(Trigger Warning: Mental illness & suicidal themes)

I had always been a bit more prone to worry than anyone else I knew. Constantly thinking about the future since I was a kid, up late at night wondering about the possibilities of every potential path. I thought nothing of that mental behavior. Middle school wasn't hard at all, but I was still shy, afraid of what people thought, embarrassed when any attention was brought upon myself. My whole family has issues with some sort of mental illness. I thought I had lucked out, that I only had minor issues with anxiety. Life was okay for middle school. I was relatively stress free and happy, my friendships stable and my grades were something I never even thought about much, because they weren't hard to keep up at all. I started to get out of bed during the weekends later and later as I grew older, which I kept at the back of my mind, I didn't think much of it as the feeling of guilt and fatigue grew with time and each day. In 8th grade, one of my closest friends moved away and they were one of the only people I could hang out with after school, so losing them was difficult for me. Thankfully, I had a group of friends at school to hang out with, but no one to hang with at the end of the day. After being a loner most of my childhood due to my shyness and introversion, I never had a big circle and I was pretty alone. As I began to break out of my shell in 8th grade, and befriending more people, I had a voice suddenly speak up from the depths of my mind:

Your friends don't like you.

You won't achieve your dreams.

Something will go wrong, soon.

That scared me. I pushed those fears to the back of my mind- I didn't want to believe those things. I didn't believe those things... did I? I spent my time in 8th grade as a character, doing what I can to be liked, the voice inside of me made me fearful of losing any friends. Whatever I could do to retain the little popularity I gained, I did. I became a class clown, hung out with people I didn't like just because my friends liked them. Said stupid things. I wanted to fit in, wanted to be normal. By this time, I knew I had anxiety, a friend I got closer to after the other moved away was the only one who knew about it besides myself. I never turned to anyone out of fear of judgement or them not wanting to be my friend because I couldn't be normal like them. It's 8th grade, we're supposed to be carefree, joyful kids, enjoying our last year before high school. I couldn't. There was always something for me to stress over. Even though I had a 4.0 that year- I was terrified of checking my grades, because when I thought of it, the voice would creep into my conscious thoughts:

You don't want to check your grades, you could be doing terrible in a class, and then you'd hate yourself.

The problem with that, is that I was doing great in my classes. I was getting consistent good grades on my papers in each of my classes. One day, I told a friend that I don't check my grades when our teacher tells us to. He asked why, and I responded that I don't want to see a potentially bad grade, and they just shrugged. A lot of my self worth is based off of my performance in school, and it tears me apart to be performing poorly, especially when all I hear in my head is:

You are a failure, a disappointment.

Your parents will tear you apart for this.

Why don't you stop trying? You'll never be as good as your friends.

Those thoughts get louder, and louder and LOUDER until it completely fills my head and kicks me to the ground as I begin to breakdown, shutting myself out from the world for the night. I'd blare music in my room to hide the sounds of me having an anxiety attack. Then, the next morning, I'd get ready and go to school as if nothing had happened, and I put on that fake happiness, so no one would suspect that inside, I am doing my best to shut out the voice that is beginning to have noticeable influences on my daily life. I was already struggling with my self image, too. I didn't like my appearance, and lived with the thought that everyone around me was judging me because I didn't look as good as everyone else. I faked confidence and got told I had a superiority complex. In reality, I lived believing that I was below everyone. I picked up anxious habits I still have yet to get rid of. Nail biting, leg shaking, teeth grinding, spending too much time in the bathroom getting rid of any acne on my face because I feared I would be judged for every little bump or blemish on my face. The voices within me began to impact my physical appearance. 8th grade ended, and it was time for summer vacation. During the summer, events led up to me a lot of self hatred and heightened anxiety. I began playing competitive games with some close friends of mine. It was going alright, but my health was declining. Drinking too much soda to stay awake and becoming shaky, taking ibuprofen nightly from the headaches caused by the stress it gave me. I had to deal with toxic teammates that my friend had for our team. I got told nearly daily that I was terrible, which didn't help the fact that I constantly blamed myself for every single loss we had.

You're a letdown to your team.

No one wants you there.

QUIT. You won't ever improve.

Eventually, something in me snapped, and I quit cold turkey. Uninstalled. Left. I didn't need the negativity when I was already dealing with so much. I spent the summer playing games alone, not doing much. I had a lot of time to get inside my mind, but thankfully, I had a lot to distract myself with. 9th grade started. We were in a new school, a completely different environment. I felt okay though, since most of the people I knew were all grouped into classes with me. But, I started to become much more skeptical of the people I would hang around. That wasn't by choice, though. I was feeling more insecure than ever, as I heard more and more:

They don't want you around.

Stop trying to be friendly, they hate you.

They're only being friendly because they don't want to be rude.

Looking back, I think I may have pushed the blame too far on the people I cut out of my life, when really, my own insecurities pushed me away from them. Their humor and way of talking to each other and me back then, is very jokingly insulting, and not meant to be taken seriously. The problem with that is that I couldn't help but take those jokes to heart, because I heard:

This is their way of being honest without hurting you.

See? They don't like that part of you. Change it.

You shouldn't like yourself.

I was very easily influenced by my friends to hang on to the remaining threads of our friendship that was stretching further every day, and getting ready to snap, along with my sanity. After so many years of being friends with the same people, I guess we were beginning to grow apart. It was a natural part of growing up, but I put all the blame on myself.

It's my fault I'm losing my friends. It's not their fault that they're treating me like dirt.

I began to become my anxiety. In my hopeless state, along with my then-partner dragging my mental state down, I believed the things my illness was telling me. During the manipulative relationship I was in, we would argue over the smallest things. Even when it wasn't my fault, I was forced to be the one to apologize.

You should feel sorry, it's all your fault.

What did you say wrong this time?

You fuck EVERYTHING UP!

I couldn't look in the mirror. I tore myself apart. I accepted the state I was in. During the 2nd semester, I was wishing for anything else besides my life. I acted like I was fine, but it was one of the lowest points I'd ever been at. Algebra was seriously stressing me out when I was near failing, my relationship was getting tougher to deal with, when I had to pick her up every time she fell, but I only felt more isolated as my mind lost it's sanity. I questioned every choice I would make. I questioned every word that came out of my mouth. One night where I finally had peace for awhile, I heard what I believed to be the fragments of myself, hidden behind all of the doubts, fears, anxieties, and hopelessness.

"Who am I? What have I become?"

I thought there was no way out. I was trapped. Trapped in my mind, my relationship, my life. Summer began. My isolation grew deeper and my jail cell moved further away from my eyes into the depths of my mind. After every argument, I was lured right back in by a false sense of sweetness and apologies when I said I can't take it. I witnessed myself trained into a state of mind where I took blame for everything, and that I was a piece of shit, and it was reasonable for everyone to dislike me. During June and July, that feeling grew worse and worse. I'd given up. I saw no way out. It wasn't until August that I got a helping hand to lift me out of the awful situation I was stuck in, and ended it in September. My friends did a wonderful job of helping me be happy. I put on a mask of being a careless happy kid just wanting to live life. We would go to football games and laugh all night, or spend a night at the rollerskating rink. I pushed every thought of doubt and fear to the back of my mind, pretending they didn't exist. I was living a lie.

2nd Semester of 10th grade arrived, and in February, my anxiety hit worse than ever before. I couldn't stay asleep, I felt more hopeless than ever, and my feelings of self blame and doubt rushed back in. I hated it, especially since I was doing better than ever with great friends, a loving girlfriend and in activities I love. I told my dad, who helped me get set up to see a psychiatrist soon after that. In March, I began to feel incredibly down and exhausted constantly. The voice developed a much darker and sinister side.

Your friends don't care. They're lying.

Your girlfriend wishes you were someone else.

You're bothersome. You are better off dead.

I was terrified. I never had thoughts like that before. It wasn't just my illness that made me think those things, but I considered it to silence the worsening thoughts that had a stranglehold on my life. One night, I had a terrible anxiety attack where I had those thoughts running through my mind and bringing me to my knees. I never had worse bags under my eyes than the day after that anxiety attack. A friend told me I looked like I wanted to die. And I did. It was so overwhelming. I had a breakdown in the middle of one of my classes a couple weeks later, and had to run to the bathroom to be alone and attempt to calm myself, but to no avail. I was only able to stop the tears. My constant exhaustion caused irritability, and I snapped at people a lot, and became very emotional. My friends were always there for me, but I convinced myself they didn't want to hear it, so I never turned to anyone when I was doing bad. Common sense and logic could no longer kill my irrational thoughts. I had become my irrational thoughts, I was not in control of my life. I had two screenings at the psychiatrist, and I ended up having both anxiety and depression. After so long, I became acclimated to my constant fatigue and depressive moods. I had more bad days than good, and it was very visible physically in both my appearance and my actions. When comments were made about the food I was eating, it was enough to make me eat less for days because it being pointed out by my family made me believe that I was gaining weight (I wasn't) and that everyone was judging me. In this state, I could no longer trust my own mind, which made doing anything terrifying to me, since I told myself I wouldn't make the right choice, and that everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

I reached out, I don't want to become another statistic. Recently, I've started taking an SSRI for both my depression and anxiety. Asking for help doesn't make you weak- it can save your life. I needed to do something to silence my demons, kill the thoughts before they kill me. I've been brought to my lowest points in my life because of my own mind, and I am forever thankful for having a way out of it.

During my life, I've learned that sadly, my own mind is my worst enemy. And, it's okay if your sanity is made artificially. You should always reach out if you're struggling, people do care, and I promise that.