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Back then


碇 シンジン

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am i here right now just because i was here back then? or would i be here regardless of that?

I just cant shake it off couple days back i went to talk to ziggy just because of that. it feels like im here now just because i was here back then. I have no value at present im just here because of who i was back then and i cant get it off of me.

I really dont want to throw it all away but is it really for the better for me to be here just for the sake of living in my memories?  am i just keeping myself here lying to myself that it is the same as it was back then when it really isnt. everything is different.

all other people have moved forward but it feels like i havent or i have but only partially. I still long for those days when i came here and everything i liked was there it was jsut beautiful. I felt the connection I felt that what i did actually resonated to something. it wasnt just empty clatter. 

the bonds that were there were holding me together. but then it was all gone just like that. i tried to keep it going but it wasnt there anymore so nothing was going on there. at that point forward i was trying to hold into something that actually even wasnt there.

I couldn't accept that it wasnt there. Something that i built myself as a part of is just gone now. 

after some time i saw what i was doing and tried to escape from it but i see now that it was too late  i had lived in the false dream of keeping  it there for too long  it wasnt something i could just discard anymore.

Perhaps it had become a part of me and who i was.perhaps there even wasnt anything in the first place and it all was in my head. maybe everything was a lie made up by myself to make me feel that there was actually something..

 

i dont really have anything here anymore but i am still here because of what happened back then it meant too much for me and it is too big part of me to just leave it and go on or atleast i think it is.

 

maube i jsut wish that one day i can relive the moments that i longed for back then but i doesnt seem like it is possible anymore. yet i dont care about that i just come here and everything i see reminds me of how it was back then and how it cant be like that for me anymore.

its like its already over for me im just on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoy. anything that i hold  always leads me back to how it was back then and how it cannot be anymore. It kinda destroys the whole purpose of me being here at all. but i still come here and  feel it.

im still here writing this even though this amounts to nothing i just dont know anything else that i can do at this point

I probably could and should start over forget all about that crap and move on. but why would i even be here if i did that. If it wasnt for what i did back then there wouldnt be anything. its why i really dont know what i should do about this place anymore

if i hadnt engulfed myself so deeply in here back then everything would be easier. 

  • Brohoof 1

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The question and answer might always be "maybe". 

 

Perhaps it is best to quit from this site. Perhaps not. 
At the present, if your motivations to come here is to hold on to the past, to past memories, I would say that this site will have lost any meaning or reason for you to be here. If there is something at present that makes you come back here, I would say that there is something you find worth in here. 

If you want to be here, I would suggest finding reasons for why you want to be here. Character talks? Talks about the show? Art? About wider issues of the world? About yourself? Just general conversations with another human being? 

 

The only fact is that we can never bring back the past into the present. Only imitate it. And even then, that in itself is not fulfilling enough, which is why we usually try to move on and discover something new. 

 

As someone from the past, but also a person at present, I wish you the best Hitomi. 

  • Brohoof 1
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On 20.5.2018 at 4:08 AM, JonasDarkmane said:

The question and answer might always be "maybe". 

 

Perhaps it is best to quit from this site. Perhaps not. 
At the present, if your motivations to come here is to hold on to the past, to past memories, I would say that this site will have lost any meaning or reason for you to be here. If there is something at present that makes you come back here, I would say that there is something you find worth in here. 

If you want to be here, I would suggest finding reasons for why you want to be here. Character talks? Talks about the show? Art? About wider issues of the world? About yourself? Just general conversations with another human being? 

 

The only fact is that we can never bring back the past into the present. Only imitate it. And even then, that in itself is not fulfilling enough, which is why we usually try to move on and discover something new. 

 

As someone from the past, but also a person at present, I wish you the best Hitomi. 

I've tried to distance myself from here sometimes but in the end something just drags me back in here. I've done lot to make it clear to myself that I am not someone from the past and this is not the same thing anymore. It's why I changed my name here and forced myself out of that identity.

It seems to have helped in some aspect but at the same time it also made the situation more difficult as it feels like I've separated myself further and something in me cannot let go of this place even though I tried to destroy that aspect of myself but it seems it just went deeper into me and I cannot really identify with that aspect more than know it just is there.

It just feels that I cannot really stop myself from coming here it maybe relates to the fact that at one point this place was basically everything I had and basically the only proof of my existence was here so maybe distancing myself from this site feels like distancing myself from myself.

I didn't really handle well the situation that led to my departure from here back then as I didn't really intend to leave in the first place  I couldn't just do it in the end I took a pause but I still visited here from time to time 

And since I pretty much discarded the old persona that used to be here I really felt like even when I was here I really even wasn't. There was nothing for me to do here anymore. Only thing that i coulfnt discard was the site itself i discarded myself that was part here but I didn't do the same to the site itself so now in me the part that I discarded holds on to the site itself that I didn't discard .

After some time I had created a new persona here already and I was in conflict because I didn't know if I really was someone else because I had already identified so strongly with the older persona. 

Every time I visited here I felt just awful it was like I couldn't accept myself as anymore as a part here since I ran away from that in the first place. I started straying more and more away from here consciously I didn't want to feel that conflict anymore.

 

But still I visited here I cannot seem to suppress myself that I discarded back then it still seems like it lives somewhere and I don't even know where it lives anymore. Or maybe I didn't even discard it maybe I just created a separate persona on top of it.

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