am i here right now just because i was here back then? or would i be here regardless of that?
I just cant shake it off couple days back i went to talk to ziggy just because of that. it feels like im here now just because i was here back then. I have no value at present im just here because of who i was back then and i cant get it off of me.
I really dont want to throw it all away but is it really for the better for me to be here just for the sake of living in my memories? am i just keeping myself here lying to myself that it is the same as it was back then when it really isnt. everything is different.
all other people have moved forward but it feels like i havent or i have but only partially. I still long for those days when i came here and everything i liked was there it was jsut beautiful. I felt the connection I felt that what i did actually resonated to something. it wasnt just empty clatter.
the bonds that were there were holding me together. but then it was all gone just like that. i tried to keep it going but it wasnt there anymore so nothing was going on there. at that point forward i was trying to hold into something that actually even wasnt there.
I couldn't accept that it wasnt there. Something that i built myself as a part of is just gone now.
after some time i saw what i was doing and tried to escape from it but i see now that it was too late i had lived in the false dream of keeping it there for too long it wasnt something i could just discard anymore.
Perhaps it had become a part of me and who i was.perhaps there even wasnt anything in the first place and it all was in my head. maybe everything was a lie made up by myself to make me feel that there was actually something..
i dont really have anything here anymore but i am still here because of what happened back then it meant too much for me and it is too big part of me to just leave it and go on or atleast i think it is.
maube i jsut wish that one day i can relive the moments that i longed for back then but i doesnt seem like it is possible anymore. yet i dont care about that i just come here and everything i see reminds me of how it was back then and how it cant be like that for me anymore.
its like its already over for me im just on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoy. anything that i hold always leads me back to how it was back then and how it cannot be anymore. It kinda destroys the whole purpose of me being here at all. but i still come here and feel it.
im still here writing this even though this amounts to nothing i just dont know anything else that i can do at this point
I probably could and should start over forget all about that crap and move on. but why would i even be here if i did that. If it wasnt for what i did back then there wouldnt be anything. its why i really dont know what i should do about this place anymore
if i hadnt engulfed myself so deeply in here back then everything would be easier.