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Here No Longer

Entry posted by Here No Longer

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I feel like I sound like a broken record complaining about how my life sucks, but here it is. It's no secret, I am miserable the way I live right now. I am miserable period. I've progressively been feeling the noose of despair tighten around my neck as I try to cut it off with the dullest razor blade imaginable (representing the little hope I have left). But I'll try to discuss more of the root of why that is (or at least the parts that involve me), hopefully in more detail than I have over and over again in thread posts. I'm really sorry if it makes me seem like I just want attention, though the truth is that I don't. I just have this constant feeling that I need to share my problems with somebody else before my deep-seeded pain takes over. Here are the major things:

 

Anxiety

Image result for anxiety attack

Honestly, Anxiety is probably the worst problem and it bleeds into every other problem I'll list here. It is never ending. My anxiety problems have been around forever. I remember having anxiety attacks as a kid almost every time the phone rang. It was debilitating then, and it still is now. I still get a slight tightening in my chest, and a loss of breath. It may sound like it's improving, but it's really been getting worse over the past couple of years. I've mentioned this before, but I have mini anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis. Over something as silly and minor as a lack of light and an open window. I know it's ridiculous, and my ex-boyfriend would tell you the same when I said it was him. Truth was, it was me. Me suddenly starting to feel irrationally insecure in a house 5 minutes from the nearest town. Me on the verge of having a heart attack over an absurdly remote possibility. As I already mentioned, I've had this problem for a long time. I can't go a week without at least one episode that fits the clinical definition of an anxiety attack... This whole thing contributes I'm really worried that one day It'll get so bad I'll shove pills down my throat because I finally gave up, completely. The voices telling me there's no reason to live anymore will beat out my concern for how everyone else will feel when they learn that I overdosed on my Dad's pain pills. 

 

Social Isolation

Image result for pearl steven universe sad

Most of the time I really like being by myself. Nobody judging me, nobody annoying me, and nobody otherwise bothering me. But here's the thing... It has gone way too far. I don't talk to people, at all. I'm the one sitting in the corner not saying a word. I know that's okay, but the truth is that it only is to an extent. When you don't say something you need to say, or more specifically you don't talk to someone in real life when you need help, that can be a problem. I've become lonely in my little bubble, and it's tearing me apart. Nobody around me seems really worth bringing in. It's not only because of that idea that keeps in my head, but it's because I'm incapable of bringing people in. It's one of the reasons I've long suspected that I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, the mildest form of Autism. I'd love it if it really were as simple as "be more social", but the truth is that it isn't. If it were, than I'd have fixed this problem already. I've tried talking to people more, but the thing is that what comes out of my mouth isn't precisely what should, and that I find anxiety rearing its ugly head and rendering me unable to speak to anyone. The loneliness is also an issue, as well. Having a boyfriend would likely help these issues, but how can I expect to have one, when I can't talk to him? I know that it was a part of the problem with my relationship with my ex, and it's an issue that cripples every relationship that I've ever had...

 

Laziness

 

Image result for meh face

 

It's true, I'm chronically lazy. I know that if I said I graduated high school with a 94.3 average it would make it sound like that isn't the case, but the only reason it wasn't at least a 96 was because I got zeroes, because I was too lazy to think to turn in my work and too lazy to properly organize my backpack. This laziness has spread into other endeavors. This is a great part of why my life's been stuck in a rut since I graduated High School in 2016. I haven't acquired a job yet, I've taken years to develop a single, flawed game that is still in fairly early development, and I've done nothing to show for myself. Every time I attempt to do something, I get burnt out and my passion for it completely goes away, leaving me a husk with no real aspiration. All I do these days any more is watch TV and create pointless Paladins tier lists that I will never post, along with the game I've been working on (for maybe an hour a day). Heck, this idea was taken from a blog post that @Woohoo made in February... 

 

Image result for luigi sad

 

The whole list of my issues is really long, and includes but is not limited to:

  • s*** memory when it comes to most things
  • emotional outbursts
  • a painfully obvious lack of self-esteem
  • a reliance on the Internet
  • zero people skills, or others really 
  • no dexterity whatsoever
  • hearing things that aren't real
  • suicidal thoughts, and occasionally actions

 

So, yeah sorry for copying somebody else's blog post topic for the second time, sorry for being overbearing, and sorry for wasting everyone else's time and effort trying to keep me afloat. I feel like I need to apologize for far more than that, and honestly I don't know what to apologize for and it makes me feel even worse about myself. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub indeed.

 

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Cash In

I can understand these feelings that you're having. I have high anxiety, have Asperger's Syndrome, lack self-esteem and am a very anti-social individual. Pretty much all of things that you've listed, have applied to me within the last seven or so years.

I can ramble on how things will get better, but the truth is, that won't always happen. However, know that you're not the only one who has felt like this, in fact I felt like garbage today as I didn't know how to talk to a person who I really liked. While I can't necessarily help, I can lend an ear if you want to release these feelings, as I've been there many times. Also, don't worry about this being similar to another person's post. Writing these things out, can be oddly therapeutic. 

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Here No Longer
On ‎9‎/‎10‎/‎2018 at 7:01 AM, Cash In said:

I can understand these feelings that you're having.

I have high anxiety, have Asperger's Syndrome, lack self-esteem and am a very anti-social individual.

Pretty much all of things that you've listed, have applied to me within the last seven or so years.

I can ramble on how things will get better, but the truth is, that won't always happen.

However, know that you're not the only one who has felt like this, in fact I felt like garbage today as I didn't know how to talk to a person who I really liked.

While I can't necessarily help, I can lend an ear if you want to release these feelings, as I've been there many times.

Also, don't worry about this being similar to another person's post. Writing these things out, can be oddly therapeutic. 

At least I'm not the only one.

As you can see, I can most certainly relate to that...

Iin my case, I'd be inclined to say it's applied to me as long as I can remember. The phone ringing thing has been around all my life as far as I can remember, and I used to be completely unable to talk on it without having an anxiety attack beforehand. Heck, I wasn't comfortable calling my own grandmother when I absolutely needed to until high school... And it caused problems, for sure. One time she almost called 911 because I didn't come home from school. Oh and when I got home at 9 in the afternoon, she had a fit, and I certainly can't blame her for that. I made her worry about where I was. If I were in that position, I'd more than likely have an attack.

At least you're not injecting me with optimistic BS. I am tired of that, people just saying "trust me it'll get better." It hasn't yet (and it's been a couple of years since I graduated), so what's supposed to make me believe that? Even then, they're usually not even specific about how they say it'll get better. 

All you can do is try and get through it, I know that from experience. I had a crush on a boy in high school and only ever said a word about it to a couple of people I really trusted with it. I never told him about it, because I couldn't. Even if I got the confidence (considering I'm a boy and he isn't gay), I would certainly go mute. After all, that's always what happens when I really need to say something. I just get so nervous I lock up. It was so bad in school I had to have my brother actually talk to people for me. I'm more than grateful he was able and willing to accommodate for his weird, somewhat edgy younger brother with social issues.

I release these feelings on here so often that I sometimes feel like I'm making somebody think I'm just saying this for attention or something (which as you seem to be able to see is far from the case), and I hopefully will be able to talk to somebody who can really do something to help me out. But I more than certainly appreciate it.

Oh it's almost identical. But I guess he's okay with it considering he read it and didn't flip out... It just feels wrong to take somebody else's blog post and make a near identical copy of it.  It's probably just me like a lot of things are. It really depresses me to talk about my life, but at the same time it also makes me feel a little bit better also.

 

 

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Cash In
21 hours ago, Dusk Noire said:

At least I'm not the only one.

As you can see, I can most certainly relate to that...

Iin my case, I'd be inclined to say it's applied to me as long as I can remember. The phone ringing thing has been around all my life as far as I can remember, and I used to be completely unable to talk on it without having an anxiety attack beforehand. Heck, I wasn't comfortable calling my own grandmother when I absolutely needed to until high school... And it caused problems, for sure. One time she almost called 911 because I didn't come home from school. Oh and when I got home at 9 in the afternoon, she had a fit, and I certainly can't blame her for that. I made her worry about where I was. If I were in that position, I'd more than likely have an attack.

At least you're not injecting me with optimistic BS. I am tired of that, people just saying "trust me it'll get better." It hasn't yet (and it's been a couple of years since I graduated), so what's supposed to make me believe that? Even then, they're usually not even specific about how they say it'll get better. 

All you can do is try and get through it, I know that from experience. I had a crush on a boy in high school and only ever said a word about it to a couple of people I really trusted with it. I never told him about it, because I couldn't. Even if I got the confidence (considering I'm a boy and he isn't gay), I would certainly go mute. After all, that's always what happens when I really need to say something. I just get so nervous I lock up. It was so bad in school I had to have my brother actually talk to people for me. I'm more than grateful he was able and willing to accommodate for his weird, somewhat edgy younger brother with social issues.

I release these feelings on here so often that I sometimes feel like I'm making somebody think I'm just saying this for attention or something (which as you seem to be able to see is far from the case), and I hopefully will be able to talk to somebody who can really do something to help me out. But I more than certainly appreciate it.

Oh it's almost identical. But I guess he's okay with it considering he read it and didn't flip out... It just feels wrong to take somebody else's blog post and make a near identical copy of it.  It's probably just me like a lot of things are. It really depresses me to talk about my life, but at the same time it also makes me feel a little bit better also.

 

 

Ah, I see. For as long as I remember, unfamiliar bathrooms have caused me to have anxiety attacks. One was so bad, it almost caused me to commit suicide, afterwards. 

Yeah, I hear it all the time. 'It'll get better soon' or 'Things will change'. I used believe it, but after hearing those words for the fiftieth time, I stopped. I mean, there's a chance that things could get better, but it may take a very long time.

I suppose that's the best I can do at this point. I can't really change how I am, so I guess I have to deal with it. I understand completely, I don't think I'd be able to tell the person whom I liked how I felt, as I'd probably just freeze up. I have trouble talking to others, so sometimes I use weird hand gestures to start a conversation ,with the price of possibly freaking that person out.

Yeah, I know that too well. I've released my problems to others in the past and they simply assumed that it was for attention. That hasn't happened here ye, luckily. It's no problem. As I said, I can relate to a lot of things that you've mentioned, so I can understand completely.

That's good. When I talk about my life it releases some stress, but it also reminds me on how shite things can be.

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Here No Longer
On ‎9‎/‎14‎/‎2018 at 7:31 PM, Cash In said:

Ah, I see. For as long as I remember, unfamiliar bathrooms have caused me to have anxiety attacks. One was so bad, it almost caused me to commit suicide, afterwards. 

Yeah, I hear it all the time. 'It'll get better soon' or 'Things will change'. I used believe it, but after hearing those words for the fiftieth time, I stopped. I mean, there's a chance that things could get better, but it may take a very long time.

I suppose that's the best I can do at this point. I can't really change how I am, so I guess I have to deal with it.

I understand completely, I don't think I'd be able to tell the person whom I liked how I felt, as I'd probably just freeze up.

I have trouble talking to others, so sometimes I use weird hand gestures to start a conversation ,with the price of possibly freaking that person out.

Yeah, I know that too well. I've released my problems to others in the past and they simply assumed that it was for attention.

That hasn't happened here yet, luckily.

It's no problem. As I said, I can relate to a lot of things that you've mentioned, so I can understand completely.

That's good. When I talk about my life it releases some stress, but it also reminds me on how shite things can be.

It never got that bad, but it caused a few accidents in elementary school. Luckily I stayed at the same school since 5th grade and I got more familiar with the bathrooms. I've begun to manage it at social events by just going in the hotel bathroom instead. I end up going a lot in a few hours, but it's better than doing the potty dance for hours at a convention.

Yeah, and it may just not even happen. In my case, over the past couple of years, things have only been getting progressively worse...

That's probably for the best anyways... I'd suppose. I never really wanted to be "normal" to start with. But, for the parts that cause real life problems, I just have to deal with it for now.

Well, I covertly flirted with him a little (mostly prodding and poking at him from across the lunch table), but it was probably just irritating him more than anything else.

Sometimes I grunt or make some other sort of weird noise to try to get somebody's attention because I can't start conversations, but it rarely works.

I released them a little to my brother and he thought I was just being overly dramatic at the time. 

I think that may be in part because there are plenty of Aspies on the forum just like we are. 

:) 

Exactly. 

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Woohoo
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Heck, this idea was taken from a blog post that @Woohoo made in February... 

How dare you copy my blog! :glimmer:

I'm kidding, though. I do relate to most of this blog. :mlp_please:

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Here No Longer
On ‎9‎/‎24‎/‎2018 at 10:08 AM, Woohoo said:

 I do relate to most of this blog. :mlp_please:

I figured as much, since it's about pretty much the same things you posted in the blog post that I was referring to... But hey, it's always nice to know that there are others.

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