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Nothing of nothing

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碇 シンジン

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Sometimes it feels like that I am losing control of my own foundation that i've laid out for myself in these past years.Someone creeps up from out of nowhere and suddenly its like i am nowhere to be found. Nothing just nothing. Nothing is everything that i am able to to get out of myself those times. Its like a complete standstill like multiple entities are in there but when i check it out its really isnt anything. 

Last time i was standing in that situation i was able to do things like normal but i couldnt really do things in the end after all even when i did. Partly it feels like my sense of self is disappearing from my grasp. Everything just clicks in place at that moment rendering my sense of individuality into nothingness. I become just like an another cog in the machine...

i can trace back the causes of this occurence when i look at the methods that i've adapted into myself during the last 2 years, some of them play quite essential role in this matter, but i am unable to figure out if it is a good thing or a bad thing. 

is Nothing just as good as everything? something that i've been trying to figure out for a while. If i can control myself in a manner that allows me to manipulate my own feelings and decisions that rise from those feelings. Is it better to manipulate them or just do nothing?

This whole fiasco feels like i've stuck myself into manual breathing for the rest of my life. But is that good or bad thing? Should i be able to decide what is good and what is bad? who gets to decide that? Why i dont feel like i have any foundation on those things anymore?

Things around me feel even more abstract these days that they felt like couple years back. 

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