The two sides of a medal

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After five days of being sober I saw today as a good ...... chance of drinking again.In the last days many things happened. I saw myself on a crossroad. To my left the path I always went. Having people around me. Having a community I play with, which more or less endures me. Few liked. Many hated. On the right the way of going alone. Letting all these social contacts down. falling down again into this deep hole of misery. Going the path alone without someone to talk to. Without having someone who supports you. Well I went the path I have chosen to many times in the past.   I went and threw everything I had into the mud. Now I´m alone. Feeling nothing. Laying in bed all day. Doing nothing. I can´t sleep at night. i cant get up in the morning. Sleeping until noon. Not having the power to do anything. Everyone is panicking about Corona. I am just sitting there doing nothing. Feeling nothing at all. When I try to sleep I just lay there. Staring at my wall. But it´s all black. Nothing to see there. Nothing to feel there except hatred. hatred towards myself. I want this all to end. This feeling. The constant looking at the phone only to realize that no one will text you. Looking at old chats only to see how hard I fucked it all up. Not wanting to talk with my family. No longer enjoying playing video games. 

I want all of this to end. All this suffering. I know that suicide wont be my solution. I learned that a couple of years ago. Te last time I was that deep inside my mind. The last time I broke down. I no longer know what the way is. Maybe it all will change in August when I start my apprenticeship as a maschinist. I will have a reason to wake up in the morning. I will work and get tired so I will sleep at night. I will have a reason to carry on and show my best but maybe nothing will change. I want it all to change. I want to carry on but I feel like my mind doesn´t let me. It all is the same. The same fast food every day. The same shows every day. The same shit. I´m tired of this all. I just want it to end. 

Does a tree make a sound if it falls down, when no one is listening? Does a life matter when no one ever noticed this person? Can´t everyone relate to some part more or less to this? Isn´t everyone someday at this point in life? Aren´t we all just one step away from feeling like this?

 Do I matter? Or do you? 

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