Months have passed by. Many things changed. Corona fucked up a lot in this crazy world. I just wanted to be more active here. After some days it faded out of my mind. And now here we are. 3 Months later. Many crazy shit happened. From being told that you are liked and appreciated to being hated by the same people in less than 5 Minutes. From building great and achieving personal goals to fucking everything over and destroying everything. From making new friends to walking away from them. From quitting addictions to destroying your whole body and soul with booze and cigs. From waking up early to sleeping 15 hours a day. 

So what's going on in my mind right now? One thing that happened 4 days ago. It kind of crushed my soul. From being told how appreciated you are. Not only as a member of a community but also as a friend. Laughing with some people and then being told that you are not welcome. Even that this isn't just at that moment the case but often. From bringing a laugh to people to the villain in 10 seconds flat. Realizing that you just spend 8 hours every day with these people without them having the courage when they don't want you to be around them but instead coming to you even.

Realizing how alone you can get from one second to another. And realizing that the hard consequence of leaving them is even more loneliness. And with this loneliness comes boredom. Not knowing what to do with this free time. From repairing your bike after completely destroying the transmission over watching horror movies to dancing to music and working out. It brings so many new things into your mind. It opens your perspective but at the same it breaks down pretty easy. A wrong word here. A mistake there and this loneliness evolves to self-doubt and self-hate. You simply have no one to talk to what bad happened to you. Everything is about the things happening to you. Ether bad or good. There is noting else to focus on except personal feeling. 

Sure it brings many advantages. You can focus on your own well-being and your health. Both mental and physical. You can evolve skills you would be too distracted to even notice like fixing the transmission of your bike. There are many things to learn while being alone. So many things you don't even notice to exist because you are to busy interacting with people. 

So where is all that going from here? It will be a lonely road for some more time. 01.08 I start working my first real job. I will go to school again. And most importantly I will be around people all day long. So how will it be to learn to be a machinist? Will I regret my decision not to be an engineer? Probably yes because I can never say:"Trust me I'm an engineer."  

Will it in a couple of weeks or even months still feel like an emotional roller coaster? Like a constant up and down? Or will it all settle down a bit and get more quiet? 

Today's block entry won't have a picture. The place where a picture should be is just as empty as I feel right now. 22:43. Close to midnight and only the light of a candle brightens my world.