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Reflections on my sadness...


Ice Princess Silky

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Just a little bit of a Content Warning to those of you who are more used to the fluffier topics, this one's a little bit more low-tone. So skip if you're in a sad place or wish for something a little more upbeat <3 It's just one of those moods. 

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Last night and earlier today, many of you were concerned by my change of mood. I apologize for this… I did express a bit of sadness and vaguely explained. But I just want you to know that I am okay since sincere concern is being expressed. This is mainly just an internal thing… nothing to be too concerned about…

I did explain that I was disappointed in myself and certain behaviors that I had done. I accidentally hurt a friend without meaning to... 

I’ve been trying to understand it and mostly what I’ve been coming up with are just interesting patterns throughout my life.

I think this … peculiar reaction may have come from my having to pent up a lot of emotions that I was not allowed to express because “everyone else has feelings and they’re more important and stronger than you — even if they’re baseless and, quite literally, destructive to the people around them. Swallow your own feelings down and do nothing — or you might make things worse and it'll be all your fault!”

This has probably given me a bit of a harsh, internal streak that I’ve been expressing as of late towards those of a perceived notion similar to the sentiment. It is always a reaction and not an active force trying to “take something down.”

It happened even socially when I was with a group and everyone was having a lovely time and getting along and someone decided to make a drama due to them struggling with seeing all of the fun… (some people just really don’t like that, at all) so, instead of showing them compassion or enabling this rude behavior, I simply protected the people who were having a good time and asked the person wanting to disrupt it to please take some time to themselves until they can find proper help and sort out whatever was causing this desire to make others feel bad.

Interestingly enough, I was right. They were perfectly okay after the private talk and realized that disrupting everyone’s lives just to make a scene and make things about themselves - was not okay. I was fearful that my coddling them would only further enable the behavior — unless of course there was a proper base for such a reaction, I simply won’t do it. They probably thought that was a “sudden change” in my nature, but no. I’m quite consistent with my sentiments and my intent. This was a separate situation altogether, however...

I think this has been such a recurring theme in my life that I’ve developed a bit of a reflex. When I see a group being invalidated or dismissed or told they don’t matter because “x group has an opinion or feelings that x group thinks are better.” I become aggressively defensive and protective of that group…

It may just be a side effect of some recent events with a group who, quite literally, thought themselves and their feelings vastly superior to others despite the damaging effects they’ve had — they were just too full of themselves and each other to care…

*le sigh*

It has slaughtered a lot of my enthusiasm and happiness for trusting people again since I was so sincere and open. But you know what? This is something that I’ve got to wrestle and take down. I can’t allow it to consume me and develop into a possible “siege mentality.” This is not who I am… I need to claim who I truly am and be faithful to that. Should anyone have any malice or ill intent, they can just slide off of my silk and fall into their own kind <3

I take pride in my ability to rationalize and remain calm. When I know something is the right thing to do, I can be so hardy and focused that people who mistake me for a “fluffy air head” are surprised and even feel betrayed… as if I’m “dubious” or “have another side to me” instead of just accepting that I’m a living being with feelings and multiple dimensions. These feelings can be seen and even calculated to sum up to a very consistent thing. I also try my best to match my sentiments with my words, so I’m very communicative.

If I see there is an issue and people ignore that I’m expressing that issue… why do they feel so betrayed when I’m trying to solve the issue? Cause they thought they were gods who can dismiss it and suddenly I have to, as well? Absolutely not. This has been a problem that's probably contributed to my reaction.

When I know the right thing needs to be done or said, I will have it done or said. Simple as that. Regardless of favoritism or biases.

But in this case… “being right” didn’t matter. I hurt someone that means a lot to me and this person isn’t even a hostile individual. They’re kind. Gentle. Secretly very warm even if they come off as cold and distant at times. And they've been so helpful to me...

It’s so odd to know that the idea that I may have caused them even the slightest form of distress or discomfort has disrupted even my sleep last night… I woke up feeling like there was a heavy weight over me… They’re probably just fine and over it and here I am.. completely crushed…

Perhaps this is also a sign that I’m developing… healthy feelings, again. I don’t care about being right or winning… I had to care about that before when I was dealing with individuals trying to use their feelings to manipulate my own as well as dismiss real situations… but now… I can be sincerely open again… this is why I’m making this blog. I’m hoping I can try to find my way back….

I care about my friends. I care about who they are… I wish to honor each and every one of them, because, they’re my friends. And even if I don’t fully agree or prefer that particular mindset… I’ve always prided myself in my ability to honor who people are.

This is why Pinkie Pie was always a fascination to me. Almost an idol in how she reacts to her friends. Even if something like a freakin ROCK is their interest… she’ll find a way to honor that rock the way her friends wish to honor it… and learn more about them!

Even using this analogy seems like an offense because “rock” tends to have such an insignificant definition to it. When Pinkie understands the depths, connections and hidden meanings within them.

As we speak, I am thinking of a geod I was gifted. I was so confused when I received this gift… it was just… a rock. With a rubber band wrapped around it. When I opened it… there were beautiful glistening crystals within…

I mention this to explain that even when I say that Pinkie will honor a mere rock so long as that’s what her friends like — I do not mean it dismissively or in a form as if to belittle — I mean it exactly in the sense that… if you love your friends — truly care for them — you’ll understand their interests hold some form of hidden meaning or treasure that you cannot see. And it doesn’t matter who is “right." This was literally my original resentment towards a section of the site that was moved… the focus becomes so much on debates that we forget who our friends are. And this is so ironic that I’ve slipped on exactly that same banana peel <3

Anyway, at the risk of this blog post digressing any further due to the scrambled state of my mind, I shall end it here. Hopefully I can learn to sort out my thoughts AND my emotions without having the struggles I’ve had to deal with before. Sorry that this is all over the place. 

 

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As I read through this, I wanted to give you a hug. I shedded tears when reading through this. I may not know exactly what had happened, but I want you to know that I'm here for you and I'll always be here for you, Starry, no matter what. When I read the part where it said,

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I’m hoping I can try to find my way back….

I wanted to say that I know you'll be able to find your way back. You are truly an amazing person and a true, true friend. Meeting you so long ago and to now? I'm grateful and thankful to have gotten to know you and to have you in my life. You're one of my best friends, you're my bestie and you're like a sister to me. I'll always have your back and I love you, no matter what, Silky. *hugs tight*

352570378_10219680124948647_666412723696

Edited by Dynamo Pad
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3 minutes ago, Dynamo Pad said:

As I read through this, I wanted to give you a hug. I shedded tears when reading through this. I may not know exactly what had happened, but I want you to know that I'm here for you and I'll always be here for you, Starry, no matter what. When I read the part where it said,

I wanted to say that I know you'll be able to find your ay back. You are truly an amazing person and a true, true friend. Meeting you so long ago and to now? I'm grateful and thankful to have gotten to know you and to have you in my life. You're one of my best friends, you're my bestie and you're like a sister to me. I'll always have your back and I love you, no matter what, Silky. *hugs tight*

352570378_10219680124948647_666412723696

Thank you so much, Dyny. I know it was a bit of a long read, but I'm trying to sort my own thoughts out. Thank you for being so patient and reading through. You've always been such a good friend...:rarity:

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5 minutes ago, Princess Silky said:

Thank you so much, Dyny. I know it was a bit of a long read, but I'm trying to sort my own thoughts out. Thank you for being so patient and reading through. You've always been such a good friend...:rarity:

You're welcome so much, Silky. I completely understand and I hope that everything will be okay. Also, you're welcome and thank you so much. You've always been such a good friend, as well and I know you'll always be an amazing friend. If you ever need a friend to listen and/or chat, then I'm here for you. :fluttershy:

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You have always been good to me and I wish nothing but happiness and success for you in dealing with your emotions. 

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Moments ago, Aurora876 said:

Seconding literally everything @Dynamo Pad said above.

*More hugs* 

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Awww thank you so much, lovely. This means so much to me and I appreciate the check up <3 

43 minutes ago, Props Valroa said:

You have always been good to me and I wish nothing but happiness and success for you in dealing with your emotions. 

You’re always so kind to me, as well, and I wish you the exact same thing :rarity:

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3 minutes ago, Princess Silky said:

Awww thank you so much, lovely. This means so much to me and I appreciate the check up <3 

Of course.

Remember, I've got your back. Anything you could ever possibly need me to do for you, you can immediately consider it done. We're here for you Silky. :twi:

Edited by Aurora876
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If it weren't for your kindness and patience, I may never have come back to this place, and most certainly would never have met the people I now consider friends.    Thank you.  You probably don't hear that often enough as an admin, bit I sincerely mean it.  And always remember, I'm always available if you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to bend for a while.

You got this.

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52 minutes ago, Longhaul said:

You got this.

Oh no you DI-INT! :sunbutt:

 

I must now post this out of obligation. Seems to fit well anyways, so why not.

 

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8 minutes ago, FlutteringGuardian said:

you are amazing and ik you will get through all of this we always have your back Silky you mean a lot to me you have brought a lot of positive changes to my life and it saddened me to see you like this i hope you will get proper rest tonight :hug_day:

Oh gosh, that means a lot to me, thank you, Guardian ;~; 
I will do my best <3 

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I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through a rollercoaster of emotions that you weren't even in line for!

I second-third-fourth-fifth-sixth-othernumbers everyone else and hop on that hug train as well :hug_day: I, like many others even if they didn't express it here, wish you all the best for coming to terms with everything that's been going on for you!

I think what you did here was not only courageous (because you've said you've basically been actively encouraged to not express your POV your entire life, so going against that is HUGE), but also (and more importantly now that I realize it) I think it's actually allowed you to better process your feelings and emotions about your recent struggles. Y'know, letting off some steam somewhere and stuffs. I know journaling is a good way to give yourself time to log what's going on (or just finished happening) while processing how those events made you feel and then reflecting on it, public or private. And, also from what I'm aware of, other stuff like sitting outside, hiking, meditation, anything that allows you to be a little more relaxed and connected to the thoughts in your mind also gives that effect to. Perhaps that's what is meant by (paraphrasing) "Give yourself some alone time to think".

I also want to send hugs to the other person as well, even if they will never see this! I don't think their experience in what happened between you two should be ignored here as they seem like a good friend that you do care for, but unfortunately an in-the-moment action made things go sour. Though I'm sure there's so much more to this, going off of what's given here nobody's to blame. (And, if they really do not care at all as you have speculated, then.... cough cough)

 

Truthfully, I wanted to comment much sooner but I needed to re-read this a few times. To refine my observations as a bystander here and connect it to my own personal experiences that are similar, and relating it to your situation and feelings as you've shown here to understand where you're coming from as much as I can. Or, at least that was the goal :kindness:

I do that because me walnut brain!!!!!!

But more actually, I said "Hey I've been through something like that! I know exactly how that feels!" the whole way through. It's tough being the "go-to nice person" everyone feels they need a definitive siding from even when they're BOTH right/wrong!! They just want to be more right than the other, and that can get tiring very quickly. And someone will always feel hurt and betrayed. I wish everyone can get into an agreement with minimal issue, if none at all.

And, absolutely on the whole thing with caring for (and respecting) friends and their thoughts, opinions, whatever else. Everyone has a reason for what they believe in (some more deeper and personal than other reasons) and they just want their point to be heard and understood without it sparking any unnecessary drama or debates. Again, tough time explaining what I mean. Me no goody at this but I get 100% what you mean! ...you get what I mean? :coco:

 

Also, don't forget that Rarity also found the hidden beauty inside "boring rocks" too :proud: although she whined about it and then KABOOM (splitting rock noises) and then she saw it, silly rarity

I was eating ice cream one-handed while typing this out so it took a little longer to get this down than I originally wanted. well actually now i've been re-re-re-re-writing this for like a few hours now and cut some stuff out because i couldn't get it across the way i wanted it to, whoooooops :blush:

 

 

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It's very easy to be critical of ourselves. Self-reflection is good, because things do happen and reflecting on that is how we learn and better ourselves as individuals. However, reflection can lead to analysing ourselves under a very critical lens and from there, we sometimes end up being too hard on ourselves. I know you feel how you feel, but just remember that you are a human and there's no shame in making mistakes. I'm sure your friend understands that too. :rarity:

Don't forget that you have a lot of support on here. All these comments, plus more, are a testament to that.  :hug_day:

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@Princess Silky

First of all understanding your emotions and why you experience them is very important. One cannot ignore those for too long. As humans we also have good and bad times. I think people will understand especially since you are normally such an uplifting, lovely person who has already given so much to so many people. 

You cannot completely avoid days which are not so good and it is completely okay to have such days. Important is you work to understand things and get yourself better. It's also not easy to completely hold all negative emotion in yourself. 

Please make sure you get enough rest, relaxation and find the solution for your life. We can be there to help you, as you have helped so many other people before.

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9 hours ago, Astral Soul said:

@Princess Silky

First of all understanding your emotions and why you experience them is very important. One cannot ignore those for too long. As humans we also have good and bad times. I think people will understand especially since you are normally such an uplifting, lovely person who has already given so much to so many people. 

You cannot completely avoid days which are not so good and it is completely okay to have such days. Important is you work to understand things and get yourself better. It's also not easy to completely hold all negative emotion in yourself. 

Please make sure you get enough rest, relaxation and find the solution for your life. We can be there to help you, as you have helped so many other people before.

Or do what i do.... Completely kill it off and become a heartless numb person, who simply selfishly take what he wants and ignore what he does not want.....its also important to know yourself and control it too...

Or you could release the stress once in a while and not bottle it up and explode.... My lid is completely open. 

Me:

No work... Damn... Oh well...

No money... Damn... Oh well....

Country is a corrupt greedy bastards? .... Oh well...

Feeling empt inside?....................... Crap....

Something eating me inside?..... Well at least tell me if i taste good ...

Crippling depression?... How the hell did you get in here!?

Crippling depression: your lid is wide open....

Me : DAUWWW!

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@Princess Silky Am very sorry to hear that, If there is anything I can do to cheer you up, am in, Thanks to you I learned valuable lessons, I had to learn to behave with people, even if is the hard way, they say the truth that will make you free is the truth you dont want to hear. You helped me to become a better person and learn things that otherwise in my isolation would never understand, I've know you since 10 years and I know how difficult was to you to be on the top and still overcome these types of challenges. I just hope you are okay my dear friend

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As this sad weekend draws to a close, we gotta hold our heads high and take on :darling:challenges of the work week:awwthanks:  

A football player, when training, must tackle the cushion dummy that's in front of him:secret:  

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I'm so very sorry Silky, you are an amazing person, and I hope it gets better, as I say sometimes "c'set la vie", or "that's life"... It should never have to happen, but it does :hug_day:

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