Reflections on my sadness...
Entry posted by Ice Princess Silky in friendship
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Just a little bit of a Content Warning to those of you who are more used to the fluffier topics, this one's a little bit more low-tone. So skip if you're in a sad place or wish for something a little more upbeat <3 It's just one of those moods.
Last night and earlier today, many of you were concerned by my change of mood. I apologize for this… I did express a bit of sadness and vaguely explained. But I just want you to know that I am okay since sincere concern is being expressed. This is mainly just an internal thing… nothing to be too concerned about…
I did explain that I was disappointed in myself and certain behaviors that I had done. I accidentally hurt a friend without meaning to...
I’ve been trying to understand it and mostly what I’ve been coming up with are just interesting patterns throughout my life.
I think this … peculiar reaction may have come from my having to pent up a lot of emotions that I was not allowed to express because “everyone else has feelings and they’re more important and stronger than you — even if they’re baseless and, quite literally, destructive to the people around them. Swallow your own feelings down and do nothing — or you might make things worse and it'll be all your fault!”
This has probably given me a bit of a harsh, internal streak that I’ve been expressing as of late towards those of a perceived notion similar to the sentiment. It is always a reaction and not an active force trying to “take something down.”
It happened even socially when I was with a group and everyone was having a lovely time and getting along and someone decided to make a drama due to them struggling with seeing all of the fun… (some people just really don’t like that, at all) so, instead of showing them compassion or enabling this rude behavior, I simply protected the people who were having a good time and asked the person wanting to disrupt it to please take some time to themselves until they can find proper help and sort out whatever was causing this desire to make others feel bad.
Interestingly enough, I was right. They were perfectly okay after the private talk and realized that disrupting everyone’s lives just to make a scene and make things about themselves - was not okay. I was fearful that my coddling them would only further enable the behavior — unless of course there was a proper base for such a reaction, I simply won’t do it. They probably thought that was a “sudden change” in my nature, but no. I’m quite consistent with my sentiments and my intent. This was a separate situation altogether, however...
I think this has been such a recurring theme in my life that I’ve developed a bit of a reflex. When I see a group being invalidated or dismissed or told they don’t matter because “x group has an opinion or feelings that x group thinks are better.” I become aggressively defensive and protective of that group…
It may just be a side effect of some recent events with a group who, quite literally, thought themselves and their feelings vastly superior to others despite the damaging effects they’ve had — they were just too full of themselves and each other to care…
*le sigh*
It has slaughtered a lot of my enthusiasm and happiness for trusting people again since I was so sincere and open. But you know what? This is something that I’ve got to wrestle and take down. I can’t allow it to consume me and develop into a possible “siege mentality.” This is not who I am… I need to claim who I truly am and be faithful to that. Should anyone have any malice or ill intent, they can just slide off of my silk and fall into their own kind <3
I take pride in my ability to rationalize and remain calm. When I know something is the right thing to do, I can be so hardy and focused that people who mistake me for a “fluffy air head” are surprised and even feel betrayed… as if I’m “dubious” or “have another side to me” instead of just accepting that I’m a living being with feelings and multiple dimensions. These feelings can be seen and even calculated to sum up to a very consistent thing. I also try my best to match my sentiments with my words, so I’m very communicative.
If I see there is an issue and people ignore that I’m expressing that issue… why do they feel so betrayed when I’m trying to solve the issue? Cause they thought they were gods who can dismiss it and suddenly I have to, as well? Absolutely not. This has been a problem that's probably contributed to my reaction.
When I know the right thing needs to be done or said, I will have it done or said. Simple as that. Regardless of favoritism or biases.
But in this case… “being right” didn’t matter. I hurt someone that means a lot to me and this person isn’t even a hostile individual. They’re kind. Gentle. Secretly very warm even if they come off as cold and distant at times. And they've been so helpful to me...
It’s so odd to know that the idea that I may have caused them even the slightest form of distress or discomfort has disrupted even my sleep last night… I woke up feeling like there was a heavy weight over me… They’re probably just fine and over it and here I am.. completely crushed…
Perhaps this is also a sign that I’m developing… healthy feelings, again. I don’t care about being right or winning… I had to care about that before when I was dealing with individuals trying to use their feelings to manipulate my own as well as dismiss real situations… but now… I can be sincerely open again… this is why I’m making this blog. I’m hoping I can try to find my way back….
I care about my friends. I care about who they are… I wish to honor each and every one of them, because, they’re my friends. And even if I don’t fully agree or prefer that particular mindset… I’ve always prided myself in my ability to honor who people are.
This is why Pinkie Pie was always a fascination to me. Almost an idol in how she reacts to her friends. Even if something like a freakin ROCK is their interest… she’ll find a way to honor that rock the way her friends wish to honor it… and learn more about them!
Even using this analogy seems like an offense because “rock” tends to have such an insignificant definition to it. When Pinkie understands the depths, connections and hidden meanings within them.
As we speak, I am thinking of a geod I was gifted. I was so confused when I received this gift… it was just… a rock. With a rubber band wrapped around it. When I opened it… there were beautiful glistening crystals within…
I mention this to explain that even when I say that Pinkie will honor a mere rock so long as that’s what her friends like — I do not mean it dismissively or in a form as if to belittle — I mean it exactly in the sense that… if you love your friends — truly care for them — you’ll understand their interests hold some form of hidden meaning or treasure that you cannot see. And it doesn’t matter who is “right." This was literally my original resentment towards a section of the site that was moved… the focus becomes so much on debates that we forget who our friends are. And this is so ironic that I’ve slipped on exactly that same banana peel <3
Anyway, at the risk of this blog post digressing any further due to the scrambled state of my mind, I shall end it here. Hopefully I can learn to sort out my thoughts AND my emotions without having the struggles I’ve had to deal with before. Sorry that this is all over the place.
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