Hey.  Y'know what really grinds my gears?  Bad dreams.  Well, er, um, it's not exactly any one specific experience of having a bad dream that annoys me.  Well... heh...  I might be kinda weird, but as an adult, I actually find the experience of an occasional nightmare to be kinda fun!    I mean, when it's something wacky and crazy like some sci-fi horror.

Lemmie start again.  Y'know what really grinds my gears?  Always having dreams about bad stuff and never good stuff.  I only dream about bad stuff--the stuff that stresses me out irl.  I basically only dream about two things.  So, see, the thing is, I'm pretty much a germaphobe, and I'm scared of the rona (covid).  I've never had it (a fact I'm quite proud of, btw ) and I'm f*cking terrified of long covid with brain fog.  I know I probably shouldn't be, but I am.  So, naturally I constantly have dreams of being surrounded and trapped by a mob of infected people coughing on me.  Sometimes the dream escalates to a much worse pandemic, like small pox, or something totally new and much worse, like a proper apocalyptic death plague with a 99% kill rate or something.

So, there's that, and then my other frequent dream is so lame, stupid, and cliché that I'm embarrassed to admit it.  So, I was a Twilight Sparkle in school, in terms of grades and organization, and thus being tardy or not getting my homework done was my worst nightmare.  So, I'll have this recurring dream where I'm awakened by my mom knocking on my door and telling me I'm late for school.  I'm always the age I am now (nearly 40), but I'm still in high school.  I will then proceed to rampage around the house in sheer terror and panic trying to find all my school sh*t, but can't.  Then I realize that I haven't done my math homework in months.  Sometimes the dream ends there, and sometimes I make it to school but realize that I've forgotten where all my classes are and can't find my schedule.  I mean, how f*cking pathetic is that?!  Why do I still have these idiotic dreams at 40?!!

And that's it.  I pretty much alternate between those two dreams.  Why can't I ever dream about anything pleasant??  Hear me out here--I'm lonely and miserable irl.  I've never been on a date or had a relationship in my life.  Fated to die a virgin.  Dreams are the one and only place where my brain has complete and utter autonomy, control, and power to deliver unto me absolutely any experience.  If it wanted to, my brain could make every sleep a blissful escape into a perfect paradise.  So why the f*ck doesn't it?!  Where's the downside here??!!  Why doesn't my brain just give me dreams of finding my true love and having fairy tale romances with her?  How 'bout a sex dream, huh??  Tha'd be nice.  Never had one.  I have to be a virgin in my dreams, too.  If I asked out a gorgeous woman, she'd probably say, "In your dreams, pal," to which I'd have to laugh and say, "NOPE, NOT THERE, EITHER!!"  I'm basically miserable all the time, so why can't my brain throw me a frickin' bone in the one place where I could be a little bit happy??

I realize that fears and dreams and closely connected, and dreams are often the brain's attempt to deal with or work out real life fears or anxieties, but FOR F*CK'S SAKE!!    I mean, come on.  Why can't I ever dream about pleasant things?  Why does my brain hate me so much?  Why does my brain laugh at me and take pleasure in my suffering?  Why?  Why?  WHYYYY????!!!

I even tried to learn how to induce lucid dreams for awhile, but it was kind of a dead end. 

Why do brains have to be so annoying and stupid?  Doesn't my brain know that I'd be happier and healthier if it just fed me pleasant dreams?  Stupid brain.  Stupid, dumb, stupid, stupid, F*CKING brain.