So, today is a major turning point in my life. And well, well...let me just explain it as it comes.

I've decided to no longer pursue my dream of being a pilot.

Yes, as many of you know, I am currently in school for flight training, and it has long been my singular dream to live my life as an airline pilot and an aerobatic pilot. It had been my dream since before I was in high school, but unfortunately, something else has been a part of me for nearly just as long, something not so nice...

...depression...

...and it's only gotten worse with time, and today I had another breakdown. If you look at some of my posts on the forum (especially Life Advice) lately, you can tell I haven't been in the best place mentally lately. I do nothing but beat myself up, put myself down, and sabotage myself at every turn.

Something had to give. And after these last few days of my flying future already being in jeopardy due to money issues, I've decided to pull the plug anyway, even if I found a way to afford it?

Why? It's not worth it. Life has become too painful. The world feels so cold. I feel so lonely. Everything feels so pointless. I can't connect to people emotionally. I fear social interaction. My self confidence couldn't be lower. I feel like the lowest piece of shit in the world. I simply can't take this depression anymore. My wheels are spinning. I need help, I need medication, and unfortunately I can't really make a career out of flying with this level of depression, even with medication. The amount of red tape (including an expensive psychological examination, as well as 12 months of grounding) needed to keep flying on antidepressants is a hurdle I can't handle, and coupled with the fact that I still have no money (and what I have...a good chunk will probably go to depression therapy)...I just can't do both at once anymore.

If this is the life I have to live if it means flying, it's not worth it. I'd rather give up flight training to get my emotion, my spirit, MYSELF back, then...well, thats the choice I had to make.

It still hurts...a lot. I cried...A LOT...today.

Plan B: Majoring in Aerospace engineering. Minoring in graphic design.