Yet again, this time comes. Yet again, I am faced with struggling through this month. The last time I saw my wife alive was seven years ago today. December fourteenth. Ten days before we were going to get married. This day, this day seven years ago changed me forever. Losing my soulmate, who I built my life around destroyed me. Having no one to comfort me. Everyone abandoned me, her parents blamed me. I blamed myself.

Weeks and weeks of crying. Then hate. Intense hate. I hated myself, I hated everything. I hurt myself, I hurt others. I cut myself, I hit myself, I just broke things. I never felt good. I wanted to die. I tried killing myself, but dying was too easy. I stopped myself. I deserved a life of pain for fucking up. I fucked up, and she died. I should have been home that night, but I was idiot. I should have sensed something. I should have felt something.

Then, I did bad things. I joined a bad group, I did bad things which will never leave me. It will haunt me forever. I did horrid things. Nightmares everynight. Crying waking up. Never feeling comfortable with myself. Depression, guilt, regret, self-loathing. Then I left the bad behind me, and taught for less than a year. Then I moved to America to help my brother.

The depression never stopped though. It never ceased. I brought it with me. Tried killing myself again, but it just did not work. Miracle? Coincidence? Was she watching over me? I not know....I hope so. Then, realizations. After years I began to think and think. She would not want this from me. She would not want me to live this life, and hate myself forever. I had to move on, never forget, but stop the blame and immense depression.

I changed. I still struggle, but I changed. Friends helped me. Good friends. My brother helped me. My partner. Friends on here. Some gone, some still here. Some lost, some sticking around. I love you all, and I thank those who have helped me. I thank those who are still helping me. I love you all. I love you guys very much, and I am being incredibly sincere. You know who you are.

I love you too Aleksandra. I miss you honey.