This is what I read to my daddy tonight. I am going to try and post again later tonight to say something else but I just don't know if I can.

***So it is later. I am fine. I was really ok. I think I am going to be ok. I feel at peace. I got through the night with surprising grace. Below is the letter I read to my dad at the family viewing. I read it alone in private. This is something I wanted to do since I posted "My piggy" on a different blog. I couldn't think of a better time than tonight.

Dear Daddy,

I wrote this thinking of you a little while ago. I wanted so badly to share this with you but I never got the chance too. I am sorry.

Ok, I will start with a bit about me, I am stubborn and a little childish (like you), I like cheese. Cheese is so good! My favorite way to eat cheese is fried in a fry pan.... gooey on the inside crispy on the outside. It's so good. I remember when we went through an entire BIG block of cheese just frying it and eating... you couldn't keep up no matter how hard you tried, and I am sure we could have easily done another block.

What else is on my mind today? Racism in chocolate bars! (gosh dad you hear this? best influence you were) I am unsure if this is unintentional or not but I can't go around calling people dark if they are black they get offended. So why do we call it dark chocolate? Also has anyone else noticed that white chocolate is always before the dark and milk.... just puttin it out there. People get angry over such dumb political correctness I bet one could actually create a chocolate up roar and have the name change to sound 'right'. NOT trying to be racist or anything I was just thinking of how people are offended by the Red Skins team name, it got me thinking that people take things way too far. I will get those names changed to be politically correct! For you and down syndrome brawlers!!

I would like pudding right meow. What kind of desserts do my readers like? My daddy brought me over a care pack and I made so much chocolate pudding! You knew it was my favorite easy desert. I always appreciated the care packs... even the darn beans. They made my day, my week even.

You would go out of your way for anybody, and you always were there for me. You took care of me everyday even if you were not able to be with me. Just like my piggy daddy you were my best friend. I didn't value you as much as I should have. I wanted to give back to you so badly. I wanted to be able to take care of you.

Dad I wrote this next bit specifically for you. I often wrote about my love for you in my blogs. You were my biggest support.

I miss my piggy he was the ugliest, most cutest piggy I ever did see. My daddy gave him to me when I was born, ever since then my piggy was always there for me. I remember if I had a bad day at school, if my friends were picking on me, whatever happened good or bad piggy was there lookin at me cheering me on from the confined space of my bedroom. In my mid teen years I forgot how important he was to me and I stopped telling him what was going on ( I know this sounds weird but I had no one and I have had no one for as long as I can remember.) I know you know this feeling dad, you so often felt it too. I should have realized it more and been there to hug you. I am so sorry. please forgive me.

Little by little I neglected my piggy. Then something tragic happened, I lost my home and for a long while I lost my family. Its a long story that ended in flames. My house burnt and I moved away to finish school even more alone than I ever realized possible. I worked full time and finished high school, I didn't graduate at the top of my class but I exceeded my expectations, and as much as I would like to say I was completely alone, I wasn't my piggy was there through it all just like you were daddy. You were always there to make me laugh when no one else was.

Through all the crazy moves, the guns that were pointed, the frantic struggles, my piggy was there through it all. The worst incident was the first house I lived in, I was threatened by my land lord with a gun and ended up leaving with the police I had 20 min, to get everything and leave he was there. He was there when the next house I could find was a crazy ass nun who went through my personal stuff and destroyed my ability to go to church. He was even with me at the next house I could afford... my roomate was a coke head!

It pains me greatly to write this next bit, the tears won't stop. The last move, the place I am at now 2 years since my life went to absolute shit my piggy is no longer with me. I lost him in the last move. I don't know where he went. My only friend, where did you go? I am so sorry I wasn't there for you like you were for me. I am sorry I could not be as faithful as you. You always were there to listen and soak up the tears. You would remind me of when things were good. Now you are gone. gone forever and it pains me so. I have not mourned the death of family like I have mourned the loss of my piggy. I cry almost every night thinking about him, it haunts me every night.

I did not think it was possible to miss my piggy more. But I find myself using you and my piggy interchangeably I have lost you in the same place. I lost my best friend. I wish I had more to hold onto you with and this part is probably what pains me so. I miss you and you seem further away, more now than ever.

So I have made the decision to live my life as you told me. I won't ever stop shooting for those stars dad, I know you wanted the best for me and I will NOT stop until I have succeeded in doing so, I will not rest until I am able to meet with you once again. I look forward to telling you all the success you made possible for me and never got to truly understand.

All I want to say is I miss you dear friends, you will always be greatly missed.

Like my piggy daddy you are gone, my dear friends you will be greatly missed. I cherished every moment we had together <3

I will love you forever and always.

Your little girl,

Alaynnna