Silly Druid

Well, maybe it's because you use a laser, and it's supposed to always send photons in a straight line, so they land on the wall between the two slits. But if the slits are close enough to each other (and to the laser beam), due to the uncertainty principle the photons should be able to move through them, and you should see the interference pattern. So it's all a question of setting up the distances between the elements of the experiment correctly.

Also, I am kinda firing like a cannonball Newton style

Laser beam means more photons, and at least some gets through the slits. Many YouTubers try to explain it with water, and the water liquid actually pushes though to create the wave pattern, but I don't (want to) believe light does that.

We know that light is a wave at least since Maxwell's equations (if not earlier), so it does behave like water and you can get an interference pattern classically, without any quantum effects in place.