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Hazardus_Havard.

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Posts posted by Hazardus_Havard.

  1. This is a tad short for me.  I prefer my chapters much longer.  But that's just me nitpicking at what I usually prefer.  So you know, your stuff will be in purple and mine in red.  And just so you know, the unnamed stallion talking to Horizon... I'll be referring him as 'doc' since I don't know who he is or his name.

     

    I guess to start off, you don't organize anything in your story properly.  It's all clumped up, making any attempt at reading areas in a proper fashion difficult for readers.  I will take the first paragraph as an example

     

    “Now now Horizon, I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true” A gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face, out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself. “Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” He said placing down his clipboard finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style. I turned my head to the left revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shined through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness, the bell rang.

     

    This shouldn't be clumped up like this.  You need to organize paragraphs so they match up with the info needed, and speaking roles are separate as well.  Here's how it should've been organized.

     

    “Now now Horizon, I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true” A gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face,

     

    out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself.

     

    “Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” He said placing down his clipboard finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style.

     

    I turned my head to the left revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shined through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness, the bell rang.

     

    Organizing this also shows flaws not seen otherwise for newer writers and things that should be changed around.  For instance, the second time the doctor talks to the protagonist, he's asking a question.  You wrote said, but should've written 'asked'.  Another thing to look for, if a person is talking and the line continues off like both the talking areas up above are, you need to place a comma and NOT capitalize the next word. 

     

    There are other things to look for.  When a name pops up, like -

     

    “Now now Horizon,

     

    This should be corrected to -

     

    “Now, now, Horizon.

     

    There's a reason for the extra commas.  First one is when there is a need for a break.  Pretend you're speaking the sentence and usually stop to say another part of the sentence or take a breather.  That's usually where a comma goes.  It's usually common sense on this part.  The second, when two words are identical (Now now) a comma needs to be placed in between to differentiate the two apart.  Only cases this is not true is things like names or titles (Bon Bon).  The third is when a name is said at the end of a sentence, like Horizon is here.  Though not always the case, it's something you learn from over time.

     

    Now for the part on commas on continuation sentences.  If someone is talking and the line continues on without needing a period, you should put up a comma and continue the line  Here's an example of such a thing happening -

     

    "I'm hungry for some tofu-dogs," you hear Pinkie Pie saying to you.

     

    There are times this isn't needed though, such as when an exclamation point pops up.  Here's two -

     

    "Gee willikers, Batman!" Robin yells out.

     

    And reworded -

     

    "Gee willikers, Batman!" a young boy in very questionable attire yells out.

     

    And just so you know, it's common that when a thinking part pops up, people use italics.

     

    I really wish this guy would shut his trap, I thought to myself as I gave him another purple nurple.

     

    Now, I'm going to do a basic correction of the paragraph from your story. 

     

    “Now, now, Horizon. I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true,” a gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face.

     

    Out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this.  Works hell on the spine, I thought to myself.

     

    “Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” he asks, placing down his clipboard, finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style.

     

    I turned my head to the left, revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shining through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness.

     

    The bell rang.

     

    Now we have a better understanding thing to read.  But... there are still problems.  And just what are those problems?  Well, you seem to have a problem describing things and moving the scene forward.

     

    What I mean is, you should slow down a little so you can get a better understanding of what you're writing.  It seems like you are trying to get things done quickly to get the chapter out.  For instance, you're describing the doc's red eye in an evil way, then move onto Horizon being uncomfortable in a chair.  That should've either been connected to the eye somehow, or moved to it's own part.  Here's an example of how I would've written that part, albeit with some more description used.

     

    Yours -

     

    out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself.

     

    Mine -

     

    Sitting in my rough seat, still attempting to get comfortable in the stiff cushioning, I look over at the doc as he looks at his hovering clipboard.  I spot a single eye peeking out from around his clipboard, a red, glowing orb piercing from the side  It gave off the appearance as if was staring at me.  It gives him a more menacing look, reminding me of those stupid costumes I'm used to seeing on Nightmare Night... but more realistic.  I look away from his damning eye, trying to get comfortable in the darn seat once more.  It amazes me that Lyra actually likes to sit upright in these seats.  Just how does she manage?  It definitely works hell on the spine, I think as I grit my teeth in agony.  Damn this seat from Tartarus!

     

    It can be shortened, but this is just one way to go about connecting the two properly while also providing a more entertaining read to the reader.  That leads to the another problem.  You write out areas with minimum effort, making it hard to follow along or difficult in captivating a readers interest to follow along.

     

    Here's a few things I'll point out.  First off, the bell rang part needs to be lengthened out.  You should try and make it so describing the protagonist or any other character is meaningful and not forced like you did here.  You should also restructure some areas on where you write so it can be simpler to follow along.

     

    Also, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell and show.  You want to show the readers what's happening by describing areas and letting them figure out what's happening.  Telling them what's happening while also telling them about the scene is not fun to read at all.

     

    Now, I'll give you my interpretation of what you wrote in my own words as a final thing for you to see.  First, what you wrote.

     

    “Now now Horizon, I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true” A gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face, out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself. “Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” He said placing down his clipboard finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style. I turned my head to the left revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shined through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness, the bell rang.

     

    What I wrote -

     

    “Now, now, Horizon, " a gray stallion says with a clipboard hovering his face, effectively blocking it from view.  "I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true."

     

    Sitting in my rough seat, still attempting to get comfortable in the stiff cushioning, I look over at the doc as he looks at his hovering clipboard. I spot a single eye peeking out from around his clipboard, a red, glowing orb piercing from the side  It gave off the appearance as if was staring at me. It gives him a more menacing look, reminding me of those stupid costumes I'm used to seeing on Nightmare Night... but more realistic.  I look away from his damning eye, trying to get comfortable in the darn seat once more.  It amazes me that Lyra actually likes to sit upright in these seats.  Just how does she manage?  It definitely works hell on the spine, I think as I grit my teeth in agony.  Damn this seat from Tartarus!

     

    “Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” he asks, placing down his clipboard, staring at me with a small raise of his eyebrows.

     

    I tilt my head towards the ground, my cyan and white mane falling on my face. Blowing it off to the side, I sit there and think to myself, letting the seconds go by as he continues staring at me with those creepy eyes of his. It doesn't take long for me to turn back to him and spout out a simple lie. Why tell him the truth when he'll argue that I'm lying in the first place once more? The stallion nods his head at my reply, turning around in his seat and towards the windows.  He opens up the blinds, lighting up the previously dark room. I wince back, groaning at the sudden intrusion of light ramming into my eyes. 

     

    I blink a few times, trying to regain my sight.  Once it's back, I notice the doc is about to say something else when the bell rings.  Freedom! I think to myself, internally grinning.

     

     

     

    Once more, this is just how I would've written that.  There are other ways to go about it and what I have here is not set in stone. 

     

    I guess throw over a reply on what I said here in the thread if you need to ask a question about what I wrote here.

     

    I do hope what I have written here doesn't deter you from writing to further your literary abilities to progress further down the road.

  2. Colour choices are completely up to you as the artist. With that said, a well-designed logo will look great and be fully recognizable when printed in black-and-white, engraved into stone, or otherwise inserted in a medium that doesn't have a concept of colours.

     

    That's pretty true.  Okay, I'll put out the different concepts on the core logo idea I have in black and white then, and if I find the time some of them will be in color.

     

    Edit - Alright then, logo's all finished up, completely in black and white, and sent out through the email.  I'd also like to know if contestants are allowed to put their logo submissions on their DeviantArt accounts or not since it was not specified if that is allowed.

  3. I'm currently creating a logo that combines things that are MLP related while also being unique, original, and sticking them cohesively with one another.  I'd like to know what type of coloring you're hoping to use so I can use it for my logo I'll be sending in.  If you just want black or don't really care about color, what would you like to see?  From the looks of things here, purple (my favorite color) is something you'd agree with, along with complimentary colors to it?  Just asking in case you have a preference so I can design this better towards the coloring.

  4. I personally don't like the 'Conversion Bureau' type of stories.  They rarely make any sense with too many plot holes and inconsistent facts.  I tried one that I don't want to remember, and found it full of grimderp action happening left and right, trying to make one side look pitiful and the underdog with the other one the evil side that is shitting on the underdogs.  I guess there's also a part of me that dislikes it because of the war aspect that's in it.  Haven't read a good war fiction, not once.  I don't think I'll find one coming from this fandom.

     

    As of now, I personally can't think of any story that does a Good Vs. Evil without major problems.  If there are any, I wouldn't mind reading it.

  5. An HiE story?  I write HiE stories!  And a comedy story?  I write comedy stories too!  So yeah, automatic interest. 

     

    First off, you indent your story and place spaces much like I do.  Good job.  That helps the readers easily move through your story with ease, not hurting the flow of things, and allowing  breaks from reading if they need it.  You indent a little strangely though.  You do know there's an indent paragraph button on FimFic, right?  Still, good job on that.

     

    Onto your story, I noticed it's a 'tell, not show'.  And that's a bad thing.  See, you tell the reader about the backstory of the two characters instead of showing us it.  It takes a little more effort, but totally worth it.  Remember the part where it talks about the inventions that were made?  Instead of telling us, you could've had it brought up when they were talking about them.  Dan thinks Jon's time travel machine is wrong, and brings up earlier things he did.  Jon can rebut them and bring up inventions that did work. 

     

    Also, certain information is completely useless here.  It's dry and not very entertaining to read.  Mostly, the YouTube parts and the part you talk to the reader about their history.  Either omit the YouTube area or bring it up at a later time you could use it.  Don't tell us things, show them to us.

     

    The ending is a slight let down too.  You moved way too fast there.  Slow down a bit, don't move that thing into overdrive!  What I mean is pacing.  You had Jon go to Equestria in only six paragraphs, and a final line closing the prologue.  Fill in areas with him traveling to make this more enjoyable.  I mean, it's a comedy, right?  Do comedy!

     

    Here's an instance for comedy that was totally missed by you.

     

    After five minutes of explaining every single detail of the car and how it was made, Jon said, before entering the car: “If I am correct, when this bastard hits 122 miles per hour, you are going to see weird stuff happening!”

     

    First off, a comma instead of a colon works better here.  Secondly, this is all that's written about the car?  Do some comedy here!  I'll give you a small example of comedy since I write this stuff myself.  It's just a small example that could've been placed there.  Don't make time skips unless you ultimately must do so.

     

    The two of them entered with Jon in the drivers seat and Dan holding the camera.  Dan slowly pans the car, looking around.

     

    "Jon," Dan says, viewing the camera on his friend.  "I don't see anything all that different."

     

    "Ah, that's because you're not looking at the right things!  For instance, there are several new gauges on the dash that have many different readings for different things!  There's a meter for the time line traveled, how far it travels, along with some other things like the new fuel and-"

     

    "New fuel?  Jon... please tell me it's nothing wrong..."

     

    "...I may have found an ingenious way to make it run off my own piss."

     

    Dan groans, slumping back into his seat as the camera aims up at the ceiling.  "Why Jon, why?"

     

    "I needed a resource that would allow me to fuel up in a pinch!"

     

    "This is worse than the time you used all those emptied capri suns and found a way to make a weather balloon of all things!"

     

    "Hey!  That led to cheaper weather balloons and an endorsement deal!  Seriously, I taught people to truly respect the pouch!"

     

    Dan continues to groan as he sits back upright, swiveling the camera back to Jon.  He clears his throat, looking into the camera.

     

    "Right, well then.  Continuing on with the presentation."

     

    See?  This is my take on comedy that people seem to like.  If you're doing comedy, at least make it so it's there.  I didn't see any at all in the prologue.  If you can, lengthen the prologue, show and don't tell, delete the YouTube part and maybe use later since it's not really needed right now, and please make it fun.

     

    As for corrections in your story, I noticed you have backwards quotes in the talking areas.

     

    "Hey! What are you rambling about? Another crazy invention of yours?" A voice, coming from the kitchen, said.

     

    On FimFic, the quotation marks by the word 'Hey!' is backwards and so are others.  You should correct that.  Also, if the sentence continues on from a talking part, it doesn't need capitalization unless it's a name, place, or title.  Also, make your sentences interesting too.  Try to mix some of them up when it makes sense to do so.

     

    "Hey!" a voice from the kitchen hollers out.  "What are you rambling about?  Another crazy invention of yours?"

     

    So yeah.  I personally don't like the 'bronies in Equestria' type of stories, but maybe you can change that by making this an alright read.  I hope you take in consideration what I've said here.

  6. I do. It had been hours of listening to him play the same songs over and over and his friends and himself bitching at each other about him not doing well in LoL. I've given his music lots of chances and even downloaded some of it when I like it enough. It was more like I had had enough of his friends in the Skype call.

     

    I have 921 files in my music folder. Some of that is the .rars and album covers for the albums I've downloaded but most of it is music and it adds up to 5.92 gigs. I have trouble saying this, honestly but I think most of it's still pony music. I have fan-made songs and songs from the show but I also have lots of non-pony music. I can't name off the genres or artists since there's so many but some examples are Green Day, Simple Plan, Linkin Park, Eminem, Plain White T's, Ozzy, Aerosmith, Iron Maiden, Nightwish, Helloween and plenty more.

     

    I have 15,540 files in my own music folder, not including some of the ones I don't actually put in it.  And yes, I've listened to a majority of the music I have.  Including all the bands you have, I also have Blink-182, Sum 41, Avenged Sevenfold, Infected Mushroom, Pendulum, Crossfade, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Rob Zombie, Savage Garden, Everclear, System Of A Down, The Wallflowers, Black Sabbath, Trivium, Matchbox 20, and many more artists.  I love listening to music.  Branching out to other genres is a great thing you should consider.

    • Brohoof 1
  7. I really agree with Hazard's comments here. Sure, the point of writing a fanfic is to have a good time. It's a way for you to really get into something you love, but it's also important to take the effort to put out the best possible piece of work. Others will enjoy it more, and trust me when I say that when others enjoy your stuff, it brings a giddy sense of pride. What you absolutely shouldn't do is quit. Try to commit editing advice to memory so you don't make the same mistakes twice. Your writing will improve a great deal just by doing that. Also, be sure to read your work aloud before you post it. This is a simple way to catch errors. 

     

    I'm currently helping with his story and if you stick around, you can see the updated version soon.  So yeah, when you get back online you should take a look.

  8. My computer is in a shared room in our house and for their sake, I usually don't play my pony music around everyone else and when I do, I use my headset but I've been sitting here playing Minecraft, listening to my douche cousin and his douche friends being douchebags and playing "normal" music and I  just felt a sudden craving for my pony music. Not even pony music in particular, just my music, ya know?

     

    Anyone else ever feel like that?

     

    Whoa there!  First off, I love listening to all types of music.  Pony themed music is fine and I listen to it whenever I draw ponies or I write my stories about... well, ponies.  But having other music is a great way to widen your love of music, what you listen to, and even help strengthen your liking to other music or music you like. 

     

    I have about 5 GB's of pony themed music.  It's good and I listen to it often.  But I also have music for other things.  I have playlists for 90's music, full albums of Pendulum and Infested Mushroom, and even some silly stuff like Tiny Tim.  Also, have you HEARD Fall Out Boy's new album?!  I thought it was going to be muddled up with nothing but hip hop and rap, but I sure was wrong!  It's a good album, and I'm glad they're back.  Listened to that album around two dozen times alone.

     

    Bottom line, you should enjoy music on a whole.  Maybe you're not enjoying your friends and cousin's music because you have a liking to other stuff at the moment.  I'd advise to at least try out other music if all you listen to is pony themed stuff.

    • Brohoof 2
  9. Hmm alright, oh and by the way im trying not to speed update, i put all the edits up on there so fast because i really dont have another way to have someone proofread it.

     

    https://drive.google.com/#my-drive

     

    Go to that site, register, and place all your work there.  It allows other people to comment on your work so you can easily make changes.  It also works as a small proofer, telling you what words are incorrect.  Added bonus, after all the changes are made you can directly upload from that document (even the italics and other things) straight to FimFic.  That's what I use for my work when I need it proofed by some people I know. 

  10. Alright, thanks for the feedback. I think I'm just going to stop writing it. I'm not really the best writer, I wanted to see if I could do it, but it's actually turned into a lot more work than fun, and that's the whole point of writing a fanfic right? Anyways thanks for the help. I'll take a few days to think I I want to continue or not.

    By going out of your way to do the extra work, it helps the reader enjoy what you have written.  Don't you want people to enjoy your work?  Writing everything out can be some work, but the final result of having something that you wrote and can proudly admit to having done with others that enjoy reading it, that should be something to strive for.  So yes, it is a bit of work.  But the end result is worth the extra effort made.

     

    A side benefit is improving your own writing.  You should really see how I first started out around six months or so ago.  I was horrible.  Now, I feel I might even be able to write a full length book.  So no, don't stop.  Just take some time in your writing.  No one's rushing you at all.

  11. Yeah, sort of interests me, but seems that it's been overused. I have read a lot of fanfics, and most of them are sort of like that.

     

    Then all you need to do is put your own twist on it.  Maybe it involves the griffins and minotaurs originally having this type of magic, but it was long ago suppressed and  Celestia doesn't want anyone finding out.

     

    Would that help add in the extra twist?  Surely no one's done something like that, and if they have, it's rare to see.  You can easily write your own variation of it.

  12. oh alright, i think im going to add chapters together to get length. im not the best at writing lengthy chapters. anyways i updated the story a little bit.

     

    Took a quick look to point out some errors.  Mind you, it's not all of them, but by fixing these it should be simple to fix the others. 

     

    In the beginning, you forgot to indent the first part, and space the first three lines.  If you look back, you'll also see paragraphs and lines aren't spaced in other areas.

     

    Colgate walked me around to all of the stores, all of the Food places, and even towards a forest that looked terrifying.

     

    That line, along with the following lines, are not spaced properly.  You should go back and do just that.

     

    X-X-X

     

    The following doesn't need to be capitalized unless it's their names (which they aren't...)

     

    They were Orange, Yellow, and White

     

    X-X-X

     

    If you continue a sentence, it needs to be properly punctuated.

     

    “No..” I answered.

     

    Instead of a period, (two of them, strange enough) you should use a comma.

     

    “No,” I answered.

     

    X-X-X

     

    She turned to Colgate and asked, “how did you meet him?”

     

    Unless it's a continuation of her talking from the sentence, that first part of her talking should be capitalized.  Also, present tensing of words (turns) should be used instead of past (turned) since it's happening at the moment in the story.  Same with asked (past) to asks (present)

     

    She turns to Colgate and asks, "How did you meet him?"

     

    X-X-X

     

    5 feet

     

    You should ALWAYS spell the numbers unless it's in special circumstances, like titles.

     

    Five feet

     

    X-X-X

     

    That kind of was a let down, but I had wings! And that was cool!

     

    Once again, this is in past.  You want present.

     

    That's kind of a let down, but I have wings!  And that's cool!

    (Note, I contracted the previous sentence.  That's is actually That is when not contracted)

     

    X-X-X

     

    It also appears like you're speed posting.  Don't do that.  Please, don't.  Take your time, look over your work, and then post.  There are many errors there that really shouldn't be there, and they're very easy to see.  You should be able to see them yourself.

  13. I would want the basis to be somewhat of a mystery type fanfiction, with some crossovers. I would want it to be made into more chapters so I can expand.

     

     

    Okay, here's a simple idea you can try out.

     

    A character, whether it be OC or already made, accidentally stumbles into something that they're not supposed to.  That's the truth about magic and other magical things that exist.  Curiosity getting the better of the character, he/she/it continues going down the rabbit hole, just to see how deep it goes.

     

    Usually, I personally write HiE stories, so I would've had a human stumble upon it by accident, and having a different thought pattern than humans, knows what to look for and sees things differently.  But that's just me.

     

    What can you do?  Maybe he finds out how a unicorn truly does magic, and yet the unicorns never knew and the info to this was always suppressed for some strange reason?  Maybe he comes across some magical artifacts that allow him to do things others cant, which divulges into other forms of magic that hasn't been seen in so long no one knows of them?  Think runes, alchemy, or other things you can think of.  He keeps digging into the mystery of everything while trying his best not to be seen doing it.

     

    Does this idea interest you?

  14.  

     

    An understandable question.  Personally, I was like that about a year and a half ago, maybe longer.  I originally got this show for my niece to watch with her friends on my computer, but I didn't want them touching the computer.  So I stayed and watched the episodes.  It was... strange.  I was expecting tea parties and talks about dresses.  Instead, I got a cartoon that actually had interesting characters (even with flaws!), interesting story, and genuine fun to see what happens next. 

     

    Yes, the beginning song is a bit off putting, and some of their songs they sing is also very awkward to watch with others in the room.  This IS a cartoon geared towards the younger female demographic after all.  Still, with Faust providing the entire thing, she managed to produce a cartoon that can cater to other people.  Much like Spongebob, this isn't just for kids.  Adults can enjoy this, but only if they get over the fact that it's about ponies...

     

    It sort of went down hill towards season three though when they made Alicorn Twilight.  No matter the argument made, they had that done to make more toys to sell instead of making this a more meaningful development.  I wouldn't have cared if they did that so long as it felt like a good way to do it.  They didn't do that.  Same with the Discord episode, but that's something else.

     

    Also, the fandom is pretty nice (so long as you stay out of certain areas).  I've been in nearly ALL the areas, and this site is definitely one of the good ones, if not the best place to be for the fandom.  It's ballooned so out of proportion with fan fiction, art, songs, fan made cartoons, and even video games.  It's also nice to find others that enjoy it as much as you, even if it's online.

     

    If you don't care for it, I'd recommend at least watching the first two seasons, and then delve into the fandom a little.  You might find you like it a little more than you thought you would.

  15. Alright well thanks for the Error feedback, i realized i had a lot of Errors, I'm using an offline tool to write this now, so hopefully the Errors wont be as much.

     

    Also i never said that the Main Character was a human; actually i made it clear in the desc. that it was a stallion. im planning on elaborating of why he was shocked. (he wasnt shocked at a pony talking, but rather shocked because he didn't see her and was suprised.)

     

    with the chapter length i was actually thinking of adding the 2nd chapter to the first chapter. this is still a WIP, after all. 

     

    With the word limit i haven't submitted the work. i just gave out the link to check it out.

     

    thank you for the feedback though. im hoping the second part of chapter 1 will make it a lot better.

    The only thing I must counter is that most people don't really care for a description or sometimes skip them, like I have.  You should do some descriptive writing in the first part to better show this to the reader.  A good way to do that is have Colgate talk to the pony and ask about him, describing him subtly in the process.  That will fill in the reader what he looks like without telling us (a clever way of showing us what he looks like) while also moving the story along.

  16. Well, it's hard to help when you don't specify what exactly you want to write.

     

    Is it Comedy?  Romance?  Dark?  Are Crossover's fine?  Is HiE fine ? (Human in Equestria)  What central characters do you want, or do you not care for that?  And how long are you wanting this story to go?  Oneshot, lengthy Oneshot, or an actual story?

    • Brohoof 1
  17. How in the HELL did you get this up?!  It's only 365 words, and yet the site states you're only allowed to put up a story that's at LEAST 1k words!

     

    ...I suppose that's beside the point.  Your story is laden with errors everywhere.  You indent paragraphs, and yet forget to space things.  You need to space in between paragraphs, properly capitalize areas, add in proper punctuation marks, and many other things.  Also, this really isn't a chapter.  There isn't much there to begin with, so it's hard to even critique this or give proper feedback.  I will show you how to correct your work though using something from your own story.  Your work in purple, mine in red.

     

     

    I was sort of shocked at first, but then composed myself and said. "yea Im doing just fine... where am I exactly?"

     

    I was shocked at first, but quickly composed myself.  "Yeah, I'm doing just fine," I said.  "Where exactly am I?

     

    Another way to write this -

     

    I was sort of shocked at first, but composed myself from reacting.  "Yeah, I'm doing just fine... where exactly am I?"

     

    Also, your story should be capitalized.

     

    Amnesia: Journey of self discovery

    to

    Amnesia: Journey Of Self Discovery

     

    Same with your chapter titles.

     

    It's hard to actually give you feedback like I said.  You don't really have a first chapter here, only the beginning of one.  All I can do is point out you need to fix your errors. 

     

    Well... the only thing I can point out is that 'Buddy' acclimated to talking to a pony WAY too quickly.  Normally, a human would react to a pony that's both colorful, small, and talking with intelligence (a sapient equine) with a lot of curiosity and wonder.  Other reactions can be frightened or freaking out.  None of these happen.  It's like he went with it like a normal every day occurrence.  That's not a normal reaction, unless you're writing your character as being mentally challenged in some way, and I am putting that politely.  That's the only thing I'd recommend fixing.

  18.  

     

    Well, looking at your story, I was... to be honest, not expecting anything interesting.  Crossovers have a tendency of going off the deep end, never really writing an appropriate story at all.  One of the few stories I know of that does it well enough is An Irish Nomad's "It Ain't Easy Praising The Sun". http://www.fimfiction.net/story/49185/it-aint-easy-praising-the-sun

     

    Yes, he has problems splitting up his paragraphs properly and a few other errors.  Overall, his story is a lot of fun to read.  Looking at your story, I didn't expect much like I've said before.  But then I saw you're writing it in a comedic approach (whether you mean to or not), and with my favorite BG pony, Lyra.  I also write a story almost akin to yours, that being a Lyra centric story with a human involved, but in a different approach and not a crossover.  You have me interested. 

     

    Also, it seems you have a bit of comedy splashed on the first chapter.  Seeing as this whole story is just plain silly to even exist (F.E.A.R. crossover with MLP...) I'd advise trying some comedy here.  If you do, add in the comedy tag.

     

    Reading the first chapter, I'm surprised you keep the reader interested by having interesting pieces placed.  You also show and not tell, which is a great thing to see.  Most writers never do that.  The first chapter is an extremely entertaining, enjoyable read.

     

    Now... for the problems.

     

    First off, you seem to have the very same problem I did when I first started out.  If you read my stuff, you might know what I'm talking about.

     

    Past/present tensing of words.  In fact, I'm certain even after cleaning my own stuff, there's still some there.  For your story, you also have this.  Your stuff in purple, mine in red.  Examples as shown -

     

     

    She was quite familiar with the company

     

    She was?  So she's not anymore?  You mean is.  And don't forget to contract!

     

    She's quite familiar with the company

     

    X-X-X

     

    She had been staring at it for a few minutes now,

     

    Had is past, has is present.  Contracting it turns it into another 'she's'.  And yes, you can contract the word has, but only in certain circumstances.  Just use common sense on how people commonly speak.

     

    She's been staring at it for a few minutes now,

     

    X-X-X

     

    The Trottingham-based “special interests firm” was quite popular among the country’s nobility

     

     

    Was means it used to be.  Is means it currently is.

     

     

    The Trottingham-based “special interests firm” is quite popular among the country’s nobility

     

    X-X-X

     

    I would recommend going over your stuff and fixing them where you can.  There's a few other errors, such as spelling 'Alfa' when you mean 'Alpha'.  These errors are also in chapters two and three, just so you know.  Other than that, there isn't many errors in your work.  The first chapter is really fun to read.  Good job.

     

    ~X~

     

    The second chapter... it's got some bigger problems.  The obvious ones are what I told you up above.  The big one is it's so... dry.  It's boring.  You also reverted into the tell, not show.  What happened?  First chapter is fun to read, next one reads off like a fact sheet on things to do and get done.  I get you're setting things up for later, but you could've added in some interesting things to help move the chapter along. 

     

    Like what?  Well, you could've had some of the characters talking back and forth on what was there instead of just telling us.  This could've been a good chance to characterize your units for later on.  Maybe one of the commanders have a strange quirk, like talking to himself constantly like no ones even there, saying how the units are horrible or how he wishes to be elsewhere from how bad they are.  Or maybe one of the troops, Foxtrot Company for example, has a habit of posing after finishing each job or even in the middle of each job due to their previous owner having trained them to do just that.  If you do plan on writing comedy here, make it comedic!  But keeping it realistic while not going over the limit into the idiotic zone keeps things fresh, moving, and fun to read.  You don't have to do it like I mentioned, but I would still advise some interaction between them and having them talk about the rooms instead of having us read what the see.  It's boring otherwise.

     

    You could've also added in some interesting things for fun.  Maybe when they go into a room, they see important stuff, the building materials they find, while also seeing that the walls are adorned with pony-model calenders left and right, posing in them in an erotic manner.  The ultimate comedic thing would have them talk about it, and yet not reacting like those darn anime's with those stupid nose bleeds. 

     

    The following is just an example of this.  I am setting it up like the Bravo unit is the only one that talks like this.  Maybe the other units actually speak in a human way, but the Bravo unit talks like this because of their previous training.

     

     

    "How strange, they appear to be modeling in a very erotic manner.  Why, this one is lying on her back while wearing what appears to be panties."

     

    "I see that as well.  And how quaint, it appears that I have a protrusion in my pants all of a sudden."

     

    "I believe the proper term for that is a boner, commander."

     

    "Strange, it appears that they are attractive for me.  It must be their humanesque appearance and erotic poses."

     

    "That must be it, commander.  An appropriate reaction in a human fashion would be for me to either join you in this or be against.  Seeing as I don't have a boner at the moment and do not see them as attractive for now, I feel I am not with you on this, commander.  An appropriate response would be for me to call you a bothersome twat, or an idiot for being attracted to what would appear to be an equine race."

     

    "And my response would be to order you to clear out this room on your own, for I am attracted to them and I do not like the name calling.  Along with being your superior, I am entitled to do just that."

     

    "I am upset at your actions, but I must do as ordered since I am under your command.  I will most likely talk behind your back, so you know."

     

    "Duly noted.  I also order you to bring me all these calenders to my private chambers."

     

    "For personal study, I assume?"

     

    "... Yes."

     

    This is just an example of a comedic approach to how they can interact.  Thinking on this, I will most likely use something like this for my own story since this is too damn good to pass up from doing so.

     

    X-X-X

     

    Just think of ways to help spice things up.  Maybe one room has something menacing, like pony versions of weapons, but they're made to look frilly.  Things that spice stuff up and interest a reader helps add in things you need to without it being a chore to read.  If you're going to write something, even if it's needed and feels boring, make it interesting for us to read. 

     

    I skipped a lot of chapter two because of this, just so you know.  The only truly interesting part was near the end with Lyra's interaction with them.  Your F.E.A.R. characters are so boring, dry, and uninteresting.  I could care less about them.  Make me want to care about them.  Give them character.  Doing that, you'll have a truly great story on your hands.

     

    ~X~

     

    The third chapter picks up real quick, making the reader (myself) eager to read more.  There are a few problems though that keep me from seeing this in a realistic sense.

     

    The first and foremost is the guns.  The ponies don't know, or shouldn't anyways, what they are or what they can do.  Having a small presentation would be in order so they have a reason to be fearful of them, or at least to Bon Bon.  Dash, she doesn't need one since she also had a knife to her, so it's excusable for her not to. 

     

    Second, I do hope you have Lyra acting smart here.  At least, smart enough to know what would be needed, such as ordering a current 'Do not shoot to kill, or even shoot to harm' order seeing as the humans there seem willing to shoot to protect Lyra or even themselves.  Other orders may be needed.

     

    Another thing.  Equines do in fact eat meat.  It's just that they're not predators, so they don't hunt for it.  They're the prey type.  But if given the meat, they'll eat it.  http://horsetalk.co.nz/2012/04/17/horses-as-meat-eating-killers/#.UQcYFmcmx8G  Your story seems okay at the moment with the whole meat idea, but I figured I'd give you that for future ideas.

     

    The ending seemed a tad much though.  You should've at least had Lyra try and order them to do something that no normal being would usually do, proving that she's in control and they wouldn't do harm to them.  Maybe have them do some synchronized dancing, or something equally as weird.  Afterwards, if you still want Dash to be knocked out, have her still acting hostile and wanting the three of them to still stay away (maybe continuing to call Lyra a loony), then knocking her out.  It would end on a lighter note, and even more fun.  Still, chapter three seems fine and refreshing from the previous bore that was chapter two.

     

    ~X~

     

    I do hope whatever you do with the next chapter, it doesn't go over the limit.  Unless you have Lyra order them what I mentioned up above, and soon, I can almost see them shooting at the ponies or injuring them in a bad way that wouldn't be very fun, turning this story to a Dark tag.  And hopefully, what I said here is helpful in some way to you.

  19.  

     

    WARNING: VERY LONG POST THAT WILL HELP YOUR WRITING FOLLOWING.  ONLY PROCEED IF YOU WANT TO GET BETTER.

     

    X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

     

     

     

    To be honest, it's difficult reading all of this.  You don't use proper punctuations, capitalization, and there are many other problems that are in your story, such as terrible pacing.  Also, your story revolves around, from what I can tell, a test for 'gym'.  When you write a story, do your best to make it interesting, but in a sense, realistic at the same time.  What do I mean by 'realistic'?  Simple enough.  Just make sure it keeps to the shows own story bits while making it feel natural and it all makes sense. 

     

    For instance, there's magic, mythical creatures, and all sorts of things you can use that the reader should understand is already there.  Adding in a B-52 bomber along with a cavalry of khajiit's wielding energy swords and full of NOS might not make a whole lot of sense.  You can make sense of it, but convincing the reader it should be there, while also entertaining them, will be a lot of hard work.

     

    You're currently using Cheerilee's school right now and have a gym class going on.  If you remember, there isn't an actual gym.  If you also remember, so far all we have is Cheerilee herself as the sole teacher.  As a reader, we start asking questions about this stuff.  No, most people don't actually ask them, but it still pops up when reading things in the back of their heads.  Here's some things I noticed that you never pointed out in your story.

     

    • Where are they doing this test?
    • Is it at an actual gym?  Outside?  By a track? 
    • Why is there a gym class to begin with?
    • Is this even the same schoolyard with Cheerilee?
    • Who exactly is this Lightning Hooves?
    • Why are they having this test?
    • Why is all this important?

     

    Some of the questions, like the third one, don't need to be answered so long as believability of the entire scene is helped to move the story along.  We might still question it (since seriously, why do ponies need a gym class?) but it's easy to ignore if you make the scene move in a meaningful manner.  But the last question is quite possibly the most important one.  That is the thing that the reader will want to know.  From the looks of things, this is a Scootaloo centric story where she wants to be the best at a test, then tell Rainbow Dash.  So what are the problems here? 

     

    First off, give a reason why this is all important.  Maybe Scootaloo is doing this because Rainbow Dash promised a reward for being the fastest one at the test?  Or maybe she wants to show her that, and feels like not being the fastest would show she's not doing her best.  Those are just some ways to show a reason why this entire story is here, and helping the reader go, "Oh, okay.  So that's why all this is here."

     

    Another reason, and this is the biggest problem for you.  You have a tendency of telling, not showing.  What you should have been doing is showing, not telling.  What do I mean by that?  Here's an example.  Your stuff in purple, mine in red.  I will also be showing you the problems in your writing as well.

     

    As the class lines up to start the mile diamond tiara and silver spoon Can't help but crack a joke on the "cutie mark CRYBABIES" and there blank flanks "since were running everyone can enjoy my cutie mark unlike you dumb blank flanks" says Diamond tiara Scootaloo replies "to see your cutie mark you must first run faster then me" Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

     

    This part right here is very hard to read.  It feels clumped up, like all of this could've been two or three separate parts, maybe even more.  Here's a breakdown on your paragraph split apart.

     

    As the class lines up to start the mile diamond tiara and silver spoon Can't help but crack a joke on the "cutie mark CRYBABIES" and there blank flanks "since were running everyone can enjoy my cutie mark unlike you dumb blank flanks" says Diamond tiara Scootaloo replies "to see your cutie mark you must first run faster then me"

     

    Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

     

    There's two parts here.  One for her talking, one for the act she'll soon commit.  Do you see why it's harder to read now?  Starting with the top line, I'll show you a proper way to write this.

     

    As the class lines up to start the mile, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon can't help but crack a joke on the 'cutie mark crybabies' and their blank flanks. "Since we're running, everypony can enjoy my cutie mark, unlike you dumb blank flanks" Diamond Tiara says.

     

    "To see your cutie mark, you must first run faster then me," Scootaloo replies.

     

    This is a simple fix up.  First, you NEED to capitalize all names.  It's a must.  Second, you need to know when to place the 'X Person Says' in a sentence.  It usually fits best last, and with the character in front of the action.  You also have a problem of contracting words and using the wrong ones.  Were and we're are two different things.  What's contracting?  It's when two words are combined into a new one.

     

    We're=We Are

    They're=They Are

    It's=It is

     

    And make sure you use the correct usage of words.  There, their, and they're are three different words for different meanings.  You used 'there' when you should've used 'their'.  Think of 'there' as a place (go over there, Rarity), while 'their' as ownership (that's their toy, Cupcake!), and 'they're' will always be 'they are', which usually refers to multiple people (they're helping me at the moment, Discord).

     

    You also need to make sure to incorporate proper lexicon.  What I mean is, the ponies on average say 'everypony' and 'somepony' more than 'everyone' and 'somebody'.  Yes, they do say everybody, but it's more in character to see them say everypony more often than not.  Don't forget to place proper lexicon of any character, which might include special words or saying as well.

     

    Lastly, you always need to split up talking parts in a paragraph.  If Diamond Tiara spoke in the last part, Scootaloo needs to be split in the next part.

     

    Now, after correcting this part, you have to think of what makes sense now.  How in the world would both Tiara and Spoon even know together to crack a joke?  Silver Spoon has always looked like a follower to me, so it would make sense to take her out of the line, but following along.

     

    As the class lines up to start the mile, Diamond Tiara can't help but crack a joke on the 'cutie mark crybabies' and their blank flanks. "Since we're running, everypony can enjoy my cutie mark, unlike you dumb blank flanks since I'll be ahead of everypony," Diamond Tiara says, showing off her backside and revealing her cutie mark.

     

    Silver Spoon lets out a small laugh, making Diamond Tiara smile.  Scootaloo scowls at the two, not liking the teasing.

     

    "To see your cutie mark," Scootaloo says, getting ready for the run, "you must first run faster then me."

     

    As you can see, I added in actions to this, while also moving the Scootaloo replies part to the middle of her speaking, replacing the 'replies' to 'say', and putting in a small amount of action to her part.  This adds in movement to the story and adds in parts so the reader can better visualize what's happening.

     

    Now we get to the last part of this part.

     

    Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

     

    This right here is a perfect opportunity to show some character in your story.  Instead of telling us she's going to do that, why not show it in a way that entertains us more?  You could have her telling Silver Spoon here.  Why do that?  Well, Silver Spoon is the one that ultimately cheats, so it makes sense for Tiara to tell her.  Here's something I thought up for this part -

     

    Diamond Tiara humphs to herself, going over to the starting line with her other schoolmates.  Silver Spoon walks by her, leaning in to whisper.  "So what are we going to do?"

     

    "What else?" Diamond Tiara replies with a smirk.  "We're going to win and show the blank flanks who's the better pony here."  She looks down at Silver's necklace, looking at the round pearls gleaming in the light.  "Even if we have to be... inventive in our winning."

     

    Silver Spoon smiles at her, getting the message.  She walks back over to her spot, waiting for the race to begin.  Diamond knew she couldn't really win in a speed race with Scootaloo.  Whether she wants to admit it or not, Scootaloo is the fastest pony at school.  So, she'll just have to win it in another way.

     

    As you can see, I lengthened the last part out so there's more interaction in the scene, and it's more entertaining.  Yes, this can be considered fluff, but depending on the following scenes, this is important.  I also subtracted the teacher yelling out go.  Why?  You can take that line to the side and add in a little more to that, with each pony gearing up to start the race.  That line alone can add in two more parts that will help the story.  So, let's go over your work to mine once again.

     

    Yours-

     

     

    As the class lines up to start the mile diamond tiara and silver spoon Can't help but crack a joke on the "cutie mark CRYBABIES" and there blank flanks "since were running everyone can enjoy my cutie mark unlike you dumb blank flanks" says Diamond tiara Scootaloo replies "to see your cutie mark you must first run faster then me" Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

     

    Mine-

     

    As the class lines up to start the mile, Diamond Tiara can't help but crack a joke on the 'cutie mark crybabies' and their blank flanks. "Since we're running, everypony can enjoy my cutie mark, unlike you dumb blank flanks since I'll be ahead of everypony," Diamond Tiara says, showing off her backside and revealing her cutie mark.

     

    Silver Spoon lets out a small laugh, making Diamond Tiara smile.  Scootaloo scowls at the two, not liking the teasing.

     

    "To see your cutie mark," Scootaloo says, getting ready for the run, "you must first run faster then me."

     

    Diamond Tiara humphs to herself, going over to the starting line with her other schoolmates.  Silver Spoon walks by her, leaning in to whisper.  "So what are we going to do?"

     

    "What else?" Diamond Tiara replies with a smirk.  "We're going to win and show the blank flanks who's the better pony here."  She looks down at Silver's necklace, looking at the round pearls gleaming in the light.  "Even if we have to be... inventive in our winning."

     

    Silver Spoon smiles at her, getting the message.  She walks back over to her spot, waiting for the race to begin.  Diamond knew she couldn't really win in a speed race with Scootaloo.  Whether she wants to admit it or not, Scootaloo is the fastest pony at school.  So, she'll just have to win it in another way.

     

    Just remember not to write the bare minimum in a story.  Lengthen out scenes, make it pace well, and add in some entertaining bits for the reader to fully visualize your writing.  I hope all this helps you out in whatever you write in the future.

  20. My first impression is that the questions and descriptions are a bit excessive. Some readers can get bored if they feel that they're stuck reading a lot of unimportant content like meandering trains of thought or extraneous detail to get to the juicy parts, and a lot of things they'll pick up on by themselves.

     

    I like to add a lot of details, too, but I try to ask myself two things:

    1) Does it matter or clarify something of value?

    2) Does it add to ambiance or important visuals?

     

     

    A shorter paragraph could serve the same purpose, but cut down and size and move the reader along faster. They can really add up.

     

    I completely agree with you.  Interesting to say, I've rewritten the prologue over twenty times now.  No joke.  Originally, this thing was around 6k words.  Now, it's more around 4k (just checked, 3,777 words).  I've omitted a lot of it since so much was not needed or just idiotic of me to write in the first place.

     

    What you say there, I agree as well.  So... why did I still do that?  Well, it was to add in the confusion of the situation with the main character.  I wanted to make it feel like that's how most people would actually think in a situation like that.  First they'd see their surroundings, then look around.  Seeing something so strange, they'd start questioning things for themselves, eventually remembering.  But yeah, I suppose I could've added in some other things to help here. 

     

    If there's anything else, I wouldn't mind hearing about it since anything and everything does help me improve my story.  Oh, and so you know, I do double space after the completion of a sentence.  Why?  Strange enough, that's how my school originally taught me how to write and even if it's a queer thing to see something like that, it's always stuck with me.

  21. Sure, I'll go read it and tell you what I think. I am a fast reader, so you can expect a response soon (Probably tonight). If you need an editor, I'd be more than happy to fulfill that role. I don't mind big stories. And if you would like to help me, check out my story below and tell me what you think. It is my first fanfic.

     

    http://www.fimfiction.net/story/93915/queen-chrysalis-plan

     

    EDIT: Wait, this story is kind of long so I'll probably won't finish it tonight.

     

    Sure, I can do that.  It won't be sometime until I have to go shopping.  Midnight, if you'll believe that.

     

     

    I'll read it as well for you man. Might take me awhile though. Looks interesting. I'll get back to you with feedback as soon as I get a little way in. Half way through the Prologue now, and I have to say I'm impressed so far.

    I'll be waiting then for whatever you have to say.

     

     

    I just read your story, writing up a reply to each chapter and the prologue to it in a private message just so you know, okay?

    • Brohoof 1
  22. Hello everyone.  I come asking for some help here on my writing. 

     

    You see, I've just cleaned up my prologue and many chapters, even just recently updating my story.  I feel it could be better though.  I tried going to sites like Ponychan, but all I got was someone that said it's too long for them.  That's after almost a month of waiting on any reply over there.  I have some people helping me, and one person that's very awesome for all the work in helping, but having more eyes on things would help this better.

     

    I'm not looking for someone to proof read everything.  That's an enormous amount of work that I wouldn't ask for here.  I'm just looking for a little feedback, maybe some criticism on things.  If anyone likes certain things, that can help too since it would show what readers enjoy and how I can improve on that. 

     

    Even ideas that people would like to see, I'd be okay with.  Maybe I can find some way to write some into the story in later chapters.  I started writing fanfic as a way to learn how to write better and I have improved, but I feel I can improve more. 

     

    ...It seems I'm getting a bit too wordy here.  Below is the link to my main story, which is also in my signature along with my Deviant Art page for artwork.  If you'd rather leave a comment on my story, or even just private message me on either here or my FimFic account, that's cool as well.  I read everything that's there.  I'm also available to help out on looking at other peoples work too if they need it, so long as I have the time to do so.

     

    http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70801/an-alien-walks-amongst-us

     

    The one thing I've always strived for is a well paced story and to 'show, not tell' when writing.  That doesn't mean I don't mess up though.  Any help in any form is appreciated.



    I guess I forgot to mention.  This is a comedic story that will have adventure and feels in it.  By feels, I mean romance and other things.

    post-5025-0-82619400-1365472756_thumb.png

    • Brohoof 3
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