In The Spirit of Hearth's Warming Eve(Rewrite attempt)(Feedback?)

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

Hearth's warming eve, a time that brings everypony together with their friends and family, was in full swing, Two pegasuses’ feelings of being alone for this holiday compelled them stay in each other's company. Rainbow Dash's house wasn't the place to hold a tree, but Fluttershy's cottage was perfect.

Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Applejack have left to go visit Twilight's parents in Canterlot, and won't be back until tomorrow. This left Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy to themselves, which, to Rainbow Dash, meant more time to spend together. Fluttershy seems so far gone, but maybe Rainbow Dash could fix that. Approaching Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash hoofed her a wrapped present she had bought from the gift shop in Ponyville. Its the only thing she can afford and hopes Fluttershy will like it.

"For me? Rainbow Dash, thank you." said Fluttershy, a smile crossed her face as she unwrapped it, revealing a hairpin molded into the shape of a butterfly. "Thank you Rainbow Dash, I love it.", Fluttershy said in her characteristic soft tone. Rainbow Dash didn't think she would like it, but was relieved to hear the gratitude in her friend’s voice. Returning the favor, Fluttershy hoofed Rainbow Dash the present she got for her. "Go on, you'll like it." Fluttershy said. Rainbow Dash opened the gift to see a framed and autographed photo of Soarin, a member of the legendary Wonderbolts. Rainbow Dash stared at the photo, mouth agape, surprised that her friend could even get one.

"H-How did you-!”, Dash exclaimed, not even trying to hide the shock in her voice. “Oh thank you, Fluttershy!" She leaped at Fluttershy and nearly squeezed her insides out in a warm embrace, which Fluttershy happily returned. Rainbow Dash carefully set her photo aside, planning to hang it somewhere in her house later.

"I thought you'd like it, so i asked Soarin if he'd be willing to do it for a fan." A blush came over Fluttershy’s face as she tried to hide it, obviously embarrassed. 

“Thank you, Fluttershy! It's awesome!" Rainbow Dash couldn't help herself with the joy she is feeling. Fluttershy smiled at how happy Rainbow Dash was at the moment, and decided it was time to begin preparations for their dinner together. It wouldn't be right to have a guest and not do anything for them, and its just how she feels about everypony in Ponyville and the animals that she cares for. While Fluttershy prepares their dinner, Rainbow Dash takes the time to think about how they should spend the rest of the night. Hearth's Warming Eve always held a few activities in Canterlot, most ponies never give up a chance to see the city lit up this time of year.

"Rainbow Dash? Can you come and help me for a moment?" called Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash comes to help her out.

"Sure! what do you need?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"I need some of the eggs, can you get them?" Rainbow Dash nods and gets them out, placing them next to Fluttershy. Moments like these were enjoyable, the closer you were; the better your friendships lasted.

"Say, Fluttershy? after we're done, would you like to go to Canterlot for the tree lighting?” asked Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy turned to smile.

"Yes, that would be wonderful. I've never seen it myself, so it will be fun." with that, Fluttershy turns back to the stove. Angel has fallen asleep near the couch again, Rainbow Dash can't help but chuckle to himself.

"What? did something-" Fluttershy joins her in a moment of laughter, Fluttershy calms down long enough to put Angel in his bed. Its not unusual to find him lying there like that, after all, he does help her with the chores. "Poor thing, he works so hard." says Fluttershy, walking back to the kitchen to finish up. Its been a long day with no end in sight for the snowfall, Rainbow Dash had the day off as others will be doing the job in the morning. Fluttershy brings the dinner to the table and Rainbow Dash joins her. The food was great, but something felt like it was missing. Shrugging their shoulders they both continue their dinner like nothing was wrong, it wouldn't do to worry about such a small thing. Its the holidays and that meant nothing should keep them from spending their time together.

"Thanks for the diner, Fluttershy, it was great!" Fluttershy smiles as she turns toward the kitchen to deal with the dishes. Usually Rainbow Dash is not normally like this, but it is fun to see her having a great time.

“Oh, you're welcome, Rainbow Dash." answers Fluttershy, much delight in her voice as they talk about what they will do during their trip to Canterlot and perhaps pay a surprise visit to Twilight and the others. 

 

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After dinner, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy get themselves ready to leave, Angel was always left to look after the cottage. It doesn't bother him though, usually finding ways to spend his time alone.

"Angel, please look after the cottage while we're away." asked Fluttershy, closing the front door behind them. Its not long before its opens once more, Fluttershy peeking her head through.

"Oh and don't forget to-" Angel stands there with his foot tapping the floor. He wished she just go and have fun, normally he'd be against it, but this time was an exception.

"Oh... Right, i'll be going now." said Fluttershy as she closed the door once more, leaving Angel to take care of everything. Both mares take the moment to talk as they go through Ponyville.

 

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"Fluttershy, remember when i couldn't get you to cheer loud enough? You were just so quiet when you first did it, but during the moment that i did the sonic rainboom; you cheered so loud. I just smiled as you were jumping up and down with such joy in your voice." Fluttershy blushed a little, but laughed a little at the memory.

"Oh.. now i remember that, it was fun to see you achieve it. But i wonder, will you ever stop being friends when you become a wonderbolt?" asked Fluttershy, eyes looking to the ground.

"Nah, i would never do that to you guys. We'll all best friends for life!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash, getting everypony's attention around her. Laughing nervously, they set out towards Canterlot. 

 

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Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy enter Canterlot, everypony was busy getting their holiday shopping done; even the lights were a sight to behold. Taking the moment to take in the sights, Fluttershy was shivering, but Rainbow Dash noticed this and gave Fluttershy her own scarf; a small price to pay, but anything to keep her friend happy.

"T-Thank you, R-Rainbow Dash," said Fluttershy, teeth chattering. She had forgotten about her scarf and felt like she should go get it. But that would ruin the night out for them, this was the time to be happy; not dwell on past mistakes. But now is the time to be happy, Rainbow Dash has brought her here; and that means a lot to Fluttershy. As they round the next corner, the tree comes into view. The pegasuses' are setting up the lights and ornament on it, seems the time has not yet come.

"I guess we're still early, what do you feel like doing, Fluttershy?" asks Rainbow Dash, she hasn't given 
any thought to what Fluttershy wanted to do; so she gives her a chance.

"I want to go see what they have in the shops, I'm always late to get anything i want." Rainbow Dash smiles and nods at her request, much to her delight.

"Alright, whatever you want to do, we'll do it." answers Rainbow Dash, eager to get started. Though this will be a boring trip, Rainbow Dash promised she would go. Fluttershy was smiling as she browses through the shops, each had wonderful items on sale; but none got her attention. Fluttershy comes to a vendor selling a variety of fruits, Rainbow Dash didn't want any. But of course Fluttershy was hungry after all, she pays for her apples and they move on.

 

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It was getting close to the time for the tree lighting ceremony, a moment each looked forward to. Both smiled as they ran back to the center of town; almost acting like fillies. Everypony was waiting there until the show begins, Rainbow Dash walks over to a stallion with a camera taking pictures of the tree, tapping his shoulder, she whispers something into his ears; turning to see Fluttershy as Rainbow dash points a hoof in her direction. Understanding, the stallion follows Rainbow Dash back to Fluttershy.

"This is gonna be great! you'll see." says Rainbow Dash with a wide grin. Fluttershy laughs nervously as the stallion gets ready to take a picture of them both.

"Um, i don't know about this, Rainbow dash, do we have to?" asked Fluttershy, but Rainbow Dash held her tightly as they camera flashes. Rubbing her eyes, Fluttershy regains her vision after a bit and can see Rainbow Dash holding a picture.

"Can i see it?" asks Fluttershy, eager to see what the result is. But steps back at what her face looks like, this of course gets Rainbow Dash laughing; making Fluttershy frown.

 

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So i haven't finished it yet, but i feel i did better this time around; hope you guys like it.

I'm so nervous about this, i'm just not sure if this will be good to you guys.

 

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Problems so far

 

- Slipped in and out of past tense a lot

Edited June 13, 2015 by Candy Star

[You Heard Nothing 1,213]

The largest problem is the fact that you slipped in and out of past tense a lot, but otherwise I liked it.

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

The largest problem is the fact that you slipped in and out of past tense a lot, but otherwise I liked it.

Really?   Oh man, i derped  . sorry. 

I'll be noting the problems in the first post so i can remember what to fix. So if you guys find anything out of place; let me know and i'll add it to the list.

Edited June 7, 2015 by Candy Star

[Erethiel 41]

Only thing I see wrong is paragraph 14, (font=Ariel) in the middle of the text. Other than that, seems befitting enough.

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

Only thing I see wrong is paragraph 14, (font=Ariel) in the middle of the text. Other than that, seems befitting enough.

Oh my...  i'm slipping up a lot lately. Fixed it, and thank you for bringing that to my attention; i've been busy so i never thought to check.

Edited June 12, 2015 by Candy Star

[catnet 9,359]

Thank you so much for continuing with this!  This is turning out even cuter than the summary you showed me (which was pretty adorable on its own ^~^), and Flutters and R.D. seem very much in-character here. ^.^

 

I have a few nitpicks- very small things, don't worry ^^- in mind, but feel free to skip them if you prefer. They don't really detract from the story at all, to me, but I feel they're worth identifying all the same.

 

 

~From what I've seen, Hearth's Warming Eve is usually capitalized at the start of every word, rather than written as 'Hearth's warming eve'

~When a piece of dialogue ends before the sentence finishes, a comma should generally be used instead of a full stop. For example, this-

 

 

"T-Thank you, R-Rainbow Dash." said Fluttershy, teeth chattering.

would become this-

 

 

"T-Thank you, R-Rainbow Dash," said Fluttershy, teeth chattering.

 

~If you're shortening 'it is' or 'it has', 'it's' should generally be used instead of 'its'. 

 

 

“Thank you, Fluttershy! Its awesome!"

would be-

 

 

“Thank you, Fluttershy! It's awesome!"

 

 

 

 

Overall, I'm loving how this is turning out so far, and I can't wait to read the next part! 

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

Overall, I'm loving how this is turning out so far, and I can't wait to read the next part! 

Thank you so much!  I'm glad you like it.