adventure More criticism for my fanfic?

[yisetab28 89]

So, after receiving quality feedback from my last thread, I'm posting a new one for you guys to tell me how the second chapter is going. The fanfic is called "Symphony of Steel", and set in the first Equestrian war opposing Lunar and Solar forces and their allies. It follows a tank crew in the battle of Canterlot and the Saddle Arabian campaign. The first chapter happens in Canterlot in the present, and the second happens two years earlier in Saddle Arabia when the final crew just met. The whole fic will be alternating chapters between the crew's past and present, to give a better backstory telling with less useless exposition.  Both chapters attached below, to fix the "notepad" format thingy just click format and choose word wrap.

 

So, how is my fic going? Is it less "chunky" and more fluid? Is it detailed? Are the characters well designed? Does it need additional changes? Let me know!

SoS Chapt I.txt

SoS Chapt II.txt

Edited June 9, 2015 by MCAsomm