critique wanted My First Fanfiction! :D (Critique It!)

[Princess of Bananas 56]

I don't know if it's published yet, but here's the link to my first incomplete fanfiction!

 

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/316529/just-another-sunny-day

[Taialin 217]

@@Princess of Bananas

Lessee here . . . You wanted critique, so I'll do my best to give you what you want.  Just as a disclaimer, however, I know very little about Dr. Who Back to the Future, but I don't think that'll be a huge barrier in this case. Plus, I'll be turning up my cynicism dial a good few notches for this review because that's kind of the definition of "critique." I apologize in advance.

 

I can't say the title of the story nor its description were particularly engaging. Understand that the title and description (and cover art, though that's a different story) are the first things that people are going to see when they run into your story, so you'd better make sure that they're stellar. Just Another Sunny Day . . . I think you can answer for yourself whether that title is particularly engaging. The description, while not bad, has several grammatical errors in it. Not major, mind, but they're red flags all the same. If grammatical errors slipped into your description, people won't have high hopes for the story proper.

 

And the second person point-of-view. This isn't a negative at all, but be aware that writing in second person means before you even start your story, you have a few disadvantages. It's the least used point of view, so it always has a bit of "weird" factor that you don't necessarily want distracting from your story proper. Plus, it's harder to maintain suspension of disbelief when writing in this mode. Generally speaking, third person limited/omniscient is the easiest POV to write in, followed by first person, followed distantly by second person. Just a heads-up.

 

Onto the story itself . . .

 

I have to admit that I'm a sucker for similes and metaphors. They're just such good tools to enhance description, and I do like your use of them in this story. In fact, your descriptive skills in general are quite good, and definitely a lot better than I normally find from other "first time fic writers." If there's anything I would say is the strongest part of your story, it's this part.

 

Yet despite this, I can't help but think that I want a little more, particularly with respect to these lines and similar ones:

• “I know,” you say with a smile as you reach your hand out again offering to help her up.
• “Welcome to Earth! My race’s humble abode!” you say with both your arms spread wide as if you were describing how big something was.
• “I don’t know how Doc Brown made his stupid time machine into a teleporter?!” She says raising her tone a bit in confusion, but not too much.

I feel like I was dropped into a manhole leading to a different dimension without a ladder or a visitor's guide. Naturally, because the story is on Fimfiction, you can assume certain aspects of prior knowledge that the reader has. But not everything, and not with regards to the story itself. Yes, the reader has prior knowledge of My Little Pony and Dr. Who (possibly), but you haven't clarified how your narrator has prior knowledge of these two subjects. And yes, you must clarify them, if only to give your narrator some character and backstory. Through these lines of dialogue, I went straight from knowing very little about the narrator to apparently accepting that they are both familiar with MLP and Dr. Who Back to the Future, know who Sunset Shimmer is, and apparently is totally okay with multiple fictional elements from multiple universes showing up at their doorstep one day. This last part is the clincher.

 

That also leads me to discussing the characterization you've lended your narrator and Sunset Shimmer. Or lack thereof. There's really not that much to say about either of these characters. I know very little about the narrator, besides the fact that they live on Earth and apparently knows Spanish. The latter element could potentially be interesting, but the small elements of that you integrate into this introduction aren't enough for me to care very much. In fact, notice that I keep on referring to the narrator as "they." I don't know their name nor even their gender yet, and I think that's a problem. If you can't be bothered to give your narrator a defined character, readers won't be bothered to care much.

 

Sunset Shimmer, whilst having a defined character through the Equestria Girls series, still is lacking of it. Why is she scared of our narrator when she first sees them? Why does she talk so colloquially with Doc Brown and the Delorean as if she were born in that universe? Why is she immediately so accepting of a complete stranger's invitation to come into their house? Right after she apparently just discovered that she lost herself in a different universe? Character, character, character!

 

The grammar, finally, is better than I normally see, but it's still not perfect. Perhaps the most jarring thing I see at the moment is your inconsistent paragraphing. You need a blank line in between paragraphs, not just a single line break. It is also unfortunately consistent with the grammatical errors in the description. People may not give this story the benefit of the doubt.

 

Whew. Turn down the dial again and step away from the computer. Put on a different hat and stop scowling so much. That's better!

 

There is definitely promise in this story, particularly in the descriptions and whether you can port those descriptions to other elements that need more work (characterization). It is not my cup of tea, but you seem to have found a fan for this story, and I'm sure you have a few more. The very fact that you're asking for criticism means that you're willing to improve, and that's something that many more popular authors are not willing to do. And I could, unfortunately, point to a few examples. The glimmer in the dirt is there. Hopefully, with a few tips and a lot of effort, you'll be able to unearth that gem and really make it shine.

 

Good luck!

 

~Tai

Edited February 19, 2016 by Taialin

[Princess of Bananas 56]

Thank you so much for the feedback! And this is not a Dr. Who crossover, it's a Back To The Future crossover. All I know from Dr. Who is the TARDIS. I'll take your advice and use it to my advantage, since you're the only person who gave me decent knowledge to work with.

[Taialin 217]

@@Princess of Bananas

. . . And that's how little I know of Dr. Who and Back to the Future. Anyhow, the ability to take criticism is also a laudable trait to have. You have no idea how many people ask for "criticism" only to take anything that isn't sheer praise extremely poorly. :okiedokielokie: And keep in mind that I may very well be wrong in some of my points as well. If you have a legitimate counterargument, feel free to PM me, and we can discuss it.

 

And if you'll excuse me, I'll be finding a place to hide as I run from the two fandoms I've undoubtedly incensed terribly at this point.