writing A Poem of Current Feelings

[super*specialSTAR 19]

I'm going to try to express my current feelings right now and I'll try to apply Lamii's advice. It was great and he's right. His poems are good as well so if you want a better read, go read those. This is a fail-attempt but I want to post this because no one else would give me advice, except asking me to cheer up.

 

Your hope has been lost before,

The horizons of your possiblities darken,

Or so i hear you say, all the way,

All the time.

 

I never knew what it was like for you,

Don't try to hide it when you're blue.

You were bleak and emotionless

But they knew.

 

They all knew.

 

I thought a moment of insane courage

Would do the thing and end it for you.

But you say it's karma to rue.

You think you've dug an early grave.

 

Everything I did was all for you;

The plan, the heart-break,

Everything.

Why do you want it if it hurts?

 

Why do I put up with your rage?

Why did I put up with forced love?

Your lover got to me.

Surely, he wants to manipulate me!

 

You say you care for him,

But he's your aggressor,

And your loved dear.

Say, I'll never forgive him!

 

You still want me to date your love after all this!

 

None can understand this pain.

The despair of knowing

You can't help a friend.

That's what you put me through.

 

You preach that friends don't equal allies;

That they're only play-mates and alibis.

No matter how much I want to save you,

I can't.

 

Do I have to jump off the building with you?

 

What are my chances?

Do i have to dig my grave too?

At the end, there is a void

Let's make the best of it.

 

Hold my hand, we'll jump!

From the steeple to the concrete!

No, no, no!

That's not right!

 

We're buried alive in this crap.

 

Thanks to me,

Thanks to you,

We're suffocating,

Between a rock and a hard place.

 

Let's dig through the earth,

Risin' like a Phoenix!

Hold me tight,

I'll save you!

 

Never. It's too late now.

 

Depsite you blessing the morn,

You cry, and cry, your heart all torn,

I can't help but join, for we are-

In this altogether

 

 

 

I feel so ashamed that this is the only way for me to express my feelings. Everything else is too hard for me to manage. Every

[Inkfeather 597]

Why do you feel ashamed that this is your only way to express your feelings?

Poetry is meant for this kind of thing. It's meant to be a way to truly express all your emotions.

 

On that point I can tell you that I can't express myself at all if not through my poetry. Some of the people I have shown my poems was shocked. They saw who I was through what I wrote. On the outside I seem like a cheerfull guy without a worry in the world. Only through poetry am I able to show them my true self. That's nothing to be ashamed about.

I think it's beautiful that you want to express your person through poetry.

 

 

This was a great read and a huge improvement to earlier. You seem to understand the importance of the structure, so now I ask you this: Consider the words that you use. Make every word have a meaning, let them be there for a reason. At some points I see places where 2 or 3 words simply doesn't fit in.

 

Do not try to write a poem as you would ever speak. Write them so that every emotion is let out through every single word.

Edited December 31, 2011 by Lamii

[PaperBagWizard 7]

don't feel ashamed. everyone expresses themselves differently. Also this is very good