Need advice on fanfic I am writing

[DukeofCanterlot 158]

Story has been written.. http://mlpforums.com/topic/78451-brainy-envy/

Let me know what you think!

 

 

So far, I just have an idea but am not fully sure where I want to take it just yet...
 

Idea: The Mane Six take an intelligence test (for whatever reason.. maybe Princess Celestia requests them to take it), they all do well but two do extraordinarily well.. not surprisingly, one of them is Twilight Sparkle and the other is Pinkie Pie...

 

There are certain things I want to do with this short story (won't be long, probably the equivalent of a 22 minute episode)...

 

 1.) Give some insight into Pinkie Pie's past.. basically showing that Pinkie is brilliant but has grown to consider it a negative to show off that side of her.

2.) Twilight begins to feel a little jealous..but here's a question. What do you think would make this aspect more interesting?

a.) If Pinkie does better on the test than Twilight causing Twilight to feel somewhat inadequate? Twilight begins to doubt herself on everything...

b.) If Pinkie scores just as high as Twilight, Twilight is shocked and gets jealous that somebody could be just as smart as her even though Pinkie (presumably) doesn't put much effort into any intellectual pursuit and Twilight ultimately feels guilty for being so jealous.

 

Another note is that this story will most likely be pre-Twilicorn.

 

Another note is that I think it would be stupid if Celestia suddenly decides to take Pinkie on as being her "most faithful student" and I won't go down that avenue, since it is already established that Twilight has other traits besides IQ which make Twilight Celestia's favorite. 

 

I think this idea actually goes well with the show since there are many episodes which show that Pinkie is smarter than how she often acts..it's just she isn't very good at explaining her ideas to others (or doesn't feel the need to do so, assuming that everypony has figured out what she's figured out too)...

 

In some episodes too, Twilight is sometimes condescending to Pinkie Pie (admittedly, understandingly so..like in the mystery episode or the one with the babies.. other times, like the parasprite episode-- not so much), Pinkie could also be more vocal about her resentment and more openly disproving Twilight causing Twilight to feel more insecure.

 

Thoughts? 

 

Twilight and Pinkie are my two favorites of the Mane Six by the way..in the end, both will learn an important lesson of their own.

 

Any ideas on what I could do with this idea to make it real interesting? Also for #2, should Twilight and Pinkie do just as well? Or should Pinkie score higher than Twilight? What happens there will change the plot a little bit...

 

Thanks in advance! 

Edited November 16, 2013 by DukeofCanterlot

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

That's actually a great idea!
 

It has that jealousy lesson feel to it. Because in the canon, Twilight Sparkle is portrayed to be the smartest. Maybe it could even be "Feeling Pinkie Keen" to the next level. It's gonna be very hard to cram such a thing as this into 22 minute episode/short story. 

 

So

 

Mane 6 take test

Twilight and Pinkie Pie are Top 2

Twilight surprised by Pinkie Pie's results

Jealousy is mixed in

Twilight's jealousy starts to boil

It comes to a point where she lashes out at Pinkie, which causes their friendship to end

Twilight's other friendships are threatened

Twilight soon realizes that jealousy can hurt others

Twilight also learns that there's always somepony out there who is just as smart as her

 

And there you have it!

 

It's quite a bit, but I know you can pull it off. I could help you along the way. 

[Mr. Critical 434]

This looks like a job for a critic. The concept of pinkie as a genius on par with twilight is an interesting concept. There is a great opertunity for comedy here, if you know where to go with it. Though I would suggest coming up for a reason other than "Celestia wanted them to". That would need some work. I would like to read it when its finished, because this is an interesting story concept.

[The Ponyville Critic 304]

Well, the whole idea that Pinkie might be on par with Twilight on an intellectual level may be interesting, the lesson has already been learnt in "Green isn't your Color" though, making the whole jealousy concept seem redundant.

Edited November 10, 2013 by ShyFlutters

[Ragland Tiger 3,425]

First, it's your story; don't let yourself be overly influenced by anyone. Go with what you think is right, and think about how to make it plausible.  You can learn a lot just by doing that.

 

Second, don't take anything I say here as gospel; there are many ways to tell a good story.  These are just my thoughts on how I would do it if I were writing it.

 

You have a good internal conflict going on in Twilight, so I would tell the story form her point of view. Let's suppose that, somehow, Pinkie Pie scores better on some sort of achievement test than Twilight.  Twilight, having been a social recluse, is not sure how to handle this information, or the feelings of jealousy and rivalry that arise from it.  I can picture her denying that she has those feelings, even to herself; "After all," she could say, "I'm a smart and capable pony; I'm above that sort of thing."  But, some of her demeanor suggests that something is wrong.  Spike starts to worry and asks her if everything is okay.  Twilight almost snaps at him, but stops herself.

 

After having an over-the-top nightmare about it, she thinks of casting a spell that would "dumb down" Pinkie Pie, but she rejects this.  She loves her friends, and wouldn't deliberately hurt them.  "I wish I never knew...", she says, and then she has the idea of casting a spell on herself to forget about what Pinkie did, and even about the test, and thus avoid having the difficult feelings altogether.  However, when she does this, she gives herself a full-blown (comical) case of amnesia.

 

That's as far as I can go here, but I hope this helps you to think of even more good ways this story could go.

[DukeofCanterlot 158]

Thanks for all the encouragement and tips.. I am really liking this idea. 

Right now, I am thinking the following for the beginning:

1.) The title is "Brainy Envy".

2.) I am trying to think of a good motivation for the Mane Six to take the intelligence test to begin with but perhaps that doesn't matter so much in terms of the plot.... Right now, I have it that the Mayor wants Ponyville and Cloudsdale to take the test to show that the ponies, on average, have gotten more intelligent since she became elected as Mayor. Somewhat cliched political satire, I know... this is the Mayor from "The Last Roundup", comically obnoxious..

Edited November 11, 2013 by DukeofCanterlot

[DukeofCanterlot 158]

http://mlpforums.com/topic/78451-brainy-envy/

 

The fanfic.. all complete.

As I was writing this story, it took a very different direction than what I expected.. hopefully you bronies like it