Introduction for my gf's guild in a game, good enough?

[Solid 1,327]

I wrote an introduction for this brony/pegasister guild my gf started in this game, is it good enough? Or there's something worth improving?

 

http://www.spacetimestudios.com/showthread.php?131627-lt-Equestrian-Unit-gt

[Harmonic Revelations 8,835]

The description has some grammatical errors/weird sounding bits that I have outlined here but otherwise is good:

 

"But it's for deter - for stopping the bullying, not for pleasure. Unlike the haters, we don't seek pleasure in the suffering of others."

 

For this to be proper English it should read:

 

"It's for deterrence - we intend to stop the bullying, not become bullies ourselves. Unlike those doing the bullying, we do not find pleasure in the suffering of others."

 

Also, this paragraph sounds odd so I rewrote it:

 

"We are aware that there is already a brony/pegasister guild called <Sparkling Pwnies> - SP for short, missed a lot of them :'(. They don't seem to be as active as before, so I talked with some of the SP fellows, and they seemed pretty cool with the idea. Despite what some of you may be thinking, this is not a direct bring back of SP, though hopefully some ex-SP could join. The reason for saying "direct bring back" is while this is not a literal bring back, it does revive the "spirit" some how, though I doubt whether this guild will ever be as good as SP. Besides, I recently found out, SP is still breathing!

 

In short, <Equestrian Unit> will be your typical "relax gaming" type guild, somewhere you can simply enjoy the game."

 

I think it would sound better if it read:

 

"While we are well aware that a brony/pegasister guilt already exists (Sparkling Pwnies, or SP for short), they do not seem to be nearly as active as before. I talked with some of the members of the SP guild and they seemed pretty cool with the idea to start up another brony guild. This does not, however, mean that our guild is a revival of the SP. Though it is a distinct possibility that some ex-SP might join our guild, we are not the same guild. While this is not a revival, some of the spirit/ideals the SP had are also present in this guild. Both our guild and the SP are active simultaneously.

 

In short, <Equestrian Unit> will be your typical "relaxed/casual gaming" guild, somewhere you can simply enjoy the game at your own pace."

 

 

 

Well, I wish you luck with your guild. 

Edited January 15, 2014 by Harmonic Revelations

[Solid 1,327]

Very helpful, thanks. Need to work on my grammar 0_0