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About this blog

I guess this blog is for me to express whatever's on my mind. But personally, I think it's hard to explain how you are feeling when you don't even understand yourself.

Entries in this blog

 

I'm Just Tired

My body and heart weren't made for this. If you could read my mind, you would be in tears. I guess I'm just Tired.  Tired of crying. Tired of being laughed at.  Tired of being made fun of. Tired of being shamed. Tired of being alone. Tired of remembering. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being sad. Tired of yelling. Tired of feeling stuck. Tired of needing help. Tired of being ignored. Tired of feeling unloved. Tired of no one caring. Tired of missing things. Tired of being different. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of feeling empty inside. Tired of not being able to just let it go. Tired of pretending to be happy when all I want to do is cry. Tired of wishing I could start all over. Tired of dreaming of a life I would never have. But most of all, I'm Tired of being Tired.

Midnight Solace

Midnight Solace

Hopeless But Hoping

For most of my life, I've been keeping things to myself. I was always afraid of what others would think of me from my previous experiences. I don't want anypony to think of me in a bad way. That's why I've been keeping my secrets to myself. And that's what I think makes me so unlikable. I just don't want anypony to think badly of me.  At the same time, I feel like I'm hoping for something that will never happen. And feeling hopeless and full of despair is just a slower way of being dead. Right now, after I returned to the forums, my mind is stuck in a debate if it is worth living anymore or to just end it all. The confusion scares me. The ponies I have met are here so nice, yet the outside world is horrible... When I don't know which way to turn, slowly I fall. I was actually afraid of having friends again, and I didn't expect ponies to even get to know me that well. I didn't even think they would acknowledge me. I didn't even think I would get noticed. I didn't even think I would be visible to them in the forums. This is because I am extremely paranoid of my last experience with having friends, because they betrayed me. That's why I am so nervous and socially awkward around new ponies. I'm actually scared of making friends, because I don't want to lose another one. The feeling is unbearable of not being good enough for them. I remember my stomach dropped, a huge headache kicked in as so many thoughts rushed through my mind, and my heart was broken for days. It's sad how they claimed to love and care for me, and yet they replaced me so quickly. I was forgotten.  I gave up on almost everything, from school and work to Xbox and drawing, and life itself. I was broken. I was scared of how much pain I would cause others. "Didn't they like me? Was I not nice to them? Did I do anything mean?" So many thoughts rushed through my head for the last 5 years. I had no friends for the longest time. No one to talk to. No one to understand me. No one to be there for me. I am liked by other ponies here, and for some reason, I still don't know why they would care for me. Am I really that likeable? Am I really caring? I don't know. But what I do know, is that I am so grateful for their kindness, and that's something I would never forget. Most of my life I had been In a state of confusion, despair, fear and trauma. Hopeless, but hoping. Sometimes life can be confusing. I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Midnight Solace

Midnight Solace

Shattered Dreams

I feel so empty. Yet full of emotion. Like the smallest thing could push me over the edge. What are you supposed to when there's nothing but pain left inside you? What if everything we were looking for only existed in our dreams? How do you explain something, when you can't even understand yourself? It's almost scary, isn't it? The way that sadness doesn't only settle in your body, but the way it completely takes over every part of you.  The fact that, even when you're happy, that sadness is still there, lurking throughout your body, just waiting to show itself yet again. I don't know to tell you that I'm broken, without feeling needy or selfish. I don't know how to open up, without feeling judged. I don't know how to cry, when my tears feel like acid. I just need you to see that I'm hurting, without me telling you. My words are bleeding out, waiting for you to make me fine although I know that's not your job, and that you're better off without me.

Midnight Solace

Midnight Solace