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Why I'm never going to tell my kid that he's smart (and why that will help him succeed in life)

GONEFOREVER

Entry posted by GONEFOREVER

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Highly verbal kids, and that is generally kids who read a lot, will be told they are smart whether you do it or not. And if you're child's teachers are telling you how smart they are, and they ask you "Dad, my teacher said I'm really smart, do you think I'm really smart?" You'll have to decide what the narrative is.

That said, it's great to reward struggle rather than success and to emphasize that it is through failure that we value succeeding. Everyone I know who shielded their children from failure has struggled later with teaching them how to cope with failure. That isn't scientific of course, just parents swapping horror stories, but it has been highly correlated in my experience. Putting those struggles into the proper light is very important.

A less obvious but also challenging aspect of this though is that you must teach your children that natural skillsets don't determine their worth. You are good at maths but lousy at sports? Makes you no better or worse than someone with the opposite levels of skill. That is much harder as kids are always looking for ways to evaluate themselves relative to their peers. If you endorse that you can find yourself inculcating in them an unhealthy externally generated view of self worth.

Now look at the brain drain in America. All parents across the country are telling their kids that they are smart. If a child thinks that they are really smart, then they won’t put enough hard work in their work. If we look at countries like China, parents there tell their kids that hard work is what matters. Success is not a matter of intelligence, but instead being able to get the job done well. Even the biggest dunce can accomplish great things if they just apply themselves.

So no, I’m not going to tell my kid that they are smart. I will tell them that they applied themselves. Because it’s not just raw intelligence that will help them get through life. It will be persistence, effort, and perseverance.

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Moonlight

Personally, I always believed that telling your child that they're intelligent is actually quite damaging to them. If they assume they are smart, then when they can't understand something/find the answer to something, they'll completely shutdown and be afraid of failure. And I personally agree with what you said, hard work should be rewarded just as much as success, it just seems more productive for the child in their later teachings. 

 

Personally, I've always been told I'm smart and when I can't find the answer to something, or I get a low grade on something, I completely shut-down and feel like a failure. So, it's highly recommend to commend your child on doing a good job, even if they didn't succeed. 

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Mephala

Yeah, all my life my parents have been like "you're smart enough to do x", and it's actually making it way more difficult for me. If I mess up, then I'm no longer "smart". :/ And there are different KINDS of smart. Some people have godly grades, but if they have no social skills, they're never going to get a job because they'll screw over their interview. You need to have a balance.

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碇 シンジン

I've been told that im smart and good. But now im so corrpted and hopeless depressed weirdo. At schools when no obe knows something teachers ask me like i would know it i hate it i hate that i have that freaking label on me.

 

It stresses me out even more i cant step out off it. Please never grow up children like me its horrible. My parents always protected me from all the bad in the world so i discovered it when it hit me on the face they are still hiding me stuff atleast i feel like it . I dont trust them

 

Be good parents my friends it really affects the children Please

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Wind Chaser

Yeah, I grew up being told I was smart in school. Too bad I didn't know that this would end up getting me nowhere in life but crushing my self-esteem and making me feel useless and underappreciated. It's all designed in a way to keep you quiet and give you a false illusion of success so that you appreciate the system rather than question it.

 

I did really good in school but I got screwed by the system. Having the intelligence and knowledge is one thing, but applying it is what makes it useful. Knowing when and how to use it is what makes it different, not merely having it.

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