When people ask me if I'm ready to go back to college, all I ever say is essentially: "It's not that I don't like college; I do. I just don't like leaving home."

 

I've always been that way. A "home boy" - literally speaking.

 

But how true is that anymore...

 

I'm beginning to hate this hellhole. The only reason I loved it so much to begin with is because it's all I ever had, it's the only place I had lived. This backwards, country town, with it's traditionally minded citizens. Masking the dirty little secrets with the cover up of "we're a small hometown community." Fake smiles, impersonal nods, petty small talk... it's becoming meaningless to me.

 

I used to be so much a part of the culture that I loved it. It was who I was. Albeit a slighty nerdy one, I was a diehard country boy. I would tell myself that after college I wanted to find a career that wasn't too far away from home. I wanted to stay close because I was attached to my hometown.

 

But growing older and wiser, and knowing now the truths that I never realized before... Although this town is on-route, in the middle of a main highway between bigger better towns... This really is a dead end town.

 

There's literally nothing here.

 

And for what other good reason did I keep holding on? Friends and family...?

 

Yah, I used to have that.

 

This summer has really sucked for me. Because of reasons out of my control, my family has been growing apart. My friends have moved on to lead their own lives elsewhere. And it never phased me when I was stuck in my hometown mindset, because "at least I'll still have home."

 

So now I look at the big picture and see where I really do stand now. The "old me" was holding back who I could really be, who I could really become. Trying to hold on to things that I have no control of.

 

Fuck it. I'm sick and tired of it. This town is nothing but stuck in the past. The only good it holds for me anymore is memories long gone. The only thing it has it what it used to be.

 

When I was a little boy, I had a great relationship with my parents. We were very close. So going to college my freshman year left me in a pile of emotional pain.

 

Since then I've grown up. Since then I've realized how ridiculous this town is. Since then I've realized how insensitive living a conservative lifestyle can be.

 

Now knowing what I really want, and who I can be, it's obvious that this town will do nothing but hold me back. That's not to say it won't still hurt me to leave. It will. It's bound to. Because it's just how I am. But I don't want to be stuck in a dead end town anymore. There's nothing to look forward to here anymore. This town has a minuscule population of 2500, one set of stoplights, two gas stations, one grocery store, and nothing but corn and beans surrounding it. I used to say that as if it were cool. As if I liked it. As if such a country place were warm and comfortable, emotionally. But the truth is, that it isn't. It's become a leech. Sucking the life out of me.

 

My family is no longer close like it used to be. We're broken. We live apart in different places, leading lives indifferent to each other.

 

I'm a loving, caring, emotional, sensitive person. I need to feel loved, to feel wanted. But I don't feel it anymore. And if I don't receive it from them, it's not worth giving it to them. I can't fix them. My cousins, my aunts and uncles, my family on both my mom and dad's side... have grown apart from me. Have grown apart from each other... Have grown apart from one another...

 

It's not like it used to be. Ever since my grandma died back in 2006, the breaking apart began. Little by little the separation began. And it's held together by mere jump rope, fishing lines, and duct tape.

 

I want to be me. I want to be strong. I want to love, and live a caring life. I want to enjoy being where I am, and being with people who care.

 

My parents, being older, will soon retire from their jobs. Likely as soon as I am done with college in two years.

 

They've helped me all my life. They've done everything they can to show me that they want me to become more than what they were. Have a better life than they had. But rather than feeling like they are doing that while trying to keep a solid, close relationship with me, they've been pushing me away. And I can't bear it. I can't. It's nothing but a wooden rollercoaster. I don't know what to expect from them anymore.

 

My mom is stubborn as a mule. She doesn't understand why this all is happening. But the fact is, her own naievete is to blame. She herself has been pushing me away and doesn't realize it.

 

My dad... he knows. He sees it. But rather than doing anything at all to try to mend things, he does absolutely nothing to help. Nothing. He's distant. He's evasive. He doesn't want to take control because he's too mentally weak to handle it anymore.

 

I'm not saying that I don't feel loved by them anymore; I certainly do. But they don't want me here any longer than I have to be. Even though they'll feel the empty nest when I do find a career, and start living on my own somewhere... They want me to lead my own life as soon as I can.

 

And yet, somehow, mom says she'd really like to see grandkid before she dies.

 

WOW. Really mom? Really? You damn well know I HATE the subject of death. Don't put that shit on me. Don't fucking make me even THINK about that.

 

I am not naive. My parents are in their early 60s. I know they in the last quadrant of their lives. But dear LORD, I am going to ball my eyes out when it happens. I am so weak emotionally. I really am. I may be stronger willed than both of my parents combined, and I may be physically stronger too, but I am emotionally as strong as a toddler. I don't handle negative emotions well.

 

So telling me that I should hurry up MY LIFE and try to find a way to have kids before you... pass...

 

What in God's name are you trying to do to me, mom? I don't want to hear that...

 

You're the last stronghold I have, mom. I've never loved anyone more than you, because you were always there for me... *tears*

 

...

 

But yet, you don't even know me very well anymore. I've changed. A lot. And you see the hints. And you see the contradiction I've become. But you don't know me because I can't let you in. I can't let you in because who I am now isn't who you want me to be. Your conservative, traditional Christian personality is a spitting image of this bigoted society we live in. You wouldn't have voted in favor of gay marriage legalized nationwide if you could have. And if you furthermore knew I was a brony, too, you'd be at a loss for words, because you are incapable of understanding.

 

...

 

I don't know who I will become in the next two or three years. I don't know where I will find a career. I don't know where I'll live. I don't know if I'll find a women to have kids with; [don't know if I'll find a guy, either]...

 

I can't predict the future.

 

So don't lay that shit on me. Don't force me to hurry my life because I lead at my own pace. I take my steps in my directions.

 

---

 

I don't know if I'll be able to make many [close] new friends [irl]. I'll be a junior at my college this fall... and I've made ONE true friend there. One.

 

It's nobody's fault but my own.

 

I didn't try to make friends, because I didn't want any. I was stuck trying to hold onto my old friends, hoping and praying that we wouldn't split apart. But to no avail. They're leading their own lives now as am I.

 

But even if I tried, there's nobody as compatible of friends than who I used to have back in high school.

 

I'm such a paradox, such a contradiction. Introverted to the core, yet in public you'd think I was extraverted. And that's because I was raised to be outgoing. Raised to be friendly, and nice, to everyone. I only do it because I care. Care about people.

 

I'm an INFJ. I'm a country boy. I'm a nerd. I'm a brony. I'm bisexual. I used to be conservative but now I'm a Libertarian. I like cars and manual labor... I like people, animals, and the world, because I'm humanitarian, but I'm 2 years into my computer science major with partial scholarships and a 3.75 GPA.

 

Truth is, I should have picked a humanitarian career to pursue. I would work best in such a field. But coming from hickville, where people see careers as jobs to pay the bills, and nothing more, I was forced to find something that would let me have a greater chance at getting a good income. So it was down to some sort of engineering career, or computer science. I didn't go engineering because at the time I felt I wanted to stay close to home, and if I did that, I'd end up a mere hometown mechanic. No offense to people who love to be mechanics; do what you love. But that's not for me. So I chose computers. I like computers. But I'm not a very logically oriented person, and learning how to code/program doesn't come easy for me. I see others in my field, learning these new languages and coding as if it were second nature. But I struggle. The logic is hard for me. But I have to keep trying. I won't back down. I will do it.

 

And I know. I know. I shouldn't live life thinking about what I could have done or who I could have been. But I'm only 20, soon to be 21, and it's hard not to right now.

 

What makes it worse is that having been raised by older parents who are of the Baby Boomer generation, they raised me like a Gen-X kid rather than Gen-Y. So, despite technically being a Gen-Y, I have very little in common with people my age. I have a stronger moral code. I feel things have a sake of their own. I feel that sometimes the traditional way of doing things is better, but other times I feel the more modern way of doing things is better. I don't always do things the most efficient way. I don't always do things the hard way, either. It just depends.

 

---

 

So where am I in life right now? What do I have right now that I can hold onto and love? What can I always look back to, in current time, to keep me motivated, to keep me moving forward?

 

Unfortunately, the primary answer is: habits. Somehow, I find motivation in routine, in familiarity, in consistent and persistent ways. What I'm doing right now in life isn't necessarily hurting me, so thus it is working, however efficient or non-efficient that may be, however helpful or hurtful of my health and well being it may be... I have it.

 

Merely the fact that I can wake up everyday, follow some sort of routine, and know at the end of the day that somehow it works for me, it keeps me going.

 

Luckily, the secondary answer, which is still kind of a part of the primary, is MLP, MLPForums, and the friends I have here or have made here.

 

Lastly, the ultimate reason is my religion.

 

---

 

But, the point of this blog isn't about asking myself who I am. It's about asking myself who I really want to be.

 

And truthfully, I know I'm lucky to be who I am right now. If not for the amazing serendipity I've had in my life, I wouldn't be as happy or as strong as I am now.

 

So, maybe I'm not ready to answer who I want to be right now. I still have 2 more years of college; 2 more years of whatever is to come, before I start out leading a totally individual (on my own) life. I'm still under my parents roof right now, and despite the problems I may encounter here at home with my town, with my family, and with my parents, I'm still living, breathing, and I'm still talking to you, whomever is reading this, right now. So maybe if I take a step back right now, I'll be able to take two steps forward in due time.

 

As always,

 

Honestly,

 

~ Miles

 

P.S. Sorry for the crude language above. Emotions got the best of me.