"PrymeStriker, you lazy unequivocal fuck! Why didn't you post a review yesterday like you were supposed to?!"

 

Because I tripped over a barrel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'll let that sink in a bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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So, anyway, now that I have the time to pester myself, I've decided to take on a new episode of MLP with great vigor. One following the amazement of "Green Isn't Your Color" can't be too bad by comparison. Hell, for whatever reason, on that little chart that I wrote three years ago, I rated "Over a Barrel" a 10/10! However, as we all know, as my memories fade of these episodes and my critique becomes more stubborn, I have decided not to follow these age-old summaries and instead draw new conclusions to episodes. As such, I don't remember liking "Over a Barrel" that much. Maybe it was good, but 10/10? Must've been the most forgettable 10/10 I've ever issued. So let's see what's so amazeballs about "Over a Barrel," shall we?

 

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, do a barrel roll.

 

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"Over a Barrel" begins with Applejack tucking in and reading a bedtime story to an apple tree. Yep, that's how we're starting this episode. Applejack's stoned out of her fucking apples. I guess rehab didn't do shit for her. Oh well. Apparently, this apple tree, named Bloomberg, is being replanted in a town called Appleloosa. Rarity complains about the tree hogging the "luxurious" private bedroom, and criticizes Applejack's devotion to an inanimate object. Aside from Rarity's devotion to vibrators, just wait until she meets Tom the Rock in season two. Meanwhile, Applejack argues that apple trees need rest. We're down to a 9/10 already.

 

Rarity's face is pretty accurate for my reaction toward this scene. It is also accurate for my reaction to "Simple Ways." #NeverForget

 

Meanwhile, in coach, Rarity and Spike can't get any sleep. No, it's not because they're too busy getting busy. The other four won't shut the fuck up. Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy keep chatting their asses away as the others tumble around trying to find the will to live. Eventually, after Rainbow Dash complains about some unpopped popcorn kernels, Spike burns her whole bag. This episode just went up to a 9.5/10. When they finally decide to turn out the lights......they still keep talking through whipser language. Spike gets fed up and joins Bloomberg, while Rarity makes the third of her scary season one faces!

 

Honey, that shit is not helping your complexion.

 

The next morning, the other ponies wake up. The end.

 

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The ponies wake up to a stampede of buffalo running alongside of them. What they at first think is an interesting force of alternative culture turns into an attack, as the buffalo attempt to dislodge Bloomberg's cabin from the rest of the train so that their tree may not be planted in Appleloosa. Rainbow Dash tries to fight one of the smallest buffalo off, but she fails miserably. That made this episode 20% cooler. 9.7/10. Eventually, they succeed in removing the tree's cabin from the rest of the train, but disappointment turns to panic as the ponies realize Spike is in that room as well. This means the buffalo have kidnapped Spike. To everyone's surprise, the ponies actually give a shit and try to devise ways to get him and the tree back. But not before we are welcomed to

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPLEEELLLOOSAAUHersuyerhsiujdiuudjfjkuiudicksuckerisu9oosiht

 

Applejack tries to explain to her cousin from Appleloosa, Braeburn, what had happened. However, just like the ponies last night, he wouldn't shut the fuck up. Payback's a bitch, bitches. Once Braeburn finally stops for breath, Applejack explains that the tree had been stolen by buffalo. This saddens Braeburn, since the settlers of this town have more than enough history with the buffalo. They want all of the apple trees in their orchard gone, which interferes with the settler's abilities to feed their families. I smell a white settler vs. Indian native plot here. Surprised I don't see many of those myself. Seems like such an easy idea to rip off. Eventually, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie get captured.

 

What did you expect would happen? One of you is bright pink and the other has rainbow hair. How the fuck are you supposed to blend into the desert?

 

The buffalo bring Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash back to their teepees. Oh, it is a white settler vs. Indian native plot.

 

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Fuck.

 

Well, at least they found Spike. And he's having a blast! The buffalo felt awful for stealing Spike, so they started to treat him like a king! If I were him, I wouldn't want to go back to the slave masters! You're a house dragon now! Be proud! Eat turquoise gemstones! Get busy with the young one! Make buffalo dragon hybrids! You've got a future here!!! Speaking of the young one, that's Little Strongheart, the smaller buffalo that gave Rainbow Dash a concussion. Dash gets pissed and tries to leave, but Strongheart apologizes and the theme song plays. "FRIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNDSSSSSSSSSSSSFS." She explains that they didn't want the tree to be planted in the orchard because the settler ponies built it over their traditional stampeding grounds. I mean, me personally, I think sustenance of life is much more important than running around mindlessly, but hey, you could put the orchard somewhere else. You've got plenty of fucking land.

 

They then meet Chief Thunderhooves, who convinces Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie to negotiate with the Appleloosans.

 

When you've got Rainbow Dash on your side...err...you've got Rainbow Dash on your side......................that caption went well.

 

Unfortunately, while Braeburn and Little Strongheart would like to discuss matters civilly, Rainbow Dash and Applejack start bickering and make matters worse. Applejack and Rainbow Dash bickering. Just what I wanna hear. I'll just take those 0.7 points off now. Applejack explains that it's the only flat land around these parts (I'd retract my "you have plenty of land" statement if they'd just get rid of their 'mild west dancing' grounds), as Rainbow Dash retorts that the buffalo had it first. Twilight stops them both from arguing, because they're idiots, and states that they need to figure out a much better way to handle this problem. Pinkie Pie suggests....well.....this:

 

 

 

 

Well, at least it's better than "Art of the Dress." Ooooooooooooooh. The Celestism flashbaaaackckkssss.s.s.s...s.s.s.s.s.ss.s,gls

 

This actually causes anger between the Appleloosans and the buffalo, and the former commissions their stampede regardless of the orchard's presence. The battle is about to begin, and our main heroes are torn between each other. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Little Strongheart, and Spike are trying to convince the buffalo to chill out, while Applejack, Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Braeburn are trying to convince the Appleloosans to calm their tits. Neither side are listening, of course, and the battle remains strongly in play. At high noon the next day, the stand-off is prepared.

 

................Well, this is subtle.

 

The biggest food fight in Equestria subsequently takes place. After many an apple pie are thrown, Chief Thunderhooves is hit square in the face with one. Catching a taste of the deliciousness, he has a much better idea! The buffalo will allow the trees to stay in exchange for apple pies. So the settlers build a runway for the buffalo to stampede and serve them apple pies as they move along their way. Many years later, the buffalo will be subject to slavery and later genocide as their kind becomes one of the most oppressed minorities in America Equestria, but at least for now, all is well.

 

And that is "Over a Barrel."

 

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I don't know why I rated this a 10/10.

 

It's not fun to watch, and it doesn't even attempt to be remotely subtle about the story's parallels between itself and real life Native American vs white settler conflicts. On top of that, the plot is uninteresting, the ending is horribly rushed, and the conflict itself, in all its non-subtlety, is completely ridiculous. The only thing slightly amusing about this episode is the first five minutes in which banter between the main cast is exchanged on the train, but is that really enough to redeem an entire 22 minute episode? I mean, it's not "Boast Busters" stupid or even "Green Isn't Your Color" bland, so how much is this episode really worth? My conclusion is that "Over a Barrel" isn't worth a good damn fuck. I'm going to give this episode a 5/10 overall. If there's one bad episode in season one that's remotely skippable, it's this one. "Over a Barrel" isn't even worth watching to marvel at its sloppiness. All this from the same writer who brought us "Feeling Pinkie Keen." I am disappoint.

 

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Well, then.

 

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That was an experience.

 

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Anyways, I should probably address the lack of Friday review more adequately. Not to worry, my schedule has not been thwarted in any way. I simply had an overload of work yesterday and had absolutely no time to devote to anything else. Hell, I didn't even think I'd have time to do anything today. Regardless of this shake-up, a review on Monday is guaranteed, so don't fret. And remember, the day of reckoning is still upon us, so stick around. There's plenty to over-criticize and bitch about in these here final episodes of MLP season one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or maybe there isn't. I don't know. I can't remember half this shit anyway.