Shit, there goes my "42" theory.

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Well, this is the backstory episode, so I assume I'll be able to expose my incredibly well-thought out findings to the world and make Twilight out for the evil immortal being she is. But first, I should say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" to Tara Strong.

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Congratulations. You've likely lived half of your life at this point, which means you don't have a whole lot of time left to live. Cheers.

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Alright, so, "The Cutie Mark Chronicles." I'd normally be pissed that this is a CMC episode, but eh, fuck it. The CMC are only a tool in this episode. I remember being really proud of this episode back in the day for doing something important with the characters in the long term, but now that I recall the slapdash "moral", I think I may have to reconsider my rating. Regardless, this and "Party of One" are two episodes from these last season one stories that I actually still remember. So this is a good sign compared to fuckin' "Green Isn't Your Color" and others like that. Enough of my rambles. On to the review.

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, turn 43 and ruin my theories.

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Okay, so this episode opens up with-

Wait...a minute...

Th...that annoying blind commentator has....been deleted?!

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Hold on, that means...I have to go to Dailymotion...............

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*sigh*

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So this episode opens up with the devil spawns themselves, the CMC, trying to do ziplining or something for their cutie marks. They get tree sap and pine needles, but no cutie mark. They try more things, but shit doesn't happen and we cut to the title sequence. When we come back, we see that Scootaloo has nearly run over some animals, and when Applejack tries to protect them and gets run over, she starts to monologue about how she got her cutie mark. Okay, okay, it's not that sudden, but they do run Applejack over and then Apple Bloom randomly asks how she got her cutie mark, and instead of slapping the shit out of Apple Bloom for running her over, she actually starts to tell her story mark story. Essentially, she ran away.

Oh, shit, I know how this story goes! Applejack runs away from home, but suddenly there's a tornado, and she has to come home, and she gets hit on the head because the tornado runs over her farm, and she goes into this coma like place, and her dreams she visits this place called Oz, and she thinks her house crushed the Wicked Witch of the East, but then the Good Bitch of the North shows up, and then the Bad Bitch of the West shows up, and she's got ruby slippers, and then she has to follow the yellow prick road, and then she meets the scarecrow, and then she gets attacked by apple trees (that's ironic as fuck), and then she meets the tin man, and the she meets the pussy lion, and they all wanna go see Oz, but Oz is a dick and tells them to commit murder, so they kill the Bad Bitch of the West, bring Oz her broom, but it turns out that Oz is a pussy too, but he can still grant wishes, though they're not very amazing, they're actually kind of disappointing pissy ass shit wishes, and then Applejack wants to go home, and then Good Bitch of the North shows up to be a troll, saying that she could go home this whole time, and then Applejack rapes the bitch, and then she wakes up at home, and she learns that there's no place like home, and then she gets her three apples as a cutie mark!

...Right?

Actually, no. I was wrong about that story. Instead, Applejack went to Manehattan to live with her aunt and uncle to learn how to be a classy pony, because she didn't want to grow up on the farm. But after becoming depressed and seeing some rainbow explosion in the sky, she realized that being a classy pony was too much shit to put up with, so she moved back home and realized that she really did want to live on the farm. And that's how Equestria was made. After Applejack returns to chasing the thieving rabbits, Fluttershy appears. Subsequently, they ask Fluttershy for her story regarding the epic saga of how she realized she wanted to be a stallion but then was forced back into having boobs by Celestia cutie mark story. It all starts back at summer flight camp.

I guess she was still...hehe...under the blanket about herself at this point?

Basically, Fluttershy sucked at sports, so all the faggots at this camp made fun of her. Rainbow Dash, being the oh so caring individual that she is, decided to stick up for Fluttershy and tell those kids to screw off. Those kids, might I mention, are the same "Rainbow Crash" doofuses from "Sonic Rainboom" that were looking at Rarity's upskirt. Fun. As Rainbow Dash challenges the fools to a race, Fluttershy is pushed off the clouds by the overwhelming speeds and lands down in the woodlands of Ponvyille. There, she learns that her true passion was caring for all of the animals there, especially after they were all frightened to death of the explosion of that same random rainbow explosion from the previous story. And that's how Equestria was made. Meanwhile, the foals get roped into helping Rarity eat popsicles design dresses.

Does Equestria have child labor laws?

You see, after hearing about Fluttershy's mention of Rainbow Dash's race, Scootaloo is now incredibly anxious to hear her idol's story. So they start asking around for where to find Rainbow Dash, and Rarity is the first person they go to. After the aforementioned child labor takes place, Rarity starts telling the children her cutie mark story. Apparently, she was supposed to make dresses for her school...talent show? The teacher said they were "nice", but Rarity complained that they needed to be spectacular. Suddenly, her horn started to glow and drag her across Equestria. Kind of like what stallion "horns" do to her now, but much more contrived. She is dragged to a rock, which angers her, but after that same fucking rainbow explosion cracks the rock open, she found jewels inside. Those jewels bedazzled her dress designs for the play, and she became a whore designer! Meanwhile, Scootaloo gets bored and wants to go looking for Rainbow Dash, but Twilight stopped them to tell them her story...for whatever reason.......................................it begins with a Summer Sun Celebration (just like the series! What a coincidence!)

I just noticed that ponies don't normally have eyebrows...

Finally! Now you all can finally learn why Twilight is immortal! Her cutie mark story has some kind of correlation that corresponds to the continuity of the conundrum that is the plot contrivance! Remember how I said that she's promised someone to secrecy, and that I know who that person is? No? Well too bad, bitch! You're about to see who that person is! Celestia flashed a beam of light to celebrate the sun or some shit, and Twilight got horny and started reading books on magic. Then her parents put her into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. She enrolls for the entrance exam and fails to crack open a dragon egg. However, after becoming intensely frustrated, and that same explosion of rainbow pass over, she strains herself to open the egg, and out explodes Spike. Here's the key moment, my friends! After Spike is born, Twilight starts to explode with magic and goes HAM!

Purple ponies be like.

Filled with raw power, Celestia comes in to "tell her" that everything will be alright, and that she was impressed with Twilight's raw talent. She is subsequently enrolled into Celestia's school as her own personal apprentice and gets her cutie mark. Do you see the conspiracy, fellow readers? This raw magical ability, through Spike's miracle of birth, and the rainbow explosion, has somehow rewired Twilight's ability to die! And the person she has sworn to secrecy was Celestia! The princess had to put on a show to explain the "raw talent" to bystanders, but she clearly explained Twilight's real gift later on! And THAT'S how Equestria was made! Now you might be wondering - "Well, what about Pinkie Pie? Didn't you say that she had something to do with this?" Yes! She does, and I will explain it later! For now, we will just hear about Pinkie Pie's cutie mark story. It all begins on a rock farm, where Pinkie Pie is born to an Amish family, quite unhappy. Then she sees that damned rainbow explosion and goes insane.

It's the equivalent to doing acid for the first time.

Pinkie Pie, after seeing the light, discovers that her true destiny as given by the Gods themselves was to make people happy. So after she starts her own religion, she tests out her 'smile' theories on her family. Throwing them a party, they all become quite pleased and enjoy themselves. Pinkie Pie subsequently gets her cutie mark in being a party planner. Her 'smile' theories a success, she will soon start to expand her religion all across Ponyville. And that's how Equestria was made Pinkie Pie got her cutie mark. Finally, the CMC arrive at Sugarcube Corner, where Rainbow Dash is there to explain her cutie mark story to an eager Scootaloo. Continuing after Fluttershy's half of the story, Rainbow Dash raced the two douchebags at flight camp. And after an intense race, Rainbow Dash says the only thing she liked more than flying fast was winning. So her determination to win and beat these two chumps caused her to do this:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI was a preacher nine entries ago......

And that's where all the puzzle pieces fit together, my good friends. The sonic rainboom is the very thing that not only got Rainbow Dash her cutie mark, but also inspired Applejack to go back home, Fluttershy to become an animal caretaker, Rarity to discover the jewels in the cock rock, Twilight to become admitted to Celestia's school and become immortal, and Pinkie Pie to make people smile. In this act alone, Rainbow Dash bonds all her friends together as well as writes the season five finale. I think that's actually pretty awesome.

And so concludes "The Cutie Mark Chronicles."

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Actually, nevermind what I said about "rethinking" my rating. This episode is incredible.

A little clumsy here and there, especially with the moral delivery, though it seems the writers even make fun of themselves through Scootaloo's reaction to it all, but overall this is a great episode. It gives these characters that we've been following for the past twenty-three episodes a shit-ton of backstory singlehandedly. Most shows can only effectively accomplish this in multiple parts, or spread out across a season, but MLP managed to kick it right in the ass within 22 minutes. That's outstanding. And it's fun to watch, even now despite the CMC's involvement. Their use as tools was appropriate, and it seems like the past ten episodes or so were all meant to tie together in this one episode. The CMC meeting, the "Sonic Rainboom" episode, the CMC's subsequent trials. It all fits together. Shame season one's "arc" revolves around the Grand Galloping Gala, because this one would have worked a lot better as the season one finale. Oh well, this episode still deserves it's 10/10 rating from me.

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What a fun episode, and such a revealing one as well. Not just for the other characters, but Twilight in particular. Now, fellow readers, you can see for yourselves how Twilight's immortality is such an integral part to my narrative the story! We see how Spike, Rainbow Dash, and Celestia all had their hand in this conundrum! But what about Pinkie Pie, you say? Well, to be perfectly honest, my friends, even I don't know that one. I thought I was going somewhere with the 42 conclusion and how that might relate to the First Church of Cupcakes and their integration with Celestism, but then Tara Strong had to go and turn 43 today. Bitch.

The only thing I could possibly deduce is that, once Celestia learned that Pinkie Pie was starting a new religion to counter her own, she got the "Luna effect" and tried to find ways to combat her. Perhaps in retaliation, Pinkie Pie tried to dig up dirt on Celestia's religion and learned of this Twilight Sparkle, who might have been defying both of their teachings...

...yes...it makes sense now...

To protect their religions and their followers, perhaps Celestia and Pinkie Pie both agreed to keep Twilight's immortality a secret, and forced it upon her. After all, religions talk about an afterlife and all, and having an immortal being right in front of them could have fucked around with their credibility. It is a conspiracy in full! Amazing. We must spread the word of this discovery and make everyone know of the crimes that these characters are bringing to their world, and how it is fucking with my ideas of a decent Equestria! The day of reckoning is here! RISE UP!

Or don't. I don't care. I can't remember half this shit anyway.