Most of you know by now I suffer from severe depression, as well as self hatred and crippling anxiety. All of these are things I have mentioned many times already. Yet, I keep bringing them up. Probably because they are such a common thing now that I feel a need to get them off my chest at least a little. I am taking medication currently, which I think it sometimes helps, but other times it definitely doesn't. Some before have recommended therapy. I have actually tried that before, though not much. Didn't exactly like it much. I never felt any real connection with my therapist, it just felt like I was there to be 'cured' so I could be moved along for the next patient. I dunno, it is weird but I just want to have a real connection with someone like that I guess. Nowadays, therapy is not a viable option due to my transportation issues. I can't drive and while I might have someone that could drive me, I really don't want to get in their way.

So I am trying to stay happy in my own ways, even though lately these things just haven't been working. Other than talking with my boyfriend, nothing has been making me feel much in the way of joy, at least, consistently. I will have moments where my mood will be bright, but it just doesn't last long enough for me to think it is right. Not even close. Talking with my boyfriend is one of the only things I can do to feel joy for a good while. He is just wonderful. Being able to put up with my many flaws and...I honestly can't even come up with the words right now to describe how amazing he is. I am insanely lucky. It just seems that a lot of time, durring the night after he has gone to sleep, I get saddened, sometimes by nothing at all. That is the depression I think and the anxiety is additional fuel. My mind will just wander in a void, eventually thoughts will enter the fray and it will add up before making me collapse emotionally.

What sucks is that, it can be anything that can make this tower crumble. Even just getting frustrated at a video game nowadays is enough to do it, and with my horrid self esteem, even video games can make me feel horrid. So my simple joys haven't done much. Video games and the like, it is tough enjoying them these days. When these types of nights happen, it all crumbles down and I usually end up crying, emotions just pouring out, also into a void. A void where nothing is accomplished fully. I may get my emotions out but it returns eventually. With tonight, it has been the bleak future and thinking of my dog that has me in a rather dark state. It has been over a month since Dover died, been doing well blocking that out of my mind but with the crumbling tower that is my emotions, it comes back to me, making everything worse. I am very easily teared up and with something like this, it all flows like a waterfall.

I am not sure where I am going with this blog really. I am trying to just get my thoughts out there and regain some composure. It is early in the morning now, my sleeping pattern is a bit screwy. Don't know what I will try to do, either stay up and try to get my sleeping into a different pattern or just sleep, if I can. Mostly been listening to music the past hour, just one song that has been a fuel for the emotions as well, but at the same time allowing it all to ease its way from me. I might play some Tomodachi Life or something peaceful like that for a bit. Anything to put my mind in a more calm state.

I realize I say these things, I see my own repetition, but hopefully you all understand why I do it.