Welcome back to...

 

Three Reviews. One Day.

 

Where I attempt to catch up from my two weeks of absence. In the previous installment we covered "Castle Mane-ia." This week, we tackle, rape, and murder "Daring Don't". Voyage onward, trusty steed!

 

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So this episode opens up with Rainbow Dash geeking out about Daring Do's new book coming out in four months. Aha, more continuity. We should call this the Continuity Season. You know a series is broken when you have to say that. However, after the title sequence makes me bleed apple juice from your dick, we learn that the date of publication for the book had been pushed back due to AK Yearling's inability to finish the book in time. As if I needed more of a reminder that I couldn't follow through with getting these reviews out on time. Thanks, MLP. So Rainbow Dash decides it's a good idea to go find this AK Yearling bitch and put her ass in gear. However, once the gang track down AK Yearling's residence, they find her house trashed to holy fuck.

 

I especially like the piss stains near the cabinet and toward the left. Nice touch.

 

Upon investigation, AK Yearling herself happens to come in from wherever she was to think that our main characters made this mess. Then quickly dismisses it to make sure that some...glowing golden ring is safe? Err......ookay? Then, it's revealed that her house was rampaged by three mob henchmen, who proceed to corner the humble fiction writer. Errrrrr..........ooookaaay? Finally, in a quick flash, AK Yearling strips off all of her clothes! Oh God, this is like a horrible fan fiction come to life. But it doesn't stop there, because the camera pans up to reveal that AK Yearling is nake-

 

...

 

W...w-..........................................

 

 

 

t..To reveal that AK Yearling is........................Daring Do?

 

.......................................................................

 

...............................KfkKFkJFkJEJmk<ldAoldkjgmflc,vlc,v.,rloiroi3w0i95ifokkwrfwasfunigsgers8390409seeeeeeeeeeeees

 

WHAT?!

 

DARING DO IS A FUCKING CANON CHARACTER? And she writes all of her OWN BOOKS as AUTOBIOGRAPHIES?

 

...

 

So EVERYTHING in those books actually HAPPENED in a REMOTE part of Equestria?

 

K...kfF.f....fkf.ffkfe...>F>>F>UCFUCKKKKKKKKK.

 

NO. FUCK YOU. WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCKERTON FUCKSALOT IS THIS SHIT. WHO THE FUCK SMOKED GAK AND THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD EPISODE PLOTLINE?

 

First of all, this completely obliterates the concept of "Read It and Weep". Daring Do was a fictional character in-universe that Rainbow Dash could relate to, and making her a real person turns Daring Do into another Wonderbolt. Just another character for Rainbow Dash to idolize. Secondly, it's completely contrived that the main characters all instantly and willingly accept that Daring Do is a real person and not a character like has been implied, and I'm pretty sure spoken, before. Thirdly, all these Daring Do saves the world stories actually happened without ANYONE in the WHOLE UNIVERSE knowing?

 

I CALL BULLSHIT.

 

And then of course, since all of this is oh so real, instead of helping "Daring Do", the other six just sit around and watch as if they've never saved Equestria before. Fucking bullshit, this whole episode. I hate it already. But fuck me, I have to keep watching. "Daring Do" says she doesn't need help and flies off on her own to find the doctor guy who stole the golden ring from the thingy. I know what you're thinking. "Well, PrymeStriker, she said she doesn't need help, so that's why they just sat and watched." Bullshit. She said that after the ring was stolen and after the other six did nothing. Before that, the Elements of Harmony could've kicked serious ass there, but they fucking don't. Anyways, Rainbow Dash storms off to help "Daring Do", but she tells her to fuck off again.

 

I'm too upset to make a witty caption.

 

I also like how "Daring Do" is less of an Indiana Jones character in this "genius" episode and more like Batman. Because that's what we're parodying here. Fucking retard writers. So "Daring Do" attempts to bribe the doctor fuckers for the ring, but that blue guy with the big nose shows up and challenges "Daring Do" with his infamous army of jungle cats. All the while, Rainbow Dash is fangirling her ass off to the point where she becomes a distraction during battle, leading to "Daring Do" getting captured and once again telling her to fuck off. This time, she does, and Rainbow Dash goes back to the others to sulk. However, the others tell her to grow a pair and they all go to save "Daring Do" from the deadly fortress that NO ONE IN EQUESTRIA EVER KNEW ABOUT IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING EVER. Meanwhile, "Daring Do" is about to drown while being eaten by piranhas. But guess who comes to the rescue? That's right, Captain Hindsight!

 

If this episode wanted to go all the way with the poorly-written fan-fiction approach, these two would start licking each others wing folds.

 

While that happens, and "Daring Do" thanks Rainbow Dash in so many words for not being a cuck, the other five fuck up the big blue guy's plans in a ring-toss game which brings back more Equestria Girls PTSD with it's toss-the-crown game. As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate this episode. While that happens, Rainbow Dash and "Daring Do" remove the rings from around the dick statue, which is supposed to make the fortress collapse. But since they're really heavy, "Daring Do" realizes she needs help after all. How fucking charming. Notice the way I describe the events in this episode as some really bizarre acid trip? That's because this episode's plotline and pacing is messy enough outside of the canonization of Daring Do. In the end, Rainbow Dash writes in that Friendship Journal (which had not been properly introduced at all yet, it just exists all of a sudden) about how she "just had the coolest adventure" with Daring Do and that she's glad she was able to teach her that she needed a little help from her friends. Her writings are interrupted by Rainbow Dash receiving an advance copy of the book "a week before anyone else".

 

.....What?

 

The release date was pushed back two months, and there was already three months of waiting time on that anyway, and Rainbow Dash just said that she JUST had the coolest adventure with Daring Do. How in the FUCK is an advance copy of the next book ready for Rainbow Dash the next day, and how in the FUCK has the release date been reduced NOT ONLY from the two months of backlog that was added to the wait time, but also the other three months that was scheduled ANYWAY. This episode can't even follow its OWN rules.

 

OOOOOOOOOOH, FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU.

 

And so concludes "Daring Don't".

 

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Yep, that title's pretty accurate. To channel my inner mommy blogger, this episode is a "daring don't."

 

We were doing so good this season, and this episode had to come along and ruin everything. "Daring Don't" is fucking awful. Aside from the wonky pacing and batshit cluttered storytelling, this episode is horridly contrived and completely disrespectful of a perfectly good episode: "Read It and Weep". As I've already explained above: Daring Do was a special character because it was someone fictional that Rainbow Dash could relate to instead of admire like the Wonderbolts. We're expected to believe that all the epic shit that happens in Daring Do's books that were mentioned since season two actually happened in real life and that none of it was made aware by anyone in the world. As everyone's reactions have it, they were shocked to learn that AK Yearling was Daring Do herself. But to top it all off, this shock is momentary, because 2 seconds later everyone starts pissing themselves in glee as if the biggest conspiracy in literature wasn't just unraveled before their fucking eyes. The ONLY good thing about this episode was Rainbow Dash's character development, or what little she received. She was able to teach someone else that they needed help from other people, but this concept is so dry and repetitive, especially in this series (we'll see more of this shit in season five) that even this pro is eclipsed by all the cons. I'm giving "Daring Don't" the glorified 2/10 rating. This episode can go sodomize a rattlesnake.

 

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Okay, well that was fucking awful. Two down, one to go. The next episode is "Flight to the Finish", which would've been today's review anyway. Will it be as shitty as this train-wreck, or will it rise from the ashes of its predecessor's meltdown? Tune back in a few hours for the continuation of...

 

Three Days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Review.