I'll go back and re-watch the series, I said.

 

It'll be fun, I said.

 

The show's not that bad, I said.

 

Why must everything come back to BITE ME IN THE ASS?!

 

"Power Ponies". I forgot all about "Power Ponies"! And I liked it that way! But of course it's the next thing I have to fucking review after I trench through three episodes in a row. OF COURSE.

 

Giddy up, we're in for the ride of a fucking millennia. This is "Power Ponies".

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-
Dear God....so this episode opens up with immediate cancer. Spike spits out a bunch of exposition about the main villain of the episode and drops not-so-subtle hints regarding a useless sidekick in the story. This, all happening in the middle of the night when Twilight explains that they need to spruce up the Castle of the Two Sisters in the morning. Err....why? The castle's been abandoned for around a thousand years, and they now have a better castle in Canterlot. The fuck is the point of trying to rebuild the castle in the middle of the forest that's surrounded by moss? After the title sequence pours hemorrhoid cream through my ears, we see Spike trying to find his place in helping out the others fix the castle, in which everyone says they can handle it. Then what the fuck was the point of BRINGING HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?! For fucks sake, the WHOLE PROLOGUE involved Twilight telling Spike to GO TO BED so he can HELP THEM in the morning. NOW they tell him to fuck off?

 

THREE MINUTES IN: INSTANT BULLSHIT

 

"So, you had me get up early for nothing? How would you like a nice knife in your throat, Twilight?"

 

If that wasn't enough bullshit for you, here comes some more convoluted storytelling. At the end of his comic, Spike spots a spell in small text that allows the comic book to open a portal that sucks him into the story, and subsequently all the other characters with him. How? No clue! Is it ever explained? Nope! It's just more "magic"! I understand this world has a really broad sense of rules when it comes to magic, but this is very convenient and uncreative. Like it came straight out of a fan fiction. Same thing for "Daring Don't", come to think of it. Even "Simple Ways"! This isn't the continuity season. This is the fanservice season. Greeeaaattt. 'Cause you know how much I love fanservice! So once everyone ends up inside the comic book, Spike reveals that each of the mane six have conveniently become the Power Ponies! Each with their own individual and completely shitty, tiresome, and forgettable superhero names! What a goddamned perfect little....what's that word?

 

Oh yeah.

 

GIMMICK. THIS EPISODE IS A POORLY-WRITTEN GIMMICK.

 

I can't even embrace the cringe. It's too much!

 

I can just imagine the board meeting. "Hmm? The Avengers are popular? Let's put that in the pony show we have going so that we can show girls can do it too or some shit. This is gonna make us a ton of money! Oh yeah, and while we're at it, Beast Hunters is the next big thing for Hasbro, I want the press to know this." I don't even remember if this got off the ground as far as merchandising is concerned, but this episode by premise alone feels like it's one of those "to sell toys" moments. Like, this was supposed to be the next big thing for the My Little Pony franchise. I remember there being a shit-ton of a commercials for this episode too. This episode was overhyped to fuck-all, and we haven't even begun to count the juicy reasons this whole thing crumbles. So, weak premise and a strong sense of gimmicky goodness, what's wrong with the story? Well, after the Power Ponies discover that Mane-iac has robbed a bank, they need to use their superpowers. So what's everyone's superpower?

 

*ahem*

 

1) Pinkie Pie has super speed
2) Applejack has incredible lasso skills
3) Twilight can shoot power beams
4) Rainbow Dash can harness the mighty forces of nature
5) Fluttershy is the Hulk
6) Rarity can make anything she thinks of appear

 

So, what's the problem?

 

Most of these powers are powers THEY ALREADY HAD IN THE REAL WORLD.

 

1) APPLEJACK HAS INCREDIBLE LASSO SKILLS, SEE "APPLEBUCK SEASON" WHEN SHE HERDS AN ENTIRE GROUP OF STAMPEEDING CATTLE WITH JUST HER LASSO AND WINONA

 

2) TWILIGHT IS A FUCKING ALICORN, SHE CAN DO EVEN MORE INCREDIBLE SHIT WITH HER HORN THAN SHOOT BEAMS

 

3) RAINBOW DASH CAN CREATE TORNADOS AND HARNESS THE POWER OF THUNDER, RAIN, AND LIGHTNING, SEE "SWARM OF THE CENTURY" AND "LUNA ECLIPSED"

 

4) PINKIE PIE DEFIES PHYSICS CONSTANTLY, INCLUDING SPEED, SEE "GRIFFON THE BRUSH OFF" WHERE NOT EVEN RAINBOW DASH CAN OUTRUN HER

 

Well, then they should be really good at these powers, right?

 

NO.

 

They all SUCK at their powers. Why?

 

BECAUSE THE WRITERS OF THIS EPISODE ARE COMPLETE FUCKING MORONS.

 

The bullshit. It never ends. Someone call Penn & Teller.

 

*sigh*. So, as we continue onward with the plot, we see more and more of our main characters not being able to do shit with the superpowers they already had before being transported into the comic book, with no in-universe explanation for their sudden inability to do the amazing things they've done to save Equestria. Except for Rarity, of course, who's great at the superpower she's never had before. How inconsistent, you might say, but the writers manage to balance that one out by making her completely stupid in this episode. Instead of thinking of things that are useful, such as a bazooka, all she can consider forging with her powers are teapots and carpets. She's about as clueless to the urgency of the situation as Pinkie Pie. Hell, Pinkie Pie's more in-tune to what's going on than her. Because that's in character for her. Except for when it's not. Did I mention I hate this episode before? Well, allow me to make a shocking statement. I hate this episode, and if not for any of those completely valid and irrifutable reasons, then for the shear fact that they give Spike an inferiority complex that we've already seen him deal with in "Owl's Well That Ends Well". In fact, Spike has done plenty of useful things, from saving Applejack's life to return to salvation to an entire empire. Why in the flying fuck would he be doubting his worth? As a matter of fact, about 18 episodes from now, Spike will be tooting his own horn about how great he is for saving the Crystal Empire. But here, the writers make the other six complete retards who can't do a fucking thing for their goddamn selves just so that we can see Spike overcome this oh-so gripping "turmoil". Munch my dick.

 

Perhaps I should talk less about why this episode sucks ass and more about what's happening in the episode that sucks ass?

 

Right, so, how's the plot going? Like I said, everybody's an invalid except for Spike...sort of, and that proves true when trying to battle Mane-iac. They all suck so much that Mane-iac uses her paralyzing hairspray on all of the Power Ponies and captures them in her lair. Conveniently, it's up to Spike to stop moping about his newfound "uselessness" and prove himself to an audience that already knows he's useful. There's a parallel I'm going to make at the end of this review with another show that does a similar episode, but better. In the meantime, Mane-iac performs an excessive monologue to the captured Power Ponies that the episode half-mocks, but still partakes in, making it tiresome. All the while, the mane six explain to the idiot villain that Spike always comes through when they need him, in which Spike has an instant change of outlook on his worth. Because he realizes, "oh yeah, there's four seasons of story behind me", and from this point onward he comes up with a plan to foil Mane-iac's.....plans. So he ties some conveniently-placed fabric around some hooks, which with the pull of a chain allows him to miraculously capture all of Mane-iac's henchmen, allowing the paralyzing hairspray to soon wear off after its scheduled respraying is delayed by the unfortunate turn of events. This gives the Power Ponies the perfect opportunity to return to action and create more gimmicky fanservice:

 

"Ah, yes, and the shy character? We'll make her the Hulk. That'll get the fans to buy our dumb shit. Hasbro reigns supreme!"

 

Hence, they defeat Mane-iac by being suddenly good at the powers that most of them already had in the real world. Because stupid writers. And, of course, Flutterhulk destroys the hairdryer weapon, meaning they can all return to Equestria. How? No clue! Is it ever explained? Nope! They were all somehow able to trap themselves in a comic book, and the only way they could get out was by defeating Mane-iac. Because magic. And stupid writers. And gimmicks. And fanservice. And bullshit. And when they all get back home, instead of considering "what the fuck just happened?" and maybe deciding to burn that devil comic book, they all giddy in glee about all the "awesome" things they did in there. Of course, they "commend" Spike for being useful, as you would expect, and only now do they rush out an explanation that the comic book was enchanted. Well, no shit, it could've used some fucking detail, though. After all is said and done, the comic book disappears from existence, leaving for an absolutely useless experience!

 

Good fucking riddance

 

And so concludes "Power Ponies". Finally.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

This episode sucks the dick of a thousand moose.

 

Reasons it's vomit-inducing cringeworthy trash:

 

1) Sloppy prologue, having Spike show up for a job early in the morning that he wasn't needed for anyway

 

2) Gimmicky premise by having all of the mane six be "superheroes" right off the heels of the popularity of The Avengers (as far as when this episode was likely produced)

 

3) As far as Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash are concerned, the superpowers that they are given are identical to the powers that they have in Equestria, and for the Princess of Friendship, a huge downgrade, leaving this plot-point a mess.

 

4) As far as Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy are concerned, the superpowers that they are given are unique to them, and can use these new powers better than the other three can, but become doused in plot-induced stupidity by the former two being completely oblivious and Fluttershy being uncharacteristically too passive when it comes to the endangerment of her friends (See "Dragonshy" for how she should've reacted in the face of Mane-iac's paralyzing hairspray)

 

5) This episode is inconsequential to the overall plot of the series, hence why I forgot all about it.

 

6) Spike is going through an inferiority complex that we've already seen him overcome in "Owl's Well That Ends Well", and over the past four seasons we've seen him do plenty of useful things and be commended for it, making his whole arc in this episode irrelevant.

 

Which brings me to my final point, the parallels between this episode and another episode from another show. Avatar: The Last Airbender did a similar episode in its third season called "Sokka's Master", where Sokka, a non-bender (lacks "superpowers") sees himself being a very useless member of the team even though he's done plenty of useful things in the series' narrative. Let me explain how that episode was better than "Power Ponies". Aside from the fact that it didn't make the other characters stupid or completely incapable, and that it didn't set itself up with a sloppy premise, Sokka was never specifically told by anyone else on the team that he was important to the their group beforehand, and realistically would feel out of place despite the audience knowing his worth from previous episodes. In this instance, one major change is made. Spike's been told his worth before. In "Owl's Well That Ends Well", in "Spike at Your Service", in the Crystal Empire two-parter, and many of the prologue scenes involving Twilight and Spike. Therefore, it's completely out of character for him to feel this way, and completely contrived as far as shoving it into the story is concerned. This, with all of this episodes unique flaws, is why this episode fails on so many levels and why "Sokka's Master" is ten times better.

 

"Power Ponies" is a god awful mess. It's plagued with problems and inconsistencies and ultimately amounts to nothing. "Simple Ways" used to be the worst episode of season four, but I've just experienced an episode that's far more deserving of the title. I've only ever given one other episode the lowest rating I can for an episode, and that was "Crusaders of the Lost Mark". I gave that episode a 1/10. And you know what "Power Ponies" is getting?

 

1/10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

God, I haven't vomited so much diarrhea in a long time. "Daring Don't" is a masterpiece compared to this piece of shit. This episode even has to make me consider which episode is worse. "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" or "Power Ponies"? Ultimately, while "Power Ponies" is definitely worth the 1/10, I'd say "Crusaders" is a worse episode considering, like I've said with "Simple Ways", it manages to fuck up an entire series-long arc, while this episode is essentially a one-off. I guess that flaw is both a blessing and a curse. I'm going to need to drink myself out of this shit. My preferred alcohol is bleach. Anyways, I'll be back next week to hopefully review a more pleasant episode. Until then, maggot semen.