I have too much spare time. I guess. Idky I am sad exactly. But sometimes when friends don't reply to my messages it makes me second guess myself. Then I don't want to send more messages in case I just annoy them or something. So then I get stuck on the indecision. I have other ways to spend my time for sure. And I don't feel sad often. But I am usually not very open, even with myself sometimes. Rather just distract myself and run away. Procrastinate everything.
I am afraid to be more social, and to be myself irl. I'm stuck inside all day. And sometimes idk if it sjust what I prefer doing, or when its over-done. I am fine being alone, but doesn't mean I am all I want to be, even the parts I am capable of if I were braver.
And I know that male suicides are higher than female suicides. This song got me thinking about that. Its a good song tho, and I wouldn't abide by it.
Just a closet brony with some psych issues. And when friendship sometimes hurts I forget the times its good, but I am self aware enough to remember that. But emotion and logic are two different stories. Emotion is what feels real despite logic. I was in a great mood after that fic I read the other day, now idk whats gotten into me.
And 'rationalization' like 'oh it may be diet' is a defense mechanism potentially, despite it being potentially true, its more like its allowing me to see what I normally hide from myself psychologically speaking. Or maybe when I feel bad I become a pessimist.
I think it happened after watching a different video tho, or maybe I should catch up on sleep or etc.
*cries just a little*
What am I supposed to do? There is nothing. How will I know if life is worth it, when I do more good than bad, how will I know that happens? I won't, objectively speaking, because I don't see the full consequences to my actions, then the stuff that matters I am incapable of changing.
Should I just get very good with imagination, then it doesn't matter, I could be satisfied just daydreaming. Real relationships are prolly hard, but the longer I wait the worst I will be at friending and romancing.
I never complete any of my goals, and they don't really matter in the first place. W/e, I just am staying up too late, better to think when I am more capable of it. Good night.