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Not feeling good

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CuriUndersXeno

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I have too much spare time. I guess. Idky I am sad exactly. But sometimes when friends don't reply to my messages it makes me second guess myself. Then I don't want to send more messages in case I just annoy them or something. So then I get stuck on the indecision. I have other ways to spend my time for sure. And I don't feel sad often. But I am usually not very open, even with myself sometimes. Rather just distract myself and run away. Procrastinate everything.

I am afraid to be more social, and to be myself irl. I'm stuck inside all day. And sometimes idk if it sjust what I prefer doing, or when its over-done. I am fine being alone, but doesn't mean I am all I want to be, even the parts I am capable of if I were braver.

And I know that male suicides are higher than female suicides. This song got me thinking about that. Its a good song tho, and I wouldn't abide by it.

Just a closet brony with some psych issues. And when friendship sometimes hurts I forget the times its good, but I am self aware enough to remember that. But emotion and logic are two different stories. Emotion is what feels real despite logic. I was in a great mood after that fic I read the other day, now idk whats gotten into me.

And 'rationalization' like 'oh it may be diet' is a defense mechanism potentially, despite it being potentially true, its more like its allowing me to see what I normally hide from myself psychologically speaking. Or maybe when I feel bad I become a pessimist.

I think it happened after watching a different video tho, or maybe I should catch up on sleep or etc.

*cries just a little*

What am I supposed to do? There is nothing. How will I know if life is worth it, when I do more good than bad, how will I know that happens? I won't, objectively speaking, because I don't see the full consequences to my actions, then the stuff that matters I am incapable of changing.

Should I just get very good with imagination, then it doesn't matter, I could be satisfied just daydreaming. Real relationships are prolly hard, but the longer I wait the worst I will be at friending and romancing.

I never complete any of my goals, and they don't really matter in the first place. W/e, I just am staying up too late, better to think when I am more capable of it. Good night.


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Its just, theres no way to know whats 'normal' and 'normal' isn't always 'right' and then 'right' is subjective, so when I get like this its like getting lost in a maelstrom.

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You write about important things in a unique way. It's a pity that my English allows me to partially understand Your reflections and problems.

 

Don't give up. I always comfort myself with the thought that even after the biggest storm, the sun always comes out. Good luck!

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Admittedly I'm a little unsure how to give a cohesive reply to this, so I'll try reply to what areas I can... sorry if I misinterpret anything you said, I have a hard time getting the gist of things occasionally ^^;

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I have too much spare time. I guess. Idky I am sad exactly. But sometimes when friends don't reply to my messages it makes me second guess myself. Then I don't want to send more messages in case I just annoy them or something. So then I get stuck on the indecision.

It's reasonable enough to get caught up over stuff like that; online, it's pretty hard to gauge how people you talk to might be feeling, or whether silence indicates they're busy, or disinterested, or not feeling social at the moment, etc. If your friends are good friends though, they should be open and honest if their reasons for not replying are anything personal, for both your sakes... so, if they're not giving any personal reasons, chances are they're just distracted, as anyone can be in this busy world. It may be hard to ignore the doubts in your mind, but allow yourself to send your friends more messages whatever you second guess about yourself; you seem like a very considerate person, I doubt you'd be annoying anyone unless that anyone happens to be easily annoyed to an unhealthy degree :)

Out of curiosity, do you do anything else you enjoy while waiting for friends to reply? Or does your enjoyment depend heavily on how frequently they reply?

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I am afraid to be more social, and to be myself irl. I'm stuck inside all day. And sometimes idk if it sjust what I prefer doing, or when its over-done. I am fine being alone, but doesn't mean I am all I want to be, even the parts I am capable of if I were braver.

Hmm... while even the most introverted people probably still crave company at times (I know I do at least), from the sound of it, I doubt the level of social activity you're getting is just what you prefer. You state you're afraid to be yourself irl; what parts of yourself do you feel like you're hiding away? Since you mentioned being a closet brony later in the entry, I'm going to guess that at the very least might be a big thing; if so, this thread might be worth a look if you feel your bronyism is something you'll ever need to share.

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What am I supposed to do? There is nothing. How will I know if life is worth it, when I do more good than bad, how will I know that happens? I won't, objectively speaking, because I don't see the full consequences to my actions, then the stuff that matters I am incapable of changing.

In regards to doing more good than bad, I can't say for 100% sure seeing as I don't know you, but if being a good person is something you're concerned about, I'm willing to bet you're already doing a ton more good than bad; for as easy as being bad can be, even just the smallest of good acts can ripple out quite a ways :) Being unable to see the full consequences of your actions may make it difficult to see that, of course, but it doesn't mean the effects of your actions die out within sight; something I like to do is try consider how big a difference a small thing like someone wishing good morning to everyone they meet could make, perhaps inspecting the good you do as such might help clarify to yourself the real potential extent of it.

As for the stuff that matters which you can't change, what kinds of things would these be?

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I never complete any of my goals, and they don't really matter in the first place.

What kind of goals do you have, may I ask?

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25 minutes ago, Blue cheese said:

Out of curiosity, do you do anything else you enjoy while waiting for friends to reply? Or does your enjoyment depend heavily on how frequently they reply?

Hmm... while even the most introverted people probably still crave company at times (I know I do at least), from the sound of it, I doubt the level of social activity you're getting is just what you prefer. You state you're afraid to be yourself irl; what parts of yourself do you feel like you're hiding away? Since you mentioned being a closet brony later in the entry, I'm going to guess that at the very least might be a big thing; if so, this thread might be worth a look if you feel your bronyism is something you'll ever need to share.

In regards to doing more good than bad, I can't say for 100% sure seeing as I don't know you, but if being a good person is something you're concerned about, I'm willing to bet you're already doing a ton more good than bad; for as easy as being bad can be, even just the smallest of good acts can ripple out quite a ways :)

As for the stuff that matters which you can't change, what kinds of things would these be?

What kind of goals do you have, may I ask?

Do I wait for them to reply too much? Not really. Just it bothers me when I do notice it. I know others can be prone to waiting too long in some situations, the less social of us, but I think its because I always lived with family, never on my own, so I feel like a weird abandonment thing is my guess, but I could be entirely wrong, psychology is complex.

Yeah I am in such a habit that I basically hide any hobby from my mother except console gaming or playing outside with my brother. And I am highly hesitant to show my brother pony stuff, especially because I can't show him much because he is sensitive. So I don't really have irl peers or anything.

Well the morality thing is just me being aware that mid-life crises is a thing, and I don't want crippling depression when I reach that point in my life being 'I wasted it' from a tech progress or ethic utilitarian perspective.

You know, status of biology, status of the world, magic isn't real, can't be my oc, etc etc. Singularity didn't happen yet (tho it might soonish, which would be sweet).

Goals are sorta lame, like get GM in Stacraft 2, get the Devil Dagger's world record. Get Godly streak with TF2's Spy, do that quad machine for over 1,000 lbs. Make money buying n selling stuff on ebay. Get artistic ability to make youtube vids, art, music, writing, etc(I am nowhere near started with those ones). Get cyborg non-invasive brain enhancers, and medicine which reverses aging so I can be biologically immortal, and a genius. And, being able to just adventure and do what I want. Like read in barns n noble all day, take a hike, learn to swim properly. Maybe flying too would be sweet. I want to practice sniping long range targets to improve my vision. I would have plenty to do if I were eventually immortal due to tech advancements.

Which reminds me I also want enhanced eyes to see ultraviolet and infrared and etc.

2 hours ago, Fluttershy Friend said:

You write about important things in a unique way. It's a pity that my English allows me to partially understand Your reflections and problems.

 

Don't give up. I always comfort myself with the thought that even after the biggest storm, the sun always comes out. Good luck!

Thanks <3

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