In this blog entry, I’ll just be talking about what’s happening in my life right now.

So, I’m trying to get a job. That’s what I’ve been saying for the past few weeks now though, I need to step it up more and try harder. Anyways, I have no clue what job I will get or how long I will be working, I’m trying various things right now, but I will probably be working 8 or more hours a day once I do get one.

I’m also pursuing a career right now in computer science and programming, so I’ll see how that works out for me. I’m taking some small, free online courses and learning more about the field. It’s interesting for me, but I still don’t know if I want to do that as a career – there is no reason for me not to, I’m interested in computers and programming languages and I have the capability of understanding most of those things, but I still have doubts. I mean, creating algorithms, variables, functions, and doing mathematics everyday seems too high of a task for me to do. I haven’t failed at any of it, yet, and I’ve understood what I’ve been learning, but I still don’t know.

Despite what I’ve said above, I feel like I haven’t been making much progress lately, and that it’s all my fault. Everything’s starting to get under my skin, I’m more conflicted than I’ve ever been in my life. I mentioned it before, that I sometimes feel positive and sometimes feel negative, a constant battle within. It’s also the stress, I’m stressing out because I must get a job, get a decent car, get money, pursue a career, get out of my comfort zone, and do something with my life – all while fighting a brutal battle with my strong desire to give in to laziness and comfort; also, I’m trying to do those things but nothing big is happening because I’m not trying hard enough, so I must push myself even further which makes the pressure significantly worse. I was hoping that knowing my career, possibly something in computer science, would help, and it does a little, but that also makes things worse. I’m not going to let anything get me down and stop trying, but it is starting to really affect me.