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I.R: Incoming Rant, Topic: Hearthstone



Howdy Kiddos! We're starting a new topic around here! Because If I keep these rants in, they'll become a hernia.

So. Incoming Rant here.

 Do help me understand.

 For those of you who don't know, Hearthstone is a virtual cardgame! See, while back they thought "Well, maybe just having the one function of having a card match and just playing cards that do an effect and then get done wit' isn't really that much to do." Y'know, just pressing a button then lights & sounds going off for a few seconds. Pretty bare minimum effort put in, eh?

Why yes, I am seething with rage right now. But I am an intelligent, so I make wit' the narrative 'ere.

So Blizzard company done thought they'd make these "Adventures." A sort of series of card matches with a goal to accomplish like "There's some Baddie over in this swamp that hasn't existed in anywhere else before, but they're totally evil." Or just, y'know, a series of bosses to fight. And then, after about an hour or two you get one third of a reward. Sacks of some currency that, if you pile up after weeks you can use to make something else that's non-existent and offers nothing more than another button to press for sounds & lights to go off during.

 But see, there's this bigger plan they got goin' now wit' tha "New Story." They done figure, we need characters ta follow, so we'll create some sos we got faces for this here game specifically. They need a gimmick, of course to separate them from what's preexisting so they're between the preexisting classifications. They are, as follows:

 Team E.VI.L

Yes, I don't think they ever express what the acronym is for. Acronyms are cool. If you have to use more than two brain cells to recognize a fact, it stops being marketable Totally Rad.

 Sqampqueen Hagatha: She is an orc. From a place that doesn't have orcs. She's magical! She uses Swamp Magic! Which is just green and does whatever new card she's on does. She evil because she like making others do things they otherwise wouldn't do. Despite the fact that this entire game centers around having effects that destroy other stuff.

Fortuneteller Lazul: She a troll. She tells fortunes despite never actually been shown doing that ever. Well, I tell a lie, she introduced a block of stuff way back when... which had tentacles and these things called "Old Gods" so... we're going with that's why she's on the side of Evil. She does have an adorable pet snake, so point there.

Kobold King Togwaggle: He was the fat greedy ratman king that was the head honcho in a previous block... but he never really fought but he described things a lot. Loudly. The man likes his candles. A lot. So much so that now he has a Dragon-Candle that may very well be both at the same time. (My personal favorite.) He is evil, of course, because he takes things that don't belong to him.    ...despite that also being a thing done in every match you do as a natural cause of gameplay. 

Then, of course, the "Leader" of this team, Supreme Archaeologist Rafaam!:

No. He doesn't do anything with archaeology. Unless you count following those who do and take their archaeology stuff. But that's why he's different from Togwaggle's greedy thievery. He likes to CALL things evil! That makes him the best at it! He makes these plans, which must be good at being evil because he described them as such and doesn't that so make you relate to him enough to both want to stop him but also help him enough so that you get loot too? Rafaam gathered everyone because he had this mysterious plan that started with the conquest of the magical city of Dalaran! That plan was as follows: Step 1. Go to Dalaran! Step 2. Pick fights! Fighting is evil! Supposedly!  Step 3. … ….Have Dalaran, I guess.

  They did nothing with Dalaran. Nothing specific from Dalaran was used, brought up or mentioned. Because... well, shiny stuff was there. Rafaam is a Ethereal for reasons, and he's shiny. So it must be an adventure if there's just a shiny dude taking people of unindentified qualities to a shiny place where you can then use shiny things.

 Oh, then there's the side of good, of course! The Explorer's League!

 See, to oppose the league of evil, we need good guys! Who ALSO take stuff without asking first! Oh, there's just so many, constant, repeated jokes about overdue library books, things they've stolen from others for the purpose of putting up in their own building to talk about how it supposedly has historical significance despite the fact they only show up as even more showy, loud card effects and so many traps, holes to fall into, countless other beings slain because adventure & being heroic means constantly getting into fights! Despite how we just described EVIL as being the side that picks fights! But, I mean, gotta be heroic to pick fights and win, right? This game would be boring if we didn't constantly berate the audience with yet more fights!

The founder is Brann Bronzebeard!: Despite the fact he never says that at any point so you would never know that unless you knew the supplementary context. He's a dwarven hunter! That means he goes into the wild! He likes dinosaurs! So he talks about them when they show up! … That's it! ...Oh, and his brother led a major city of his race and got turned into solid diamond against his will, but let's make a joke about that because I'm sure he has no emotional baggage about the death of his estranged relative and last tie to any family at all! But see, that's why He's here. He must be Good & Brave because he goes places and sees things and fights fights we never see him actually fight.

Then there's the brains of the operation, Elise Starseeker: You can tell she's a smart elf because she wears glasses, a vest and doesn't immediately fire off every mystical object she finds until numerous people are killed! She A Smart because everything she's involved in means she can just immediately summon up the best option to any situation instead of using what's around her and knowing more detail about what she IS doing. Because deeper thought would require staying in place for long enough to NOT get into a fight! No, much better to have the one woman on the team be constantly being sassy about how the MEN are all impulsive while just whipping up fresh nonsense that doesn't follow any logical sense! Elise's machete summons treants! Because she's an Elf and ALL elves are just so much a nature freak they can cause trees to get up and punch things! Elise can just pull spells she doesn't know or entire creatures out of her satchel because that's totally something that can be done in this world since predescribed because that makes the fight more showy! CAN'T LET THE AUDIENCE STOP LONG ENOUGH TO BREATHE!


 *Cough* Excuse me.

 This brings us to Sir Finely: He is a very polite gentleman, he prefers non-combat solutions, tea, the furtherment of his kind and the causes of others. He doesn't get much screen time. He helps fight, says posh things. Oh, and he's a fishy, toadlike creature when most of his race don't talk as eloquently as he does. Because we needed one character to just constantly make fish/frog puns at because LOOK at the funny frogman! THAT doesn't usually happen! Let's all draw attention to the character's species and only involve him in things related to the puns we can make about him! LAUGH! THAT'S ENDEARING, ISN'T IT? PAY ATTENTION TO THE WEIRDO WHO DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN! PAY US!!!

 Then there's Reno: Think his last name is Nevada. Or I dunno, could be wrong, it's been a while since he went by anything other than "The Amazing." He's a human, of course, because we needed a big-chined, muscley handsome dude to be the stereotypical Hero. So we could make jokes about that, right?  So we've made him a massive Man-Child that just steals magic things then shoots them off without any training or aforethought. So any fight he's in, anything he has to depend on, its just randomly firing off card effects he doesn't even have at his disposal. Just Automatic Fire from a Magic Gun. Because just GIVING powers to a character is really all you need to make a spectacle worth your audience spending money on. More so than anything else in this game, Reno has to be told to NOT do things. Don't portal on ahead, don't wander off and poke sticks at big things with teeth, don't gape, open mouthed at a giant machine swooping down on you to abduct you. Reno has the mind of a child despite being the biggest and strongest! He just wins by throwing out whatever he has access to without any strategy at all!

 Gad, I hate him! And because of that, I love him! I hate loving him and I love hating him! I'm too confused to sort myself out on this matter!

Because that's what Hearthstone has come down to! And, I fear, what all games have come down to! Not story, but just constant rewards! Use a buncha cards to get more cards that have an effect of allowing you to use more cards in the game! There's no strategy to this blasted cardgame, just HAVE more cards than your opponent. Use cards to put things on the field, destroy your opponents' stuff, then they take their turn to destroy your stuff and put down some stuff for you to destroy. Then repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat!!

And That's what I need help understanding! That's the "Story" they're going for for years now. People show up to DO stuff. They have fights where THINGS HAPPEN. Things blow up. We do it all over again. It's just fighting. Just more turns tossing stuff out without attention to why, how or when... just more noise, more sound effects, more rewards that only have enough purpose to earn more pointless points of data. There's no STORY anymore! I don't know why I play when all I get is regret how nothing was advanced & frustration over trying to accomplish yet more prattling, noisy fights!

 ...wish I could go back to reading books. Where the next thing to happen has some connection with what just happened.


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Loyalty of me Rainbow Dash knows that maybe why you love playing Hearthstone RPG  CARD GAME like me  is because It's got that nostalgia rainbooming awesome feel that pure joy in your heart when you use to play MAGIC THE GATHERING ?

  • Brohoof 1
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