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Self Improvement vs. Trying To Be Someone You're Not

~Master~ Button Mash

Entry posted by ~Master~ Button Mash

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There's a thin line that runs between self-improvement and trying to make yourself someone that you are not. I often wonder which side of that line I am on. Right now is one of those times.

 

Since I've got insomnia at the moment, along with some...unpleasantness that I mentioned in my status, I find myself unable to sleep. Since I've had these thoughts running in my head, I thought there's no better time than now to put them out there.

 

As many here know, I've made some serious perceptive shifts as of late, and as such I am making some serious life changes. I'm working out and am on a very strict diet so that I can get into rugby and diving-playing shape ASAP. I'm also forcing myself into social situations a bit more. Plus I am pledging myself to be more daring (I'm going to try skydiving this summer. A bit extreme, yes, but go hard or go home right?). I want to end up pretty much a whole new person when all is said and done.

 

At the same time, when I look in the mirror, I get a feeling like something isn't right. Like I might be doing this for the wrong reasons.

 

I often have fantasies about being that kind of guy who can take on anything. The guy who is a sports whiz, the social butterfly, the suave ladies man, etc. Basically the guy who can take whatever the world throws at him and comes out the other side smelling like Old Spice. The winner in any situation you put them in. Calm, cool, collective, and sure of themselves and the world around them.

 

That's in contrast to the out of shape, socially anxious guy whose never had a steady girlfriend (much less even a kiss) who is prone to anxiety about everyday life, and when put into a situation is usually guaranteed to fuck up at least one thing. A person I'm ashamed to be.

 

I'm a Fluttershy, but I desperately want to be a Rainbow Dash. But it feels wrong when I try to be a Rainbow Dash. Is that feeling I get in the mirror the last bits of my old self trying to drag me back down, or is it my true self trying to tell me something is wrong?

 

On another note, I'm beginning to drift away from my old IRL friends from high school. I feel like they are just dragging me down and are incompatible with the kind of person I'm trying to become. A new me calls for new acquaintances, like the kind of people I'm finding in college. A fresh start needs fresh faces.

 

Am I trying to improve myself, or am I just trying to be somebody I'm not? Because I hate who I am sometimes.

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I hate who i am all the time.

But mentally i cant change.

 

But if your so devoted to change, you will.

It will just take time.

 

And i don't think your trying to be someone your not.

Your just trying to improve yourself.

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Titan Rising

You can be anyone you want to be, and also be you.  Right now your hope is fighting your hopelessness.  Don't let the hopelessness win, you will regret it forever.  Even if you don't succeed, don't allow yourself any room to wonder what could have been.

 

Stories about hero's are told for a reason, because people like them and would like to have the kind of strength that the stories tell of.  That does not mean you should want to be the hero, but chase after the traits of what makes them worth looking up to.

 

They are they and you are you, but we all share fear.  And right now it sounds like you're wondering if some people are just naturally afraid and other's aren't and there's nothing that can change that.  Well truth is I couldn't say one way or the other for sure, but I know that I would rather die than live everyday assuming I can be nothing more than afraid.  Might as well live a life shooting for greatness rather than one where you stay on the ground believing it's impossible.

 

I also think it's important to recognize you may never be calm, cool, collected, and fearless all the time.  I don't think anyone is.  Every battle is a struggle for everyone.  What it's really about is being able to be the way you want to be despite the fear and anxiety.  And I think it's okay even if you're nervous and shaking a little and mess up, because you tried and went for it and you come out the other side more prepared for the next challenge.

 

Sorry I am pretty enthusiastic about this because I'm largely going through the same thing with myself.

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Fluffy Pinkie

The way it sounds you're trying to change for the better. You appear like you want to change yourself and just because you change doesn't mean everything about your old self will be gone, somewhere they're will still be the side of you that makes you well you. You're trying to improve yourself and their's nothing wrong with that, you're trying to get into things you want to do so you're not turning into somebody you don't want to be but somebody you want to be.

 

Even though you want to change never forget the good things about your old self, keep the caring personality i've seen that you have on here. I believe your just scared of change but not all change is bad, and what you're trying to do sounds like a good thing. Just remember to do and be who you want and who you decide to be, not what others want or think you should be.

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PinkiePie Forever

I can feel for you. I am having a bit of an identity crisis and finding out who my friends are. I used to be incredibly shy and timid, but now I'm sarcastic, loud, and snarky. I don't know which side is the real "me" at all. I don't know if it was a good change. I do have more friends now, but I don't know if they are friends who can understand me on a deeper level. Pooh. So if you are going to change, in a way, just know that it will cause confusion on who you think you really "are."

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~Master~ Button Mash

Thanks for the comments, everypony. Glad to see I'm not walking this journey alone. :)

 

I think I get what you guys are getting at. Yes, this is a very confusing time for me. Old habits and mindsets are dying and giving way to new ones (and don't worry, my caring personality is here to stay :)), and the transition can be very turbulent as I see the world through new eyes (including seeing myself). 

 

New identities never come easy, and doubt is natural, I guess. I just need to overcome it like all other challenges. I can't let the hopelessness win...

 

Thanks again, everypony. :)

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