I'm happy, and I know I feel happy and I'm loving my life. Yet I miss the past. I can't cope with loss and I can't seem to stay happy. I always revert to sadness and anger towards myself. I seem to push people away very often, and I feel so awful when I do it.

I'm doing better now though. Seeing someone to help me and my brother and one true friend are very kind to stick by me and help me. Depression has run in my family for a while. My father had it, my great grandfather had it, and my mother has it.

I'd like to live like how my grandfather Sergei lived. He lost his friends in both world wars, and he retained his happiness. He always cried when he talked about his friends and the concentration camps, but he always told me that I should never give up in life. I shouldn't let it get the better of me. I let it get the better of me when my wife passed away. I'll never forget her, and I'll never lose the sadness I have in that moment when she died in my arms.

But I have to be optimistic. I have to beat my depression. I think I have too. I feel much better after talking it out with close friends and family. I feel better. I just got needy and obsessive about people and friends because I can't handle losing anyone. I don't like it because it reminds me of the pain I felt when I lost my wife. Is hard to explain and understand especially if you have never lost anyone you love more than life itself.

I was willing to die for my wife. Willing to do anything for her, and losing her destroyed me. It all broke apart and I became sullen and angry. Did things I regret. I came out of two years of anger, and then became depressive. I found happiness in 2012 for the first time though, and then I started to recede into depression again.

I feel better now though. I feel fantastic and I can't find a reason to be sad anymore. Only one thing is keeping me sad that is happening in 2013 and I'm hoping to resolve that soon

But for right now, I'm feeling good. I've come to terms with my wife's untimely passing. I'll never lose the sadness for that moment and I'll never forget her, but I will move on and understand she's still looking over me. She wouldn't want me to kill myself or be depressed. My grandfather loved me and he wouldn't want that either. I am feeling good. I am starting to lose the obsessive nature I had. I just need to fix two things and I'll be really happy.

Dammit I'm happy! Stopped smoking, cut back on my drinking and I'm becoming a godfather too! One of my friends is having another child. Just need to fix two things! TWO THINGS! Then I'll really be happy. I love this place. You all are really great, and some of you helped me through my depression. Well I'd like to thank those of you who have helped me.

Now, I must finish my small glass of scotch and listen to Fluttershy