I apologize that my last posts are so sad and disheartened. I am usually not like that. It's just this is a really tough time for me. In all honesty I find it so hard to write these blogs, especially now. These will always be raw unedited emotion. Because since when are we always pretty? I promise to post pretty but if you wanna know me you gotta feel me at my worst. You gotta feel me as I walk back and forth pacing through the kitchen staring at the knives, the bleach, anything my imagination grabs at.. (the rest get sick, those are kind of normal. I wouldn't want to completely gross out my readers lol)

I have very scary suicidal thoughts. I haven't self harmed for just about 3 years. But it is so hard to stay loyal to this.

So I think that the cause of this anxiety is.. Well there is no nice way of putting this so like everything it will be blunt. *Stop reading this if you are not good with death*

So tonight between 7 and 9 I am going to go see my dad. He is in a funeral home all cleaned up by now. I am going to go and say my final good bye's. I am the eldest daughter (no boys except.. dad) I am 19. It was too soon and I am sad. I know what I want to say to him it is about my piggy and such I am going to write him a letter and tuck it in his suit pocket. I just don't know how to take this! I am at peace but there is this ache I feel that is just wanting to come out. It cries and it yells and I don't know what it will do. I don't know what to do or how to feel.

Death really freaks the ever living shit out of me. When do you die? After your heart goes? Or your brain?

What happens if you are laying there aware of all voices unable to scream and tell them you are alive? (I guess death is inevitable at that point but it would be so lonely and terrifying.) I would like to thank Steven King for scaring me xD well done that doesn't happen often

But that is some scary stuff... I am just a wreck after tomorrow will be easier. After the funeral will be easier. I just can't accept he's gone. I moved away and I didn't see what happened.. I still think he's out fixing Grandma's computer. Boy am I in for a shock tonight..

On this sad note I leave you guys. I have to go write something for my dad. Please remember to tell the people you care about because you never know what day will be your last.

As always guys and gals (especially my RP boys),

I love you all <3

~PP