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  1. PrymeStriker
    *Peaks outside for Dark Qiviut Army*
     
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    Oh, Jesus, they're gone. Alright, then, today, we're going to be reviewing Boast*turns around*BustAAAH!!

     
    *Heart Attack*
     
    Oh! You guys! I wasn't...I wasn't expecting you! Want some coffee? No? Okay, cool! Well, today...err...
     
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    Can I review South Park instead? I'm gonna review South Park instead! Today, we're gonna talk about "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe." Now, this episode is...
     
    *Army of Moderators outside my window*
     
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    Heh, heh
     
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    just...
     
    just kidding.
     
    T-today, we're g-gonna review "B-B-B-b-B-B-B-Boast Busters."
     
    Now, this episode is an episode that exists and is a tangible thing that can be purchased on DVD or recorded on DVR and watched via television or a DVD player or a video game console such as the XBOX 360, XBOX ONE (I guess), PS2, PS3, PS4, PS9000, and the Magnavox Odyssey. Without further ado, let's commit suicid-I mean, review the show.
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode...err...you're better off than I.
     
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    *The Dark Qiviut Army sits on my living room couch*
     
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    Alright, let's get started.
     
    The episode opens up with Spike and Twilight practicing magic. Here, Spike gets a moustache, which isn't quite as funny as Krobo Production's YouTube Poop of part of this episode, "Friendship is Not Available in Your Country," where Spike gets a, err...let's just say, 25 types of tricks and counting indeed. 25 types of di-*DRAFTED*
     
    Spike goes Sgt. Pepper on our asses.
     
    After the credits, Twilight and Spike are walking in Ponyville when suddenly, Spike is trampled by Snips and Snails. The douchebags take our little friend to the Great and Powerful Trixie's magic show i-.........what?
     
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    A...a magic show?
     
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    What? What the fuck?
     
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    Magic...magic is a thing in this universe.
     
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    MAGIC IS COMMON IN EQUESTRIA!
     
    Seriously, I don't understand the concept of this. Magic shows couldn't possibly work the same way in Equestria that it does here. In our world, magic is an illusion...
     
    *Glances at angry magicians standing at my door with the draft-happy moderators*
     
    Son of a bitch, would you people get off my property?!
     
    Like I was saying, magic in our world isn't exactly "real." Even if it is, it's not as common as Equestria. In Equestria, every goddamn Unicorn plus Pinkie Pie has the ability to do magic. Some are better than others, yes, but what Trixie's doing would be amazing to Earth standards, not Equestria standards. So, why is everyone except our main heroes so goddamn amazed at this?!?!?!?!?
     

    Actually, in this frame, Rainbow Dash is a bit too interested. Innuendooooooooooooooooo
     
    On top of that, why are our main heroes so pissed off? Granted, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy don't express an opinion, but they don't even speak in this episode to begin with! Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash get increasingly annoyed by Trixie's loud overconfidence for her comparatively mediocre tricks. Sounds like Another Character We Know?? I mean, she's not putting on a very good show when Equestrian magic has the ability to blow shit up, but the least you guys could do is walk away. That's something I'd figure at least Rarity and Applejack would do. But no, here they go, trying to one up Trixie.
     
    Your tricks suck too, Applejack. And who the hell let you out of rehab?
     
    They all fail as you might expect, and they press Twilight to show Trixie how real magic is done. I realize there needs to be a character-central conflict, but all Twilight needed to do was blow up Trixie's stage and the episode would be over. Whatever, doesn't matter, we still have 12:20 of nothing happening to review. Spike talks to Snips and Snails about Trixie's show and then tries to convince Twilight to do magic, which, again, she does nothing. I really don't know why anyone should care about anything, so I don't blame Twilight for not giving a fuck. Except, it's not that she doesn't care as we'll soon learn. Meanwhile, Spike slams the door of nothingness to...*giggle*...have to open the door again to exit the room...*giggle*
     

    *snicker*
     
    AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHLOLHAHAHA!
     
    *Dark Qiviut army staring intensely*
     
    AHAHAHAH-HAJklkfshfdfrl...I mean, that was a stupid gag! Screw you, Savino, you suck shit!
     
    On the other side of town, Trixie's earlier boast at some point about having vanquished an Ursa Major is called into question when Snips and Snails find and piss one off. They bring it to Ponyville to rampage and logically, Trixie has no idea what to do. Luckily, Twilight is 2cool4urshit and puts the Ursa Minor back to sleep with a bottle of Ursa Major breast milk.
     

    ♪Rock-a-bye Bear-Thing in the cave top. When the kids find you, kill them next time.♪
     
    Twilight apologizes for doing magic, Rainbow Dash explains that she doesn't like show-offs (royal dumbass right here), and they all praise Twilight because Twilight will be princess someday. Trixie is forced to run away because she sucks, and Snips, Snails, and Spike all get mustaches. Rarity didn't go for it, unfortunately for Spike, but hey, at least they can do "I Am the Walrus" now.
     

    A splendid time is guaranteed for all.
     
    And so ends "Boast Busters."
     

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    Alright, alright, you got me, I didn't really care for this episode.
     
    When I was younger and I first watched this, I wasn't really angry with this episode. I found it enjoyable and moved on to the next one. However, upon inspecting the premise again, this episode is really stupid. For one, Applejack and Rarity got very angry with Trixie's magic show because she was a loudmouthed show-off. So, why the hell do you idiots put up with Rainbow Dash, the other loudmouthed show-off in Ponyville? As I've already explained, magic doesn't work in Equestria the same way it does on Earth, as magic is a much more common thing and her tricks weren't that impressive comparatively. So, why the hell was everyone in the background so completely dazzled by the performance? It'd be like Fluttershy got up there and said "look, I can fly up to 10 feet off the ground!" and everyone had a damned seizure from the overpowering awesomeness.
     
    And to top it all off, Twilight-motherfuckin'-Sparkle. It'd be fine, dare I say, downright hilarious, if Twilight was the only around here who didn't give one shit and was the one who put everything straight at the end by calling out everyone for their stupidity. Unfortunately, that's something South Park might do, but MLP iz ch1ldr3n sh0. No, Twilight didn't want to show off her magic because, well, she didn't want to be a show-off. I don't completely blame her, as this goes hand-in-hand with her character of being a bit of a recluse, but it becomes annoying when the whole premise and setup of the story work against the characters to make them all look bad. All for the anti-climax of the century. I don't hate this episode, per-say, like I said, I initially let this one slide and that was the reason I was unsure of reviewing this. Now, I'll gladly give this episode a 4/10 for just a terrible story and a terrible use of the characters.
     
    And that's my review.
     
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    *Dark Qiviut army leaves in satisfaction I think*
     
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    Well, that was a bit of a drag. I thought I was going to like this episode and offer some kind of interesting counterpoint to the uproar against it. Turns out, it's as bad as everyone says. You know, I've learned something today. Chris Savino sucks, and I really need to go watch another MLP episode right now. Let's see, what's the next one in line?
     

     
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    Okay, that'll do.
  2. PrymeStriker
    Previously on My Little Phony...
     
     

    CUE THE TITLE SEQUENCE!
     
    *La-La-La, My Little Phony, we're running out of ideas, My Little Pony, until you all share your money with me*
     
    Spoilers ahead, this is your only warning.
     
    Alright, guys, it's Monday! You know what that means! Yes, that's correct. When we last left our little ponies, they'd been transported to yet another dimension where things suck and villains win. Their lives were being threatened by Fluttershy, so they're totally screwed. But what of the questions we had unanswered? Will our heroes survive being crucified?
     
    Yes. #ZecoraIsBestPony
     

     
    Will someone post a gallery on MLP Wikia so I don't have to take my own screencaps?
     
    No.
     
    After Zecora throws pixie dust on Twilight to prove they're not changelings, the two explain to each other how each of their worlds were affected by a common multiple. Zecora takes the team to their hide out, where Chrysalis and her changelings have already infiltrated. As an epic battle ensues, Twilight pussies out.
     

    You better run for your life if you can, little girl. Hide your head in the sand, little girl. Catch you with another man, that's the end, little girl.
     
    After reaching the map and returning yet again to the Cloudsdale Rainboom Event of 199Whatever, Twilight and Starlight engage in a Transformers Prime-esque battle of the horn beams and after a minute of cool action shit, Twilight notices that Rainbow Dash has stopped the race to watch the battle, which created another alternate universe. In this universe, it is eternal night, and Nightmare Moon has taken over Equestria. You know, the Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon worlds aren't as cool as the King Sombra one. Like, you can keep those two worlds to the comics or something, but make King Sombra's world a series!
     

    Alright, alright, I'll surrender and bring Celestia back from the moon if you'd please ignore the TV-Y tag on my wall.
     
    Nightmare Moon demands to see the cutie map so she can use it to destroy the elements of harmony, but Twilight bests her rather easily and returns to Cloudsdale to yet again fight with Starlight Glimmer. A montage ensues of the different worlds that Twilight encounters, including Tirek's world, Discord's world (that one was pretty fun), and even Flim and Flam's world. Twilight gets tired of Starlight's shit and decides to show her what she's doing, bringing her through the portal into one of the alternate worlds.
     

    Well, this changes everything.
     
    Of course, it's not that simple, Starlight gets angry and decides to show Twilight why her friendship was so unimportant. She brings her to the town where she used to live to show Twilight the relationship she had with one of her friends, Sunburst. However, he got his cutie mark in...um...being yellow? I don't understand what this cutie mark is supposed to be. He rearranged some books and now he has the sun as a cutie mark. What, is that supposed to mean he's good at magic or something? I don't understand this shit!!!
     

    Sun-shaped cutie marks make the Discovery Family logo disappear!
     
    Twilight explains how losing one friend =/= eternal suffering and how you have to open up to making new friends. After Starlight threatens to tear up the spell, trapping them in a time loop, Twilight repeats herself and then Starlight gives in. When they return to the "normal" present, the other five guys finally decide to show up to the castle. Twilight and her friends discuss what to do with Starlight, and they decide to pull a Sunset Shimmer. She is redeemed, and Twilight and her friends promise to teach Starlight everything they know about friendship and stuff.
     
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    THEY SING ABOUT THAT
     

    I totally cut the CMC out on purpose.
     
    And so concludes the season five finale.
     
     
     
    Having assessed the whole finale, start to finish, I have this to say about it:
     
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    Okay, then.
     
    There's nothing really wrong with it plot-wise. The time travel/dimension thing is a little wonky but nothing to obsess over, and I guess one could question how Starlight got so goddamn powerful, but my problems lie elsewhere. I just think that Starlight's whole redemption was Sunset Shimmer's redemption but this time in Equestria. I thought the Equestrian version of Sunset Shimmer was, you know, Sunset Shimmer. As a result, it doesn't feel like there's anything new to offer to the table with her turn-around. On top of the fact that Starlight has the personality of a cardboard box, there's just nothing coming out of this resolve. If she's to be of some kind of focus next season, I have no comments about it.
     
    On the plus side, I really liked the concept of this finale. Not sure if I mentioned this in my last review, but the whole idea of "what if Twilight and the gang didn't stop [insert villain]?" is really cool for this show in particular to tackle, and they're all done rather well. On top of that, I did find this finale enjoyable despite the kind of flat resolution. Overall, I will give this episode an 8/10 as well, bringing the overall average of the finale to a straight eight. "The Cutie Re-Mark" was enjoyable and interesting, but the antagonist choice was poor.
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, that season was all over the place. I guess I'll just return to season one and review...
     

     

     
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    *GULP*
     
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    *Army of Dark Quivits remain outside my door taking drinks*
     
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    I suppose I'll be, heh, eagerly counting the days 'till Friday...
  3. PrymeStriker
    Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
     
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    Oh, crap, that was yesterday, wasn't it?
     
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    Uh, happy...Black Friday?
     
    It's Fluttershy so it's cute.
     
    Alright, everyone, time to delve into the next episode of season one of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. This is a fan cited favorite...I think...of the first handful of episodes. It's called "Griffon the Jack Off." In it, there's a griffon named Gilda who's just a complete jack-off. Who'da thunk? She brings havoc to our little utopia, Ponyville, which is almost always the site for some kind of mega-crisis, but I digress. Will Pinkie Pie slap the bitch silly? Will Rainbow Dash and Gilda fall in love and have little pony-griffon hybrid children? How does that even work? All questions will be answered in this episode of...
     
    ...My Little Pony...
     
    ...Friendship...
     
    ...is...
     
    ...LAW!
     
    and Order.
    This a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, you better griffon the f**k off! *LAUGH TRACK*
     
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    *LAUGH TRACK CONTINUES, SO FUNNY*
     
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    Alright, let's rock and roll, music!
     
    The episode starts off with Rainbow Dash running away from Pinkie Pie. They embark on the biggest chase sequence all around Equestria, but Pinkie has magic Pinkie skills that allow her to catch up in a matter of seconds. After Dashie grows tired of running for no reason, Pinkie reveals that she just wants some help pranking Spike. They end up pranking Spike and it has the same amount of humor value as my jokes.
     
    That's what you get for going to Taco Bell on Thanksgiving.
     
    Rainbow Dash realizes that Pinkie Pie is actually fun to be around and they go off to prank some more asswipes. They start with Rarity, obviously, and make her sneeze with sneezing powder, because sneezing = comedy. That's okay, Rarity's last frame makes her look like she's just finished snorting some coke. Anorexic whore. Next, they prank Twilight and Applejack, but their pranks manage to be even less amusing. Finally, Pinkie pranks Rainbow when acting like they're gonna prank Fluttershy, 'cause Pinkie Pie's just the pony embodiment of Eric Cartman. Having run out of friends, they decide to call it a days end at some point, and later, Pinkie Pie finds Rainbow Dash with her old friend Gilda.
     
    ♪I love you, you love me, let's have sex...................................................................♪
     
    Dash says that she'd rather spend the day with Gilda than Pinkie Pie (well, in a nutshell), and that depresses Pinkie. She then commits suicide.
     
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    The End.
     
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    So Pinkie won't quit annoying the shit out of Gilda the bitch and Rainbow won't switch, so Pinkie still tries while Rainbow Dash flies as actions of which annoy Gilda the bitch. /END POEM As Pinkie Pie's religion of friendship is shattered by Gilda's mean attitude, she complains to Twilight whom has given so much of a crap so far. Of course, Twilight just assumes Pinkie Pie is insane and says that she's just jealous. OH THE IRONY, TWILIGHT, JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU GET JEALOUS IN SEASON FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    Why, you...YOU'RE GONNA BE A HYPOCRITE IN ABOUT A YEAR OR SO!
     
    Pinkie Pie considers that she is just being jealous and that Gilda totally didn't physically and verbally abuse her. Then the griffon makes the biggest mistake ever. She messed with Fluttershy. She messed with Fluttershy! You don't mess with Fwuttershai!!!YOU DON'T F**K WITH FLUTTERSHY DAMMI-She does anyway. This is when Pinkie Pie devises a plan to give griffon the jack off some payback.
     

    Damn, dude. Do you brush your teeth?
     
    There's only one way Pinkie Pie know's how to dish some revenge: a party! As we learn that Fluttershy is a year older than Pinkie, Gilda arrives for the festivities! There's tons of games at this party, such as "Get Electrocuted by the Hoof Buzzer," "Eat Spicy-Ass Lemon Drops," "Drink the Punch from the Dribble Glass," "Open a Snake Nut Can," "Blow Trick Candles," and the always popular "Walk the Wrong Way While Pinning the Tail on the Pony!" All of these incredible pranks are offensive to Gilda, kind of like how Americans get offended by anything, and constantly confronts Pinkie Pie that she knows what she's up to. However, after she fucks up the "Pin the Tail" game, she's had enough and cusses Pinkie out!
     

    Gilda doesn't have time for your*Saves Draft*shit, Pinkie Pie!
     
    But now we're in for a plot twist. You see, Pinkie Pie only hosted this party. All the fun pranks that Gilda had to undergo? They were RAINBOW DASH'S IDEA! It's too late at this point, though. Gilda has exposed her jackassery in front of everyone, and has certainly pissed off Rainbow Dash by calling Pinkie Pie a loser for Dashie's pranks. Rainbow Dash prepares a griffon the tell off for Gilda (*LAUGH TRACK FOR 5 MINUTES*) and at long last, the evil griffon bitch leaves Ponyville. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash create a very strong friendship from that point on as Twilight monologues about how it's impossible to control your own behavior. The End!
     
    Dear Twilight, tell Spike I said thank you for hiccuping 1,000 blank scrolls to me. Now I can finally write back to people.
     
    And that was "Griffon the Jack Off." How does it hold up?
     
    While I know a lot of people like this episode from what I can tell, I don't think it was that great. By no means is it bad, it's just the first instance chronologically in the show where I was pretty bored by the story. "The Ticket Master" had a pretty weak plot too, but at least that was a bit more entertaining than this. "Griffon the Brush Off" is just sort of dull all around, and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything by episode's end. Again, this feels like an episode out of a teen sitcom.
     
    In fact, let's bring back iCarly as an example. That show has this exact same episode, where one of Carly's old friends from wherever the fuck she lived came to Seattle, and she was a jackass to Sam, but Carly didn't believe her until she was exposed, and then Sam and Freddie send her on a cruise where she becomes sea-sick as revenge. Same plotline, just no pranks or ponies involved. So, the fact that I've seen this kind of story before lead to it being kind of predictable and dull.
     
    I did like, however, the dynamic of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie in this episode, and thought it did help develop their dynamic for the future series to come. Therefore, I will only be giving this episode a 7/10 for at least doing something beneficial in that regard. The rest of the episode is just really uninteresting. I will however, recommend the KroboProductions YouTube Poop of this episode, "Friendship is Gic 2: Pinkie Pie tlt uolliaC," which is a masterpiece that deserves an 11/10 of it's own. In fact, I'll just let you guys go watch that for yourself. I shan't link it because gay, but it'll make your re-think your own existence. I hope you laugh your griffon the ass off. (*LAUGH TRACK FOR 3 DAYS*)
  4. PrymeStriker
    The following quote applies to this review in retrospect. Please read. (Added 11/30/2016)

     
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    Alright, alright, this isn't a new episode, but I had to come back to this forum after a long hiatus from the community in general (no special reason, I've just been busy with other things) to talk about this episode, even if it's been a while since I've seen it. Normally, I'd say "this is a spoilers review so if you haven't seen this episode wipe my ass" or something, but this episode is relatively old and relatively huge, so if you haven't seen it, I don't care. I really don't give a damn. Because you know what? You're in for such a sour ride with this load of literal horse dung. So, without further ado, "Crusaders of the Lost Mark."
     
    So this episode opens up wit- WHAT THE FUCK?!
     

     
    ALREADY?!
     
    We're doing this already? I-I know this isn't the first episode to have a song in the prologue (Magical Mystery Cure), but this is just so completely out of place! With MMC, this was tolerable, because at least the song wasn't completely obnoxious. What the hell is this cluster of pop chords doing?
     
    Anyway, Pip thankfully interrupts this terrible composition because he needs the help of the Cutie Mark Crusaders to get votes for his campaign to run as school president.
     

     
    Yes! Find some of the most unpopular kids at school to help boost my campaign! This surely won't backfire!
     
    And so they help their friend that appeared in that one episode to run for school president because, what the hell, we have to give this character some form of ambition, right? But, of course, the real queen of the crop around these parts protests their efforts. Yes, yes, the ever so refreshing to see Diamond Tiara has come to foil their plans! Mua...ha....ha. So Diamond Tiara goes on to convince other ponies th- AW JESUS CHRIST NOT AGAIN!
     

     
    SON OF A PIP!
     
    WE JUST GOT FINISHED WITH A GODDAMN MUS-
     
    *sigh*
     
    Remember what my therapist told me....remember what my therapist told me...
     
    ...so after you suffer through another musical number, we find that, oh goodies, the blank flank's cheery spirit got the school so buttered up that Pip won by a landslide! I cared about this subplot! As you might imagine, Diamond Tiara is pretty pissed, but not so much that she didn't win, but because she has to tell her mother that she lost!
     

     
    i cri evrtim
     
    After her mother learns that she lost to a "transplant from Trottingham" (which is called her completely fake ass), she is outraged with Diamond Tiara and expresses just the sheer embarrassment of her daughter to her daughter. These types of beings should not reproduce. In despair, she walks around town....ergh...
     
    SINGING HER WOES!!!
     
    ...as the Cutie Mark Crusaders observe in pity. I would too if my bully's mom looked like that, but I digress. So, to help the bully, the CMC invite Tiara over to their clubhouse. Stuff happens, character development is attempted, but Pip can't pay for something or some shit, and the tragic filly with the tragic mother storms to sabotage Pip's victory as the Cutie Mark Crusaders try to stop her...
     
    THROUGH SONG!!!!
     

     
    Quick! Bore her to death with our bad lyricism and unfortunate melodies!
     
    They soon try to reason with Diamond Tiara without singing, but it's more ineffective than the musical number. However, when her mother, Spoiled Bitch Rich, shows up to the school, she confronts her mother about her douchebaggery, which gives the character a whole new completely forced sense of realization!
     
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    So, apparently, JUST LIKE THAT, Diamond Tiara proceeds with helping put up the, um, play yard, I guess. But no, this episode is above such laughable things like actually skipping to the point! We've done that with the important parts and now we have to fill out the void! We must commence another
     
    MUSICAL MONTAGE!
     

     
    You people are essentially my slaves! Back to work, n-
     
    Finally, everyone's friends again and the CMC be like, "WE SHUD HALP PPL WIT DER PR0BLMZ N C00TY MRKZ." And then, out of the goddamn clear blue sky...
     

    BLANK FLA-oh.
     
    And so they sing about that. The End.
     
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    What the fuck did I just watch?
     
    I've always been one to advocate that Diamond Tiara be fleshed out and that, most importantly, the Cutie Mark Crusaders finally get their cutie marks. I've been begging for this episode, folks. No. This isn't the episode I've been begging for. I know that I sound completely entitled, but it's not like I was expecting this episode to come OR these events to take place. I don't know if anyone else was in the loop that "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" was going to be the episode where the CMC got their Cutie Marks, but I had no idea that this was going to be it, and by the time it was over, all I could think was "Really? THAT'S how they decided to do it?"
     
    I didn't even realize until I just now decided to log back on to the MLP Forums that I'd been throwing around ideas for this episode for years, which just made me angrier that they didn't utilize the potential they were given and instead opted for such a sloppy way of ending this series-long arc. Have any of you noticed the cutie marks they received are JUST BARELY related to the talents they've been building on all series long?! Yeah, Sweetie Belle has a musical note in her mark, but she didn't realize she needed to sing to get it. Fuck Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, though, says the writers. Their cutie marks probably suggest their personalities, but it's very clear what the cutie marks represent - their unity in helping others find their special talent. That would be completely fine if that was built up at all prior. It wasn't. We've been lead to believe all series long that Sweetie Belle's cutie mark would regard singing, Scootaloo's talent would regard being a stuntmare (I've invented a word), and Apple Bloom's talent was making potions (probably), and then they throw this complete curve-ball for the sheer sake of keeping the Cutie Mark Crusaders together without any kind of conflict. That's not plot twists work.
     
    Remember that quote I kicked off this review with? That is completely, 100% better than what we got. I'm never one to talk at a show with the notion that "my idea is better," even when I strongly believe it is. I'll usually just say "I would preferred A & B rather than this, but whatever." No, I'm outright saying right to this episode's and right to this series that it royally fucked up this arc. That was the most anticlimactic piece of shit MLP: FiM has ever released, and all this happening under a clutter of subplots and absolutely boring musical numbers. This isn't "Simple Ways" bad, but this has got to be one of the sloppiest and poorly written episodes of recent memory, and especially of this season.
     
    To put things in perspective for you guys, this episode has completely demotivated me from watching future episodes of the series. The most recent episode of this show that I've watched is "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows" and that episode was just so completely 'okay' that I haven't found it in myself to continue the series. I haven't outright given up on this show, I'll watch them eventually, but it's a testament to the quality of this episode and the curve so far of this season. "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" is not only bad as a concept in its own right, but the musical numbers are atrociously bland and uninspired (again, Magical Mystery Cure was more tolerable than this, and that had MORE SONGS), there are subplots coming out the wazoo, and it was so terribly chosen as the episode to "wrap up" the CMC arc, and what's worse is that we still have a sixth season! I've never been so earnestly against another season of MLP despite my skepticism of season five. My skepticism was absolutely justified, and this episode proves that this show has absolutely nowhere to go anymore. Arcs are wrapping up for all of our characters so they're trying to force new ones in just to warrant a continued run time. This really should have been the last season, but no, we're getting another 26 episodes and a movie in 2017 . My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has worn out its welcome for me with this episode. I give "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" a 2/10.
     
    Status: Blank Flank.
     
    I started this review with a quote, so I'm going to end it with one. If you've ever read one of my previous reviews, this should be familiar:
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

    I'm sorry if you liked this episode, and/or if I sounded completely arrogant here, but I really felt the need to put this episode in its place in some sort of public manner. I really should review more good episodes. How many episodes have I given a positive rating on this blog? "Slice of Life?" That's it? I even complained about that!
     
    Humph. Well, it'd be easy to go back through this season and review what material is still relatively fresh. Like "Canterlot Boutique?" That one kicked all kinds of writing ass! I...guess I could exploit it...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    or maybe...maybe I should go...............all the way back?
     
    *turns in dramatic fashion to an image I found on Google of a bed and some products that don't belong to me*
     

     
    Well then.

    I had re-read my initial review and decided that I did a terrible job of talking about the serious problems. I sort of mention them and then trail off into "wasted potential" rants packed with incomplete sentences and sloppy grammar. I'm also keen on not editing what I post once it's out there unless it involves spelling errors, so...here comes this piece to fill in the void instead.
  5. PrymeStriker
    Previously on My Little Pony...
     
    ...bad stuff happened...
     
    ...cue the title sequence!
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen the premiere, you better run for your life if you can, little girl.
     
    So, on to part two of "Call of the Cutie Pox Markless Google Maps Chronicles." Where we left off (by the way, check out my review of part one by clicking here or some shit), Twilight and the Crickets got their cutie marks snagged by Sunlight Glimmsher and...actually, that's it.
     
    So the gang was stuffed in some house thing to listen to equality stuff for days on end as their new equal sign cutie marks slowly turn them into passionless mannequins. Kind of like people in real life. With that, Twilight then hatches a plan to send Fluttershy out into the town in an attempt to save the day and all that stuff, since she has been unnaturally easy going on this town and its ways and would be the most believable turn of the tide.
     

    OMG EQUAL SIGN COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT OMG
     
    Upon freedom, Fluttershy is asked by Starlight Glimmer about who exactly was interested in getting their cutie marks back. She is then swapped out for Party Favor as he takes the bullet for Sugar Belle and Night Glider. I ship nothing. Fluttershy later discovers two facts: Starlight Glimmer has taken her and her friends' cutie marks personally, and that she is covering up her cutie mark with makeup.
     

    Oh, you son of a bitch.
     
    The plan at this point is to get Starlight into a vulnerable enough position so that Fluttershy can expose her cutie mark and get the town to turn on her, thus foiling her plans and all that stuff. This plan almost fails, as Fluttershy throws a bucket of water at her and misses by this much. Good thing there's the droplet of doom, right?
     

    You are ugly when you're angry.
     
    So, as you'd imagine, the town turns on her and everyone tries to get their cutie mark back. Meanwhile, Starlight Glimmer followed Sonic's advise and "got out of there" with Twilight and the Beach Boys' cutie marks. In gratitude, our secondary characters of the hour team up to get those cutie marks back! Double Diamond, Party Favor, Sugar Belle, Night Glider/That-One-That-Appeared-For-Like-Twenty-Damned-Seconds-Before, GO!
     

    There's a reference in here somewhere...I just know it...
     
    Once Ski-Man, Ballon-Dude, Cake-Baker, and Dashie-Ripoff catch up to Starlight, they manage to foil her evil plans and everyone gets their freedom back! Twilight starts talking about some generic, sentimental friendship bullshit we've heard in practically every season premiere, finale, and movie of this series before Starlight gets about as tired of it as we are and escapes.
     

    Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy are at a kind of naughty angle there........................................................................................................
     
    And so, the day is saved, and Twilight talks about how each of her friends is part of her and she couldn't do it with out them and all that stuff, even though she barely did a damned thing in this episode, and they all celebrate with Sugar Belle's awesome cakes.
     

    "How many times are we going to force our friendship morals into these finales?" "Shh. Just let it happen."
     
    And so ends the season premiere. Well, what do I have to say about this opener as a whole? Well...it...happened.
     
    Listen, I had no high hopes for season five to begin with. Shows tend to fuck up big time around this point. It's an inevitable outcome that when shows go this long, quality declines. While the opener itself was okay, it's clear they're running out of opening and closing themes. Ever since season four/Equestria Girls, the end-all moral to the premieres and finales have been a very blunt and specific "Friendship is Magic." I wouldn't mind it too much in this opener if they didn't shove it down our throats. We didn't need the factory-generated friendship dialogue from Twilight to explain what was going on. We're not stupid. Kids aren't stupid. There was a strong underlying theme running through it already, and they had go and muck it up that way. I absolutely hate the prologue and epilogue to this two-part premiere. They're both clumsy, unnecessary, forced, and rushed to no end. Everything in the middle, however, is a standard "good" rating. I'm going to give part 2 the same rating I gave part 1, a 7/10. I can't say, however, that I'm very excited for the coming season. I sense it might result in a huge car crash. But what do I know? I'm not psychic...
     
    ...or am I?
  6. PrymeStriker
    *Posts one entry in 8 months*
     
    Oh, hi, I'm back-ish.
     
    So, why haven't I posted?
     
    I dunno.
     
    Why haven't I gone back and reviewed other episodes of the show?
     
    Because.
     
    Great, so the fifth season of MLP has finally aired. I'm ready for a seasons worth of disappointment, rehashed morals, and a 100th episode that will either win or fail. What better way to start of the season no one asked for with the episode that made everyone shrug? This...is...
     
    CUTIE MARKLESS!
     
    ...
     

     
    ...
     
    Allow me to visit Google real quick...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    Kay, well, this...is...
     
    THE CUTIE MAP!
     
    I better finish the review before they change the name again.
     
    This is a spoilers review. So, basically, if you haven't seen this episode(s) yet, fuck off.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    Go ahead, fuck off now...
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    I've got all day. Really.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    Eeyup.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
    So, we open up with the clumsiest finale recap ever from Rainbow Dash.
     

    "We found all six keys, defeated Tirek, and got this sweet castle!"
     

     
    Then, for some strange reason, we get a story setup that should've taken at least half of the first act to develop shoved into the prologue. Seriously, this is one of the quickest setups I've seen from this show. It breezes by everything in 10 seconds flat, and I hate it. It's a fucking TWO PARTER! How much time do you need to develop the rest of your story?!
     
    So, as much as you don't care, I accidentally clicked off page at this point and lost half of what I'm about to rewrite. I guess that's how much time they needed. Fuck me.
     
    So Twilight and friends are on their way to the town, and when they arrive, they f-hold on, shut up a minute. Is this ACTUALLY the first time Celestia was absent from a season premiere? Did they actually do that? I'm kinda impressed. Way to grow up and out, series!
     

    #LunarRepublic2015
     
    Anyway, when they arrive, they find that the town they've spontaneously decided to visit is about as normal as towns get. Pinkie Pie soon discovers that very fact is the problem...it's too normal. When the gang goes to investigate, they find that everyone shares an equal cutie mark as the townsfolk spit Windows boot-up messages at them.
     

    "Welcome! Would you like to upgrade to Windows 8?"
     
    We soon meet two of our secondary characters of the hour, Party Favor and Double Diamond, who seem all too pleased to meet Twilight and company. The ships have left the dock, my friends. Fanfic writers UNITE!
     

    "Tune in this Saturday, April 4th, for the season premiere of My Little Pony: Friendship is...oh...that's right now.....................um.....................Welcome! Would you like to upgrade to Windows 8?"
     
    With that, the White Horse that Laid Back told you not to ride and the Pinkie Pie OTP take Twilight and the Jackson 5 to meet Aria Blaze.
     
    Oh, I'm sorry, Starlight Glimmer.
     
    ...Starlight Glimmer...
     
    ...Sunset Shimmer...
     
    ...Starlight Glimmer...
     
    ...It's a conspiracy! Or laziness, but probably a conspiracy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111112
     

    "I'm here to look like Aria Blaze and be a plot device, and I'm all out of being a plot device. Actually, no I'm not. Welcome! Would you like to upgrade to Windows 8?"
     
    Starlight GIimmer then takes Twilight and the Wu Tang Clan on a tour of the town by breaking into song. Actually, come to think of it, the only song in the entire premiere. No Celestia and only one song? Sheesh, it's like I'm watching a completely different show!
     

    It's like a beauty pageant.
     
    After the song is through, Twilight and Maroon 5 decide they want to talk amongst themselves over muffins about the condition of this town, where they meet secondary character number three: Sugar Belt.
     
    What? It's Sugar Belle? What? That's not a "T" sound at the end of that name?
     
    ...
     
    Fine, then. Sugar Belle has Twilight and the Osmond Brothers meet her in the basement for some alone time, where, curiously, Party Favor and Night Glider are waiting as well. What, does Sugar Belle keep ponies in her basement or something?
     

    "Help us!" "She's trying to force feed us her muffins!"
     
    So, as it turns out, these three are interested in how ponies with different cutie marks could possibly click so well together, and are a bit too interested in the different kinds of cutie marks. New fetish for all you clopfic writers out there. They tell Twilight and the Rolling Stones about where Starlight Glimmer is keeping their cutie marks, so they go to investigate with hers truly leading the way. They soon find that it was a trap, and that Sunset Glimmer has come prepared to steal our heroines' cutie marks away!
     

    Worst...Road Trip...Ever!
     
    Starset Shlimmer succeeds in capturing their cutie marks, and we end part one with...
     
    CAPITILISM SYMBOLISMSZSZSZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111113
    #MLPConspiracy2015
     
    And so concludes Part 1 of this "epic" season opener. Since I'm busy/lazy, we will continue the review in another entry. However, I will post my thoughts on episode one right now. For the most part, part 1 is a nice enough episode. Through it's first, second, and third acts, the episode is paced okay. We establish the setting and the stakes pretty well and all that bullshit, but the setup to this adventure was absolutely terrible. They even make reference to how hastily they jumped into adventure in part two! What the hell is wrong with these people? I'm not talking about the characters, I'm talking about the writers. These idiots chucked everything at us coming right into the story when they could've better paced it by spreading it a little further into the first act and cutting off some fat of the rest of the episode. This really annoyed me, but I can't pin this one fuck-up on the entire episode. This is because the rest of the episode was engaging and passable enough. Overall, I give part 1 a 7/10. Will part 2 fare better than part 1? Will the writers force some factory-made friendship bullshit into the last two minutes? Will I stop making hashtags and various band references? Find out in the second half of...
     
    THE CUTIE MARKLESS CHRONICLE MAPS!
     
    Part 2 of this review coming on April 5th, 2035. Would you like to upgrade to Windows 8?
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