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  1. PrymeStriker
    It's a wonderful thing when your Hell Transporter works and you can come here in advance as opposed to the review starting without you. You can have delightful conversations with Hitler, help wipe out an entire race of people, and still make it back in time for Pinkie Pie's Pony Parties. Speaking of Pinkie Pie, this episode has her shit written all over it. "A Friend in Deed". So let's not delay, and crack into what "A Friend in Deed" a friend in needs.
     
    *LAUGH TRACK* LOL THAT WAS TEN TIMES BETTUR THAN "GRIFFON THE FUCK OFF" LELELE *LAUGH TRACK SUM MOR*
     
    Spoilers ahead.
     
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    What? I told you there were spoilers ahead. You idiots don't listen!
     
    So this one opens up with Pinkie Pie putting on some shitty 80's electronic gym music so that she can put on some shitty 80's clothing and do some shitty 80's shit. Actually, she is trying to make the twins laugh again. But her 80's shit doesn't work on those millennial motherfuckers and are instead amused by her sitting on some jacks. Comedy genius. Next, they're going to laugh at a stick being broken in half. After the title sequence gives me stage 4 lung cancer, we see Pinkie Pie strolling through the town greeting all the citizens. When asked how she remembers everything about everyone, she explains that she enjoys seeing people die smile. A very obscure musical number ensues.
     


    Hey! Look! Transfomers: Prime Season 2 premieres tonight at 8:30/5:30p! 
    As you see at the end of that song, Pinkie Pie meets a piss-angry donkey that isn't having two teaspoons of that pink pony's shit. After we learn that his name is Rhinox "Cranky Doodle Donkey", Pinkie Pie sings a short song that she's "never met [him] but [he's her] new friend and [she's his] best friend Pinkie Pie." It didn't rhyme, so it got poor reviews from contemporary music critics. However, contemporary music critics can kill themselves...except for Todd in the Shadows. You're not allowed to die. Anyways, after Cranky tells Pinkie to eat shit, Pinkie Pie reviews the steps to making instant best friends, although something went wrong. Well, I'm sure Derpy would know what went wrong.
     

    Great, now the PC SJW Tumblr cuntlickers are censoring My Little Pony too! What's next?! Teletubbies are too violent?!
     
    Pinkie Pie is determined to make Cranky Doodle Donkey lighten the fuck up. Small talk doesn't work, so she whips out the "Welcoming Wagon" and sings a little "Welcoming Song." Wow, three songs, 10 minutes in, and none of them are annoying? This is a miracle! However, the "Welcoming Wagon" shoots Cranky's wig off, and Pinkie Pie, thinking it's a spider, smashes it into oblivion. That's when Pinkie goes to the rooftops and shouts around asking if anyone has a toupee. Because as she yelled, "THIS DONKEY IS REALLY, REALLY BAAALDD." This gets Ponyville to laugh a bit and piss Cranky off even more. Pinkie Pie is doing an incredible job. A+.
     

    He is really, really bald, though....
     
    Pinkie Pie now quests to make it up to Cranky, first by taking him to the spa. That sort of....doesn't work...ish. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie gets a new hairpiece for Cranky from Rarity. It's probably been used in cosplay by her many "clients" in the prostitution business, and it's probably infested with crab lice. But Cranky seems to like it, apparently, so GG. However, while the donkey is starting to warm up, there's still no smile. So Pinkie Pie plots to visit Cranky at his house, where he is unpacking. There she spots a snowglobe she likes, but Cranky mentions that he got that there globe in Manehattan, where he was looking for a "friend". Was it Blue from Blue's Clues? You have to look for the paw prints you amateur. That's how you fucking play! Actually, I was incorrect, this was a "special friend" that Cranky's referring to. Before we can get further clarification, Pinkie Pie accidentally sets this photo album on fire.
     

    For fuck's sake, Pinkie! Before you attempt firebending, you must first learn water and earth!!!
     
    Cranky gets cranky again and tells Pinkie Pie to lick a cactus, and that he'll never be her friend. Pinkie Pie consults Twilight on the issue; you know, the anti-social one. Both she and Rainbow Dash tell Pinkie Pie that she's just going to have to accept that she can't be friends with everybody. She says that she will do this.....right after he accepts her apology. Twilight subsequently facebooks. Get it? Facebook? I'm the fucking God of comedy. Anyways, Pinkie Pie skips to Cranky's house where a chase scene ensues. While she gets to apologize, Cranky refuses to accept it and Pinkie insists on acceptance. As they run and skadoodle all over Equestria, Cranky explains that Pinkie destroyed the only thing he had of remembering "her". Pinkie Pie ponders this piss for a bit, and then returns to the donkey with a surprise.
     

    Hey! Look! It's that ass that asked Pinkie Pie that creepy question earlier!
     
    Turns out that one-line mule wasn't such a one-off character. It's Matilda, the "special friend" that Cranky has been searching for. An explanation and a little backstory ensues, but no one gives ten fucks. Or at least I don't care enough to tell any of you. Essentially, they have the same scrapbook and they met each other in the year 1492 and someone can't read notes for shit. The end. After some loving and a kiss from Matilda, Cranky Doodle Donkey finally smiles and accepts Pinkie Pie as his friend, which sends Pinkie Pie flying several miles into the air somehow.
     

    I don't want to know where those explosives have been stored.
     
    Cranky and Matilda say they want some peace and quiet, likely to screw each other nuts. So Pinkie Pie obliges...almost. And that concludes "A Friend in Deed".
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    This has long been one of my favorite episodes from the series. As you might imagine, my overall opinion is that it's very enjoyable. However, it's got a strong message of "you can't befriend everyone", which is something the show nowadays seems to completely neglect. Pinkie Pie is also particularly entertaining in this episode as she is in most, but unlike many stories involving one-off characters, Cranky Doodle is actually a good supporting role. The way he and Pinkie Pie bounce off each other in this one is miles better than any forgettable one-off from season four or five that has the personality of an X-ACTO knife. Even the songs are enjoyable in this one, and there's three of those motherfuckers! Needless to say, this episode is an excellency, and I'm very proud to give "A Friend in Deed" a 10/10 as a result.
     
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    Well, that was very pleasant.
     
    This episode has put me in a pretty good mood. And, of course, my favorite thing to do when I'm in a good mood is slowly detach the limbs of helpless cattle and use them as clubs to beat my children with. Therefore, it's time to make those mistakes of mine pay for being born. Until next time, take care!
  2. PrymeStriker
    *Saves Vwarp Draft*-uckin' anus.
     
    ...
     
    Ah, this place ag-*VWARP*
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    *VWARP*-enis in my drink?!
     
    ...
     
    Son of a motherfu-*VWARP*
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    *VWARP* ALRIGHT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH THIS SATANIC TECHNOLOGY! *THROWS HELL TRANSPORTER AT WALL*
     
    Damned pricks. Weekly Wife Slaughtering Ceremonies back home are not worth all this constant frantic teleportation shit. I've been to the stone age and the stoner age and back here again, plus, I've even seen the future. Yes, Trump built that wall. You're all screwed. Still, while I'll miss Happytown, I think I'd rather stay here on the forums than deal with all of that, at least until I find the tool to fix everything. So, in the meantime, let's review another episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, shall we?
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "Hearts and Hooves Day", ...
     
    ... oh, shit, wait, I forgot to mention, we're reviewing "Hearts and Hooves Day"...
     
    Okay, so where was I? Ah, yes. This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "Hearts and Hooves Day", then you're...Hearts and Hooves...Gay....
     
    Nailed it.
     
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    This episode opens up with the CMC...........ergh, control yourself, Pryme..............making a Hearts and Hooves Day card for Cheerilee. Good idea, kids! Let's feed into the pedophile's lust. Sweetie Belle mentions that Hearts and Hooves Day only comes once a year. You know what I can't help thinking when some stupid fuck says something like this? NO SHIT. EVERY HOLIDAY COMES ONCE A YEAR YOU WEED-ROLLING CORPSE LICKER! Meanwhile, this shit exists:
     

    Are those supposed to be horseshoe-prints, or boners extruding from some sap's fluffy pants?
     
    After the title sequence resets me to virgin status, Cheerilee thanks the children for the card and proceeds to molest them mentions that she doesn't have a special somepony. You see, a special somepony is someone who you get attached to who will waste all your money and eventually hold you back from accomplishing your dreams. However, at least you're allowed to bang. Otherwise, the CMC decide to take matters into their own hands and find Ms. Cheerilee a very special somepony! However, as the fairly decent musical montage tells us, all the good stallions are taken. Boy, is that true as ever....at least....for the reversed gender in my case. Just my luck. Alright, I'm not gonna sap about my lack of a special someone all day, because Sweetie Belle chose Big Mac as Cheerilee's lover. Ooooh, this is gonna be juicy!
     

    Goddammit, Big Mac. You're bedroom-eyeing a fucking tree. More shipping ponies with inanimate objects I see. Shipping #817....
     
    So the CMC put a plot in motion to get Big Mac and Cheerilee to fuck go on a romantic picnic. First they get Cheerilee to identify an apple tree and bait Mac to fix a gazebo. But the plot twist is: the gazebo's already fixed up in gay-looking lace and there's a beautiful picnic under it. The CMC quickly screw off as they put on a romantic record no doubt done by some hick-ass pop singer from the 60's like Andy Williams. However, the event doesn't blow over smoothly and the two of them walk away forever in the friend zone. Unsuccess.
     

    I mean, at least eat the food. It's just sitting there.
     
    That's when the CMC bump into Twilight, who's reading a book about how the holiday began with a love potion. They soon manage to round up the ingredients and make a love potion for the two of them. This is initially a success, but things get out of hand very quickly. They start giving each other cheesy nicknames! Oh, the humanity! Wait...humanity? No, no, no, that's in the future. Oh, the horsity? Quadrupedity? Fuckity fuck me. The two of them start going insane with their "love" as the CMC realized they screwed up real bad. They gave them a love poison. Once they realize that the school and the apple farm will suffer from what they'd done, the objective turns from getting them together to keeping them away from each other for an hour. How scrumptious.
     

    That is Sweetie Belle's virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before they do.
     
    However, this proves to be more of a challenge then they thought. That poison is really working its voodoo magic here, because these two are so insanely bonded that they start pulling all kinds of shit just to look into each others eyes. Hi-jinx ensue as Sweetie Belle decides the two of them should get married. Why? Because if they're getting ready for the wedding, they'll be away from each other for at least a full hour. And we all know what goes down during those bachelor parties. I mean....I wouldn't..........................................................................................this starts not working as shit like this happens:
     

    Realistically, Cheerilee would be drenched in blood right now.
     
    The chase is on to get these two away from each other before the stroke of quarter-day! They have managed to keep the two occupied for 50 minutes at least so far, but then Big Mac starts physically hauling houses and, well, you saw the above screenshot. There's only a minute to win it and it's all on the line, but Big Mac shouts "SHMOOPEY-DOO" or something and Cheerilee heeds the call. Will they two meet up before the spell is able to be broken? Will the CMC be in some deep-ass trouble? Will I magically contract syphilis after I post this? The answer to all of those is...YES!
     

    Is...a divorce in order?
     
    The CMC learn that you can't force love and get to take over Big Mac's chores as a punishment. Big Mac and Cheerilee also fuck with the children a little bit by doing the shmoopey-doo stuff. How charming. So concludes "Hearts and Hooves Day".
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I find this episode hilarious, honestly. It's clever, engaging, and an overall joy. Even the song is fairly decent while still not being in my Top 5. I don't think this episode has the strongest morals or the most important character development as I give most of my favorite episodes, but perhaps the comedy and the events just work out enough on their own! It wouldn't be the first time I gave such a high rank to a less-important episode, so let it be known. I give "Hearts and Hooves Day" a full 10/10, as it is indeed something I recommend to people who want to watch an excellent MLP episode. Nice work, ambiguous third party!
     
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    What a great little episode about love.
     
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    Love.....
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    THAT'S IT!
     
    How could I be so ignorant! I've been trying so many different ways to fix the Hell Transporter when I forgot the most important ingredient in its repair! LOVE! Everyone knows that transporters to Satan's realm are powered by love! But the question still stands...what kind of love does it need?
     

     
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    *SODOMIZES BATTERY COMPARTMENT*
     

    IT'S FIXED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. PrymeStriker
    *SNAP*SHIT my headphones broke!
     
    You've got to be kidding me. How the hell am I going to produce my music, let alone listen to my audio books from Audible where I can choose from over 100,000 of the best sellers for a 30 day free trial?!
     
    Son of a bitch. At least we have "Read It and Weep" to cheer me up....barely. So, friends, fuck me as we get delve into this spoilers review of a fan favorite.
     
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    So this episode opens up with Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and aspic watching Rainbow Dash fly around all douche-like. Then she crashes and dies. The end.
     
    ...
     
    Well, that's half true, at least. She didn't crash, she just died.
     
    ...
     
    Anyways, after the insufferable piece of shit title sequence, we arrive at the hospital where Rainbow Dash is waking up from being dead. That's when Dr. Basic Name tells her friends she'll be fine and proceeds to give 0 fucks. Dash has to stay in the hospital for a few days, which pisses her off. But Twilight thinks "HEY! I'll impose my interests on someone else!" like a typical purple pony and gives Rainbow Dash a Daring Do book. She in turn calls Twilight an egghead. Rainbow Dash -- master of insults. I've got one that I'm sure won't compare, but... "This is my rifle, this is my gun, suck on both and pull their triggers."
     

    ​Didgeridoo and the Clit of the Sad Fire Store. A classic book.
     
    As Twilight and Asswipes Inc. leave Rainbow Dash to rot, she partakes in many boring activities. Finally, she decides "meh, I'll read this book thing." She starts to actually like it once she finds out the main character is much like herself. Until "Daring Don't" fucks this whole episode royally, but I digress. We then get a first-hand look at the events of the book as they are presented to us in film form. Because film adaptions of books always turn out fantastic. At least MLP thinks it's good enough to compete. Some action shit happens and Rainbow Dash realizes that, although she would hate to admit it to her friends, she loves the story. An analogy for the MLP fandom? Probably yes. The fanservice has been stockpiling since "The Last Roundup."
     

    Shipping #492 confirmed.
     
    That's when Twilight and Fluttershy show up to play board games. Dash tirelessly tries to get rid of them so she can continue reading. Once she finally gets them to kill themselves, we get to see more of the Daring Do story that I refuse to describe. I'm not describing a story within a story. Fuck you. That's of course, when Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and aspic come to visit. Rainbow Dash kills them all with Rapid Fire Sniper Rifles and attempts to finish the book once again, but she was checked out of the hospital before she could finish, leaving the book inside. A new problem arrives: how will she finish reading the story? Uh, here's a good idea...
     
    Buy
     
    the
     
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    BOOK.
     
    Or are books as seasonal as cider around here?! Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash decides to get sick again so she can check back in to the hospital. Doesn't work.
     

    Fellatio. -- Winner of the Clever Caption Awards 2012
     
    So when that doesn't work, she decides the next best option is to buy the damn book sneak into the hospital at night and get it. She initially succeeds until the patient who now resides in Rainbow Dash's place calls security. A chase sequence much like the one that happened in Daring Do persists until she is caught bird hoofed. That's when conveniently all of her friends are around to hear her explanation. Twilight agrees to lend Rainbow Dash her copy, showing the jock that there was nothing to be ashamed of and
    . Spike chimes in to say "Yeah! I mean, just look at me!" and proceeds to kiss his muscles before Rainbow Dash and Twilight give him a confused look, leading him to walk away without word. This got a genuine laugh out of me because it wasn't overplayed like most "yeah, just like me" jokes. There wasn't some pizzicato string pluck followed by over-exaggerated "isn't he/she stupid" responses from the opposing characters. It's just a dead look and a dull walk away. GG, MLP. 

    I had to take this picture myself because no one else appreciates the genius.
     
    In the end, Rainbow Dash got to finish her story and everyone else came back to life I guess. And so concludes "Read It and Weep"
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I actually really enjoy this episode. It's a great development episode for Rainbow Dash, it's got great comedy, and it's very fun to follow along with. Sure, does "Daring Don't" shit on this experience? Yes, but I don't think it's "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" bad that it shatters everything that's good about what came before it. I still love "Read It and Weep" despite some of its flaws. This is a fan-favorite episode, and I can see why. People probably relate to the parallels of watching MLP for the first time. I don't, because once again, I could give 7 dicks whether someone approves of my media taste, but what's so great about it remains there. Is this the best episode of the season? No, but I'm still giving "Read It and Weep" a solid 9/10. Beautiful jobs.
     
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    Well now I have two things to fix. First, my Hell Transporter is on the fritz, and now my headphones clean snap in two. (Seriously, though, they did snap. Fuucckk). This is going to be a serious chore.
     
    ....
     
    Unlesss...
     
    *DOES SCIENCY TECHNOLOGY FUSION THINGY WITH TRANSPORTER AND HEADPHONES*
     
    Eureka! I've cured everything!
     
    ...
    Well, I still don't have headphones, but I think the Hell Transporter won't teleport me at random anymore! Let's give it a second.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    HUZZAH, IT W-*VWARP*
  4. PrymeStriker
    *VWARP*And that's why Synergetic is a royal sack of shit ass balls.
     
    ...
     
    *sigh* I need to get this damned Hell Transporter repaired. I can't go on like this.
     
    *checks time*
     
    What? This piece of shit sent me to Friday at 2:00 AM?! You've got to be kidding me! I'm not reviewing an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic at 2:00 in the MORNING!!! Kill yourself!
     
    *VWARP*
     
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    *VWARP*-ell "Meadow" isn't complete shit. 'Nor is "Convect---"
     
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    NO! WHAT?! NO!
     
    Why is this piece of shit controlling my location! I am the human (sometimes), therefore I control everything! I'm American and I'm entitled!!!
     
    ...
     
    Wait, those two words are the same.
     
    Anyways, back to me yelling at machines. What are you so eager for me to do that you have to drag me to Friday at 2:00 AM?!
     

     
    ...Oh, okay. Cool.
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, have a toxic glass of cider.
     
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    This episode opens up with Fluttershy being rudely interrupted at a very early time of day. Kind of like I was, come to think of it. Except, instead of the disturbance being from an insolent, poorly built, piercingly annoying piece of shit machine, it is instead from an insolent, poorly built, piercingly annoying piece of shit character! Rainbow Dash! And what's the special occasion? Rainbow Fucker wants to get to some place early to be in line for the apple cider! Applejack make some good SIDDER BOOTIFUL MUSICS HARPLEJARKLE. *AHEM* Sorry, that still happens on occasion. So she tears that blanket off of Fluttershy a-
     
    ...
     
    Oh no...
     
    THE FANSERVICE CONTINUES!!!
     

    Damn you have some tiny tits.
     
    Unfortunately, Rai*Saves Draft*nbow Dash is too late, as Pinkie Pie and several other addicted asswipes are already in line for the cider. Moving swiftly passed the intro, Applejack finally announces that cider season has officially begun! However, while everyone and their grandmother's lesbian partner is here to get wasted off this cider, a couple of vaudeville rejects are here for another reason. To sell their own products. And at perfect time, too, as Rainbow Dash and the rest of this cunt town get angry over the Apple Family running out of cider. Before Applejack can fully defend the "care" that goes into making this shit, our campy gaylords tell the ponies that they have opportunity in their community, as the world famous Flim Flam brothers present their unbelievable, unimpeachable, indispensable, I-can't-believable, Flim Flam Brothers' Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000!
     


     
    After a COMPETENT MLP song plays, what a fucking rarity that is, the Flim Flam brothers attempt to make a deal with the Apples. But they refuse, because they're shitheads, and the Film Flam brothers decide it's time to make enemies of the Apple family. What the hell kind of name is "Flim Flam brothers" anyway? Are they named "Flim Flim" and "Flam Flam", or "Flim Flam" and "Flam Flim"? Because it's like saying the Jackson brothers are the Jackie-Tito-Jermaine-Marlon-Michael-Randy Brothers. It just doesn't work. But fuck it, a cider war is going on. How delicious. Literally!
     

    To put things into perspective, Granny Smith is some new wave feminist from Tumblr complaining about her first world problems that don't exist, and the Flim Flam brothers are me not giving 7 fucks and a royal runny shit after I've made some kind of generic "why aren't you in the kitchen" joke.
     
    So to prevent being put out of business (ah, yes, remember how concerned Applejack was about her family business LAST EPISODE when she fucking RAN AWAY over coming in SECOND PLACE? Yeah, she suddenly cares now), the Apples agree to some kind of cider-off or something to compete for the best-tasting alcohol. After a half-assed training montage, the Mayor announces the games, stating that the winner will be the sole provider of cider for all of Ponyville. Isn't that a monopoly? Aren't monopolies, like, shitty? Isn't having a variety more democratic? Is democracy even a thing in this fucked up universe? I have a headache, and the Apple family's having a cow.
     

    Applejack's going to need some HARDCORE celery after this.
     
    Even at the top of their game, however, the Apples aren't making enough cider to the Flim Flam brothers' ratio. Why are they basing this contest off of who can make more cider? Shouldn't it be which cider tastes better? Or better yet, NOT HAVE A GODDAMNED MONOPOLY OF CIDER IN THIS TOWN?! Anyways, Twilight asks the Mayor if "honorary family members" can help, in which case she asks the Flim Flam brothers for approval. They don't care, so it's the rest of the main cast to the rescue as they help the Apples make their booze. They're soon making five barrels to the brothers' three, so the Flim Flam Fucks decide to double the power, which leads to a bunch of "bad apples" passing through their system. In the end, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy outdid our main characters, but unfortunately, their cider tastes like rotting corpses in the Ganges River. Ponyville rejects.
     

    Bon-Bon, or Sweetie Drops, whatever the dipshit her name is now, has that "I'd like to speak to your manager" hairdo.
     
    The Flam Flim Flicks decide to GTFO M8 and move on to the next town after they're booed. And in the end, it is the Apples that are chosen as the main source of cider for this god-forsaken town. And since they've made so much, there's plenty to go around! Except for Rainbow Dash. Fuck her. Meanwhile, Applejack writes a letter to Princess Celestia about how she didn't learn anything and that she was right all along. And hence a fantastic moral for children that you don't have to learn jack shit, right? I mean, I made that conclusion because I totally lack a sense of humor. I'm totally not mocking anyone. Totally. Oh, shit, CHEERS!
     

    Sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows your name!
     
    And that was "The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000"!
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I like this episode. It's got a really great song in it, the Flim Flam brothers are thoroughly entertaining, and unlike some other humorless fans, I take great pleasure in Applejack's "I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING" line. People often mistake this for there being a lack of a moral, even though Applejack literally told one immediately after that line, but fuck it I suppose. I do have a couple of problems with this episode, though. Like, why is there a monopoly for cider? It's not a government, it's a goddamn drink. Why can't there be more than one in a single town? Also, I kind of didn't care for the resolve, not because it was bad, it just wasn't fulfilling. I guess the same could be said for this whole conflict, but screw it. I still like "The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000", and I think it deserves an 8/10.
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, now I'm tired. Writing reviews at...what is it...3:00 AM now? How stimulating. It's not very fun, but I knew I wouldn't have time tomorrow to do jack shit other than work and date Joan Rivers in Hell, so I guess this fucking transporter decided "you better do this early before you delay another one." Still, this thing is very buggy. I'm going to have to fix it before it transports me here in the middle of pleasuring my lord. I'd get Zuko's punishment ten-fold....in the anus.
     
    Anyw*VWARP*
  5. PrymeStriker
    *VWARP* Sure, Joan Rivers. I'm not doing anything this Friday!
     
    ...
     
    SHIT I do reviews on Friday.
     
    *checks date*
     
    SHIT it's Saturday Sunday.
     
    *checks episode*
     
    SHIT it's "The Last Roundup"
     
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    Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit.
     
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    So this episode opens up with Appleshit practicing for some rodeo, with her good sister Shittle Bloom cheering her on, hoping that she'll once again bring home the title of Equestria Rodeo Champion. No pressure. Then we move on to Rainbow Shit teaching Derpy Shit how to shit a brick. Also, fan favorite speaking role? Dear God. The fanservice begins.....
     
    THE FANSERVICE BEGIhey, Netflix has the "censored" version of this episode.
     
    The...bastards?
     

    That hoe [gardening tool] is probably fried AF.
     
    After we get some terribly edited horrible voice acting, we move to a bunch of nitpunks in the town square chanting Appleshit's name. As if, you know, there's nothing better to do. Eh, this is Equestria. Of course there's nothing better to do. They're getting ready to send Appleshit to the competition when Shitty Pie demands a speech from her disciple. She delivers: "This is worst send-off anyone could ask for. The food was terrible, and I think Combustion Man died. Regardless, since some of you pedophiles have been cheerin' me on since I was a little pony, I see it's only fittin', to use my winnin', to wipe my sittin' pittin' while I'm shittin'. Y'all gettin' what I'm spittin'? Time for you all to die." What a fitting speech for a celery addict.
     

    D'aww, a rehabilitation reject!
     
    Meanwhile, at the train station, Granny Shit, Shitty Pie, Shitlight Sparkle, Fluttershit, and other humans are there to bid their best wishes to the apple one. Then the episode ends.
     
    ...
     
    I wish.
     
    More things happen. The other humans plan a surprise party for Appleshit, but she sends a letter saying she's not returning to Ponyville. Well, crap. I guess the Apple Market's going to Hell. Aren't apples like, one of their main sources of food? What if the town starves to death? Granny Shit can't run the farm, Shit Mac can't do it on his own, and FFFFFFUCK Apple Bloom. That's right, I've already grown tired of adding "Shit" to everyone's name. But I digress. Ponyville's sure to crumble now. But don't worry. It's up to the other five retarded ponies to SAVE THE DAY!
     

    RIP Ponyville (2010-2012)
     
    They first go to the rodeo in Canterlot and ask the cleanup crew "WHAT THE FUCK?", but to no avail. Then, a miracle happens: someone recognizes her after everyone's tired of trying and is ready to commit suicide, and points them to some remote town in the middle of nowhere. Pinkie Pie's really gotta piss at this point. Like, they make that abundantly clear. She's REALLY got to PISS. Pinkie's gnat-sized bladder, however, led her to find Applejack coming out of an outhouse. That's when Applejack lets her new slave owner, Cherry Jubilee, explain her new job. She works at a cherry factory now. Cherryjack? Sounds like Appleshit.
     

    Shipping #207 is formed.
     
    Applejack subsequently tells her former friends to fuck their feathers. That's when the rest of the gang get jobs as Applejack's cherry sorters to try and squeeze information out of her. An I Love Lucy sketch rip-off ensues, and no information is revealed. It's time to call in the big guns. LORD PINKIE PIE. The other Autobots get Pinkie Pie to ramble on for hours, annoying the hell out of Applejack until she promises to reveal why she's not coming back. Oh, but not just any promise. A PINKIE promise. Oh shit. You KNOW what happens when you break a PINKIE promise. INSTANT SODOMY. Unfortunately, our fellow celery addict breaks a Pinkie Promise by leaving town before she can "spill the beans". Shit's about to get extremely grotesque.
     

    HOLY MOTHERFUCK. O_O
     
    The chase is on to get to Applejack before she can escape! Hijinx ensues with Pinkie Pie batshit insane. I think Armageddon is here. Or was that the Crystalling? I don't remember my own fiction anymore. However, Applejack soon explains that she said she would reveal all at breakfast, but she didn't come to breakfast. This is enough for Pinkie to screw off, and her trust exercise with Rarity leads to both of them getting knocked off their group chariot. If Applejack's going through this much complicated shit just to not tell what happened at the rodeo, surely something DREADFUL must've happened. Like, she was responsible for someone's death or something. Right? NO. She just fucking came in 2ND PLACE.
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    WHEN THE FUCK DID APPLEJACK TURN INTO RAINBOW DASH?!?!?
     

    You've got to be kidding me. We wasted 22 minutes on this?!
     
    In the end, her friends tell her, essentially, "don't be a little shit", in the sappiest way possible, and then Applejack writes a stupid letter to Princess Celestia. So concludes "The Last Roundup".
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    That was the most unsatisfying revelation, conclusion, or whatever, of season two. Even shit-storm "Secret of My Excess" didn't have such a "screw you" ending. I mean, sure I get it, Applejack didn't want to disappoint the town after everyone was counting on her. But for fuck's sake, they went through SO MUCH just to get to that revelation. And was it worth it?! No! They made up right there in the desert and everything was suddenly okay! Now, that said, I don't hate this episode. Why? Because Pinkie Pie is thoroughly entertaining in every conceivable way. From her indifference to there being a speech to her Cherry Chonga rants, she was a true success in this plotline of failure. Doesn't save the whole episode, though. I'm going to give "The Last Roundup" a 6/10. Moving swiftly forward.
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    ...
     
    So, that's about it.
     
    ...
     
    Oh, did you want a real explanation on why there was no Friday review? I was busy. I didn't have any time, honestly. Also, I had forgotten by the end of it all, so there was nothing I could do by the time I realized it. This doesn't mean a schedule change, though. Your regularly scheduled programming will return next Friday.
     
    ...
     
    That is, if I'm not dating Joan Rivers in Hell on Friday. You know, once dead people become demons, some of them look really hot. And that's not just a pun on the temperature down there. Like, they're smokin'. Who knew Joan Rivers would be one of them? Well, time for me to get my ding thing going. See y'all next revVVV*VWARP*
  6. PrymeStriker
    *VWARP* -nd I think I might've shattered her ovaries in the process.
     
    ...
     
    Why does this Hell Transporter teleport me to the MLP Forums at the absolute worst times?
     
    Ugh, sorry, since I've cut down on my review schedule, I've decided to take weekly trips back home in the intermission. I was just telling cousin Kim Jong-il of my zany adventures meeting Emma Stone in 2022, but I shan't repeat the climactic and erotic story because we have a much more interesting episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic to review. "Baby Cakes"! I remember quite liking this episode back in the day, so let's see how much I can rape my childhood. Venture forth!
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "Baby Cakes"....err....get a....babysitting job?
     
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    I'm way too shit at these spoiler warnings since the hiatus.
     
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    This episode opens up with all six of the mentally challenged retarded characters we follow in this show waiting to see Mr. and Mrs. Cake's new baby. Sorry, babies. They got twins. Neither of which are earth ponies. The boy thing is a pegasus and the girl one is a unicorn. I'm just gonna say it: Mrs. Cake might've beaten Rarity's record of being the biggest slut in Ponyville if she managed to give birth to twins of different species that neither she nor her husband are among. Busy, busy cake. Anyway, Pinkie Pie keeps trying to celebrate but is constantly told to shut the fuck up.
     

    Rebellion against the First Church of Cupcakes? Infidels are obliterated.
     
    A month later, Pinkie Pie plays with the babies while the parents do other work things. However, when the cakes realize they have a huge order to deliver today, they set out to find a babysitter. They first try Fluttershy, but she's taking Angel McShitface on a picnic. They then ask Twilight, but she's got to write useless things to Princess Celestia. Applejack is unavailable when there's a swarm of hungry caterpillars coming to destroy her farm. Because that's the solution. Have the caterpillars starve to death! They also try Rainbow Dash, but she has tickets to the Wonderbolts, so she tells 'em to fuck off. Finally, Rarity just said "no." I'm not even fucking joking, she doesn't have any other reason for not babysitting other than "no." What, does she have too many rocket-cleaning clients on her schedule?! Ergghhh. All the while, Pinkie Pie keeps attempting to take the job as the Cakes reasonably ignore her...until they have no choice...
     

    I would surely entrust my children to someone making that face to me! Right after I report them to the police.
     
    And so it is set. Pinkie Pie will watch the demon children in their parents' absence. Everything goes smoothly, yes? No, the fuckers start crying instantly. I'm going to recommend the same solution I did when Flurry Heart started the Crystalling. Murder them. Sure, you'll loose your job and go to jail, but at least the world is spared of the nuisance that is infancy! And that, my friend, is the best service you could offer. Unfortunately, being the messiah type that Pinkie Pie is, she decides to put on a show to stop the children from crying. First she tells shit jokes, just like someone else we know. Then she sings a shit song. Nothing works of course, until FLOUR POWER.
     

    OH MY GOD! IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON! HE IS ALIVE!!!!!
     
    Unfortunately, the flour thing seems to be the only thing that'll keep them at bay, and that's almost impossible to continue in all circumstances. The babies refuse to eat, take baths, or change their diapers. I mean, that happens when they turn 12, too, but it drives Pinkie Pie to drink in this situation. Many hi-jinx ensue, and the babies cause a series of problems such as food mess, nudity, and nuclear warfare. Thankfully, Pinkie Pie managed to stop Ponyville from obliterating Canterlot offscreen just in time for her messiah to show up for some aid. Twilight Sparkle is here to save the day!
     

    Quick! Use some of your atheist magic to save the day! And HURRY!
     
    Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie soon gets offended like a third-wave hipster dumbass cunt fuck from Tumblr when Twilight talks about her inability to watch over children. So she turns away Twilight's assistance to resume doing things on her own. This is Pinkie Pie's best decision of all time, clearly. More problems arise when the babies start exhibiting their birth race power things. Pumpkin Cake exhibits magical levitation shit and Pound Cake can fly. Explosions and car chases proceed, but the chaos finally breaks Pinkie Pie and she starts to whine like the children once did. In this role reversal, it is now time for the babies to harness the power of flour.
     

    THE MICHAEL JACKSONS! THEY MULTIPLY!!!!
     
    After Pinkie Pie finally gets the twins down for a nap, she writes a letter to Princess Celestia about the hard work of children and what not. Well perhaps you should've thought about that before telling Twilight to screw off. When the Cakes finally get home and see that their house isn't in flames, they ask Pinkie Pie to be their go-to babysitter on a regular basis. Initially, Pinkie Pie says "fuck you ya cunts, you can go jump in a hot flaming bowl of flat acid before I ever babysit your devil-ass children again!!1!" But then the twins say her name and suddenly she's available next Tuesday. Let's say...9AM-ish?
     

    "Next time I babysit...they're dead."
     
    And so concludes "Baby Cakes".
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I actually remember loving this episode a lot back in the day. It was an example of the perfect episode from season two. Upon further inspection, I do really like this one. It's got a great depiction of Pinkie Pie, some on-point comedy, and the twins aren't too annoying either. However, I did end up having one complaint by the end. I felt the moral was too rushed. Like, we see how much trouble the twins are and what not, but Pinkie Pie doesn't exactly have a turning point when she realizes this in a timely manner. It was an off-hand remark in the middle, more hi-jinx, some crying, and then suddenly "I know all the answers". I felt it might have been better if Pinkie Pie had turned back to Twilight for help by the end of the episode so that the lesson seemed more realistically learned. Still a fantastic episode regardless. I give it a 9/10. How delicious.
     
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    Midway through season two, are we? Excellent. Just thirteen more episodes until we get to do season three....
     
    ...thirteen....more weeks....
     
    ....of ponies....
     
     
     
     
     
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    Ugghh. I'm going back to Hell now. These trips are going to be necessary to maintain my sanity. Whatever's left of it, that is. See the other half of you all in the next review. So like I was saying...*VWARP*
  7. PrymeStriker
    *VWARP* ...and that's the story of how I sodomized Adolf Hitler.
     
    ...
     
    Wait, what?
     
    Aw, FUCK, I'm here again!
     
    How do I reverse the polarity on this thing?! Send me back! Send me back!
     
    *WARPS TO EQUESTRIA*
     
    ....
     
    *VVVVWARP*
     
    GOD NO, THAT WAS TEN TIMES WORSE.
     
     
     
    *sigh* Fine, I guess I'm back. If you're wondering what I did in my time off, I visited many places. Shortly after I had my April Fools sanity freeze, I went back home. Where I'm from, it's a furnace practically all year 'round, so I managed to melt that shit and become my cynical bastard 'ol self again. In fact, I took a couple pictures for a postcard to my mother. She'll be so pleased seeing me enjoying myself back at home. What do you think of it?
     

     
    God I miss that place.
     
    Anyways, since I've come back, I've heard season six is moving along with itself. That's nice. Now to review a time when the show was actually half decent. What are we, on episode 12? "Family Appreciation Day"? Ooh, beautiful. Despite my genocidal thoughts, family is a pretty important thing. I miss my family back in Happytown. My father, Heinrich Himmler. Uncle Sanford the Town Rapist. My sister Skylar, who might I add ranks #7 in the Big City's line of strippers. Even my Godparents, Vlad the Impaler and Elizabeth Bathory, bring their fair share of sacrifices on Thanksgiving! Oh, and cousin Kim Jong-il, that asshole! Aaaah, good times. Anyways, enough of my happy memories. Let's learn more about what makes Apple Bloom's family so special in this episode of My Little Pony: Family is Magic
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode...I'll call my daddy on you!
     
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    This episode begins with Applejack in bed. Aww, it's gonna be one of those fanservice episodes, isn't it? Kill me now. Actually, no, Applejack is soon awaken to Granny Smith running around like a crazy person in the field screaming about the zap apples coming. Which is good, I guess. Once the title sequence rapes my innocence, we just barely learn what zap apples are. Apparently some clouds come and zap the trees and give them leaves and stuff. Meanwhile, while Applejack and Big Mac do the important work, Granny Smith and Apple Bloom are doing stupid, embarrassing rituals or some shit. Just in time fo-
     
    GODDAMMIT
     

    I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO MY LORD!!!
     
    It's that bitch cunt Diamond Tiara. This is going to be plenty of fun, isn't it? Bite me. She arrives just on time to see Apple Bloom dressed up like a blue bunny. Like, I get it's a ritual, but what the fuck? What's the point of that?! Meanwhile, Filthy Rich is here to discuss zap apple business with Granny while Diamond Tiara tries to convince Apple Bloom she should be embarrassed by Granny Smith and her "silly ways," and her making Apple Bloom look "ridiculous". You have a shite purple mane with what looks like "manly frosting" throughout, Diamond Tiara. What's your excuse? Thank goodness YOU'RE not in town where everyone could see YOU. Speaking of town, that's just where Apple Bloom is seen getting embarrassed by Grandmother Loudmouth. It just goes to show you how peer pressure influences our lives too easily. If Diamond Tiara had fucked off, Apple Bloom wouldn't have been embarrassed by a goddamned thing. This is why I hate society.
     

    Though, both of their hats look like sick forms of cosplay. It IS one of those episodes.
     
    Meanwhile, at the schoolhouse, Filthy Rich is boring everyone to death with his graphs and pie charts. That's when Cheerilee realizes that it's Apple Bloom's turn to get raped bring in her family member next Monday. But oh noes! That's Zap Apple Harvest Day! Which means Applejack and Big Mac will be doing more important things again! That leaves....oh shit....GRANNY SMITH! Noooooooooo-Back at the farm, Apple Bloom attempts to convince her siblings to find some time away from the harvest, to no avail. That's when the third sign of the coming pony armageddon zap apple harvest arrives to turn the leaves into flower things. With no other place to go, Apple Bloom returns to the CMC treehou-
     
    ZZZT
     

     
    Th-.......Ththththth...
     

    HGFC...C....
     
    C...Cutie Marks.....................cCO......>CRUSADERS OF THE LOST FUCK-UP!!!! I HATE IT! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
     

     
    Ahem, sorry. PTSD. Moving on. The...C-CMC...hatch a plan so that Apple Bloom won't have to go to school on Monday. Scootaloo suggests "hey, we have to make Apple Bloom look sick". So they do, but it doesn't work. But hey, at least the zap apples are here! That gives Sweetie Belle the idea to harvest them early, which was a shit idea too. Well, there's only one last resort. They have to get "Granny Smith" to talk to Ms. Cheerilee about not being able to come. So they catch the old bat while she's sleeping, dress 'er up, and use Apple Bloom's terrible impressions to talk to the pedophile. I have a feeling, though, that even Granny Smith would make her moist. Moist. That's a nice word. Say that ten times over. Moist. Are you in pain? Good.
     

    ​Unfortunately, Cheerilee is not amused by bondage fetish.
     
    As you can see, it didn't work, and Old Crusty here woke up to counter Apple Bloom's attempts. I guess the only thing left to do is actually follow through with this Family Appreciation Day/Zap Apple Harvest Day/Genocide Day. Well, not quite. There's still one more plan. Get her to hop on a slow train somewhere else for the day. GG, but even that doesn't work, and she comes back to tell her boring old person stories such as how the wheel was invented or who was really at the helm of the Holocaust. Actually, she explains a bit of how Ponyville started back when she was younger, with a whole Canterlot tie-in and some zap apple stuff, including explaining some of those crap rituals. 'Cept not the bunny thing. That's still WTF. Anyway, you'd think those stories would bore the characters in the series, but nay. Instead, they are very amuse:
     

    My reaction was similar when I first watched "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", but it did not result in applause.
     
    Alas, Apple Bloom realized she was retarded, Granny Smith licks the number four off the chalkboard (I'm serious), and they all go back home to make zap apple jam. And so concludes "Family Appreciation Day".
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, it's not shit.
     
    I still stand by the fact that if Apple Bloom had just ignored Her Cuntiness we wouldn't have an episode, but this still had ten times more interesting backstory than the last episode. Quite the coincidence, considering how the previous episode focused on the foundation of Equestria and this one told the tale of the foundation of Ponyville. Anyways, I do like this episode. It's not one of my favorites 'nor an episode I'd go back and watch very often, but it's still well done. I'll give "Family Appreciation Day" an 8/10. I suppose my summary paragraphs used to be longer than this, so here's some nonsense to pad it out. The number four will rise again. Death to the penguins. Oxymetazoline. That good?
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, looks like I've still got my review juice. Wish I could've expended it on a worse episode, or a better one, but fuck it I suppose. Though there's going to be a change in schedule this time around. Instead of every Monday and Friday there being a review, I'm just going to do one every Friday. That gives me time to recuperate and do whatever I want, including target practice. I'm sure two-parters will still be reviewed in succession like I usually do, but we're not going to hit one of those for a while, so we'll be concerned with that when I dance in pale moonlight. In the meantime, I'll see you all in the next review. Half of you at least.
  8. PrymeStriker
    MERRY APRIL FOOLS DICK EVERYONE
     
    I AM MUCH EXISTED FOR THIS EPIDODE OF MAH LITTLE PONEH, FRIENDSHIT IS MAGIC!
     
    THIS IS A SOUPER SPOILERS REVIEW, SO IF YOU HAVENT SEE HARTS MORNING EVE, AHVE A CUPPA MULTIGRAIN CEREAL FRAPPE!
     
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    THIS EPISODE OPUNS OP WITH TWILIGHT TRYKING TO BY FOOD FROM THE PURPLE PONY STORE, ALLSO KNOWN AS "POPEYE'S". THATS WHEN PINKIE PIE SHOES UP AND SAYS "HEY, YOU BITCH! WE NEED TO GET TO THE PLAY BECAUSE WE'RE ACTORS OR SOME SHIT!" SO PINKIE PIE SHOOTS TWILIGHT WITH AN M68 AND SHE IS REBORNED AGAINS. THATS WHEN THE OTHER PONEES MEAT THEM THERE FOR THE PAY!
     

    SPIKE ENJOY THIS MUCH
     
    THATS WHEN SPIKE SAIDS TO SNAKE "HEY, WE SHOULD GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDS." SO THEY DID THE SEX THING AND OUT POPS EMMA! AND SO THE SPINOFF WAS SPAWNED. EMMA HAD MANY FRIENDS, INCLUDING MANNY, TOBY, LIBERTY, SEAN, AND J.T. BUT UNFORTUNATLEYS, BEFORE GRADUATIONS, J.T MUCH DIED AND EVERYONE WAS MUCH SAD. POOR LIBERTY, NOW WHO'S GOING TO clean her pipes when they're clogged up?
     

    MUCH BLOOD ON BACK MUCH SMALLER IMAGE MUCH SADS
     
    WITH LIBERTY NO LONGER HAVING BOY TO PLAY WITH, THEY HAD TO CLOSE DOWN THEIR COMPANY. BUT THAT SOKAY, BECAUSE CARTMAN STARTED A BRAND NEW COMPANY IN ITS PLACE, called the CBAA. CBAA STANDS FOR "CRACK BABY ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION", AND IT EXISTS TO HELP CRACK BABIES DO MORE CRACK. HOWEVER COMMA SCOTT TENORMAN LEFT CARTMAN OUT OF THA DEAL OR SOMETHING AND HE MADE HIM EAT HIS PARENTS IN CHILLI.
     

    I enjoy pain.
     
    THIS BECA-shit, hold on, sorry, THIS BECAME MY FAVORITE EPISODES AND I LIKE TO WATCH IT ALL TH ETIME> MEANWHILE I WADDA READING THIS BOOK CALLED "The fate Crash" by 00mariofan4eva00! IS MEGA OCMPLEX BOOK SUPER COOL AND IT GOES LIKE THIS. APELJAK WAS MAKING APEL BUCK THAT WAS THE TIME TO SELL THEM ON THE MARK IT AND MADE SIDDER AND PIE. SO GRIPPING, YOU CAN READ IT HERE! LOVELY MUSICS!
     

    YOU ARE BOOTEY FULL SINGER HARPLEJARKLE
     
    SPEAKING OF BEAUTIFUL MUSICS, FAVORITE BEATLES SONG IS "BATS" FROM THE EASON 4 EISODE "BATS!" LOVELY MUSiC I LIKE THE CORD PROGRESSING AND THE RHYTHMICS OF THE LEERIKS. MUCH MAKES BEATIFL MASICS AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH AND ITS PROBABLY MY FAVORITE EPISOD SONG EVR OF LL THE EPISOD SONGS EVR. HOWEVER SPIKE IZ JUST THERE AND THE SONG AND I DONT NO WHY SO I TOLD HIM "hey, would you mind please moving over to some location that is not particularly right here?" NAD HE TOLD ME TO DIE! SO I DIED HIM INSTEAD!
     

    AT LEAST THIS TIME HE HAS A BONER
     
    MEANHWILE MAY DAD INTERRUPTS ME TO ASK ME WHAT YEAR IT IS. I TULD HIM IT WAS 2012. MEANWHILE THE RIANBOW DISH IS STUPID. MEANWHILE THIS REVIEW WILL HAVE 0 BROHOOFS AND 0 CENTS. MEANWHILE BACK IN THE FIR ENATION, SEAON SIX IS AIRING, AND a NEW ABBY IS HERE! HER NAME IS PRENCEST FLIRRY CHART< AND SHE LIKE TO DANCE WATCH:
     


    IS ANYONE EL SE GETTING HARD? 
    IN THE END, ALL THE POE KNEES LEANED THAT PEDOPHILIA WAS WRONG, AND THEY ALL SET OUT TO BURN CHERELIEE AT THE STAKE. HOWEVERS, IN THE END, ALL THE POE KNEES LEANED THAT BRUNIG PEOPLE IS WRONG and DECIDED "NEVERMIND". CHEERLIE WAS ALLOWED TO LIVE FOR ONE MORE YEAR WHICH MADER VERY PLEASANT!
     

    I KILLED MY SISTER
     
    AND THAT WAS MORE OR LESS "HEARTH'S WARMING EVE"
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    SHIT EPISODE -0/10
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    WELL POH KNEE PEE PULL, I HOPE YOU ALL A HAPPY NW YEAR. ITS 2013 NEXT YESTERDAY, AND I CAN HARD LEE WAIT. CAN YOU WAIT? I CAN HARD LEE WAIT. CAN YOU WAIT? I CAN HARD LEE WIAT. SO IF ALL GOES ACODING TO PLANING, I SHO(ULD HAVE COM BACK BI THE MDIDLE OF JUNE. SO HOPE I YOU ENJOED THIS RE-VIEW ONLY ON THE VIEW. HAV E A SEXY APRIL FOOLS DICK.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    ...This is what happens you when you let me do crack.
  9. PrymeStriker
    Previously on My Little Kony: Outdated References...
     
    Your Messiah: "Goddammit. I thought I'd finally have the whole fucking place to myself."
     
    Your Messiah (cont.): "My igloo DVR didn't record the premiere! SON OF A BITCH! THAT MEANS I HAVE TO GO TO.......D...Dailymotion..."
     
    Dailymotion: "I've got a bird in the hoof for you!"
     
    Twilight Sparkle: "Fuck the lessons."
     
    Shining Armor: "Oh my God! Cadence! I haven't seen you in years!"
     
    Cadence: "WHERE'S MAH FOCKIN CHAHLD SAPPORT?!"
     
    Your Messiah (tonc.): "All this will be answered and more...such as who's my real father and why am I allowed to breathe...in Part 2 of...."
     
    The Crystalling.
    Spoilers Ahead!
     
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    It's not easy being a messiah. Just ask Pinkie Pie. Though, I'm sure Pinkie Pie has a lot of shit to deal with, such as the freezing of the Crystal Empire and what not. In this time of urgent peril, everyone pairs off to try and defuse the situation. Celestia and Luna fly into the storm and try to stop the weather, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy try to warn the idiot citizens (fuck them, by the way), and Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Shining Armor, and Cadence try to devise a way to fix this using magic while also trying to keep the baby under hoof. Meanwhile, Starlight Glimmer and Sunburst don't particularly strike out and are instead sent their separate ways. Before Spike can encourage her, the storm soon grabs their attention.
     

    Is it a little chilly out here, or is it just the comparatively warm temperature in regards to the ROASTING going on right here?!
     
    Starlight and Spike meet Twilight and company at the library where the baby is running a muck. Ah, yes, here's a still very good idea. Fuck the baby. Kill it. Drown it. Cut into small pieces and then slushy that shit and sell it at Eegee's. Anything but allowing it to continue to exist. Ah, but the ponies do the humane thing and continue to have it fuck up everything. When Cadence finds a good book entitled "Fifty Shades of Gray" that they can use, Twilight explains that this could save the empire. However, Baby McFuckenstuff blasts at someone, and everyone deflects the shit instead of getting out of the goddamn way until the beam finally destroys the book.
     

    Oh my God! They killed Kenny! You bastards!
     
    The book destroyed, more panic ensues. Cadence sends Shining Armor, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity to evacuate the town while she and Twilight try to rewrite the spell. However, Starlight thinks that, "hey, let's get Sunburst! He's an important wizard!", so she and Spike go back to his house to beg for his help. Except, he has an outburst and explains that, no, he's not an important wizard. This leads to the two of them finally revealing their secrets. Sunburst explains that he knew a lot of spells but couldn't apply them in school, and Starlight explains her whole crimes against Equestria thing. Glossed over? Maybe, but fuck it, I like these characters and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
     

    One of Rarity's prostitution cards is on the ceiling I presume.
     
    After all is well, Sunburst believes he has a solution to the problem. So he, Starlight, and Spike quickly rush back to Twilight and Cadence to fix this shit. Less work I have to do, of course. Sunburst proudly tells Twilight her plan is shit (God, we needed someone like him in the main cast) and devises a new plan made up of multiple spells designed specifically to bring the Crystal Heart back together. Huh, not just one spell this time. They're getting creative with big resolves. I like it. So, Sunburst organizes that the Crystalling must take place, and with some Alicorn power shit, some weather power shit, and some Crystal Pony power shit, the heart can be restored. After the Crystalling takes place, the plan works interestingly well.
     

    It's gonna BLOW!!!!!!
     
    In fact, it does work. A beam shoots into the sky and stuff and everyone turns into their crystal pony counterparts for product placement. Shameless, Hasbro. Shameless. Finally, Sunburst's full potential had been realized. Back at the train station, everyone's had just about enough of this shit and are ready to go home. In come Twilight and Shining Armor's parents, this time with speaking roles for once, as they coo over their new grandchild. That's when everyone remembers, oh shit, this kid doesn't have a name! So they decide on "Flurry Heart". Sounds like a fucking milkshake, but whatever. No one cares, Starlight and Sunburst are in the corner have a grand old time developing as characters. That's when Twilight thinks she hasn't been a good enough teacher because she wasn't there. However, Spike reminds her that Celestia taught her by giving her space to make her own decisions, and the series starts to come full circle with itself. How nice.
     

    Fluttershy! Get out of the fucking shot!
     
    They all ride away, there's a Changeling in the distance, and they all live happily ever premiere. And that was "The Crystalling."
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Oh, so we're complaining about the Starlight focus?
    Well, fuck you. Starlight and Sunburst are the best thing about this premiere. Sure, Starlight's personality is almost null, and I hated her as a villain, but I have to give credit here. Seeing Starlight interact with Sunburst, who is actually pretty pleasurable a character, and their rekindling friendship, as well as how it ties with Twilight's mentor role and the parallels between this and the way Twilight started out with Celestia, it's all really satisfying. I also don't think Spike is wasted here either. He fits perfectly in the role he's given and it's all very nice. Everything else about part two? Eh, the crystal ponies were annoying and I want to kill the baby, but goddammit, I just loved watching this premiere so much, I don't even care. Part 1 was pretty bare bones, but I particularly enjoyed Part 2. So, what the hell, I'll give the second half a 10/10, making the whole premiere a 9/10 average. I wish I could say I was excited for the rest of the season, but having read the next handful of episode's synopsis, including the CMC and Spike shit, I'm gonna be vomiting all over the place way too early. I just know it.
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    So calm your goddamn tits, people. The premiere was fine. No one died, we're all still here, and the premiere wasn't that bad. Fuck the Celestianites, and you can all go home now.
     
    ...
     
    Happy?
     
    ...
     
    Good, now, I've got one more review before I go on break, and I have to say, bacon pudding gumdrops.
     
    ...
     
    Err, I mean, I'm not sure how I'll feel about the next deck of CARDS GIVE ME A CACTUS TO SODOMIZE.
     
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    I...I think the Crystalling has...frozEN LET IT GO! TEH C0LD NEVA BOTHRD M EN-KNEE-WEH
     
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    Son of a bitch. This is why you don't let me live in an igloo over a weekend. Especially when it's close to April Fools. Well, if I survive sanity long enough, I'll be able to review the next episode in PEACE A CHAAAAANNNCCEEEE. ALL WE ARE SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING IS fuck my life A CHAAAAAAA*SAVES DRAFTZ*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACADOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE:).>>9=D
  10. PrymeStriker
    ...
     
    Are we all still alive?
     
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    Goddammit. I thought I'd finally have the whole fucking place to myself. Oh well. I guess I should work on the review and start fixing this mess. Jolted opinions abound I see, but looks like we're all pretty sound. None of the "RUINED FOREVER" screams I was seeing before. Maybe this premiere saved itself? Eh, let's crack into the first episode and rape Celestism once and for all.
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "The Crystalling", you too are one of the refugees.
     
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    So this episode starts out wi-
     
    What the fuck?
     
    My...holy shit...NO!
     
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    My igloo DVR didn't record the premiere!
     
    SON OF A BITCH! THAT MEANS I HAVE TO GO TO....
     

     
    ...D...Dailymotion...
     
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHv9acm3fF0
     
    ...Ah, so I get to experience the premiere in 240p with the slowest fucking buffering you've ever had to deal with. We're all gonna be in the shit storm for a while.
     
    So this episode opens up with Starlight Glimmer, who is still reformed, looking for the library. When she finds it, she sees that Twilight's got shit tons of friendship lessons to learn. I'm calling it, MLP: FiM is pushing friendship as a cult. No, no, friendship's gone past religion status from season five. It's friendship or DIE in Equestria for season six. I can't wait. Twilight suggests "fuck the lessons" and sends herself and Starlight to the throne room, where they are discussing preparations to go to the birth of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor's new baby! Ah, remember the long paragraphs I had about that episode? Oh, shit, that's right, I never reviewed that one. Eh, when I get around to it. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash says she doesn't want to miss the Crystalling. What a sadistic bitch.
     

    Why would you want to watch thousands of non-believers perish by the hands of Celestia? ....Actually, nevermind, that's a really good idea. Pass the popcorn.
     
    After Spike explains that the Crystalling, in the realm of Equestria, is some Crystal Empire tradition when a baby is born or some shit (I can't be bothered to pay attention to this mythos backstory crap anymore), Starlight starts talking to Twilight about the event. However, when Twilight mentions that Starlight's old friend, Sunburst, (the one that made her go batshit insane and do that town cult stuff and try to fuck up the well-fare of Equestria after he dumped her) lives in the Crystal Empire now, she starts to worry. Explaining this to Spike, she discusses her dismay about going to the Crystal Empire until the Crystalling invitation is received and it is settled that her first friendship lesson will be on reuniting with Sunburst. Ah, the pain of others. Just my cup 'o tea.
     

    Starlight: Me:
     
    On the train, everyone's showing off their super gay gifts as Starlight Glimmer talks to Twilight about her reservations about meeting Sunburst again. Twilight of course brings up how she reunited with...err...Moondancer? Was that her name? Fuck it, I can't be bothered with season five anymore. Where was I? Ah, yes, how she reunited with Moondancer and how she might use that experience to help Starlight. As they leave the train, they bump into a very disoriented and very coked-up looking Shining Armor! Ah, the fun of fatherhood's gotten to him. I'd say I know all about that, but I don't. Unless someone's not letting me know something.
     

    "Oh my God! Cadence! I haven't seen you in years!"
     
    Shining Armor rants about how he hasn't slept very much since the birth of the baby, and Twilight thinks this will fuck with the whole Starburst shipping. However, Spike jumps in and says "Hey! Let's use the list!" and is paired off with Starlight to find Sunburst, much to the former's chagrin. Ooh, big word. I'm just assuming I know what chagrin means. Too busy to google it. However, since Starlight wants to procrastinate as much as possible, she is distracted by Spike's many statues in the Empire's town square, and decides that they're not going anywhere until she hears the whole "The Crystal Empire (Parts 1 & 2)" "Equestria Games" story! Meanwhile, baby's got wings on her back.
     

    And thus, the fandom through a tantrum.
     
    Celestia and Luna say that this Alicorn birth is even beyond their own comprehension. I'm sure this pisses off the fandom even more, but I couldn't give less than three fucks and a shit at this point. However, I do have to question, in the beginning, there had to be a first Alicorn, right? I mean, Alicorns aren't all crafted, are they? Someone had to be born one first so that the whole Alicorny things can take place? Meh, I don't know. As Cadence addresses her subjects, Shining Armor stresses over everything he has to do. That's when the Mane Six step in to be a helping hand. Meanwhile, Spike's through telling his stories and now it's time for Starlight and Sunburst to reunite! That is, if he can remember her.
     

    Can't remember shit? Likely stoned? Scruffy long hair? Round glasses? That's not Sunburst! That's John Lennon in 1969!!!
     
    As Sunburst is surprised that this stranger is Princess Twilight's pupil and Starlight expects Sunburst to be up to wizard shit, the two have an awkward hello and an awkward goodbye, but Spike presses the importance of learning this lesson and they talk some more. Starlight explains that Twilight, the Princess of Friendship, wants her and Sunburst to be friends again. With Sunburst inquisitively asking what happened after they'd stop being friends, Starlight becomes very dodgy around the path of evil she went down. Comparatively, Sunburst is dodgy around the whole "important wizard" subject himself. Something's amiss here. Other places, the baby throws a super tantrum that shatters the Crystal Empire's famed Crystal Heart. As we know, without the Crystal Heart, the Crystal Empire is doomed to be trapped in a terrible storm. Here's an idea? Fuck the baby, let's kill it.
     

    GG
     
    To be continued, so concludes Part 1.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, eh, I like this episode. I mean, Part 1 is a lot of setting up and building the blocks to the next episode. Whereas most other two parters have merit of their own, I don't think this episode has a lot to be judged. It's a pretty straightforward exposition and rising action. Though, I guess you could complain that the climax is incredibly dull without a whole lot of impact aside from what we should technically care about. Also, the whole "born Alicorn" scene is kind of bullshit, but I haven't read the Journal of the Two Sisters, so fuck it. Otherwise, nope, nothing bad to say yet. Nothing good to say either, though. Eh, I'll give this episode an 8/10. I don't have any criticisms yet, so I suppose I'll have to see Part 2 tomorrow. Incredibly short, but I seriously have nothing else to say.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I guess it's all on Part 2 then. Will we all perish in the storm clouds of the Crystalling, or will the fandom triumph on top? All this will be answered and more...such as who's my real father and why am I allowed to breathe...in Part 2 of....
     
    The Crystalling.
    Happy Birthday, Pac Man.
  11. PrymeStriker
    Late for a review, you say?
     
    Yeah?
    Well, fuck it. This is "Sweet and Elite". Spoilers ahead.
     
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    So this episode opens up with Princess Celestia and Rarity entering a bedroom in Canterlot. Ooh, raunchy. I like where this is going. And it gets even saucier when Rarity, after being shown the room she'll be staying in on her Canterlot visit, starts getting on her knees and proceeds to make love to the hooves of Celestia. Ah, it's one of those pornos. Well, that may or may not be my style. Depends on what kind of hoof action goes on. Then a bell-boy enters. Aw, hell yeah!
     

    Now the festivities can really take off!
     
    After the title sequence and the censoring, Rarity goes into the cafe to enjoy digestible matter when two cocksuckers from the upper crust of Canterlot comment on Rarity's fantastic hat. When she tries to impress these assholes, an old hick-of-a-friend from Ponyville working as a painter in Canterlot ruins everything. After the ponies leave, I subsequently feel a strong urge to follow them and go Black Dahlia on their asses, but I'll never admit a goddamn thing. You can't prove I have a time machine! Anyways, Rarity says "fuck this shit" and starts working on a dress worthy of Canterlot, but on her way to the...err...clothes-makery???, she bumps into Fancy Pants.
     

    I'm too hot! Hot damn! / Make a dragon wanna retire, man / I'm too hot! ...............Still working on clever captions as you can see.
     
    At some point, Fancy Pants decides "eh, fuck it, let's invite this bitch to a racing show", and does so. This excites Rarity in ways we all know excite her, and she proceeds to give him her prostitution business card. However, back at the castle, Rarity starts to mull over the pros and cons between going to this event and making Twilight's dress (which, if I'm honest, wouldn't work on Twilight to begin with, but "eh, fuck it"), and eventually decides to go so that she may improve her reputation in Canterlot. Act as classy as you want in Canterlot, 'cause what happens in Ponyville stays in Ponyville, if y'n'wah'm'satan. As we get to the Wonderbolts race, Fancy Pants and the cunts that follow him around bet on Rapid Fire. However, Rarity through her affiliation with Wonderbolt fanatic Rainblow Dash thinks that Fleetfoot will win instead. Disapproving eyes of Fancy Pants entourage are foiled when Fleetfoot is victorious. Except, when she explains how she knew and the identity of Rainbow Dash, she says that the pegasus is the Wonderbolts' trainer. I'll pull my best Clunk impression here....*ahem*...."What a load of bullsh-"
     

    FOR FUCK'S SAKE, RARITY! ALWAYS...WITH THE CREEPY....FACESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
     
    As the days go on, Rarity stockpiles more and more commitments to her new high-class friends rather than working on the dress for Twilight. A song ensues, but it's shit, so as is catchphrase of this review, fuck it. Unfortunately, the dress for Twilight is getting pushed further and further back. Things go a-rye when Twilight and friends surprise Rarity by bringing the party to her. But oh shit! She's been invited to a garden party with Fancy Pants and his idiot followers! On the same day! And she hasn't finished the dress! And she wants to go to the garden party! But she has to go to her friends birthday party! Oh no! What to do?! What to do?! Ah, here's a good solution...................................................................................................................................................................
    .............................................................................................................fuck it. I mean, that's Twilight's attitude when she sees her half-assed dress.
     

    Twilight's tried some of Pinkie Pie's drugs, hasn't she? ...Heh, that was kinda clever.
     
    Well, Rarity takes Twilight's advise and decides to go to her friend's party, but unfortunately, the garden party is in the garden outside the building where Twilight's hosting her party. So if the upper crust sees Rarity and this Ponyville hick party...err...she'll be scolded or something. I don't know, I don't understand socialite shit. They're all a bunch of pretentious asswipes that need to be shipped to North Korea in chains....naked. So the next few moments are Rarity trying to balance herself between parties without anyone noticing. But obviously, that doesn't work out, and her hick friends mingle with her dick friends and the truths are revealed. Rarity is put on the spot.
     

    Ah, Rarity just watched "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck Up" I see. GG.
     
    Rarity, in her surprising wisdom, admits that she knows them and that they're her closest friends and the most important ponies to her. Those two assholes from the cafe, Jet Set and Upper Crust, chime in at this point to laugh at the idea that they're important ponies. Yeah, they're totally not important. They only, you know, saved Princess Celestia from Nightmare Moon, defeated Discord, and will in due time also rip the Changelings a new asshole, blow King Sombra into the void, go Dragonball Z on Tirek, and save all of Equestria from a paradox that would cause mass extinction, among a series of other world-threatening catastrophes solved by them individually. Such unimportant ponies. And what have you two done your lifetimes aside from say stupid shit and make me want to sodomize your corpses after I cut them into sevenths, you couple of shit stains?!?!??!?!?!? :=:
     
    ...
     
    Luckily, Fancy Pants agrees with me, and sets those two in their place like a true boss.
     

    This is the definition of a magazine cover.
     
    In the end, Rarity learns an important lesson about staying true to your friends and what not, even though she technically got away with some of her lies. But guess what? Fuck it. That was "Sweet and Elite".
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Not bad ay-tall. I don't have too much to say on this episode, honestly. I mean, I like it. It's good. It works. It's pleasant to watch. The story gels well. Rarity is characterized finely. Just an overall really good episode. I mean, sure, Jet Set and Upper Crust were probably more annoying in this one episode than Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon have ever been in the entirety of this series, but look at it this way. Annoying characters like them and Trenderhoof and all those guys...they're one-off inconveniences. We're stuck with other annoying shits for too long. So, for a sixth time, fuck it. Still, this is a nice episode I'd go back and rewatch if I had to and all that jazz. Not much to rip apart here. Just a good job. I'll give "Sweet and Elite" an 8/10.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Happy Springtime, by the way. I'm sure we're all going to have a lot of fun this season, but it looks like my time in the flowers is going to be cut a bit short.
     
    If you guys haven't noticed, the past couple of reviews have been posted relatively late. I used to do them Monday and Friday in the morning or afternoon, but with school and work forcing themselves inside of me, combined together to form a feeling of demotivation within me, my most recent reviews have been forced to be written and posted late at night, or even the following days in some American time zones (such as mine). It's getting to the point where I'm forcing myself to write a review, and I don't want to feel that way. Therefore, while I am not giving up doing reviews altogether, though I'm sure some would rejoice, I am going to take a break following...
     
    ...The Crystalling.
     
    My final review for a while will be on April Fool's Day, and I'll try my best to use the festivities to my advantage and take complete piss out to more of an extreme than usual. When might I return, you ask? My theory is, after the April Fool's Day review, I'm going to take a two month break and come back sometime in the beginning or middle of June. I'll also probably follow a less constant and quick schedule to help me write reviews with more vigor.
     
    We'll decide that when we get there, but I'd figure I'd let you guys know that now. Anyways, back into character. The Crystalling is drawing nearer and nearer, and so far, I'm totally ripping the shit out of Celestianite beliefs with my positive reviews. I'm sure Penn Jillette would be proud of me if he gave a fuck about me or this show. These past couple of pretty good episodes, at least in my earnest opinion, has got to be the hardest pressing proof against the Crystalling superstitions of the bad episode chain that would unleash the storm and destroy the non-believers. I'm quite proud of myself. Well, there's only one more episode to review before the big storm. Which episode might that b-
     

     

    ........................................
     

    Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh
    hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    hhhhhhhhhhhh shit................................................................................
     
    ........................................
     
    We're fucked.
  12. PrymeStriker
    ...
     
    What is life?
     
    ...
     
    "Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor." -- Sholom Aleichem
     
    ...
     
    This quote does not help me, I still do not know who I am anymore. Life is a dream, game, comedy, and tragedy all at the same time, but I am not wise. I'm not a foo-well, actually, yes. But I'm neither rich 'nor poor. So how could I perceive life as all these things and yet...I am not categorized like everyone else in the world is. My instability is controlling my fragile will. Soon everyone related to me will notice this and remove me from their lives which are oh so organized compared to my train wreck. Pity me.
     
    ...
     
    What the fuck am I saying? I already killed everyone related to me last week. Fuck this shit, I'm gonna go find Princess Lun-evermind. This is "Luna Eclipsed".
     
    Spoilers ahead, if you haven't seen "Luna Eclipsed", that's because you've probably been blinded by the eclipse.
     
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    So this episode opens up with Halloween. Oh, no, sorry, they call it Nightmare Night. Spike is pacing the floor waiting for Twilight, because she's slow not only mentally (still got a stick up my ass on that), but also physically. Nevermind that, however, Twilight is going trick or treating as Starswirl the Bearded. Ah, the myth, the legend, the bearded. Still waiting for more story on him, but unfortunately recent seasons of this show have a habit of not doing anything worth a good flying fuck. As she's getting ready to go, a knock comes on the door. It's Pipsqueak the President Pirate at your service, along with some other children and Granny Smith. Suddenly, a chicken that's not Scootaloo shows up.
     

    SON OF A PIP!
     
    Pinkie Pie wants candy, and when Twilight suggests she's too old for this, Pinkie Pie threatens to murder her. She also says Twilight's costume looks like a weirdo clown, but I digress. They go into town square looking for adventure when they run into Pinkie Pie again. Their adventure is stunted when Rainbow Dash creeps along in a Shadowbolt costume and stomps a dark cloud to cause thunder and lightning, scaring everyone in the vicinity. I'm actually starting to like Rainbow Dash now..........what is season two doing to me?!
     

    I think Spike is dead again........................................................................................just saying.
     
    After that fun, they run into Applejack, who thinks Twilight is a country music singer. Purple ponies don't sing country, they rap.
    . Twilight stays with Applejack as briefly as she did the other fuckers and goes off with some other cunts as well as Zecora, who is telling the tale of Nightmare Moon. Thanks Zecora, but we already know how that went down. I couldn't get any of the names right, everyone was an asshole, and Nightmare Moon died. The End, you can all go home now. Alas, the story continues, as Zecora explains the backstory of Nightmare Night and what not. Essentially, people dress up on Nightmare Night to hide from Nightmare Moon, 'cause she's gonna eat you, so you give her candy instead. Still a more flowing narrative than "Crusaders of the Lost Mark". Suddenly, someone arrives... 

    Ah. There you are. I've been looking for you since "The Return of Harmony (Part 1)". Where have you been?
     
    Strangely, when Luna arrives, everyone is scared shitless. She says she now wants your admiration, and aims to change Nightmare Night into a bright and glorious feast. Of course, the ponies misinterpret that line as she's gonna eat us. Ponyville has become Tumblr............................or the MLP Forums. Twilight aims to go help Luna, and when the two meet up, Luna recognizes her costume as Starswirl the Bearded. Congratulations, you've spawned another shipping. It's very easy to do those, by the way. Just have two characters talk to each other and you have a decent shipping. Meanwhile, Twilight says that if she changes her approach, she might be met with a warmer reception. Advise I should take? Nope.
     

    "For fuck's sake, does anyone brush their tongue around here?!"
     
    The two of them visit Fluttershy in hopes she can help her be "kinder", but Fluttershy is also scared shitless of Luna, so her aid is useless. Well, actually, Fluttershy, in the midst of her psychological breakdowns, manages to teach Luna how to speak quieter. It works, but as she's embracing Fluttershy (another shipping has started), Pinkie Pie and her disciples come along and assume she's been killed. That's how most religions work. Well, since Pinkie Pie is not an option, Twilight and Luna visit Applejack in hopes to teach the princess how to have fun. So she tries a series of games and realizes that gaming is what she wants to do with her life. Unfortunately, Luna takes this a bit too far and turns toy spiders to real spiders, scaring the whole town. She gets pissed off and declares that Nightmare Night is cancelled.
     

    SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME!
     
    Now, if it were me, I would've ignored Luna and just celebrate the holiday anyway, but these ponies are not me, or else Equestria would be a much more interesting place to live. Twilight deduces there's one thing left to do. She has to bring the two religions together. Yes, indeed. The First Church of Cupcakes and the Lunar Republic must join forces! That's when Rainbow Dash shows up to do her lightning trick and fuck everything up. Nevermind, I don't like Rainbow Dash anymore. So Twilight's had enough and tackles Pinkie Pie to confront her head on as to why she's scared shitless of Luna. That's when Pinkie Pie explains that she's not really scared of her, she just thinks it's fun to be scared. Luna withholds enthusiasm as I have a laughing spasm.
     

    "Goddammit, why the hell did Celestia create purple ponies?"
     
    The rest of the town realizes they haven't done the candy offering, so while that happens, Twilight commands Luna to go to the statue and do a scary thing. While, yes, this scares the townsfolk, Pip returns to ask Luna if she can scare them again next year, and that this is his favorite night of the year. When she accepts (with her Canterlot voice), Pip squeaks that she's his favorite princess, and he and the children run away happily. This brings joy to Princess Luna as Twilight writes a letter to Celestia telling her of her sister's character development.
     

    Since when was Chuck E. Cheese a citizen of Ponyville?
     
    Luna has by example taught Twilight that giving friendship to others is valuable, and in the end, Luna does the thunder lightning cloud trick on Rainbow Dash. She's now my favorite princess as well.
     
    And so concludes "Luna Eclipsed".
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    This is a lovely episode.
     
    The character development in this episode alone with Princess Luna far surpasses many other episodes. Her trials and resolves are orchestrated perfectly as she struggles to seek approval from the members of Ponyville. It also opens up a whole other level of depth to the character, as striving for the approval of others was what turned her into Nightmare Moon, and the acceptance of others, on a smaller degree, is part of what reformed her. So this episode just brings the characterization full circle. I also like that Luna isn't portrayed as a god like Celestia is. Yes, she's important, but she's a person too, and the writers show no fear of exploring her as such. I think that's what makes this episode so great. Sure, the comedy of this episode is decent, and while the resolve was ever so slightly weak in hindsight, Luna made this episode spectacular. I'm giving "Luna Eclipsed" a 10/10. GG NO RE
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Welp...........we found Luna.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Now what?
  13. PrymeStriker
    Previously on My Little Bony: Endlessly Flaccid...
     
    This One Guy: "Never reviewed a season two episode before."
     
    That Same One Guy About Two Minutes Later: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA/\AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE FUUUCKIN' CUITE MAARKK CRUSAAADERRS!
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
     
    Kinky Die: "Chaos comes with chocolate rain."
     
    The Same Goddamn One Guy: "I agree. The world can go to shit, fuck it, chocolate rain sounds kickass."
     
    Sandy: "I'm sorry, Chad, but I'm in love with David."
     
    Audience: "*GASP*"
     
    Chad: "That's okay, Sandy. I've been having sex with your sister."
     
    Audience: "*LOUDER GASP*"
     
    This Two Guy: "Well...................Same time tomorrow then?"
     
    CUE TITLE SEQUENCE!
     
    (Our worlds are in danger / To save them and the galaxy we must find the four Cyber Planet Keys / before the Decepticons can use them for evil / It is our mission / Hot Shot! Jetfire! Vector Prime! Landmine! Scattorshot! Optimus Prime!)
     
    Spoilers ahead
     
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    Okay, so where did we leave off? Oh, that's right. The game is over and Discord won. That should be the series finale.
     
    Now, you know how I bitched that Twilight was so stupid thinking the elements were in the labyrinth? Well, to my surprise, I didn't even need to rage. This episode opens up with [some in-fighting and] Discord showing Twilight that she missed the point of his riddle. SERIOUSLY! Look! He does it!
     

    Realizing you're a dumbass shithole, Twilight? Good. Fuck you.
     
    After that, Twilight goes "But...but..." and I'd really love to hear what would've come after that had Discord not interrupted her. I really would like to know how the fuck she deduced "find the elements back where you began" would be in the labyrinth. Alas, this is why Discord is one of my favorites. He knew the elements weren't in the labryinth, and he knew Twilight was being a dumbass, but he used it to his advantage. Though, in the end, you could say that these "twists and turns" were part of his master plan. I digress, however. Twilight now take the opportunity to think what "back where you began" means. OH, GEE, HA-DOY, LET'S TRY PONYVILLE she says. Too late now -- Discord's turned their roads to soap.
     

    It's like driving in New Jersey.
     
    Anyway, they get to Twilight's library, but not before the dark side of ponies grow ever stronger. Now our friends are not only DULL technicolor, they've been drained of all color in their renders! Oh dear! They're going 1950's on us, but without the politeness! Haste must be made if Twilight wants to ever redeem her friends, but not before Fluttershy throws some water on Twilight giving her the ultimate burn: "what's soaking wet and clueless -- YOUR FACE!" I love this premiere. I fucking love it. Shortly afterwards, Spike finds a book that could help, and the other four ponies play toss-around with it before Twilight can get a hold of it. That pisses her off, and they all brawl each other before she and Spike guard the book from her friends. This is her book, and she's gonna read it!
     

    Scrolls were a common weapon used in politically correct times.
     
    Luckily, the elements are back where she began -- in that book. However, the trouble is no longer finding the Elephants of Harmony. Neigh. The trouble is now getting the other five ponies to wear the elements and form in unity to defeat Discord. This is a tricky task, as the four ponies that are with Twilight are insane and hate each other, and Rainbow Dash is fucking around somewhere else. Rude, hilariously vicious ponies, a smartass villain, and no Rainbow Dash? This is the best fucking premiere ever created! *ahem* Back to the story, Twilight starts sapping that "her friends..." before the episode turns to comedy by ending her sentence with perfect score "...HAVE TURNED INTO COMPLETE JERKS! *puts elements on the others* NECKLACE! NECKLACE! NECKLACE! NECKLACE! BIG CROWN THINGY! LET'S GO!" I know I'm quoting the episode more than usual, but oh my god, this episode is taking all the pain of the eyelash lodged in my eyeball away! Meanwhile, Spike is going to fill in for Rainbow Dash as the elephant of loyalty. That doesn't work, the ponies get tired of each other, and Twilight goes to the dark side.
     


     
    Twilight's broken spirit causes her to decide to leave Ponyville, but Spike is incredibly sick from all the letters Celestia's been sending. What letters? She's sending back all the "Dear Princess Celestia" letters she's sent throughout season one, and as Twilight reads them, her faith in friendship starts to rejuvenate. She now knows what she needs to to do get her friends back! She first visits Applejack on her farm, and tells her that she's ready to fight for their friendship. As Applejack says "where were you when I was battling Discord?", I had to pause for laughter. Subsequently, Twilight tackles Applejack to the ground and presses her magical horn against her forehead. This sounds like the beginning of a bad porno, but don't worry. She's transferring memories of their friendship over, and it actually manages to work.
     

    Applejack's back! Shame she's a celery addict again.
     
    So Twilight runs all over Ponyville doing this to all her friends. First she reconverts Fluttershy, then Rarity, and finally Pinkie Pie. The five of them start searching for Rainbow Dash, who they finally find is up laying on a cloud, believing the cloud is Cloudsdale. Since Rainbow Dash won't come down on her own, and Twilight doesn't have her wings yet, the five have to force her down to get her to change back by using a hot air balloon and Fluttershy. Unfortunately, Fluttershy sucks jack shit at holding ponies down against their will, so Dashie dashes out of there, commencing a high-speed pursuit in the sky. Rainbow Dash plays a circle game with them, which allows Applejack to lasso a rope around Rainbow Dash. Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie didn't secure that rope, and it drags both her and Rarity outside of the hot air balloon hanging off of Rainbow Dash's ass, slowing her down. Motivated by not letting Discord win, Fluttershy flies faster, allowing Applejack to get one last grip on Rainbow Dash and bring her where Twilight can convert her back to Christianity normal.
     

    Ah. My mistake. This is the beginning of a really bad porno.
     
    With the elephants back in their possession, and her friends back to normal, they decide to face Discord once and for all. In this part of the scene, Discord drinks a glass of chocolate milk, throws the chocolate milk behind him, and it explodes. I fucking LOVE this premiere. Anyways, Twilight and Discord have a little scurry over possession of her friends before Discord lets the ponies "do their worst". Unfortunately, this flaw in Discord's master plan leads him to underestimate the ponies, as they band together and use their Elephants of Harmony to turn Discord back to stone.
     

    I am sad. I wanted Discord to be the ruler of Equestria. Fuck the elements of harmony!
     
    Finally, the ponies go to a ceremony which is a
    , and the premiere ends bearing in mind that this whole ordeal is all the CMC's fault. 
    The Beginning.
     

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    If I haven't mentioned it yet, I LOVE THIS PREMIERE.
     
    I mean, just outside of the perfect pacing and all that boring shit, the comedy of this premiere works on every level! As a said last episode, Discord is the ultimate villain, and though he underestimated his opponents in the end, fuck it, the other 35 minutes of his presence were absolute brilliance! Everything about this premiere is captivating and interesting, and unique for that matter. And it doesn't even try to hammer in any kind of "Friendship is Magic" religion shit like "The Cutie Map", it just uses it in one fly-by sentence which the episode even mocks by Discord's gag reaction! This episode is so fucking perfect I can't even. I can odd, but I can't even anymore thanks to this episode. I have to give part two in special particular a 10/10, making the whole premiere a straight 10/10! If the whole second season is as amazing as its premiere, I'm in for a fantastic time!
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Whew! Hell of a premiere eh?
     
    ...
     
    Yeah!
     
    ...
     
    So, I'm pretty stoked to continue the second season now given its epic premiere. And in interesting correlation -- the next Monday review comes on a pretty special day: February 29th. The day that 'comes 'round once every four years so that we can catch up with ourselves on a calendar schedule. Well, which episode has the privilege of being reviewed by me on this special occasion?
     

     
    .................................................
     
    ...................................................
     
    Oh, lord.
  14. PrymeStriker
    Season two, eh? Never reviewed a season two episode before.
     
    Well, I guess there's a first time for everything. I remember my first time..............................................................
     
     
     
    Alright, welcome to the second season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now, it's true, I've never reviewed a season two episode in any respect. I think I reviewed two episodes in season three and most of season four back in the day before my blog was a thing, each of those one-paragraph, sometimes three-sentence reviews buried somewhere in the Show Discussion forum, but I've never done season two. Or season one for that matter, but it's too late for me to acknowledge that considering I just did all 26 of 'em. Anyways, this is a brand new experience, so let's dive in to the premiere, "The Return of Harmony (Part 1)"
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "The Return of Harmony"........................................
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    This episode opens up with Cheerilee showing her cla-............cl........................c..............................ass......s...sass...........sa..aa.............a...................
     
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA/\AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
     

    -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
     
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE FUUUCKIN' CUITE MAARKK CRUSAAADERRS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOh, they're only there for the prologue. Nevermind, I am satisfy. So, on this class trip, the CMC learn about Discord, who is a draqoneuszljfiojizz that represents chaos, confusion, and evil. Meanwhile, it appears he's finally decided to escape his stone imprisonment.
     

    Celestia really needs to stop dropping her iPhones statues.
     
    Back in Ponyville, far away from the CMC ( ), strange things are occurring. The clouds have turned to cotton candy, the rain has turned to chocolate rain / some stay dry and others feel the pain, and the bunnies have turned to abominations. Twilight thinks she has a spell to fix everything, but she's stupid so she's wrong. Celestia subsequently sends the group an urgent invitation to the castle in this time of chaos. There, she explains that one of her old foes, Discord, has returned. Just in time for backstory, she explains how Discord used to cause pain to all the ponies (he's my favorite already) with his chaos, and when she and Luna found the Elements of Harmony, they turned him to stone. Yes, about that, where's Luna?
     

    Neither Celestia 'nor Luna look remotely like that. I hate when children paint on the fuckin' windows.
     
    Celestia explains that she needs the six of them to wield the Elephants of Harmony once again to defeat Discord. Pinkie Pie interrupts by telling her apostles that they should reconsider this. "Chaos comes with chocolate rain" she says. I agree. The world can go to shit, fuck it, chocolate rain sounds kickass. Anyway, as Celestia brings out the box and opens it, she realizes that the elements have been stolen. Frozen, the ponies don't know what to do until they hear the chuckle of his majesty and his satanic request. Discord is here.
     

    You're a lot more two-dimensional than I thought you'd be. And this is a cartoon.
     
    Discord, after some fucking around, gives the ponies a riddle to find the elements again. "Twists and turns are my master plan, then find the elements back where you began." Despite the incoherency of the riddle's narrative, the ponies decide to take matters into their own hands vaginas hooves and solve the riddle. Twilight thinks they're in the palace labyrinth, but again, that's fuckin' stupid. The second half of the riddle was "FIND THE ELEMENTS BACK WHERE YOU BEGAN". You didn't begin in the maze, you little shit, and your entire base for thinking the ELEMENTS are in the LABYRINTH is the three words "TWISTS AND TURNS". You fucking idiot, Twilight. Twists and turns are his master plan. I doubt a maze is his goddamned master plan. However, Twilight is slow as fuck so Discord's gonna play along and use it to his advantage. As the ponies retardedly follow the dumbass they've elected leader, Discord prepares his game. First rule -- no flying, and no magic. That means we pluck the horns and the wings off these ponies.
     

    Hey, Discord, could you kill Twilight, please? Rainbow Dash is becoming smarter than her.
     
    The second rule -- everypony has to play or Discord wins. Therefore, the games begin as Twilight says they can win this if they have each other. Then Discord splits them apart. I want Discord to be my friend so I can kill everybody everywhere enjoy my life for a change. They plan to regroup at the center, but some things are about to take place. What things you might ask? Well, let's look at what Applejack does. First, she's trying to get to the center, but then she's interrupted by a couple of apples, so she follows them. Then she's in an apple orchard, and all the apples form faces and start talking to her by Discord's puppet strings. Through manipulation of the truth, he manages to shatter Applejack's spirit and get her to degenerate against her elephant of harmony.
     

    ............................................................*Applejack says nothing*...........................................................BULLSHIT! YOU DIRTY LIAR!
     
    Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie is going anti-friendship by Discord's tricks when a party is presented to her. The balloons tell her that her friends aren't laughing with her when she makes jokes or whatever, but rather, laughing at her. From there, it's "Party of One" all over again, just without the straight hair or the bucket of onions for her BFF. Speaking of "Party of One"......THE EYELASH IS STILL IN MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Rarity also gets distracted by what she thinks is an enormous dildo diamond, but is actually a dirty cock rock. As Twilight starts rounding up all of her friends, she starts to notice they've gone cuckoo and gets suspicious. However, Discord is having intense trouble manipulating Fluttershy, as she constantly agrees with his "suggestions" that she is weak and that she's flawed. Discord decides she's been nice far too long and just forces her into cruelty.
     

    Fluttershy's such a dick.
     
    There's only one pony left, and that's among the most detrimental -- Rainbow Dash. Discord manages to convince RD that Cloudsdale is crumbling without her, and with her IQ, she's pretty easy to fool. So Discord cracks a deal with her. Rainbow Dash can quit the game and get her wings back, being able to fly off and leave to do whatever she wants, such as help Cloudsdale, OR she can stay here and help the Ponyville cunts that are clearly beneath her. Putting her wings in a present box, Discord leaves the decision completely up to Rainbow Dash. As the ponies try to locate their final friend, they see her take off into the skies.
     

    Rainbow Dash is smarter than Twilight by default for flying away. GG, I award you 20 points.
     
    But WAIT. What was rule number one? NO WINGS, NO MAGIC? Well, that means the game is OVER and DISCORD WINS! Hooray! Now Equestria will be a decent place to live for once! The storm of chaos is fast approaching. Will our "heroes" defeat my hero? Or will my hero taste the rainbow? We'll have to wait, because part 1 is part done.
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Holy shit, I love this episode.
     
    This obviously goes for the premiere overall, but I just love Discord. As a villain, he just kicks all kinds of ass with his manipulative sarcasm and random antics. Even Pinkie Pie thinks he's a pretty cool cat. Discord was and still is one of my favorite characters of the series. On top of that, I love watching part one for its incredible setup and well-done execution in all the basic departments, such as characterization, storytelling, and so forth. My only complaint is that Twilight's deduction of Discord's clue genuinely pissed me off, because she completely missed the point, reinforcing my repeated criticism of the character that, for the "smartest" of the mane six, she's genuinely stupid as fuck. However, this is not enough to ruin this episode, and things clearly only get better in part two, so I'm just gonna have to give part one a 10/10. Exceptional work, a clear recovery from season one.
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well...
     
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    Same time tomorrow then?
  15. PrymeStriker
    Welcome, one and all, to the season one wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!
     

     
    Well, we're not quite to the actual finale yet, but today we're reviewing the second-to-last episode for season one entitled "Party of One!" For many, this is a huge recovery from "Owl's Well That Ends Well", but seeing as I, again, didn't hate that episode, I'm not sure I'll feel the same way. HOWEVER, I do remember really liking this episode, so let's see what goes down!
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "Party of One", fuck you. It's fuckin' brilliant. Feel ashamed!!!!
     
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    This episode opens up with Pinkie Pie as she hands out invitations, in song, to her Ponyville Pals for her pet alligator's birthday party! Wooohooooo! Although, handing out these invitations ends up being a huge chore and she gets tired by the time she gets to invite Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Next time, she says, she'll just pass out written invitations. Kind of like a Jehovah's Witness, but less professional and more pink. Then the title sequence plays. This party is already really fun! /sarcasm
     

    Pinkie Pie, you look a tad thirsty. Fluttershy, you look thirsty as fuck.
     
    Well, the shitty performances from Pinkie Pie work (just like pop concerts work) and everyone shows up for Gummy's birthday party! And just like Celestia's tea party, it's in Sugarcube Corner! And just like Celestia's tea party, Rarity's over in the corner licking a Popsicle, Applejack's shooting herself up with celery, Rainbow Dash is attempting to get Twilight to do a mudplay photoshoot, and Pinkie Pie is trying to convert Fluttershy to the First Church of Cupcakes. This happens whenever this band of insane fuckwads get together. After the party, everyone goes home drunk as Twilight tells Pinkie that we should do this again soon. Next morning, when everyone's hungover, Pinkie Pie decides that "soon" has finally come.
     

    Oh, Jesus Christ, she looks like she's about to take a huge shit on Twilight's lawn!
     
    Twilight rejects her invitation because she's got to rearrange her library that she just unarranged upon hearing that the party was "this afternoon this afternoon." So Pinkie Pie travels to Applejack, who also rejects her invitation because she has to pick apples. Applejack, the elephant of honesty indeed. Well, technically, she didn't lie, but fuck it. For it was at this point in the review that thy holy eyelash doth stuck itself under thy eyelid and rolled behind thou art holy eyeball. This party is really going great now. Meanwhile, during my intense pain, Pinkie Pie ran off to visit Rarity, who had Spike moving her trash, which made him smell bad, so Rarity told him to take a shower...........................in her pussy. So, when Pinkie Pie invites Rarity, she excuses herself by saying she had to wash her hair. When the pink one says her mane doesn't look dirty, she sticks her head in the trash.
     

    Don't be silly. That's how her mane looks every time she dances at Gentlecolt's Club
     
    After Pinkie Pie tries to invite Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, they both say they have to go house sit for a bear that likes to play seashells. That bear is me. Anyways, after Pinkie Pie mulls it over in her room, she deduces that all of her friends sound more like they're making "*gasp* EXCUSES!", and gets this confirmed when she sees Twilight sneaking into Sugarcube Corner. That lying bitch! Time to get the skinny on this...err...secret. Fuck it, I can't rhyme. She starts stalking everypony as she watches her friends transport things around like a drug ring. They're probably all dealers for Applejack, but I digress. She manages to grab Rainbow Dash's attention and chases her down a-la "Griffon the Brush-Off", but RD forgets that quickly that Pinkie Pie has teleportation powers.
     

    Oh, Jesus Christ, she looks like she's about to take a huge shit on the road!
     
    Pinkie Pie attempts to learn what's in those bags, but Rainbow Dash manages to take refuge in the barn at Sweet Apple Acres, where Applejack denies her being there. Holy shit, Applejack actually pulled off a...*gasp*...LIE! I'm bio-shocked. Pinkie Pie doesn't accept the bullshit, but still leaves anyway because she's a doormat. That's another episode and another character entirely. Back at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie interrogates Spike, where he confesses to spilling juice on Twilight's copy of Magical Mysteries and Practical Potions, used up all the hot water in Ponyville taking a 7-hour bubble bath, and that sometimes, when no one's around, he does this. Pinkie Pie wants Spike to confess that her friends don't like her parties and don't want to be her friends anymore, so Spike tells her that because she said she wanted him to say that, which depresses her. She then goes batshit insane.
     

    sǝɯoɔ uuuuuuuuuᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉᴉɐɐɐɐɐɐɐɐɐɐɐɐɐɹ ǝɥʇ ɟI / sǝɯoɔ uuᴉᴉᴉɐɐɐɐɐɐɹ ǝɥʇ ɟI / pɐǝp ǝq llǝʍ sɐ ʇɥƃᴉɯ ʎǝɥ┴ / spɐǝɥ ɹᴉǝɥʇ ǝpᴉɥ puɐ unɹ ʎǝɥʇ sǝɯoɔ uuᴉᴉᴉɐɐɐɐɹ ǝɥʇ ɟI
     
    She invites a collection of inanimate objects to a tea party, and talks to them about they're all her best friends, and not those other cunts. Involved in her own psychotic fantasies, she says that she's never going to speak to those other bitches ever again, and will become totally tight with her new friends. I can only imagine what is to become of the First Church of Cupcakes now that their leader has one flying over the cuckoo's nest. Nevertheless, Rainbow Dash enters her room to this insanity, and attempts to pull her out of it. Pinkie Pie fights her, and after a smackdown or two, Rainbow Dash decides it's time to do this the hard way. She subsequently drags her all the way to Sweet Apple Acres, and reveals to Pinkie Pie what her friends really were doing for her "this afternoon this afternoon."
     

    Pie, our savior, is born!
     
    At first, Pinkie Pie's pissed. She thinks the party is a farewell party because her friends want to "kick her" out of the group. But after they remind her that it's her FUCKING BIRTHDAY, she becomes happy Pinkie Pie puffy hair again and they all celebrate. Twilight writes a lesson to Celestia about how your true friends have your best interest at heart or some shit, and they all celebrate the party of fun!
     
    And so concludes "Party of One"
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Alright, first the glaring negative. The letter to Celestia was among the most forced of season one. Not so much that it was a sloppy moral, but it's like they intended the episode to end without it and remembered they had to have it in there, so they shoved it in. I noticed this right away and felt a little disappointed...
     
    but this is still, by far, the best episode of season one.
     
    "Party of One" is a fantastic blend of exceptional comedy with amazing characterization. Following Pinkie Pie through this episode, we get an amazing look into her psyche and how connected she is to other ponies, and to be isolated from them leads her into depression and mental deterioration. The darkness and maturity of the tone of this episode really works in contrast to the on-the-surface portrayal of its main character. This is why Pinkie Pie is one of my favorite characters. She's so diverse, complex, and ever growing in this series while still being a really fun comic relief character in the mix. The only other comic relief character I can think of that pulls that off well is Sokka from Avatar: The Last Airbender. So if you can match fucking Sokka, you're doing something right. This episode is a perfect example of this, and the overall enjoyable nature of this episode matched with all of its perfections can make me overlook the slapdash Celestia letter and give this episode an outstanding 10/10!
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, folks, we're here. The next review on Monday is the season one finale: "Best Night Ever."
     
    But is it really the best night ever? There's a lot of praise for this finale. Will it hold up to expectation? Or will it fall flat on its ass?
     
    I guess we'll have to find out on Monday, as we continue the season one wrap up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    THE FUCKING EYELASH IS STILL IN MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
  16. PrymeStriker
    I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL WEEK LONG.
     
    Why, PrymeStriker?
     
    BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY TWILIGHT IS FUCKING IMMORTAL.
     
    What are you talking about?
     
    YOU CLEARLY HAVEN'T READ MY PREVIOUS REVIEW, WHERE TWILIGHT DIED AND CAME BACK TO LIFE TWICE.
     
    Why are you talking to yourself?
     
    BECAUSE I'VE KILLED ALL OF MY FRIENDS ALREADY.
     
    And I think I've figured out the answer. If you'd just turn your attention to the chalkboard.
     

     
    I have discovered that the answer to this enigma is, as you can see on the left, 42. So with just a simple google search...
     

     
    You can see that Tara Strong is, in fact, 42.
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    This is all I've discovered.
     
    ...
     
    Well, shit, that doesn't answer a goddamned thing. :diamondtiara:
     
    YOU MEAN I STAYED UP FOR FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT FOR NOTHING?! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO MY REVIEW NOW?!
     
    :=:
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    :scoots:
     
    Just....just think about "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up."
     

     
    That should keep me awake.
     
    Now, what are we doing anymore? Oh, right, "A Dog and Pony Show." This is another episode that exists. I actually don't have a predisposition for this one, as I've had with similar episodes of obsolete boredom like "Sonic Rainboom" or...uhm...actually, that's the only episode I was bored with so far.
     
    ...Huh...
     
    Alright, then. Onward to figure out whether or not I will remotely enjoy this episode. This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "A Dog and Pony Show," then HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TWILIGHT IS FUCKING IMMORTAL.
     
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    I need a drink...
     
    The episode opens up with Rari-
     
    Hold on. Is this...a Rarity episode?
     
    ...
     
    Heheh.
     
    So, Rarity's open for "business," if you know what I mean, at Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chique, unique, and needs intense dry cleaning after you're done. Enter Sapphire Shores, another celebrity in Ponyville we are never told about. Why do shows like to introduce in-universe celebrities this way? Why not tease them in a previous episode or something subtly so we can help feel the power of the celebrity as well. I know it's nitpicky, and probably too much to ask for, but they do this all the time and it's kind of annoying. Hoity Toity, Sapphire Shores, Photo Finish, Trenderhoof (though, they did tease him earlier in the episode), that Countess character from season five that went from writing dance-pop songs to piano pop songs and somehow the latter is better because piano. It's just...irritating now.
     

    I wonder where she is now that Rara has out-charted her? She's probably a meth addict now. She was probably a meth addict then, I mean, look at that face.
     
    Anyways, Sapphire Shores wants a dress for her new performance or some shit, and commissions Rarity to do it. She wants it to be dazzling and stuff, so of course, Rarity borrows Twilight's slave to be her slave. In seriousness, that's how the episode goes. Spike trades slave owners to do physical labor for little pay. Well, at least our little friend has masturbation fuel for later on tonight. Meanwhile, as Rarity and Spike are digging up jewels for Sapphire's dress, these creeper dogs with annoying voices plot to capture Rarity.
     

    I spy with my derp eyes, something screwable.
     
    The cartoon explains that the dogs just want her so that she can use her jewel-detecting unicorn powers to dig gems for them, but we all know what they'll do in their spare time. They obviously wanna fuck the shit out of her. Of course, with Rarity, you needn't kidnap her to get her to clean your whistle, just ask. She's always happy to love you long time. Unfortunately, for our uninformed friends, they simply kidnap Rarity, leaving Spike, 'cause they're not gay. Spike is left to do his best Darth Vader impression.
     

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
     
    It's up to Spike to...go get help from the companions of his slave master. As the ponies dig and fight with the Diamond Dogs, as they're called, Spike daydreams about what Rarity must be having to do. Poor naive Spike doesn't realize she's waxing candlesticks, so he thinks some kind of epic battle is going down. He also dreams of this face.
     
    ...
     
    Nightmare fuel, isn't it?
     
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    Why is it that Rarity always makes the scary faces?
     
    ...
     
    Meanwhile, Spike kisses Rarity.
     

    Spike! No! You have no idea where that tongue has been recently!!!!!!
     
    Suddenly, everyone falls down a hole. Once they hit underground floor, they land in the Diamond Dogs' cave systems. Twilight uses the same gem finding spell to find Rarity, but all the while, she is in one of the Diamond Dog's corridors sucking them all locating gems for them. Rarity takes this point in time to start fucking with the dogs, and not in a physical way. No, she actually starts to bitch, moan, question their logic, and insult the hell out of them (kind of how I act with other humans) in order to annoy them enough to let her go. Over time, this eventually wears the dogs down. She is no longer screwable.
     

    Rarity impersonating Tumblr users on a daily basis.
     
    Once Twilight and the gang finally find Rarity, and Spike ready to save the day, the dogs have had enough and willingly return her to freedom. And with her, she is allowed take a shit ton of a gems with her. The dogs look mortified. They probably saw her rotting, STD-infested c*Saves Draft*nt, and realized they had AIDS now, but I digress. In the end,
    . I bet you'd love that moral, Twilight, considering you've cheated the laws of time and physics that would make oneself weak! SPILL THE SECRETS OF YOUR IMMORTALITY ALREADY!!!! 
    ...
     
    And that was "A Dog and Pony Show."
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Huh. That was thoroughly enjoyable.
     
    I actually found the comedy to be to quite self-sufficient, the plotline didn't drag on like I initially thought it did, and the whole goal of the premise was executed in a creative, smartass way. Unlike previous portrayals of the character, Rarity kicks all kinds of ass in this episode, and the moral is a strong one itself. Though I'm not sure the whole "whining to get your way" is a good moral for children, it's a perfect moral for adults. I mean, just look at any civil rights movement in today's society. #REKT This is all excusable, however. A point off for the fact that this isn't an episode I'd come back to watch over and over, so similarly to how I ranked "Applebuck Season," I am going to give "A Dog and Pony Show" a 9/10.
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Ugh, Christ, I'm tired, though.
     
    No sleep in four days can't be healthy. I guess you could say I'm a....living...tombstone....
     
    (LAUGH TRACK LOL)
     
    In that case, I'm going to sleep for the next 48 hours, and then on Monday, I'll hit the books again to unravel the mystery of Twilight's immortality. 'Cause this shit is pissing me off now. Like, I'd strangle Twilight, but she'd just come back to life again!
     
    (LAUGH TRACK LOL x2 FUNNY)
     
    With that, see you guys on Monday.
     

     
    :okiedokielokie:
  17. PrymeStriker
    ........................
     

     
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    ............................................
     
    What the fuck is Australia Day?
     
    ...............
     
    No, seriously, when the fuck did we decide this was a thing?
     
    ...
     
    I need to Google this shit, hold on.
     
    ...
     
    Oh. It's an actual thing, and not something Tumblr declared was a holiday because feminism or some dumb fuck-around. Thank God. I'd wish you all a happy Australia Day, but that require me to be a decent human being. As we all know, I am not a decent human being.
     
    Well, I had my "MLK" special, now I have to think about some joke for Australia.
     
     
     
    You guys gave us the Wiggles. I rest my case.
     
    Now, on to "The Show Stoppers." This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, I'll put you down under.
     
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    Oh, wait, this is the CMC episode. I'm the one down under here.
     
    Ah, yes, well, fuck this episode. /review
     

     
    Fine, I'll do a full review. But I'm going to be extra irritated with this review not only because this is a full-fledged CMC episode, but also because I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT MY NETFLIX PASSWORD, SO I HAVE TO LISTEN TO BLIND-REACTION McBORINGFUCK choose the worst times to talk over shit. Now, I know what you're thinking. Why not use Dailymotion? Fuck Dailymotion. Dailymotion is for people who like to take pictures of cacti and pretend their gigantic dildos. Furthermore, let's enter the episode. It opens up Applejack showing the kids her treehouse. That probably means what you think it means, but remember, Cheerilee is the pedophile in my canon.
     

    This used to be where I played with my toys. And by toys, I mean vibra-
     
    The CMC say they don't really like it, but they end up working on it anyway. After the bane of my existence plays, we cut to Scootaloo doing some totally wicked tricks across Ponyville to get to the clubhouse. There, Apple Bloom shows that she has fixed up the clubhouse all nice and peertee. Looking for Sweetie Belle, they find her cleaning off a table as she sings a beautiful CMC theme she just made up. GEE, THAT'S TOTALLY NOT THEIR SPECIAL TALENTS. LETS HAVE THEIR CUTIE MARKS BE ABOUT HELPING OTHER KIDS GET THEIR CUTIE MARKS. THAT'S NOT CONTRIVED, TOTALLY RIDICULOUS, AND STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...............Yeah, expect a nice clean stab at "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" every time a CMC episode comes around.
     

    Goddammit, Applejack. Stop stalking us ya creep.
     
    So they go into their clubhouse in aims to figure out how to achieve their cutie marks. They embark on a series of unsuccessful journeys, including helping out on the farm, raping pigs on the farm, taffy making at Sugarcube Corner, Rainbow Dash killing at Sugarcube Corner, dying hair at Rarity's, dying at Rarity's, and playing fun card games. They also tried to climb a rock and become a librarian at Twilight's library. Oh, poor Twilight. Ever since the Cockatrice killed her, Spike just hasn't been the sa-
     

    HOLY SHIT! O_O
     
    SHE'S ALIVE! What the fuck?! She's supposed to be dead! Snail food! What the hell is this wizardry?! .....CHEERILEE! YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS, DIDN'T YOU, BITCH WITCH!
     
    Eh, nah, Cheerilee wouldn't be concerned with saving Twilight. Maybe if it was one of the kids she molests, but not Twilight. Then how did Twilight return? Hmmmmmm..........I guess we'll have to figure this out later. Twilight, having returned from the dead, talks to the young fillies about how obsessive-compulsive they are being about their cutie marks, and that they should let their breasts come in naturally. The CMC isn't having any of Twilight's voodoo shit, though, but soon become interested when Cheerilee shows the girls a flyer for the school talent show. They proceed to have a terrible idea.
     

    FANTASTIC! We'll try out for the TALENT SHOW!!! Dumb fucks.
     
    Yes, yes, so this plotline revolves around the CMC trying out for the talent show. Great. Unfortunately, the three of them get their "talents" mixed up. Kind of like "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" got the entire point of their arc mixed up. I hate everything. Anyway, in the context of this episode, we learn that Scootaloo is good at stunts/tricks, Sweetie Belle is a good singer/songwriter, and Apple Bloom is great at making things appealing to the eye. You might assume for the talent show, Scootaloo would be in charge of their choreogrpahy, Sweetie Belle would compose a pop tune, and Apple Bloom would work on decorations, right? NO! Sweetie Belle wants to be like her big SISTER and be a slutty bitch crack whore costume designer (so she'll work on the set), Scootaloo wants to write the song, which leaves Apple Bloom to do the choreography. Fantastic! Blah blah blah, highjinx ensue, and this is the result of their work:
     


    ... 
    Yep...
     
    So that happens, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders end up getting the prize for best comedy. I don't know. I didn't laugh. Then again, I find great pleasure in the suffering of other people, so my opinion is not valid in that regard. Unfortunately, they don't get their cutie marks, but they do learn a very important lesson.
     
    They should pursue comedy.
     
     
     
     
     
    Again, that's not a joke. That's what they learn at the end of this episode.
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    That's seriously "The Show Stoppers." And what do I think of it?
     
    Again, for my analysis of this episode alone, I will remove "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" from the equation. What we're left with is MLP's attempt at a comedy-based episode with no real 'moral,' just entertainment value. Depending on who you are, the lack of a real lesson to teach is either neutral or negative, but it's clearly almost never a positive. So that's one detraction from this episode. So, with nothing to build up to, then there's another point to this episode, and that's the aforementioned entertainment value. Done right, theme-less comedy episodes for any show can be a hoot-and-a-holler. Unfortunately, "The Show Stoppers" is not one of them. They might amuse a young child, or anyone else with a softer sense of humor, but when you're someone like me who enjoys the rants of George Carlin and the giant middle finger to society that is South Park, there's nothing of substance here.
     
    Now, there's only one other reason this episode exists, and that's to set up the CMC arc. Let's bring "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" in for this point. This is the very episode that I was referring to when talking about how they teased a completely different direction for their arc. By this episode, you get a clear understanding of where these characters are heading with their special talents, and as the episodes move along, they build on this foundation at an arguably well-balanced pace so as to finally lead to something interesting at the end. That's not done, as we know from my rant on the season 5 episode, so what ELSE is the fucking point of this episode? All three things that could possibly be of substance here are removed, so there's just this enormous hole in the first season with this episode. No point, whatsoever. Unfortunately I'm not going to give this episode anything lower than a 5/10, because it's not terrible by any means. It's just REALLY pointless.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Are we back in character now? Great.
     
    So that leaves just one more question. If Twilight Sparkle died in "Stare Master," how did she return?
     
    Let's honestly think about this (even though I made the death up in the first place), because this will drive me insane for days on end....
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
     
     
     
     
    Wait a minute....
     

     

    ..........
     
    Oh................my God.........................
  18. PrymeStriker
    Hmph. Do I really remember that afternoon?
     
    ...
     

    Oh. That makes more sense.
     
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    Well, I'm gonna go play Swordburst Online now.
     
    ...
     
    OH SHIT, WAIT, IT'S FRIDAY! I HAVE TO DO A REVIEW! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
     
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHello everyone. Today we're going to be reviewing the classic My Little Pony episode, "Stare Master."
     
    Yes, it's true, "Stare Master" was the very first episode of this show that I watched. I really don't remember the afternoon in which it took place, but I was flipping through channels and I stumbled upon the Hub. I used to watch Transformers: Prime on the Hub before I even considered My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic as a thing, and no, as I've mentioned before, the "gender line" never crossed my sheltered little mind, so I must have been interested in what else was on the channel. I mean, Prime was such a great show, what else could Hasbro churn out?
     
    ...Well, they had Dan Vs. That was about it...
     
    I wonder what it was about this episode that made me just completely forget about the show until a whole year later. I sat through a good portion of it, all the way to the end in fact! Why did it take "Epic Wub Time" of all fucking things to get me interested in the show when I had this episode as a first impression. Did it not strike me as much as Prime?
     
    LOL SEE WHAT I DID THERE "PRIME" "STRIKE" LOLOL GENIUZ
     
    Let's find out! This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen the "Stare Master," odds are, you watch Transformers: Prime. It's good, right?
     
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    Onward to find the Omega Keys!
     
    So the episode opens up with Swee-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
     

    OUT YOU DEMONS! AWAY FROM THIS HOUSEHOLD! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!!
     
    It's a fucking Cutie Mark Crusaders episode!!! Shit! I should'a seen it coming! The Cutie Mark Crusaders sent me away from this series from the get-go! IT WAS A SIGN! THEY WERE TRYING TO WARN ME OF THE COMING ALL-PISSING STORY ARC FUCK UP!
     
    ...
     
    The episode opens up with Rarity, actually, with Sweetie Belle in the background, pacing all over the place trying to find something I can't be bothered to go back and listen for. It's probably one of her sex toys. That's when Fluttershy shows up with the other two demons from Hell + Opalescence as THE STARE is foreshadowed very, very subtly. And by very subtly, I mean they shit the foreshadowing into their hand and smear it all over our faces until we vomit that we understand the direction of this episode. So, unfortunately, as if this plot wasn't confusing enough, Rarity doesn't have time to watch the CMC for their slumber party because she has to make dresses or some shit. That's when Fluttershy offers to take them for the night.
     

    This is gonna be a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong episode.
     
    So the CMC spend the night at Fluttershy's trying to find their special talent. I understand this is the first episode where they genuinely attempt this, but it's so out-of-place knowing this is what they do all series long, and even more frustrating when you learn the conclusion. At least for me, anyway, I've heard "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" is generally praised in the fandom. Unfortunately, you can't possibly mistake me for someone who gives a good flying fuck, so we'll just move on. The gang comes across Twilight, who believes Fluttershy is incapable of watching over the children. However, Fluttershy says that he can handle them, saying that these "angels" (who have ruined my life) will be no trouble at all. I'm sure it's easy for you to say that, Fluttershy, YOU DON'T KNOW THE THINGS I'VE SEEN! YOU DON'T KNOW THE THINGS I'VE DONE! I'VE KILLED A MAN, MOTHERF-
     

    See that, Fluttershy? THAT'S how you cheer. Maybe next time "Sonic Rainboom" runs on repeat for the 500th time, you'll get it right!
     
    So, as you might imagine, the "little angels" aren't so angel-ish once they get to Fluttershy's house. They want to discover their special talent, and they suggest a variety of different things. These activities range from creature catching in the Everfree Forest to performing heart surgery on broken shelves. To no avail, of course, we'll pull something COMPLETELY out of left field in season five, trust me! Alright, alright, that's enough "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" bashing for one review paragraph. As the Crusaders make more of a mess trying to crusade, Fluttershy suggests they go to bed. Which is odd, considering 1) It's a sleepover, you don't go to bed at a fucking sleepover, and 2) THEY JUST GOT THERE! It was about this point in the episode that I as a twelve-year-old impressionable youth tuned in to the show for the first time. And this was among the first things I saw:
     


    lel, instant fan 
    At this point in time, I was also binge watching shows like "Jem and the Holograms," and grew up on Disney Channel, so I was no stranger to extremely gay music numbers. I still don't have a problem with them so long as they're done right and have musical merit of their own. Thankfully, this lullaby is no "Let the Rainbow Remind You," so I'll be good for now. Besides, that one pretty much kicked ass and was quite amusing. No wonder I stayed to finish the episode when I could've just as easily gone and watched something much more potent, like "Drake and Josh." Meanwhile, the CMC escape to the backyard to corral the chickens that escaped. Then, this happens.
     

    HOLY SHIT! ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED!
     
    Jesus CHRIST that was creepy as fuck! So, this is apparently the so-called "stare" that was foreshadowed earlier. Meh. Fluttershy takes the children back to bed, but they stay up anyway. Again, whole point of a sleepover. They discuss that they still need to find their special talent. Apple Bloom recognizes that one of the chickens escaped into the Everfree Forest, and set out to rescue it. Sneaking past Fluttershy, they make their way into the wilderness. Soon after, Fluttershy discovers that the kids are missing once again, and must venture out to find them before something not-so-TV-Y happens. It's too late, Fluttershy. Your damn episode already lead to something not-so-TV-Y. And it's called "PrymeStriker's Episode Reviews!" Only on the Hub!
     

    You're responsible for all of this! I bet that makes you feel like shit! Muahahhahaha........................................That's all I've got for this caption. Move along.
     
    So Fluttershy ventures out into the Everfree Forest to find Twilight Sparkle stoned out of her mind. This could only be the work of a Cockatrice! No, seriously, it's the work of a Cockatrice. Didn't know that a Cockatrice was a thing? Well, it is! This leaves the children in incredible danger, as they could become drug addicts like Twilight. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, meanwhile, come across the chicken thingy before Fluttershy can find them, and a chase ensues. As they all cross paths, the Cockatrice tries to turn Fluttershy to stone but, and I'm not kidding, he uses THE STARE to save the day.
     
    Yep....seriously...look:
     

    Turn me to stone? I'M ALREADY MADE OF STONE! Get it? Because she went tranny in "Bridle Gossip" and now he has a stone di-
     
    Yes, even though the Cockatrice is clearly winning on a physical level, Fluttershy psychologically tortures the animal until it gives up. That's our resolution. That's it, episode over.
     
    ...
     
    Well, actually, the CMC learn to listen to Fluttershy, and there's this whole ending scene that's actually very charming where Rarity can't control them but Fluttershy shows that she can and stuff. It's quite cute. But THEN the episode's over.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    And that was "Stare Master."
     
    So, this episode is pretty mediocre, honestly. The resolve is kind of ridiculous for the situation it sets up in the climax and the moral is almost completely unrelatable unless you want to do "Illuminati Confirmed" everything, but on the flip-side, the CMC and Fluttershy's dynamics are very charming. I don't know if it should balance out the awkwardness, but it does. And this episode holds a special place with me as being the very thing that introduced me to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Having re-watched this episode, I completely understand not coming back to this series for another year as nothing about this episode would strike me as groundbreaking, neither then 'nor now.
     
    I guess it goes to show the lukewarm nature of the episode was even there with me at a time where I wasn't fully capable of analyzing anything or being able to articulate why I liked something or why I didn't. The only difference now is that I can tell you what worked for me and what failed, no matter how brief or extensive I want to rant about it. It's kind of sad that I can't say anything praise-worthy about the first episode I watched of this series, but if it's any consolation, the next real episode of the show that would eventually get me hooked on the series was "A Friend in Deed." When we get there, we can all have a gush-fest together. For now, I'm giving "Stare Master" a 7/10 overall.
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, that was a nice trip into the past. I mean, this whole "rewatching the series" arc is a nice trip into the past overall, but this episode especially. Now I'm gonna have to go binge-watch Season 1 Transformers: Prime again to get the full experience of one of the last years of my innocence. And lucky me, I've got a whole weekend to do it. Yippee. No matter the nutcase, I'll see you guys again on Monday to review "The Show Stoppers."
     
    ....wait....."The Show Stoppers......"
     
    A.......another CMC episode?
     

     
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    *Meanwhile, remaining in the Everfree Forest*
  19. PrymeStriker
    It's MLK day, and you know what that means...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ..........Rainbooms????
     
    ...
     
    Nailed it.
     
    I don't know about you whippersnappers, but I personally remember the day MLK was shot. It was a warm sunny day in 2001, and the birds were a-chripin'...it must have been September-ish. Then, all of a sudden, everyone in the nation heard a loud pop. There was live news coverage, 'cause there was smoke coming out of his first tower, but after a while they went and shot his second tower and he dun collapsed like dat.....
     
    .....or maybe I was on drugs that day. Yes, I did spank as a two-year-old. Got a prollum wit dat?!
     
    .....I don't know what spank is. I've lost control of my narrative. Fuck it. "Sonic Rainboom." It's an episode. Spoilers ahead. Noobs fuck off.
     
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    So, where were we?
     
    Ah, yes, "Sonic Rainboom." An iconic episode to cover. But why is it so iconic? I don't know, this fandom's insane. Let's find out, shall we? The episode opens up with Rainbow Dash teaching Fluttershy how to cheer. Oh, THIS is where that annoying "
    " meme came from!!! OOOOOOOH! I couldn't care less. Anyways, as you might imagine Fluttershy's default volume is -25 dB and is unable to cheer loud enough for Rainbow Dash's pleasure. She then facehoofs. 

    Fluttershy, I oughta fuck you up........................................................come to think of it...
     
    After the title sequence rapes me and my innocence, we come back to Rainbow Dash acting like a "badass." Then, she attempts the "Sonic Rainboom!" She succeeds! End of episode!
     
    ...
     
    Whoops, we have 20 more minutes to fill. Nope, she fails the Rainboom and falls into Twilight's library, where she's talking to the other members of the main cast. For the next five minutes, Pinkie Pie explains to the viewers Twilight all the important plot points for the rest of the episode, such as the nature of the Best Young Flyers competition in which Rainbow Dash is participating in, and the definition of a "Sonic Rainboom." Apparently, the Sonic Rainboom is, like, really hard to pull off. If she can do it, she could win the competition and a day with the Wonderpets Wonderbolts. Problem is, she hasn't done a Rainboom since she was young, and I don't mean to be judgmental, but she's put on a few pounds since then. Rainbow Dash says its Fluttershy's fault because he didn't cheer with more vigor, so she says she wishes the others could come and watch her. However, non-Pegasi can't walk on the clouds of Cloudsdale, which is technically racist...again. Twilight then figures out a complex spell to do this.
     

    Oooh my God! Rarity finally got her wings! Looks like all those late nights and lubricant finally paid off!
     
    This spell allows Rarity to not only fly, but also visit Cloudsdale. Now, you'd think the others would also have wings, but no. Twilight decides that after giving Rarity wings, it's a good time to find a less strenuous spell, and uses that to allow the others to walk on clouds. Plot convenience at its not-so-best. Rainbow Dash uses this as an opportunity to show her friends around her home town. I don't know about you guys, but when I want to show my friends around my home town, I always take them to an important factory first, just so they can fuck around with everything. Subsequently, Pinkie Pie tries to eat some Rainbows.
     

    Notice how she turns every color but purple. Even the animators are racist.
     
    Then, three random wankers from the left side of retard show up to make fun of Rainbow Dash and stare at Rarity's upskirt. I guess we won't ever see them again, and they totally won't become central to the plot development of three important episodes. Trouble is, they're just not important to this one. Well......actually, that's unfair, because they do spark Rainbow Dash's anxiety against performing. They're just overshadowed because Rarity carries the torch the rest of the way with her vanity. Out of character? I don't know, I just assumed this was her blowjob day-job. Rarity, for some reason, thinks she should enter the competition as well. Later, it's the event we've all been waiting for, and Rainbow Dash is feeling a little bettaAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
     

    WHAT THE FUCK! OH MY GOD! HOLY SHIT! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?! WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK?!?!!!?!!?!?!?!
     
    I wouldn't wanna perform either after seeing this travesty of fashion! Why wasn't Hoity Toity around when this shit happened?! Oh my GOD! WHAT THE FUCK?! *ahem* Agh....I'll try not to remember the fact that her face will haunt my nightmares for the next decade. Anyways, Rainbow Dash keeps switchin' up the numbers until she is the last contestant, and Rarity spends earlier minutes preparing for that nightmare fuel above, so they are forced to go out together. Rarity changes the music to more classical tones from Rainbow Dash's rock'n'roll, both generally horrible genres of music, as they attempt to perform together. Rarity does some shit dance in the sky as Rainbow Dash tries to remember her routine. Tries being the key word here.
     

    CRASH! Mothafucka! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
     
    Then, as you might imagine, Rarity's wings evaporate in the middle of her show. Falling from the sky, the Wonderbolts try to save her, but all four of them are dumbasses as they all fall their doom. It's up to RAINBOW DASH to save the day. And she's gonna save the day with style! She's gonna save the day with finesse! She's gonna rock the show! She's gonna charge the spraycan! She's gonna skate the moonwalk! She's gonna pants the shirt-leg! She's gonna plug the drug cable! She's gonna rape your daughter! I'm just typing filler for this paragraph so I can display the SONIC RAINBOOOOOOOOMMMMMMNM!!!!!!
     

    WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI was a preacher last entry.....
     
    Rarity learns not to be an idiot (which is short-lived, as well all know, because "Simple Ways" exists), and Rainbow Dash learns that she's awesome and wins the competition. The End.
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    ......So...what was the moral?
     
    Rarity learned that you should keep your "hooves on the ground" and to be there for your friends, and to not let arrogance run away with you? That sounds like that moral was phoned it at the last minute, and it also sounds like a lesson for RAINBOW DASH. Unfortunately, the main character of this episode learns nothing as a result of this. Hooray for the lack of character development. That said, however, this episode isn't horrible. Lack of character development? Irritating. Rarity? Irritating. But outside of that, nothing else to say. This episode is pretty popular for, from what I can tell, no other reason outside of "Rainbow Dash is cool." I'm giving "Sonic Rainboom" a 7/10 for just being pretty straightforward outside of the overhype and structural weakness.
     
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  20. PrymeStriker
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    Good afternoon, students.
     
    Welcome to our afternoon Friday afternoon congregation this afternoon. Last Monday's assignment was to watch the My Little Pony episode "Feeling Pinkie Keen," which highlights everything wrong with satanic devil worshiper that is Pinkamina Diane Pie. I have done this myself, and I have written my sermon today around showing the flaws of her teachings and practices.
     
    But first, let us open our ceremony in prayer to our heavenly mother.
     

     
    *chants* Agar Bamba raqs mumkin / One I bo'laman sizlar uchun men bo'laman siz uchun / sizlar uchun inoyat a bit / men uchun, endi sizlar uchun men bo'laman / kelib, kelib inoyat bir oz muhtoj. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*Saves Draft*aaaaaaah.
     
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    Alright, students, now let's dive in...
     
    ...and take a look at a scripture from the Holy Solra. Turn with me to Luna 18:4 - 5.
     
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    There, it says, "4 For some time she refused. But finally she said to herself, ‘Even though I don’t fear Celestia or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she is destroyed, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’"
     
    ...
     
    Ehh, Luna was going through her 'Nightmare Night' phase at this point......I chose the wrong scripture.....
     
    ...
     
    *ahem*.............This is a spoilers review, so if you have not seen this episode, you are NOT A REAL CELESTIANITE AND MUST BE SEVERELY PUNISHED, CANNN I GEHEHHTT AN AMMEEENJ OONN DAAYAYYAAATTTTTUTTTUTTTUUTUTUTAH!
     
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    Very well, let's delve in to see why Pinkie Pie must be eliminated from Equestria.
     
    Well, the episode opens up with Sister Twilight and Spike in town. I don't mean to bring up MY FORMER SELF, but I TOLD YOU GUYS THAT'S HOW ALL THE BAD EPISODES START!!!! Anyway, this time, they're not "walking into town" like the others, but rather practicing magic in town. I guess their library was undergoing maintenance at this point in time? Suddenly, they're interrupted by the devil herself, Pinkie Pie, doing crazy things.
     

    I bet she's hiding from us Celestianites, of whom are ready to burn her at the stake and make cupcakes out of her. Just like she did to Rainbow Dash
     
    Sister Twilight and Brother Spike follow Pinkie Pie to see what she's up to. She says that her tail is a "twicha-twitchin'." Logically, we CELESTIANITES know that this is likely a symptom of a stroke, but to the SHEEP at the First Church of Cupcakes, this is some kind of grail of her majesty. Pinkie Pie claims that it's her "pinkie sense," in which says that things will begin to fall from the sky. Likely story, Pinkie Pie. What's the follow up to this prophecy? It's raining frog-
     

    ......................................................Not gonna make the joke..........................................
     
    ...Humph. Well, it's probably a coincidence. As we find out after the title sequence, it is in fact JUST A COINCIDENCE. The local town transgender, Fluttershy, dropped one of his frogs from his act of migrating the overpopulated group to Froggy Bottom Bog. Now, we all know what we CELESTIANITES think of Fluttershy's...species, but we'll save that for another sermon, CAN I GAAHHHENNEN AMMEHMMNNNNN AWWNNN DAHH-*COUGHS BLOOD*...........*ahem*, I can't do that anymore. Can I just get an amen on that? Thank you. Now, back to the story, Sister Twilight becomes intrigued with this COMPLETE COINCIDENCE, but decides to return to her magic practice. However, Brother Spike has converted to the dark side, believing in her so called "pinkie sense." The monster has stolen another of our brethren. Suddenly, Sister Twilight falls in a ditch.
     

    Heh, looks like Pinkie Pie finally got to shove a purple pony into her own grave.
     
    .....I'm....I'm sorry, that joke was unholy of me. Forgive me, my lord. Please, let's continue the sermon as ruled.
     
    So, after Pinkie Pie so called "predicted" Twilight would fall in a ditch, Applejack comes along to clearly bring rhyme to reason. Instead, we find out that Applejack is also one of Pinkie Pie's believers. Fu-...I mean...forget her! She was never a Celestianite to begin with. Applejack says that if "Pinkie Pie's a twichin, ya better listen," which is followed by Pinkie Pie's flappy ears. Again, stroke, but I digress, as it apparently means Twilight's going to need a bath. How ridicu-
     

    Heh....let's get Rainbow Dash in here, she'll totally get off to this.
     
    Agh...Goddammit...another unholy jest....
     
    .....
     
    .....OH, CRAP, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY "GODDAMMIT," I MEANT....ERR..."
    !" PLEASE DO NOT SMITE ME MY LORD!  
    ...
     
    So...heheh...um....sorry....errr......while Twilight's in the bath...Pinkie Pie explains how her pinkie sense works, which Twilight and the rest of us Celestianites know is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. However, Pinkie Pie soon brings up the argument that our belief in magic is the same thing. Twilight detests this and decides to run a series of experiments to prove that Pinkie Pie is full of crap.
     

    Time to thwart your religion with science! That's what smart people do!
     
    Unfortunately, for Sister Twilight, this results in a series of mishaps, ranging from an unsuccessful experiment to...well...this series of events. Now, you may be thinking, "Pinkie Pie is trying to kill Sister Twilight!" All I have to say to you, brother, is......probably. She's not dead, however, and proceeds to show immense frustration over Pinkie Pie and her illogical, indescribable "pinkie sense," likely as we all are, dear Celestianites. May I please get an amen on that?
     

    Look at her smug smile. The face of the Satan!
     
    In this instance, Pinkie Pie's full body shakes, which means she has finally had the stroke....or....not? She...she doesn't show symptoms of having just had a stroke...in fact...after her body shakes intensely...she's perfectly fine. What kind of sorcery is this? Err, I'm sure Celestia has a logical explanation for this. Pinkie Pie continues on to say that something "you don't expect to happen is gonna happen." What? Is Once Upon a Time finally gonna get cancelled? Actually, Pinkie says it's gonna happen at Froggy Bottom Bog, which is where the tranny went earlier in the episode. Worried about their friend, they go to investigate, but I'm sure that there's nothing bad happe-
     

    Oh for PIPS SAKE!
     
    Pinkie Pie knows everything! How could she predict this but not be able to determine that the leaves have fallen when she said they would never fall?! An enigma, her religion is! I don't understand this! Ugh....let me just finish this episode and then we can discuss why Pinkie Pie is...."the devil." After the gang is chased, beat up, shot at, and blown up, Pinkie Pie tells her "students" in confidence that this Hydra was not the doosey that she explained would happen at Foggy Bottom Bog. Twilight then explodes with fury, as we are no doubt doing, dear Celestianites, and our dear sister finally says that she...
     
    ......gives up?
     
    ...
     
    She...she says that Pinkie Pie's "pinkie sense...." somehow....makes sense.....................................................
     
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    At....at the end....Twilight says that there are wonderful things in this world that you can't explain, but....that doesn't make them any less true......and....you have to chose to believe in them.............................
     
    ...........................
     
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    And...that was "Feeling Pinkie Keen." Um, dear brothers and sisters...what does....what does "Feeling Pinkie Keen" tell us about Pinkie Pie.....and.....and how she's the devil.....? Well, there's...there's only one logical explanation........
     
    ...
     
    Fuck this religion. Fuck it right into the fucking ground, and fuck the rest of you fuckers.
     
    "Feeling Pinkie Keen" doesn't teach us anything about how Pinkie Pie's the fucking devil. It's a great commentary on the ridiculousness of clashing religion against religion. Twilight's beliefs were so hard-set on proving Pinkie Pie's wrong, and in the end, it didn't really matter. Twilight just "gave up," because as she said, there are things in this world that you can't explain. Trying to prove them wrong, however, just makes you look like a shitfaced cockbastard of an uncle fucker. Be it Christianity, Judaism, even Atheism, we all have the right to choose what we believe in. A fantastic moral for a fantastic episode. I give "Feeling Pinkie Keen" a 10/10.
     
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    As for this religion, I'm officially giving up my post as your preacher today, dear Celestianites. Put simply, it's a chore having to fuck around with you sons of bitches. Do you realize how long it's been since I've said a dirty, controversial joke? I spent the entirety of the last review straining not to say "fuck." This shit is the staple of my review series! So, y'all can kiss my ass as you watch me walk right out of this damn church. God bless yas.
     
    *leaves the Second Church of Sun Kings*
     
    ...
     

     
    ....
     
    *sigh*
     
    Look, Pinkie Pie, I know I've broken away from Celestism, but that doesn't mean I want to follow you again. Your episode did help me see the light of religious practice. You've shown me that I have the right to choose who I want to believe in and how I want to live my life. Therefore, I'm going to take my right to choose not to believe in any deity. In the end, I'm just gonna believe in myself and my craft, and when my time comes, so be it.
     
    ...
     
    Besides, you're a cartoon horse. I'm tripping balls. Screw my life, see you guys on Monday.
  21. PrymeStriker
    Aaaaaah.
     
    Good morning, my faithful students.
     
    Isn't it a bright and sunny day today? It's a bright and sunny day today. Let's all sit together and worship our lord in prayer.
     

     
    *chants* Salom, mening go'zal ma'buda / Men besh qurush qarz mumkin / Men keyingi eshik qo'shni besh bo'ladi / Men u dunyodagi eng issiq ayol eshak bola sifatida nima qilayotganini bilmaydilar / Salom Aaaaaaaaaah / Salom Aaaaaaaaaaaah / Agar meni eshitishingiz mumkin Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
     
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    Wasn't that refreshing? Now, what better way to start the brand new day, fellow brothers and sisters...
     
    ...then to recite a scripture from the Solra. Turn with me to Starswirl 3:17.
     
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    And when we get there
     
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    It says. "For Celestia sent not her Son into the world to condemn the world; because she had her tubes tied; but the world through incompetency might be saved."
     
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    Truly words to live by, isn't it brothers and sisters? Do you read what it says? Through INCOMPETENCY...the world might be saved. Through incompetency. We are truly living in a world of incomptency, isn't that right brothers and sisters? How lucky we are to be born in the same day and age as our lord and savior. Celestia.
     
    And now I am to address the congregation this fine morning with one of the finest examples of our dear lord's message. The My Little Pony episode "Suited for Success" teaches us that we are all slowly becoming incompetent, and that we will soon become the very mastery of the lord.
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, refer to Luna 7:23, which says "and blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me."
     
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    The episode, congregation, begins with Rarity, who is deciding which beautiful holy dress she will design for the Grand Galloping Gala. Unfortunately, my brethren, Rarity is what we as Celestianites call a "materialistic crack whore bitch." We should knock down her door and say "SISTAH! YOU NEED CELESTIA!" and hand her a pamphlet to one of our plays. That'll get her to change her life around today! Can I get an AMEN on that!
     
    Sistah! That is not the WAY! That is not the WAY! That is not the WAY! That is not the WAY! (If I say it enough, maybe she'll open her door). That is not the WAY!
     
    As we see, Rarity is using her cat as a means for social conversation and help running her business. Brethren, this sister REALLY needs Celestia, and an insane asylum. I digress, however. As we continue on, we see her friends enter her home uninvited. Applejack, who is what the kids call...*ahem*... "stoned-as-F," and Twilight Sparkle, the head of our congregation. I personally do not see why Sister Twilight just entered Rarity's room. Even if she is a "crack whore bitch," you must patiently wait at the door for hours on end, not do something effective like barge in there. Looks like they both need Celestia, CAN I GET AN AMEEEEENN ON THAAAT!
     

    "Darling, I respect your religion, but if this is what you go to 'church' with, you need to contemplate suicide."
     
    It turns out, Sister Twilight was hoping that Rarity could repair her dress for the Gala. As Rainbow Dash barges in through the roof, Rarity gets the idea that she should make dresses for Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. She also offers to make one for Pinkie Pie, but we will not mention her, because we all know what that tramp bitch did to us all last episode. Her and her false philosophies. She then progresses into a beautiful song.
     
    ...
     
    What am I saying? "Art of the Dress" bores me, and borderline annoys me. Not even a religion change can make me like this crap.
     

    Trippy, man. O_O
     
    Rarity then brings all of her friends to see her work. To put it bluntly, as my former self might have done it.......they hate it. Apparently, this is not what any of them envisioned, so they commission her to try again. Over the course of the next couple of days, as Rarity struggles to please her friends, the other five insist on making several changes to better suit their vision. This works poor Rarity into the ground. Sounds like she needs Celestia, CAN AH GAHN'N AHHHEMEMMMENNNN ON DAHYT!!!!!!!
     

    This remark is unholy of me, but....you want me to buy you the rope?
     
    She reprises her earlier song in a montage of stress. Maybe they should have called it "Art of the Stress." Do you FEEL me, brothers and sisters?! In this montage, Rainbow Dash says that her dress needs to be "about 20% cooler." Apparently, this phrase is popular with the youth. SOUNDS LIKE THEY NEED CELESTIA, CANFFJSK GETOSILK AMENS ON DIATUJHSIEEEEEEEEEETTTTTT?!?!??!?>!!?!!????!!1 *ahem* Finally, her friends accept the many, many revisions of the pieces. As an added bonus, Hoity Toity, one of the hotshot fashion critics in Canterlot, is coming to Ponyville to see Rarity's work! And just look at what beautiful dre-

    .......................................................................
     
    I mean, Rainbow Dash's outfit is 20% cooler than the others, but I'm biased because Pinkie Pie is sucking the air out of the color of life with her abominable presence. Unfortunately, the Hoity Toity guy hates the dresses, demanding to know who's responsible for this, and I quote, "horrors." Spike introduces Rarity to the stage to present herself. I can only imagine that Spike has no idea what's going on, for which, as my former self might have said, makes him a "big fat...ahem...D-word." Rarity then falls into a depression. Again, my former self might have reused the "she then commits suicide" joke that I used when I was a sinful Pinkie Pie follower. But no more, BECAUSE I FAWWUWNDNND CELESTIA CANAAH GETTANANNA AMEMEMEEEEEEEEENNNNNNUETSKJHIJTHJTN!
     
    *coughs blood*
     
    .........So her friends make it up to her.
     

    That dress looks terrible.
     
    Subsequently, Rarity is repaid through this act of materialism and her career is forever ruined. The end.
     
    ....
     
    Ha-ha-ha, I speak in jest, my brothers and sisters! My FORMER SELF might have just abruptly ended at that remark as a form of sarcasm, but SARCASM IS FOR THE DEVIL WORSHIPERS! No, no, no, my friends, Rarity gets one more chance to show her original designs to Hoity Toity, in which he had this to say:
     

     
    It looks like he just found Celestia, CUETIUITMSMNAMENESMONTHATEAMENMMESPLZLOL!
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    And that was "Suited for Success." What does it teach us about incompetency?
     
    Well, my brothers and sisters, it teaches us that we should always get involved in things we don't know about. As Rarity's friends pretended to know a darned thing about fashion, they showed us that ignorance is bliss, and those are the teachings of Celestia and her disciples. We must practice incompetency every single day of our lives if we are to live in an everlasting peace with her majesty. Therefore, I will give this episode an 8/10 for this truly holy moral. Praise our lord!
     
    No, but seriously though, this episode was pretty good overall, 8/10.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Wasn't that a refreshing lesson, brothers and sisters? We can truly learn a lot from Celestia and her teachings for our everyday life. Let us close with one final prayer.
     
    ...
     
    Endi u qadar uzoq vaqt davomida vaqti keldi / Lekin, biz faqat yana bir qo'shiq ayting / Sizning ishtirok qilish uchun rahmat / Siz ishonch hosil aqlli / Biz albatta istayman, hech narsa qilish mumkin.
     
    ...
     
    Aaah.
     
    ...
     
    One final announcement to the congregation, your book study assignment for the week is to watch the next episode of My Little Pony, "Feeling Pinkie Keen." You are to watch it and report back with a full review on how Pinkie Pie is the very embodiment of Satan himself and should be executed with the utmost force for her false teachings and unrealistic power. Remember, brothers and sisters, whenever you don't agree with something, use violence to put an end to it. I will return on our Friday congregation to give my report, and then we'll open it up to questions. Salami and bacon, my beloved brothers and sisters.
  22. PrymeStriker
    It's the holidays, and you know what that means!
     
    ...
     
    ...oh, hold on, it's not the holidays anymore. It's 2012!
     
    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    The Forums: "Son of a bitch, this horsefucker is back."
     
    You bet your swamp-ass I am! And I am ready for a brand new year of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months! And what better way to kick off a new year of that great stuff than to review another episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Let's remind ourselves of what episode we have to watch toda-
     

     
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    Fuck this shit. Goodbye.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    *Gets shoved back to desk and is forced to do review by mysterious entity that I will never explain*
    Hey, even if I wanted to do this episode, which I don't, I can't! I don't remember my Netflix password. Apparently when you don't use your computer for two weeks, it forgets shit, but I can go months on end doing anything on the computer other than watching Netflix and it will remember my password like it's the fucking eleventh commandment. So, ha, I can quit by default.
     
    *Mysterious entity links meh*
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    Mysterious entity, screw yourself. Screw yourself until you squirt blood. :okiedokielokie:
     
    Alright, goddammit, I'll sit through some prepubescent asswipe's blind commentary so that I can review the episode that started my suffering with the CMC arc. I wouldn't mind this episode ten months ago, but "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck Up" is just that powerful. This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, call your local cutie mark.
     
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    Grr.
     
    So, having started this video, I find that the blind commentary is made not by a prepubescent asswipe, but a postpubescent asswipe who is adding so much to this episode....by not saying shit. Luckily for me, this is just like watching the episode in a smaller screen with someone chiming in every once in a blue moon. On to the actual episode, it opens up with Cheerilee, the schoolteacher, showing some kids a tattoo on her ass.

    Cheerilee is a registered pedophile. That's right, I've even got sarcastic characteristics for the tertiary characters! Bite me, McCarthy!
     
    They talk about how ass tattoos are a sign of your special talent, whether it be picking flowers, sucking silver spoons, or assassinating people with your mad archery skills. This depresses Apple Bloom, Applejack's little sister from that one episode, as she gets picked on for being a blank flank. She then commits suicide.
     
    ...
     
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    The End.
     
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    ...
     
    As Apple Bloom and Twist walk home together, they get harassed by the bullies, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Twist tells Apple Bloom to "Run, Forrest, Run," but she's too suicidal for that shit. For some reason, Diamond Tiara still invites them to her Cutecienrasalsa or whatever the hell you call it. It's like a quinceanera but without the Spanish tradition or the dignity.
     

    "I hate you. Come to my party." Meanwhile, Diamond Tiara snaps her neck.
     
    At home, Apple Bloom bitches to Applejack about wanting a cutie mark now. And so she embarks on a quest to do whatever she can to get it! Wait, wait, they're going somewhere with this arc, I swear to God. So Apple Bloom is brought along to the apple stand in Ponyville where they sell marijuana. Apple Bloom harasses the townsfolk about buying apples, including the Doctor, but he's gotta go stop the Arachnos and doesn't have time for apples. Now bananas are a completely different story. They're a great source of potassium.
     

    Take me to your TARDIS, motherfucker.
     
    After Apple Bloom forces the Doctor to buy an apple, she's fired. She then looks for other work to help get her cutie mark, and visits Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash is too sport-enthused for her country folk, but after realizing her friend Twist has achieved her cutie mark in arranging candy canes in the shape of a heart, she will stop at nothing to find a new job and get her cutie mark! Clearly, she visits the local messiah, our lord Pinkie Pie. Her majesty sings a short but sweet (pun intended) song about baking cupcakes, and shows young Apple Bloom how to bake these treats. Unfortunately, they forgot the most important ingredient: weed. Apple Bloom is subsequently fired again.
     

    Turdcakes! I bake those on a daily basis!
     
    Twilight enters Sugarcube Corner, and after Apple Bloom bitches to her, the purple pony offers to help by giving Apple Bloom a faux cutie mark using magic. This is a terrible idea from the get-go, but the youngster insists on telling the future princess what to do. As you might imagine, it doesn't work, and Apple Bloom is essentially screwed. Poor little shit, all she wanted was an ass tattoo.
     

    No, Twilight! Cheerilee is the pedophile joke! You're the racism joke! Get it right!
     
    At the cutecienerahablahespanol, Apple Bloom arrives without a cutie mark. You see, Apple Bloom is embarrassed because, as she said earlier, she can't go to the cutceinsancha without a cutie mark. I've got a mind blowing idea for you...*ahem*....
     
    ...
     
    DON'T GO!
     
    FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU LITTLE SHIT, WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD TO GO TO THIS PARTY? YOU CAN STAY HOME AND PLAY NINTENDO FOR GOD'S SAKE, I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE DIAMOND TIARA IS YOUR BEST FRIEND! Oh, what's the matter, you'll get picked on at school if you don't go? MAKE UP SOME EXCUSE FOR THE REASON YOU COULDN'T GO! SAY YOU HAD AIDS OR SOMETHING. THAT USUALLY WORKS. If you'd just stay home, this whole episode would be fucking moot.
     
    Anyways, at the party, Apple Bloom wears a dress to cover up the fact that she doesn't have a cutie mark. Of course, she steps over it and her lack of one is revealed. That's okay, these other two blank flanks come over and support her. Their names are Scootabelle and Sweetie Loo. One's white trash and the other is a very clean bathroom.
     
    Don't you dare make fun of people who are different from you! That's what purple ponies are for!
     
    After they upstage Diamond Tiara liek a baws, the three of them become best friends and decide that they should search for their special talents together! Oh how joyful! But they soon come to their biggest dilemma yet. What should they call this secret club of incredible awesomeness? Hmm....
     
    ....
     
    *dun dunana*
     
    ....
     
    *dunanana dun DUN dun*
     
    ....
     
    *da da-da-da dah dah dah DAAAAAAAAAAAH*
     
    The Spice Girls.
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    And that concludes "Call of the Cutie." So, was it any good?
     
    The whole "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck Up" thing aside, this episode is pretty mediocre at best anyway. I mean, sure, it's one of the first episodes to focus on the children and the first episode to introduce the CMC, but this episode's conflict would have been completely avoidable if Apple Bloom had used common sense and not gone to Diamond Tiara's party. She didn't have to go - she was invited. Why would you want to go to your school bully's sweet 16? Unfortunately, Apple Bloom is fueled by greed in this episode and tries to impress the assholes. If it were me, I'd say "fuck 'em" and go listen to Beatles in my room. But I'm not a teenage horse, so what do I know? I give the episode a 6/10. Why not lower? Because of the "Cupcakes" song. All hail our lord and savior.
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Alright, it's official. I'm back and working on my regular schedule once again! A new year, a new volume of reviews, and a new hip for Granny Smith. Just kidding, she died of cancer. Just kidding, she's in prison. Just kidding.
     
    With that, I'll see you guys on Friday, where I will review "Fall Weather Friends."
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    What? Are you expecting some smartass remark about the upcoming review? No. Fuck you. It's 2012.
  23. PrymeStriker
    I was going to,
    do this entry in poem,
    but fuck that dumb shit.
     
    /haiku
     
    It's the holidays, and you know what that means!
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    PRESE-wait, no...
     
    ...
     
    VIDEO GA-no, I did that...
     
    ...
     
    VACATIO-no, no, no...
     
    ...
     
    SWARMS O-whoops, that's irrelevant...
     
    ...
     
    It's...the holidays and...it's time to...time to WRAP IT UP....???????????
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ..,
     
    Well...you could wrap up...your presents....
     
    Okay, so, like I said, this will be my last review of the year-(EVERYONE: HAAALLELUJAH)...before I return on January 4th...(EVERYONE: Dammit!).........so...........err..............intros are gay, let's cut to the review.
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "Winter Wrap Up," LOL YOU SUCK!
     
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    LOL
     
    So this episode opens up with Twilight in her bed, no doubt dreaming of being a princess. All of a sudden, she wakes up in excitement of the fact that today is Winter Wrap Up day! Spike awakens with the line "Mommy?" which is, when you think about it, kind of fucked up. No time for Spike, though, we never have time for Spike, as we must move the plot along! As Ponyville was started by Earth Ponies, they've never used magic to change the seasons. Instead, they clean it up themselves. Yay.
     

    Twilight, still running from the angry townsfolk that want her Grand Galloping Gala tickets...by running to the townsfolk.
     
    Everypony is ready to do their part in helping clean up winter and make way for Spring. Because, you know, winter's so last month. Fun fact, it was the day before Christmas when this episode aired. I guess the writers found the irony of the plot hilarious as well. I'm on to you fuckers. In the town square, the Mayor is commissioning everyone's assignments, and appoints everyone to their three team leaders: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and another background pony that the fandom has probably named at this point. I will call her...wait...is she....O_O
     

    PURPLE?!?!??!!
     
    REJOICE, TWILIGHT! YOU ARE NO LONGER THE ONLY PURPLE PONY IN PONYVILLE! OH AT LONG LAST, YOU HAVE FULFILLED THE OPPRESSION OF YOUR PEOPLE! Meanwhile, Twilight doesn't know what team she exactly fits on. Well, that sets you guys back like, 1,000 years. Forget what I said, in that case. Alright, so, as we continue on...we....
     
    ...
     
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    No...it...it can't be...
     

     
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    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
     


    SON OF A PIP! SON OF A FUCKING PIP! 
    The FIRST grandiose musical number on this show! Now I know why this episode is so memorable! This episode officially turned this show into a musical! Well, at least this song's catchy. Fuck you, Ingram.
     
    Alright, yeah, so, they sing about cleaning up and stuff. There's so much to do, Applejack can now legally be addicted to celery stalks and colorful flowers too for one day. Unfortunately, Twilight still doesn't know where she quite fits in, so she decides to shop around and see what exactly she can *Saves Draft* help out with.
     

    Alright, I demand to know who turned out the lights. Is this some kind of racist joke? Are you trying to say something?
     
    Twilight first visits Rainbow Dash to see if she can help her, but Twilight forgets that she doesn't have wings yet and is told to go away. She then visits Rarity in hopes to help her build nests. I bet she builds a lot of nests. Teehee. Anyway, Twilight sucks at building nests (and remembering things, but that's another issue entirely) as Spike says one of the funniest lines of season one, if not the whole series. Rarity says her nest isn't so bad, she says that they can probably "use it as a...uhm..." *spike interrupts with deadpan delivery* "an outhouse."
     

    lel
     
    After I spend 41 minutes laughing, Twilight decides to visit Lord Pinkie, who is skating on the ice to help cut lines in it so that it will break easily. Lord Pinkie is so clever, we should worship her. Twilight tries to help, but she sucks at that too. Twilight sucks at everything. Lord Pinkie refers Twilight to Fluttershy, who is telling all his friends about his sex change. Nah, actually, he's just waking the little critters from their hibernation. Twilight tries to help him, but she wakes up a shit ton of snakes, bats, and bees that attack her.
     

    Even bees hate purple ponies.
     
    Twilight gets frustrated because she can't use magic but can't find something to do. She needs to try something simple, so she chooses Applejack to help her with her drug farm. However, since she's too weak to push the snow mover thingy, she uses magic to do things faster. That mucks shit up more. 10/10. This pisses everypony off, even the Doctor (and we all know what happens when you piss him off), and that makes Twilight sad. She then commits suicide
     
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    The End
     
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    However, she undoes her suicide when she hears everyone bickering in town square. See, even though Winter Wrap Up is a tradition, they keep getting things done late because they're so disorganized. Purple ponies are naturally organized, however, and Twilight says "fuck you, I can eat organize all these apples ponies!" And so Twilight helms the ship and creates checklist after checklist after checklist to get shit done! After a montage with the "Winter Wrap Up" instrumental, Twilight earns her Team Organizer badge vest and becomes Princess of Organization.
     

    Hooray! You're different from us!
     
    Twilight writes some crap to Celestia and Spike falls asleep. And so ends "Winter Wrap Up!"
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, this episode is certainly enticing. It's a very interesting narrative to follow all the way through, even into the musical number, as Twilight struggles to find her place in Ponyville's wrap-up tradition. And in the end, when she finally fulfills her goal, we too feel a sense of completeness that was almost completely absent from any episode prior (aside from "Look Before You Sleep," of course). I quite enjoyed this episode very much, however, I think it's overrated. I've seen a lot of people overtly praise this episode secondary to its story, in favor of the fact that it was the first episode with an "official" musical number. Sure, we had short tunes from Pinkie Pie in the pilot, "Ticket Master," and "Bridle Gossip," but this was the first full-fledged explosion of song complete with cheesy melodies and out-of-place choreography. While I admit that the song is catchy, it's not the best MLP song by a long shot. Therefore, completely disregarding the song, the bare bones of this episode amount to being, well, passable. Regardless of how overrated it might be or the weakness of the bare structure, I must say that the enjoyable conflict, the completeness of the resolve, and Spike's "outhouse" joke make me rate this episode a 9/10.
     
    And that's all I have to say about that.
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, that's it for me this year, folks. I'll be going on vacation and won't be back to do reviews until January 4th, but that's okay! When I come back, we've got a lot of ground to cover! We've still got 15 episodes of season one, and the entirety of season two, on top of the premiere of season six (whenever it airs)! As a matter of fact, what's the first episode I get to review when I come back?
     

     
    ...
     
    The first Cutie Mark Crusader episode
     
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    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHappyHolidaysOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
     

  24. PrymeStriker
    It's the holidays, and you know what that means!
     
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    ...
     
    ...
     
    SWARMS OF INSECTS!
     
    "Swarm of the Century," My Little Pony's tenth episode, is about a little bug that seems cute at first, but then turns to be one of the most evil creatures in existence by eating away at stuff, and then coming in swarms. This concept was apparently so good that Transformers: Prime had to rip it off a couple months later. Well, at least "Scrapheap" was more memorable. This is probably one of the couple episodes in season one that I legitimately can't remember that well. I know it involved parasprites and Pinkie Pie's One Pony Band, but that's about it. Well, let's see if it was any good.
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, eat shit.
     
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    I bet you like it, too.
     
    This episode opens up with Fluttershy, picking flowers after her sex change in "Bridle Gossip". Finally at peace with himself, Fluttershy is about to open up a new can of worms, for he comes across a parasprite. It's too cute, so Fluttershy feeds it all his apples and decides to go show his friends, leaving behind, le gasp, A BASKET!!!!!!!
     

    NOT THE BASKET! NOOO!
     
    Back in Ponyville, the town is preparing for Princess Celestia's visit, when some ponies that the fandom's probably given a name by now hang a banner that says "Welcome Princess Celest." Apparently, they couldn't fit her whole name in, Princess Celest Sol Mi Amore LaSkylady Jones. Twilight, director of the arrangements now that everypony can be racist to Zecora instead of her, tells them to try again. She likes to flaunt her new law-given power. Her fun is interrupted, however, when Fluttershy shows her and Pinkie Pie the parasprite..........s?
     
    They multiply faster than Grand Galloping Gala tickets!!!
     
    Well, now that there's three, that means Twilight can have one! However, Pinkie Pie doesn't want one due to her new diabetes. Now she's gotta go find a trombone! Twilight and Fluttershy shake it off as just more Pinkie Pie shit and go their separate ways. Twilight in particular takes to Rarity's boutique to show her and Rainbow Dash the parasprite. However, that one has multiplied as well, so they can both have one for themselves! Sweet! Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie needs an accordion.
     

    Do not ignore Pinkie Pie! She is your lord and savior! Worship her or she will not bring you good harvest for your crop...Rarity!
     
    Ah well, now all of our main characters minus Lord Pinkie has a parasprite. All seems fine and well until the following morning, when everyone wakes up with tens of parasprites! A parasprite here, a parasprite there, here a parasprite, there a parasprite, everywhere a parasprite parasprite! Soon the whole town becomes infested, and these sons of fucks are plotting to devour the whole goddamn villa! They all swarm to Sweet Apple Acres first, taking kindly to Applejack's apples. This pisses her off, because if you want an apple fix, you have to pay damn good money or else you get gatted in the back! So she and her friends round up the critters and send them into the Everfree Forest for Zecora to deal with.
     

    They see me rollin'. They hatin'.
     
    Pinkie Pie tried to reason with them, but everyone was too damn stubborn for Lord Pinkie's warnings. That is okay, for cataclysm will arrive, and ALL OF PONYVILLE WILL BE ENGULFED IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE! PRAISE YOUR LORD AND MASTER BEFORE YOU PERISH TO THE UNDERWORLD! The disciples don't heed Pinkie's warning, however, and proceed with their original plan. Sure enough, after our heroes think the worst of it is over, the parasprites return to wreak havoc once again! So, since Applejack fucked up (or, rather, Fluttershy, since he managed to keep one in his cottage), it's time for Rainbow Dash to use the elements of weather against them.
     

    It's like Sharknado, but with parasprites.
     
    Well, Lord Pinkie Pie warned you, and so you get your punishment for disobeying our lord. She'd collected some cymbals and decided to use them to cut Rainbow's head off in the tornado (Kay, but seriously, that actually happens). Therefore, Rainbow Dash is forced to cease the whirlwind and let the parasprites free once again, which pisses everypony off. They all think Pinkie Pie is crazy, which is true, but in this case, it's "detrimental" to their mission. Oh well, too late, the parasprites are eating the town now.

    Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka
     
    Twilight reaches out to Zecora, but she just tells her that they're doomed. Thanks, Zecora. Things go from bad to worse when Princess Celestia arrives in Ponyville as scheduled and her ceremony is not prepared due to the swarm of the century! During this time of immense peril, the best thing to do is just to commit mass suicide. A world of parasprites is not worth living in. However, before anyone can do that, Lord Pinkie Pie resurrects her son one pony band, having collected all the instruments, and dances the parasprites away.
     
    Song: Darude - Sandstorm
     
    Twilight and the gang learn an important lesson about friendship. You see, you must unconditionally hail your god or else you will be subjected to the worst of punishment. Our characters realize this now, and Lord Pinkie Pie leads her children into a new era of peace and happiness. And so ends "Swarm of the Century."
     
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    Meh.
     
    I mean, this is an improvement over "Bridle Gossip", but a lot of episodes are an improvement over "Bridle Gossip". As a matter of fact, unfortunately, this episode suffers a lot of the same problems - our main characters are almost entirely sacrificed in this episode. Not so much on an out-of-character scale, they're just mostly irritating altogether. None of them are taking the time to stop and listen to what Pinkie Pie has to say. In defense, however, I wouldn't blame them considering Pinkie Pie was doing the worst job of explaining anything! As with "Bridle Gossip", plot induced stupidity for all those who welcome it.
     
    However, unlike "Bridle Gossip" where I want to strangle our main characters, in this episode, it's just sort of an inconvenience. There's nothing else wrong with it other than I can't stand the behavior of our protagonists. Therefore, I will give "Swarm of the Century" a 6/10. Now I see why Transformers: Prime's "Scrapheap" was more memorable. It's because that episode didn't have its characters mucking about and acting mentally challenged for 22 minutes. Also, the threat was more urgent, as the parasprites just ate objects, scraplets ate the main characters. I digress, I'd still watch that episode any day over the very forgettable, very bland and otherwise very annoying "Swarm of the Century."
     
    Well, my final 2015 review is around the corner. "Winter Wrap Up". I don't think there's a fan of this show that doesn't remember "Winter Wrap Up", I mean, how could you? The question becomes.......is it deserving of such immense recognition?
     
    *Dramatic Cinema Score*
     

     
    :okiedokielokie:
     

  25. PrymeStriker

    S1E07: "Dragonshy"

    By PrymeStriker,

    It's the holidays, and you know what that means!
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    PRESENTS!
     
    And what a better present is there than to live in the present, aside from living in the past or dying?
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    Reviewing a Fluttershy episode!
     
    Now, back in the day, this episode was the Black Friday episode of MLP. You didn't get any discounts, but you did get a pack of smokes. No, no, not those kind of smokes, these kind of smokes:
     

     
    Oh, goodness! Talk about your Black Friday!
     
    (LOL MOAR LAUGH TRACKS)
     
    Now that I've enticed your attention, let's see if I can keep it for 45 more seconds as we embark on our review of "Dragonshy." This a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, you have time to turn around and click away right now as we speak.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    That was the nicest way I've warned anyone about impending spoilers on this blog.....
     
    -
     
    -
     
    No, no, no, stop it, we can't have that, even if it is the holiday season. Quick, quote one of my nastiest spoiler warnings from a previous review!
     

    That'll do!
     
    So, we open this episode with the smoke I've previously displayed, emanating from a mountaintop that's not a volcano. Fluttershy, upon being the first to see this, tries to warn the townsfolk. However, the town doesn't have time for Fluttershy's shit and decide to ignore her and choke to death. Luckily, the great and powerful Twilight Sparkle is there to warn the town officially because she's loud. She finds that the smokes coming from a hibernating dragon, and designates a plan that involves climbing to the top of the mountain and telling the dragon to.......well........fuck off.
     

    Autobots, Starscream is up to his old tricks again. Transform, and roll out!
     
    Of course, Fluttershy is a very important player in this plan. Her expertise would help get the dragon to kindly move out of the cave on the mountain to cease suffocating Ponyville. However, as we all know, Fluttershy is shy, and as such she is scared shitless about this mission. This provides a wacky challenge for our heroes to face as they embark on their quest to save Ponyville from lung cancer!
     
    Aw, hell naw, ain't no draggn eatin' me! I is gaw'n' prepared! Draggins can't bite throo fl0aties 'n'a' halmett!
     
    Fluttershy tried to back out at the last minute, but Twilight Sparkle bitch-slapped her. And off they went to the mountaintops! There, they faced many a challenge! Many a challenge indeed, such as a dragon's roar! Holy smokes, that's terrifying! It makes me want to quit the mission altogether. But our brave heroes made it past that obstacle and moved on to a new major roadblock: climbing the mountain! It took so long for them (Fluttershy) to overcome this that Pinkie Pie beat Rarity at 35 consecutive games of tic-tac-toe!
     

    "Sheesh, Rarity! You suck at this!" "I could...you know...suck something else if you wanted..."
     
    But at long last, they climbed (part of) the mighty mountain and proceeded to their next challenge: Jumping over a HUGE canyon!!!
     
    NO! DON'T DO IT FLUTTERSHY! You're going to die!
     
    NO!
     
    DON'T
     
    NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
     

    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    Then a real challenge is presented. An avalanche occurs and the ponies have to take a different route than they'd originally planned. Also, their lives were endangered, but who cares about that? I mean, with as much time it's taking for Fluttershy to complete simple tasks, everyone in Ponyville could need an electronic larynx at this point. At last, the ponies arrive at the cave and attempt to awaken the dragon. Fluttershy is too scared to go in as she finally admits, because, you know, nobody else could figure that out (except for Rainbow, she's for once smart here), and the others find other means of getting rid of the dragon. After failed attempts from Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash does the logical thing...
     
    Remember how I said Rainbow was smart? Well...
     
    This obviously pisses the dragon right the fuck off, and it starts to rampage and ravage the other five ponies. When her friends are in danger, it's now up to Fluttershy to tell that dragon who's boss. And she does. She tells him right off. She says, "How dare you! Listen here, mister! I'm just about done with your bullshit, okay? You may have sharp teeth, but that doesn't mean I can't kick your scaly little ass! Screw with my friends one more time and I'll go full apeshit on you. You got that?" After the dragon whines about Rainbow kicking him, Fluttershy says "I'm very sorry for that, but I'm 'bout ready to do you up ten times worse if y'all don't get the FUCK off this mountain!"
     

    That face could make Hitler crumble to his knees.
     
    And so the dragon leaves, only 10 ponies in the village got lung cancer, and the day was saved thanks to Fluttershy's immense bravery! And that was "Dragonshy."
     
    ...
     
    Well, that was a relief from "Boast Busters."
     
    I've got to say, that one was pretty good. Fluttershy shows that she will put aside her fears and her worries for the sake of her friends and for the good of the town. Not a bad premise and not a bad story, making for not a bad episode. There's not much else to say other than, well done. I wouldn't pick this as one of my favorite episodes 'nor as one I'd try to avoid. It's just a good episode. Overall, I'll give "Dragonshy" an 8/10. Odd that I can't go any deeper into the episode, but that's probably because it's a pretty straightforward story, so trying to pick it a part is a very difficult process unless you praise this episode as your lord and savior. Very well, then, I did like it nonetheless.
     
    The holiday seasons are a time of giving, even though you could really do this at any point in the year if you wanted to. And in the spirit of the season of giving, I notice that up to this point, I haven't given a 10/10 to any episode I've reviewed on this blog. Hopefully, that will soon change. What's the next episode?
     

     
    Hmmmph.
     
    Well, I suppose I'll be eagerly counting the days 'till Friday.
     

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