Brick Wall
By Stardust*,
Once you start to chip away at the wall, it ends up collapsing on top of you. Crushing any hope that you had, and then comes the project to fix that broken piece of you again, but because you are all alone, it can take forever. You look down one side of your wall and you see holes in it from all over. You look down the other side, it is almost mirrored. All of those gaps are when you felt vulnerable and you were wanting someone to just be able to see who you are, and each and every time it shattered into a million pieces. And each and every time you are left to try and pick up the pieces.
By the time you have mended all of the holes you think you are safe. You think that things are going to be okay, you have to pretend. You have to put on that mask each and every day to just make it back to your fortresses. You make sure that others see that everything is fine on the outside so that they don't start trying to chip away at your wall. So you don't have to be back in that same position all over again.
Alone you reinforce that wall with mortar crafted from tears. You harden the bricks with the sadness you feel.
Eventually you finally run out of tears, the amount of pain you feel just floods over you and you just wish desperately you could cry and let it out. You wish you could just let it all out so you could just feel better, even by a little bit. It's at this point that you have successfully become something that you never thought possible.
You have become that person behind that mask. You are the thing that people see, that fake smile, that forced laugh, that conversation that you had a million times that you have it memorized from start to end. The same one every time, and it's so surprising that people can't even tell because you know they don't even care, they are doing it for the same reason, just to hurry up and move on.
Not a single person to go to because they all "know" you are fine. How can someone who is so happy and put together be sad? How can they have issues, they are so helpful and always in a good mood.
Little do they know that every second of every day they are screaming at you to notice that they are not okay. To notice that they are experiencing such pain that they don't know how to express it. There is so much that needs to be said but because there is never that conversation, everything stays hidden.
Living that Facebook Life that you post about. Losing faith in humanity because everyone is so busy with their own lives and how they can step on the little guy faster just to make their way up, that they can't even see what is in their face.
Some may be asking why can't you just open up and admit it. Because of the beginning, when you had let someone in, to try and have someone understand what was happening. To try and be honest about how things are going. About being vulnerable. Then realizing that said person was only doing it out of pity. They never really cared.
Why would you want to continue to try and open up to people that you think you can trust only to be pushed aside like yesterdays take out.
How can you even begin to trust again, especially when your deepest feelings and emotions get made fun of? How can you move forward and just say "Oh, it was just so and so, the next person will be different"
When you have no one to confide in because you have pushed so many people away.... You begin to question every motive of every person. You look for every bad quality so you can break the ties much quicker than they can be bonded.
Because your anxiety thrives on making someone out to get you when all they are trying to do is get to know you. But when they stop talking to you for a while you start to think that you have done something wrong. The cycles repeats, hope, suspicion, distance, loss, questioning, confusion, pain, hope, suspicion, distance, loss, questioning, confusion, pain.
Maybe one day it will stop. Maybe one day there will be that person, that perfect soul that can see through the mask, that can pull back the curtain without tearing down the wall completely, but slowly chip away and continue until it is in ruins, and still be there even when the shattered shell of a human being is left there trembling. Afraid to come into the sun, afraid to move past the rubble of the four walls. One day that person will have enough strength to carry you into the light, and to be with you each step of the way building back up who you are. Finding all of those lost pieces, rediscovering who you were and who you are meant to be.
Until then, those four walls are as close as you come to comfort.
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