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PhoenixGER

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Blog Entries posted by PhoenixGER

  1. PhoenixGER
    Months have passed by. Many things changed. Corona fucked up a lot in this crazy world. I just wanted to be more active here. After some days it faded out of my mind. And now here we are. 3 Months later. Many crazy shit happened. From being told that you are liked and appreciated to being hated by the same people in less than 5 Minutes. From building great and achieving personal goals to fucking everything over and destroying everything. From making new friends to walking away from them. From quitting addictions to destroying your whole body and soul with booze and cigs. From waking up early to sleeping 15 hours a day. 
     
    So what's going on in my mind right now? One thing that happened 4 days ago. It kind of crushed my soul. From being told how appreciated you are. Not only as a member of a community but also as a friend. Laughing with some people and then being told that you are not welcome. Even that this isn't just at that moment the case but often. From bringing a laugh to people to the villain in 10 seconds flat. Realizing that you just spend 8 hours every day with these people without them having the courage when they don't want you to be around them but instead coming to you even.
    Realizing how alone you can get from one second to another. And realizing that the hard consequence of leaving them is even more loneliness. And with this loneliness comes boredom. Not knowing what to do with this free time. From repairing your bike after completely destroying the transmission over watching horror movies to dancing to music and working out. It brings so many new things into your mind. It opens your perspective but at the same it breaks down pretty easy. A wrong word here. A mistake there and this loneliness evolves to self-doubt and self-hate. You simply have no one to talk to what bad happened to you. Everything is about the things happening to you. Ether bad or good. There is noting else to focus on except personal feeling. 
    Sure it brings many advantages. You can focus on your own well-being and your health. Both mental and physical. You can evolve skills you would be too distracted to even notice like fixing the transmission of your bike. There are many things to learn while being alone. So many things you don't even notice to exist because you are to busy interacting with people. 
    So where is all that going from here? It will be a lonely road for some more time. 01.08 I start working my first real job. I will go to school again. And most importantly I will be around people all day long. So how will it be to learn to be a machinist? Will I regret my decision not to be an engineer? Probably yes because I can never say:"Trust me I'm an engineer."  
    Will it in a couple of weeks or even months still feel like an emotional roller coaster? Like a constant up and down? Or will it all settle down a bit and get more quiet? 
     
    Today's block entry won't have a picture. The place where a picture should be is just as empty as I feel right now. 22:43. Close to midnight and only the light of a candle brightens my world. 
  2. PhoenixGER
    The idea that we all do our best in every situation in life is wrong. Recently I started to watch the Jocko Podcast. I started reading more, doing workouts on a daily basis, trying to stand up early (which doesn't work) and going to bed early (which works but being awake in the bed for 4 to 5 hours 8 days in a row is just destroying me), even quit booze for the last 10 days. 5 days away from my longest time off alcohol. Started again wearing my watch on a daily basis and planning my time more productive. I'm reacting different in situations that would escalate normally. I'm calmer most if the time. Started drinking tee. Didn't smoked for the past month. 
    But I said that the idea of giving the best all the time is wrong and at the same time I'm sitting here saying I did my best except waking up early. So where is the point? 
    Every evening I'm playing the game Overwatch with a couple of people in a gaming community. And every now and then I find myself inside the dumbest discussions. How playing with a 6 stack doesn't bring up your skill rating in the eyes of them or why they don't have to be a jack of all trades in a game where heroes get banned on a more or less random base. 
    So what's the point? Just some young adults not understanding that you can improve and that you should be able to play everything to some degree? Just move on. 
    But isn't that the concept that most people apply on a day to day basis? Why being able to care for my car and understanding how it works when I just can call someone to tow my broken down car to a repairman. Why being able to cook a full meal when I can just get the 99 cent frozen junk food which does the same job. Why hitting the gym or the home gym every second day when I just can sit at a desk eating some donuts. Why learning to sharpen my knives when I can just get someone to do it myself. Why should I learn a new skill or evolving my skills when I can just quit and go eat some chips Infront of my TV. 
    Isn't that the same concept. Not learning, not evolving, not working out or working on yourself. I'm not talking about not being able to but not wanting to. Being lazy. Hitting that snooze button. Skipping that workout. Going the easy way. Cutting corners. 
    Why putting sweat, effort, time even pain into a skill to master it, when you can cut corners? 
    Because cutting corners doesn't bring you to where you could be? You want that six pack? Not getting it by skipping gym and eating junk. 
    Wanting to be able to remember the times tables? Not getting it by quitting school.
    Wanting the fast car, big house, awesome yacht? Not getting it by insulting you boss and doing a shitty job. 
     
    So many people complaining about shitty jobs, shitty bosses, not having their dream body, not the car they dream of, not hitting their deadline with this important project. 
    How often had you heard all of these things? How often were you the one saying it? 
    You get out what you get in. Not putting the effort into the project? Don't hit the deadline. Not working out? Not getting the big bizeps and the six pack you are dreaming about every night. Not wanting to eat healthy food, not quitting on the junk food, not getting of your ass? Not living a long healthy life and being able to go from the front to the back of your house without heavy breathing. 
    And still so many inside their own misery. Seeming to love it. Changing nothing. 
     
    Change is hard? Or there is no way out? No other job? No time to workout? No time to do the extra work? 
     
    There is. There always is. The only thing keeping you from being better than yourself right now is YOU. No one is putting you in chains, no one is locking you up. You are just undisciplined. It's your own fault. Change it or accept it. Accepting does mean stopping to complain every second about it. Stopping to change everyone and everything around you to fit your needs, your wants.
    And still here we are. Destroying what ones was whole. From family to society. Body positivity, anti fat shaming, anti racism, feminism, men's rights movement, self diagnosis, over medication and many more. For some there might be a valuable reason. But not in the dimension that we are seeing inside our world. 
    People going nuts over Corona, while not even being able to define what's wrong in their own life. People shit talking like they would know the cure for this disaster while not even being able to take 3 steps without being out of breath. Stealing other ones property while not being able to clean their own shit up. People buying stores empty without being able to use things on a rational level. 
    I'm again kind of disgusted from not only my own existing but whole human kind. 
     
  3. PhoenixGER
    After five days of being sober I saw today as a good ...... chance of drinking again.In the last days many things happened. I saw myself on a crossroad. To my left the path I always went. Having people around me. Having a community I play with, which more or less endures me. Few liked. Many hated. On the right the way of going alone. Letting all these social contacts down. falling down again into this deep hole of misery. Going the path alone without someone to talk to. Without having someone who supports you. Well I went the path I have chosen to many times in the past.   I went and threw everything I had into the mud. Now I´m alone. Feeling nothing. Laying in bed all day. Doing nothing. I can´t sleep at night. i cant get up in the morning. Sleeping until noon. Not having the power to do anything. Everyone is panicking about Corona. I am just sitting there doing nothing. Feeling nothing at all. When I try to sleep I just lay there. Staring at my wall. But it´s all black. Nothing to see there. Nothing to feel there except hatred. hatred towards myself. I want this all to end. This feeling. The constant looking at the phone only to realize that no one will text you. Looking at old chats only to see how hard I fucked it all up. Not wanting to talk with my family. No longer enjoying playing video games. 
    I want all of this to end. All this suffering. I know that suicide wont be my solution. I learned that a couple of years ago. Te last time I was that deep inside my mind. The last time I broke down. I no longer know what the way is. Maybe it all will change in August when I start my apprenticeship as a maschinist. I will have a reason to wake up in the morning. I will work and get tired so I will sleep at night. I will have a reason to carry on and show my best but maybe nothing will change. I want it all to change. I want to carry on but I feel like my mind doesn´t let me. It all is the same. The same fast food every day. The same shows every day. The same shit. I´m tired of this all. I just want it to end. 
    Does a tree make a sound if it falls down, when no one is listening? Does a life matter when no one ever noticed this person? Can´t everyone relate to some part more or less to this? Isn´t everyone someday at this point in life? Aren´t we all just one step away from feeling like this?
     Do I matter? Or do you? 
  4. PhoenixGER
    So a weekend ends. A weekend of anger and hatred. I again lost my cool. I let everything escalate inside me and all out closed anger bursted through the gates. For another times I said unwise words. Hurtful ones. I just let everything out but none I said was a lie. It was an outburst of truth and anger. But just as hurtful it was so disappointed am I. I'm disappointed by myself. This lost of discipline. All of that because of my own ego. Feeling like being in the wrong place, feeling unwanted and even getting communicated that you are unwanted right now. Right here. 
    Seeing the children want to be around you. Getting appreciated for what you do by them. Starting to be happy again and to smile and even to see them smile. Seeing them to be happy. To Laugh with them. All to get pulled back because you say things that might not be perfectly formulated in the eyes of some adults. Just to be pulled back because they think you can't handle yourself around children. Because you might insult or even hurt them. The second I got pulled back 2 days ago I only thought: "I am not gentleman like for these kids? I am too harsh? Too truthful?" But now that I again think about it, it just hurts me. People not letting me alone near kids under 10 but leaving me totally alone with kids above 10 and under 10 just half a year ago in the middle of the night while being drunk. 
    Isn't that totally absurd or am I missing a part?  
    But this isn't the main topic. It shouldn't be The one I wanted to talk about is a girl that gave me back my joy of living. It was last year on a youth camp, which I escorted. At one evening she sat down on my lap and we just talked and played around. At the time I was a totally depressed pile of shit and thought on a daily base about ending my life. But at this moment I realized what I want in life. I want to have a family. A daughter and a son. A son which I can forge in the fire of growing up and showing him a way of life. The endless lessons of life that everyone has to learn sooner or later and a daughter which I can treat like the princess she will be. Which I can teach what it means to be a lady, which can not only stand on her own and her ground but what it also means to appreciate the love of a single man and to support him. And most importantly a wife. Completing each other. Seeing the faults of man and the ones of women not being equal but to be meant to complete each other. In my eyes there will never be equality in man and women. Because there is no natural equality. From the beginning of time they were meant to complete each other. Being yin and yang. Two parts. One the strong. One the beautiful completing each other as one whole. But that’s not the topic.
    The little girl from the youth camp which inflamed my fire of live inside my hearth. I saw her 2 days ago. She was so pale. I was worried. What might be wrong with her? All these things flew inside my brain. I was about to break down. What if this little girl was a metaphorical reflection of my own? Being so pale, so bad looking. Death nearly even. Not a second went on without me worrying. The moment I got to know that she puked on the drive felt like the explosion of a million suns. It felt so quiet for a second.
    Is that what I am? Someone loving and caring about the loved ones and the important ones inside my life?  Or is it the weird fantasies of killing and harming others. Of breaking bottles and ramming them into people. Of cutting throats. Chopping of arms. Strangulating people. Is that me? A never ending battle of Bad (Hatred and anger) against Good (Loving and caring for others). The massive outburst or the long time of just sitting in the dark, being silent and watching over them sleeping and getting another blanket for them and even giving the own jacket, so they don't freeze. Insulting others with unwise words of truth or complementing others for their great work. Looking down on others and hurting them or giving all to be the one able to care for them, watch out for them and keeping them save. Am I that bad kind of person? Am I a wolf inside the sheep fur? Or am I Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Because this is what it feels like. But instead of being bad at night I am bad most of my time and only on the inside and to those I love and care about the Dr. Jekyll I wish to be. Maybe I should read the book I even own it but didn't started to read it yet. 
    I always end my personal papers where I write about my emotions with a personal inscription to this girl. Some People preach to a god and say that they are sorry for what they did. That they should know better. I do it to her. But today I relearned that I shoudln´t regret. That I have to move on. And that’s what i will do. I'm happy to move on but at the same scared of myself. What i might do not only to you but to all humankind. Everyone gives the world his print. It's on the person itself how long and deep you can see it? Just take every nearly non-existing person and people like Hitler, Stalin, Roosevelt, Einstein and many lnown more as example. Everyone lived but the ones all known chose to do something and press the world their marks on. To give the world their signature. May it be good or bad, but they are changed the world in one way or another and will never be forgotten. 
     
    So be it and remember me not for what I was, but for what I will be when I'm gone. When all changed and the cold has settled to give space for the warm and the scars and tears have gone to make space for a smile. For when the black clothes had changed to a bright and the sun has gone to dark. So may be the next be harder to sharpen our swords of our souls. To live on another and stand at the end just to fall another. 
  5. PhoenixGER
    Nothing great happened except a total outburst of emotions ending in an endless night of drinking booze and doing things that I swore would end. The hard truth of the day after seem to hit harder than all the jokes, all the insults by other people. But what’s left in the end is just a destroyed world. Every step forward I did is now gone. I'm further behind than I was in a long time. But all these things. All of our own actions keep not only consequences but also lessons to learn. Going three steps back isn't always a bad thing. Sure you are back to bad habits, self-destructive behavior or even on a road that in the end keeps nothing for you except your own death. Being stuck in a circle of habits, in a muddy whole is bad but the never ending steps backwards to where you were before are not the worst, which can happen. You get a new point of standing. A new watch point. New perspective about your problem that you before solved on a way, which didn't helped you on the long run. 
    Just think about a leaking pipe. Te first you do is getting some tape. But it breaks again so you switch the pipe but it breaks again. So you change it again and some day you get harder pipes. And they still break. You take a step back. Watch yourself. How you act. What you throw down your pipes and you see that the pipes only break because you throw all your shit down these pipes. Blades, alcohol, bleach, bones.... all bad things. This is your problem.
    Take a step back. Your problems, friends or what ever is broken are not the pipes. You can't change your friends or the way booze interacts with your brain when you drink it. No, the metaphorical pipes are your body. Your psyche. All these bad things, alcohol, self harm, interactions with bad people and so on are the things that you yourself throw at your body and you think that your body and mind will resist. That they will not break but no it does when enough hits it. It's like a metal chain. You hit this chain with rocks. Many times. It may not break the first time you hit but every hit leaves deep marks. And one day the chain might burst into a thousand parts. It were simply too much. 
    Isn't it an ironic that I talk about alcohol as a destructive thing. Something that breaks the chain of life but that alcohol can also be a chain that holds the human being down like a cage. It's not the double meaning of alcohol. It's the chain. The meaningfulness of words and even the many metaphorical things they can stand for and all these different  life lessons and wisdom you can get out of a single metaphor. 
  6. PhoenixGER
    So the first one will be about a pretty "awesome" thing that I encountered in my internship the last two weeks. Just to be honest it's not awesome. Most would just go on and say it's not a big deal. But in my eyes it's plain stupidity. 
    The trainee complained all day that in their second most important test they only would have sooooooo less time for their tasks. It´s not some leave some marks or write a text task. No they are industrial engineers. I´ts drilling, filing, making threats, Things like that. So instead of training these things, stopping to fuck their shit up and optimizing their work they just grab the drills and hammer them down with maximum feedrate into the metal. They repeat it until they have the maximum feedrate that the drill can sustain until it breaks. They get a five times higher feedrate than recommended for the drills. But while testing it they break not one not two but three drills in not even 15 minutes. That goes together with them complaining that the theory test is so hard but instead of learning theyy are just talking one hour about masturbation and how the one bangs his GF. Isn't that crazy? The first thing that came into my head while I sat there and learned with a notebook things about mill cutting was one of the most truthful lines of our beloved princess twilight: "Every pony in this town is crazy!" 
    So now the big question: Why are people too dumb to find a real solution for their problems instead of cutting corners and messing shit up? Why are they not seeing that there are ways to get not only good but great results with nearly no effort at all. Why are all of these people like this? 
     
    So gentleman take it easy. 

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