Is this correct?

[Tech Reel 444]

Hello everybody, I'm curious to know if this looks correct.

I'm working on fan fiction writing, and I want to know if the way I organize my paragraphs and dialogue is right. Here's a sample of something I've written. Let me know how I can improve my writing style. 

 

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     "C'mon Twilight. Hurry up!" Spike pleads.

     "I'm going as fast as I can Spike. I just need to organize my saddlebag quickly," Twilight says while double checking her list.

     Spike taps his foot repeatedly on the floor, waiting for Twilight for what seems like hours. He wants to be the first to the 'Annual Apple Acre Fair'. Each year the Apple family organizes games and rides to raise money for new equipment for the farm. It only occurs one day a year because the rareness of the occasion draws everypony to it. Spike has been to many fairs, but never this one since him and Twilight moved in soon after the last one. This led to many hours of Apple Jack answering his seemingly neverending list of questions about the ones he's missed. He's waited for the day he could go to one ever since he's heard of it.

     Twilight walks in as Spike is in trance, thinking of the event he's still waiting to go to. "Okay Spike, I'm ready."

     "Great! Let's go!" he shouts as he bolts out the door.

     "Wait for me!" Twilight shouts to him, though he's gotten too far to hear.

     Twilight starts on her way to Sweet Apple Acres when she finds Fluttershy on the same route.

     "Hi Fluttershy," Twilight says as she trots closer to Fluttershy.

     "Oh, hi Twilight. Are you going to the fair too?"

     "Yes, this will be my first time."

     "I've only gone one other time, and it was a lot of fun. Is Spike going?"

     "He's probably already there." Twilight develops a nervous look on her face.

     "Is something wrong?" Fluttershy asks.

     "No, it's nothing."

     "Are you sure?"

     "Yes, everything is alright...I hope."

     Fluttershy is concerned about what's bothering Twilight, but decides to drop it to avoid sounding nosy. They arrive at Sweet Apple Acres where the fair has already started. Fillies and colts are riding rides and Spike is found just where Twilight predicted, at a game. She has explained to him over and over that these games are pointless and can't be won, but he's always too concerned with his goal of winning to listen to her. She's seen him get addicted at times, which worries her. She wants to make sure he doesn't go too crazy over the games, and also wishes she could save all the bits he wastes on them. Twilight goes over to Spike as he is trying to knock down bottles with baseballs.

     "Hey Spike," Twilight says, but with no response.

     "Spike?" Once again, no answer.

     "Spike!"

     Spike jumps out of shock, "Ah! Oh, hey Twilight."

     "How many games have you played so far?"

     "Three."

     "Really? Wow Spike, I'm surprised," Twilight says happily.

     "Yeah, I played each ten times before moving to the next," Spike said disappointed as he recalled his failures.

     Twilight can't believe what she's hearing. She begins calculating how much money he spent in her head but stops as it passes fifty bits, as she was too mad to continue. He's played many games before, but never this many. She doesn't know what has gotten into him, but she does know she's going to stop him before he spends another bit.

     "Spike, That's way too many games! Do you realize how much money that costs?" Twilight yells, "Come Spike, we're going home."

     "I can't! I need this prize over here," Spike says as he pointed to a large stuffed gem.

     "I'm sorry Spike, but you can't keep doing this. We've talked about this before. Now let's go."

     "But..." Spike begins.

     "Now!"

     "Fine!" Spike shouts as he is forced to leave the fair.

     Twilight takes Spike home and reluctantly sends him to his room. She doesn't like punishing him, but she needs to so he can learn his lesson. Spike gets bored fast since the only things he can do in his room are sit quietly or read a book, both of which he finds boring. He can't stop himself from thinking of the fair, more specifically the prizes he wanted to win so badly. The more he envisions them, the more he wants them, the more he feels he needs them. Spike comes to a very risky decision, he's going to sneak out and go back to the fair.

Edited July 20, 2014 by ReelyRandom