adventure Feedback for my ongoing fanfic

[yisetab28 89]

So, I've been writing my fanfic for a few days and I've been wondering if I could get some feedback. For starters, the fanfic is set in a sort of alternate future of the current "Friendship is Magic" series, where a major incident (which will be elaborated in a future story) caused magic to not work anymore in Equestria.  After a drastic boom in technological development, the world is in a new sister war, but now that the Elements cannot imprison Luna, the war wages on for years. For now, I have completed a small introduction to the current events for the story, and a little dialog between two of the members of the tank that the story center around. The draft is included in the attached files. The story will be way bigger, and this is only a really primitive draft. So, is there anything (and I'm sure there is) that I need to improve? To make more precise? Are the characters so far so good? Awaiting the criticism as always!

 

Edit: The names of the two current characters are not definitive, only some quick ideas I got when I was writing. Any suggestion for new names would be appreciated.

The 30th Tiger, Part 1 .txt

Edited April 1, 2015 by MCAsomm

[Tom Snyder 4,112]

So, I've been writing my fanfic for a few days and I've been wondering if I could get some feedback. For starters, the fanfic is set in a sort of alternate future of the current "Friendship is Magic" series, where a major incident (which will be elaborated in a future story) caused magic to not work anymore in Equestria.  After a drastic boom in technological development, the world is in a new sister war, but now that the Elements cannot imprison Luna, the war wages on for years. For now, I have completed a small introduction to the current events for the story, and a little dialog between two of the members of the tank that the story center around. The draft is included in the attached files. The story will be way bigger, and this is only a really primitive draft. So, is there anything (and I'm sure there is) that I need to improve? To make more precise? Are the characters so far so good? Awaiting the criticism as always!

 

Edit: The names of the two current characters are not definitive, only some quick ideas I got when I was writing. Any suggestion for new names would be appreciated.

I'd be interested to see how this turns out, actually. 

[yisetab28 89]

I'd be interested to see how this turns out, actually. 

 

It is still in the very early stages, and a lot of work is to be done. Now the thing I would need most is precise criticism, that is what's going to help get this story going. For now, the first chapter is about the repairing of "Emil", which is the tank, in a post-bombing Guernica parallel version of Ponyville, maybe the exploration of an underground factory and even maybe a second assault on Canterlot.

[Tom Snyder 4,112]

One story i've seen done right is "Black Equinox", but yours might be a good one, but i'm a afraid i'm not much help as i'm still making mistakes.