fanfic beginning, can people let me know what they think please?

[starshine wonder 79]

So this has been floating around in my head for a day or two and I want to see what you guys think so far....

 

 

 

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Luna shook her mane, her face troubled and sombre. She barely noticed the plants in the gardens, her thoughts spiralling round her head, causing the inner conflict that raged within her to seem bigger than it was, though she knew she had a tendency to do this and generally made an effort to stop it. Today, however, proved more difficult than usual, hence the walk in the gardens. She gazed up at the clear sky, the stars twinkling as she raised the moon to its highest point. She began to walk towards the palace and her tower, wondering who's dreams might need her help tonight. As she entered, she saw Celestia pacing and hurried over, puzzled, as her sister normally didn't stay up much after moonrise. Celestia saw her and came to greet her, nuzzling her affectionately as they drew side by side and began to talk.

 

Celestia could see that her little sister was troubled, but decided to let Luna tell her, if she needed to. She loved the way their relationship had grown over the last few years and often confided in her, as Luna had begun to do the same. She was always careful not to hurt her sister's feelings, as she remembered the struggle that happened 1000 years ago, something that she still believed could have been prevented if they'd talked more. Having learned from her mistake, she listened as her sister asked about the day, making polite conversation until she could bear it no longer. With her mind made up, Celestia turned to face her little sister and said,

 

"Alright, Luna, out witth it. There is something troubling you, my dear sister, and I would love to know what and see if I can help."

 

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Let me know what you think and any other suggestions, thanks!!

Edited July 1, 2015 by starshine wonder

[BurningEmber 38]

I really like it, but i think the last sentence could be touched up. "Alright Luna, out with it." could be cut, in my mind it doesn't sound very Celestia-ish. "and" isn't really needed either, you could end with a full stop after "my dear sister" Swap out love for like and i think it'll be perfect in my little opinion!

 

I like the way you describe Lunas inner turmoil, detailed but not over flowing with sadness, just enough so the reader is concerned for her (well i am, I want to give her a hug!!)

[starshine wonder 79]

YAY! thanks, I really appreciate the feedback I need to think about where it's going to go next, so let's see...

[Love Doctor Blaze 536]

This was a very interesting start indeed. Now my grammar isn't amazing, so i can't fix mistakes. But i have read my fair share of stories, and i can see that you worked hard on this start. I agree with Burning Ember that celestias sentence was a bit out of chraracter. In my opinion it should be: "Luna, i can see that you are troubled. Do you wanna tell me what is troubling you, while we take a stroll through the gardens?. 

 

The only tip i can give to you so far, is that you have to make sure the characters stay true to their own character. But so far i love it!

 

Can't wait to see more!