critique wanted Lyrical rewrite of "Come Little Children"

[Midnight Blossom 58]

Hello everypony, 

 

I am not sure if this is the right place for this, as it's both regarding a song as well as a fan-fiction i'm writing. I've always admired the song "Come Little Children" both when i heard it in Hocus Pocus, as when i heard it again in the PMV Children of the Night . I wanted to find a way to incorporate it into a fan-fiction I'm writing, but instead of an enchanting melody I wanted it to come off as more of a lullaby. As one would sing to ease others into sleep. So i sat down and thought about how to do this. Eventually i decided that a rewrite of the lyrics would be the best way to do this. I tried to keep in tempo and tonal range of the lyrics as they are sung here.  If you could give that a listen while you read over the lyrics and let me know how I did i would be very grateful.
 

Midnight’s Lullaby: Rewrite of Come little Children:

 

Rest now sweet children, I'll guide thee away,

Off to a land of enchantment

Come now dear children, the time's come to dream,

Slip off to lands full of slumber

 

Follow sweet children, I'll show thee the way,

Through all the pain and the sorrows.

Wake not dear children, For dreams lie this way,

Bringing ideas and new passions.

 

Hush now dear children, and be not afraid,

Your fears shall no longer haunt you.

Rest now my children, and be not afraid,

The night mother watches o'er you.

 

Rest now sweet children, I'll guide thee away,

Off to a land of enchantment

Come now dear children, the time's come to dream,

Slip off to lands full of slumber

 

Rest now sweet children, the time's come to dream,

Slip off to lands full of slumber

 

 

Again I appreciate any feedback I can get on this. Especially ways that I could improve upon it.

 

Sunset Daisy

[TheRockARooster 52,180]

That is beautiful, really well done.

 

Great job, Sunset Daisy.

[Midnight Blossom 58]

Th. Thank you for your kind words.

[Ashen Pathfinder 16,162]

I like how you have it written. You change it to where it fits the idea of a lullaby, but keeps it to the spirit of the song. Nice touch.

[Opium4TmassS 23]

I'm liking it. Enjoying the read.

[Midnight Blossom 58]

I showed this to a friend and she said that Luna's singing voice from "Twilight's Kingdom" (Luna's part starts at 1:34) would sound more appropriate for the vocal range for my rewrite as it would sound more along the range for a lullaby. I am inclined to agree. I can picture the song being sung in that voice with the music from the PMV in the back ground setting the tempo and mood.

[BlueBrony 388]

Very nice adaption. The second stanza almost sounds a little too dramatic or active for a lullaby (I'm referring to word choice) But yes, a low soft voice would be ideal for it. Will you be looking to make an actual music cover for this?

[Midnight Blossom 58]

Very nice adaption. The second stanza almost sounds a little too dramatic or active for a lullaby (I'm referring to word choice) But yes, a low soft voice would be ideal for it. Will you be looking to make an actual music cover for this?

 

 

If I personally had any talent singing i would try to. 

 

Also. Is it the word choice as a whole in the second stanza, or just certain words that are making it sound that way?

 

Follow sweet children, I'll show thee the way,

Through all the pain and the sorrows.

Wake not dear children, For dreams lie this way,

Bringing ideas and new passions.

 

Part of me wants to change wake to weep, but I don't know if that would make the section stronger or weaker

Edited January 10, 2016 by Sunset Daisy

[BlueBrony 388]

 

 

Also. Is it the word choice as a whole in the second stanza, or just certain words that are making it sound that way?

 

Through all the pain and the sorrows.

- going through pain and sorrows is hardly pleasant and relaxing, though I can understand what you are trying to say

- possible edits:

---carry you (through/past/from) all your sorrows

---(leading/Guide you) away from your sorrows

 

Bringing ideas and new passions.

-this line invites action and activity- a little active for a lullaby

-possible edits:

---Bringing you visions of splendor

---Giving you hopes oh so tender

 

oh and I like how you use wake on the third line

 

Feel free to use my suggestions or take them with a grain of salt. Also, if you aren't comfortable singing you may be able to find someone who would-If you wanted to  

[Midnight Blossom 58]

Through all the pain and the sorrows.

- going through pain and sorrows is hardly pleasant and relaxing, though I can understand what you are trying to say

- possible edits:

---carry you (through/past/from) all your sorrows

---(leading/Guide you) away from your sorrows

 

Bringing ideas and new passions.

-this line invites action and activity- a little active for a lullaby

-possible edits:

---Bringing you visions of splendor

---Giving you hopes oh so tender

 

oh and I like how you use wake on the third line

 

Feel free to use my suggestions or take them with a grain of salt. Also, if you aren't comfortable singing you may be able to find someone who would-If you wanted to

 

Hmm. The reason I went with

 

Bringing ideas and new passions

 

Was because in dreams is where your mind can roam free. Think of ideas your waking mind wouldn't likely come up with. And since in a dream you can be/do anything you want it's a way to explore your passions and help show you what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it. It was intended to entice them to enter such a world, though I can see how it might be a bit active for its' purpose.

 

As for the second line in the stanza. It and the first line were pulled almost entirely from the original song. Saying that if you followed the voice they would guide you past all the pains and sorrows you might have. (At least that was the meaning I got from it.) But again I can see how for a lullaby be it for all the ponies who are able to hear it, or just children it might be less soothing than its intended. How about:

 

Away from your fears and your sorrows?

 

Again I'd like to thank you for your help, and constructive criticism.

Edited January 11, 2016 by Sunset Daisy

[Starlight189 2]

This is really good! I suggest instead of the night mother I would do the night Star/Sky

Hope this helps!