critique wanted Constructive criticism wanted

[Silver Stream. 708]

So I recently entered the Hearth's Warming Conest 2.0 and was a little motivated to start my own fanfiction, One with a great plot and commendable pace. I honestly NEVER written any fanfics before let alone one revolved around ponies. But after discovering that my first one wasn't a TERRIBLE waste, I decided to start another that could potential grow popular. 

 

 

But I am really doubtful these days, and I wish to receive constructive criticism on what I have so far. I don't want to begin my story with a rocky start. Luckily for you guys, this is only a tiny piece of my first chapter. I decided to ask for a little help now with what I have, instead of waiting until I finished the whole chapter (plus I'm an impatient gal and couldn't wait)

 

 

 

 

https://www.fimfiction.net/chapter/903728

 

 

Does it seem like a story that could go far? Does it capture you? 

Edited January 29, 2016 by Silver Stream.

[Vulcan 3,255]

Erhm....Silver? They're asking for a password o_o

[Silver Stream. 708]

Apologies. It's PinkiepieSenpai2

[Vulcan 3,255]

 

 

Apologies. It's PinkiepieSenpai2

 

 

Password is incorrect o-o

[Silver Stream. 708]

Password is incorrect o-o

 

Ah sorry. PinkiePieSenpai2

Edited January 29, 2016 by Silver Stream.

[Bogrick Grey Mane 2,594]

I'm no author, and thus in no place to provide you with critique, but up to now your Fimfic has caught my attention and I look forward to seeing how the story pans out and what is coming in the future

[Thermonuclear Kitten 70]

Ello! I love it! 

In my eyes, it is very well done.

One thing to mention you could do would be to add some more participles and such.

The plot is interesting, as it takes a turn from other stories and it makes it unique.

Something else though, I was only able to know if the main character was m/f or what it's name was at a few points, so it may help to make that a bit clearer. 

The font itself is a bit boring, so you could try and change it up. I tried Tempus Sans ITC, and that looked pretty nice, while still considering the plot and how it was made.

Overall, it is very well done and I was able to read it very well. I suggest you continue and keep me informed on the progress of the story.

[Silver Stream. 708]

I'm no author, and thus in no place to provide you with critique, but up to now your Fimfic has caught my attention and I look forward to seeing how the story pans out and what is coming in the future

 

 

Regardless, I appreciate you taking the time to read it <3 Thank you so much 

Ello! I love it! 

In my eyes, it is very well done.

One thing to mention you could do would be to add some more participles and such.

The plot is interesting, as it takes a turn from other stories and it makes it unique.

Something else though, I was only able to know if the main character was m/f or what it's name was at a few points, so it may help to make that a bit clearer. 

The font itself is a bit boring, so you could try and change it up. I tried Tempus Sans ITC, and that looked pretty nice, while still considering the plot and how it was made.

Overall, it is very well done and I was able to read it very well. I suggest you continue and keep me informed on the progress of the story.

 

 

I couldn't agree with you more. It's amazing how another's perspective can open your eyes no matter how many times you try to search for something yourself. I'll be sure to modify what I have and proceed with this in mind. 

 

And thanks for the tip! I'll be sure to change it to the suggested font. 

[Silver Stream. 708]

I revised a few things thanks to your wonderful suggestions. I can't guarantee I addressed every minor mistake, but I do believe this version is a little better than the last. There is also more to read if you guys were serious about keeping up with the progression of the story. Thanks in advance!  

[Thermonuclear Kitten 70]

So I read it again and the new part, and I love it!

Everything just read out so well!

I love where this is going, and you are doing a great job.

My favorite thing was when you used Antipathy. I love such unique words!

Lol... I sound like my teacher.

Anyways, I think you are doing a great job and you obviously know your stuff.

Keep working on it!

 

[Silver Stream. 708]

So I read it again and the new part, and I love it!

Everything just read out so well!

I love where this is going, and you are doing a great job.

My favorite thing was when you used Antipathy. I love such unique words!

Lol... I sound like my teacher.

Anyways, I think you are doing a great job and you obviously know your stuff.

Keep working on it!

 

 

Thank you so much! I finally finished the first chapter, but you don't have to read it for the third time xD. I basically expanded it to a rather tragic cliffhanger, but I plan to keep working on it and to keep improving. I appreciate your feedback greatly <3

[Thermonuclear Kitten 70]

It's alright! I got free time to read. I love reading.

 

Anyways,This is an intriguing chapter. 

It really shows the deep dark side of people, which I love.

It was shown in a really good way!

Honestly, I don't really think I can give too much grammatical advice, but I can let you know if the story still follows the traits and such.

Keep going!

You have a knack for writing, I can tell.

Alright, good job!

 

[Silver Stream. 708]

Thank you xD Well it took awhile (due to my busy week), but the second chapter is now up.

[Silver Stream. 708]

Chapter 3 is now published c: