Proofing/opinion assistence

[Cimarronboy 248]

Randomly thought up the premise for a new story and typed up the first chapter/prologue and I'm looking someone to go over it and tell me whether or not it's something I should keep going with, worthwhile wise. It's about a colt who discovers the subject of his fathers research and uses it to follow in his dads' heroic footsteps. It's supposed to be a more toned down (and less male mary sue) character doing somewhat the same feats as my previous character but in a better, more acceptable form (again being less male mary sue). It is in the same headcannon 'verse as my previous story but later in time. Anecdotally it somehow came to me during a sleepless night and managed to bust through my creativity block enough to keep me conscious til it was done being typed. Again though just looking for opinions on the PURSUIT of the story not whether it stinks or not, and I am willing to hear some ideas on some changes or maybe additions to the story. 

 

 

 

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/356178/rock-hero

Edited December 8, 2016 by Cimarronboy

[Valeska 184]

I read your first chapter and I think it has potential but there are a number of things that could be worked on. I understand that you were writing this in the middle of the night so its a given that there will be flaws. I feel like your thoughts are scrambled everywhere, making it hard for me to follow what is currently happening with your characters. You could be more descriptive of the actions, thoughts, sights, and settings involving your main character. I think if more detail was put into the chapter and some editing, it would liven up the chapter a whole lot. Your plot looks stable you just need a little help developing/detailing the plot to make it work together.

 

If I were to tell you what the story was about I would it is about a boy who watched/heard his father fall into the path of darkness. He is desperately trying not to end up like his father.

 

I hoped this helped. Let me know if you want me to elaborate on anything I said above or if you have any questions.

[Hazard Time 1,127]

It's a bit late at night for me, but here's what I got.

 

I thought it was rather nice what you had going!  I really liked the depth of the relationship that the main character had with their dad, however I feel that you put that information in the wrong place.  As I read through the chapter, I found myself asking, "What does this have to do with the scene?"  I would space this information out over the course of the story, inserting it where it's relevant and otherwise using it to develop your character.  Otherwise, you're creating an exposition dump that makes the reader frustrated as they slog through a thick bush of fluff that leads to nowhere.

 

There's also the issue of Gem Hero's father being an alicorn.  This especially needs to be expanded upon as it brings up a lot of questions, such as, "Is Gem Hero an alicorn, too?  Is his mother an alicorn?  Are they royalty?  Do the canon alicorns know of them?"

[Cimarronboy 248]

I read your first chapter and I think it has potential but there are a number of things that could be worked on. I understand that you were writing this in the middle of the night so its a given that there will be flaws. I feel like your thoughts are scrambled everywhere, making it hard for me to follow what is currently happening with your characters. You could be more descriptive of the actions, thoughts, sights, and settings involving your main character. I think if more detail was put into the chapter and some editing, it would liven up the chapter a whole lot. Your plot looks stable you just need a little help developing/detailing the plot to make it work together.

 

If I were to tell you what the story was about I would it is about a boy who watched/heard his father fall into the path of darkness. He is desperately trying not to end up like his father.

 

I hoped this helped. Let me know if you want me to elaborate on anything I said above or if you have any questions.

 

 

It's a bit late at night for me, but here's what I got.

 

I thought it was rather nice what you had going!  I really liked the depth of the relationship that the main character had with their dad, however I feel that you put that information in the wrong place.  As I read through the chapter, I found myself asking, "What does this have to do with the scene?"  I would space this information out over the course of the story, inserting it where it's relevant and otherwise using it to develop your character.  Otherwise, you're creating an exposition dump that makes the reader frustrated as they slog through a thick bush of fluff that leads to nowhere.

 

There's also the issue of Gem Hero's father being an alicorn.  This especially needs to be expanded upon as it brings up a lot of questions, such as, "Is Gem Hero an alicorn, too?  Is his mother an alicorn?  Are they royalty?  Do the canon alicorns know of them?"

 

 

Thank you-you two I really Appreciate this. I think I can answer your confusion; The flashbacks/thoughts about the past are just thoughts that occur as the character is running. Although that does give me an idea for the word count deficit. As for the species I do have to be more specific, especially since the only identifier I'd used was a horn, otherwise relationships and such were going to be revealed in later chapters (possibly the second chapter), if it got that far.

 

 

@Alicorn: Your summary has some truth, he did see his dad fall to darkness, but it's supposed to be more of a next gen/kid led by fate/destiny follows parents heroic hoofsteps story. 

 

@Hazard Time: Gem would be the female protagonists name, Rock is the correct one. Think of it as a double meaning; rock being both music genre and gem/geologically related at the same time. It's cool though, we've all been victim to the effects of being awake when we shouldn't. 

Edited December 29, 2016 by Cimarronboy

[Cimarronboy 248]

Alright I think I made word count, the story page says 800 something words that doesn't change while the chapter has a number over 1000 next to it that does so I'm kinda confused on whether or not I made word count, anywho I've begun chapter 2 and hit a snag. I'm trying to describe a valley surrounded by mountains. By valley I mean a specific HOMELAND for a herd and their leader and his mate. I know the place by heart but it's beauty kinda makes speechless a bit more literal in my case.