writing Sample of my writing. Let me know what you think?

[MachineGunLola 408]

This is a sample of the story I'm attempting to write right now.

Please let me know what you think, give me any tips if you can, and let me know if you like it.

 

 

 

The new house is gigantic.

Victorian style and old, giant like a mansion, with a huge porch that you'd usually only find in the South.

I loved it from the moment I laid eyes on it. Beautiful and unique, it made me smile.

There were six bedrooms, but we'd only be using three. Mom and dad, Katie , and then a room for me.

Katie is my sister- she's thirteen and totally annoying. But I love her.

It took over an hour for us to unload everything into the house, since we didn't have a lot.

Dad told us we couldn't take much, because we'd be buying all new stuff when we moved.

I wasn't sure where though- the house was pretty much in the middle of no where.

The nearest neighbor was at least two miles away, and never mind the nearest shopping center.

But that wasn't really important, the important thing was that the house was amazing!

Sure, I'd had to leave all my friends behind, and everything I'd ever grown up with, but really, it didn't matter much.

I never felt any connection to anyone back home, or anything.

I'd always wanted to move, honestly.

Back home, I'd had one best friend, but she and I had a falling out, and after that, things just didn't work the same. I never really found anyone else to hang out with, and no one invited me over.

I couldn't socialize well, I have social anxiety, and, I was used to hanging out with her, and her only, usually.

So, no, moving wasn't the worst thing in the world.

It was a relief, really.

"Ah, Echo, here, take this." Mom hands me a box with my name on it.

My books, of course. Most of the things I ended up packing were books. Dad had no objection- he loves reading.

"Which room is mine? Can I choose?" I ask, smiling.

"Go on then, go choose."

I smile and put the box down, then run up the stairs. By the time I get to the top, I'm panting and I can feel a small layer of sweat on my back.

No matter, I'll take a shower later.

Going through each room, I carefully examine them.

Room one is big, with white walls and a thick white carpet. It's rather boring, so most likely not this room.

Room two is small, and has no closet to speak of, with a gross, sickly green color to the walls. Definite no.

Room three is same as room one, only smaller.

When I get to room four, I barely walk in and I know it's a no.

Same with five.

So finally, at the back of the house, I find room six, and it's an instant yes.

Big and roomy, with a huge double doored closet, it's walls are painted with a black ornate pattern and the rug is a dark violet color. There's two windows, one of them has a seat built into it, with light pink velvet cushions.

It faces the back yard, which is good because it's beautiful out there. A small pond out back and lots of trees.

I smile and run back downstairs.

"I found my room! It's in the very back, it has purple carpet, and even it's own bathroom!"

Mom smiles, dad laughs, and Katie pouts.

"Why did she get to pick first?"

"Because she asked first, and she's oldest."

"Eighteen isn't so much older."

"It is, darling."

Katie runs off in a huff. I bet I know which room she'll pick.

 

A few hours later, I've gotten my ten boxes to my room, and even have my bed set up.

No internet yet, so the laptop is mostly useless. I sit on the bed and look out my window. It's getting dark and I feel a bit eerie.

Mom pops her head in. "We're going out for some dinner in about an hour."

I nod.

"I'll go take a shower then. Don't leave without me."

Mom nods and walks off.

Picking out a nice-ish outfit, I walk to my bathroom and open the linen closet.

Inside I find a few different things- must be left overs from the previous owners.

One thing that really strikes me as odd is an old looking jewelry box, made of wood, with black silk inside.

On the outside is a very realistic looking eye, carved into it, almost like it's popping out of the box.

Inside, there are even a few pieces of jewelry, upon closer inspection, I notice they're all real gold and silver.

A silver locket with a picture of a young woman is inside, the woman in the picture isn't smiling, and she looks like she's wearing a Victorian style dress.

A few ordinary rings accompany the locket, and there's a small mirror inside, on the top part of the box.

A black swan sits on a spring and spins when the music plays- an eerie sounding tune, sad like Moonlight Sonata, but scary too.

Chills reap through me, leaving goosebumps on my skin, and I quickly put the jewelry box back in the closet and start the shower.

 

~

Dinner is great, it turns out there's a small diner only about a mile or so away from the house.

It's old, but the food is amazing, and I'm beginning to think I'm really going to like this town.

"So, Katie, what room did you pick?" I ask, trying to be nice.

"The one with green walls."

I smile. Of course she picked the ugliest one. She has horrible taste.

"Well, we can always repaint it," mom starts.

"No, I like it, mom.."

Katie interrupts. Mom sighs and nods.

"Alright then. Echo, did you find anything interesting?"

I smile.

"I found a jewelry box, it's pretty creepy really. And inside there is some jewelry, all real."

Mom and dad look at me.

"Well.. I suppose it's yours now, if you want it."

I nod. I'm not sure if I want it, but I don't really want to give it up either.

[NavelColt 22,880]

Used to reading things in story form, but paragraphs are all but non-existent here. Whether that's on purpose or not, the writing itself is pretty good ^^

[MachineGunLola 408]

Used to reading things in story form, but paragraphs are all but non-existent here. Whether that's on purpose or not, the writing itself is pretty good ^^

 

I'm using a weird wordpad type thing and when I type it it comes out oddly...

But thank you~

[Shankveld 4,949]

I've roleplayed you a bunch so I can already tell you from that, that you're a talented writer this only proves my initial statement .

 

Used to reading things in story form, but paragraphs are all but non-existent here. Whether that's on purpose or not, the writing itself is pretty good ^^

 

This is actually in correct written format. She writes with more dialogue and less description so it may appear wrong, but it is correct (think Of Mice And Men).

[MachineGunLola 408]

Wow, thanks Shank.

That means a lot coming from you~

[NavelColt 22,880]

I've roleplayed you a bunch so I can already tell you from that, that you're a talented writer this only proves my initial statement .

 

 

 

This is actually in correct written format. She writes with more dialogue and less description so it may appear wrong, but it is correct (think Of Mice And Men).

 

Haven't read that in a while, but I suppose it makes sense ^^