writing Broken

[Finesthour 7,287]

This was written as a song.

 

(God I'm fucking retarded when I feel sad.)

 

Twisted emotions occurring inside,

getting ready to go on a motherfucking ride.

 

Happiness was a feeling on which I once thrived,

but now a new feeling on the shore once dark has arrived.

 

I thought I was strong and right,

ready to fight these dark things inside the light.

 

My problems so small,

thought I could tear down this wall.

 

Because everyday more and more people die,

the battle for souls and they are on the front lines.

 

Yet I stay behind,

living inside what's left of my mind.

 

You see I write this now in the heat of this fight,

trying to let go with all of my might.

 

I don't think I can,

don't want to be a man.

 

Stay here and cry,

sit here and wonder why...

 

Sadness takes over now,

go ahead and take your bow.

 

Emo songs really do reek,

cleansing words is what I now seek.

 

God I hate myself when I feel like this.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Incognito

[Bowser 50]

ohhh k well looks like when i wake up the next morning i will find a brick right next to me, and I will be left with a confused face.

[Khazmere 5]

...You sure you're alright? o.o"

 

Well anyhow, regarding the poem.... My review will likely sound kinda harsh, but remeber it's not a direct attack against you personally.

 

 

It's rather bland altogether. The syntax format is faulty, and as a result it doesn't convey emotion very effectively. Now unless you were trying to emulate E.E. Cummings' style, it's no good. Quite honestly, it looks as if some 14-y/o rich girl wrote this becos' she doesn't get what she wants.

(And yes, I can & have wrote better poetry than this.)

 

Keep writing tho'! Don't just take my word for it.

 

 

[Finesthour 7,287]

Khamir. This is nowhere near what I've written. This shit is because I've just (had, rather) my life stepped on my someones parents. Call me a selfish 13 year old girl all you please.

[Khazmere 5]

Call me a selfish 13 year old girl all you please.

 

...But--

 

...but remeber it's not a direct attack against you personally.

 

Listen, I don't wanna make another enemy. I already top the blacklists of more than half the people who know me. I apologise for starting more drama. I'll keep my stupid invalid opinions to myself.