talkingmuffin 32 September 15, 2012 Share September 15, 2012 I know there's been alot of talk and threads about MLD ever since it got published, but it always bothered me that the story had huge major plotholes littered in the story along with a vague backstory on the protagonist. Also, I know the author merely just made the story as a request from a friend after seeing a comic involving rainbow dash IRL, but I feel the comic, the inspiration, could have brought a more refined literary form that was much better than this. So what I want to ask to you, the other readers is what other flaws that bugged you alot when you were reading the book or things that could be elaborated more in detail. If you ask why I ask this too, feel free to ask me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity 3,094 September 15, 2012 Share September 15, 2012 A bit to rushed, if you ask me, and it wasn't original; self-insert, relationship with a pony, etc. Plus it was rather overrated so that took the shine off a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
talkingmuffin 32 September 15, 2012 Author Share September 15, 2012 A bit to rushed, if you ask me, and it wasn't original; self-insert, relationship with a pony, etc. Plus it was rather overrated so that took the shine off a bit. If given the chance to rewrite it, what would you add more in detail? There always was a father-daughter undertone to the story though yeah, its just a fan wishing to have a pony. To be honest, it could have been molded a bit more to depict how and when to act like a true father since fathers usually don't get all touchy feely that much with their kids. Or that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flicker 141 September 15, 2012 Share September 15, 2012 Well, the only thing that really bugged me was the multiple spelling errors. And yes, if you can read through your tears (maybe you didn't cry, I won't call you a monster) you can spot multiple plot holes. Solar Flicker, http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/solar-flicker-r1972 Wind Whistle http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/wind-whistle-r2867 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PonyEcho 1,610 September 15, 2012 Share September 15, 2012 i think the best way to improve it would be to redo the beginning up until the he takes RD home and make it less depressing and make the world seem more alive, and the redo everything passed the farther daughter bonding and explain how it was the sonic rainboom that brought RD to our world and when she does her first on earth she starts to remember and the end would be about RD's deciding to go back or to stay on earth removing that f king mane six and Celestia cameo completely this would make it decent rather then the over rated mess that it is but it still wouldn't make me cry. also make the protagonist less of a emotionally unstable mess so that bronie's can actually relate to him. my DA http://heavyecho.deviantart.com/ check my stuff out the Anime Club http://mlpforums.com/topic/48196-the-anime-club/ plz join us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
null123456 759 September 15, 2012 Share September 15, 2012 I've never actually read it. But I know it's not going to be very impressive. I haven't cried with sadness for years. But sometimes I cry of joy. My Little Dashie just never appealed to me. But I still have emotions.. It's not like I'm some demon with no soul.. *Coughs Fire* That was nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkiePie Forever 65 September 15, 2012 Share September 15, 2012 Honestly, I don't like it at all. It was dull for me. I didn't cry, but I'm not a demon or anything. I just thought it was boring and it wasn't any "good" to me. :/ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceresbane 61 September 18, 2012 Share September 18, 2012 (edited) It repeated itself ALOT. Oh no dashie is mad at me *monologue of some action he was doing move the plot. oh no dashie is mad at me.... oh for fk sake man! and the whole "i like walking... life is sad... i like walking... life is sad..." at the start agh! it got published, oh sweet celestia... Edited September 18, 2012 by ceresbane On 9/21/2012 at 3:39 AM, ceresbane said: It's not a saying to go by in the first place. It was a name to a method of flame warring that was used in the early brony 4chan wars.To love and tolerate is to be non-conflicting and act passive-aggressive so that the hater cannot latch on to anything to retaliate with. The love is the sword. you attack with talks of hugs and friendship. As if they were hurtful. The tolerance is the shield. you ignore whatever the hater says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrinceJehal 21 September 18, 2012 Share September 18, 2012 I was mostly enjoying until the ending when they appeared. [spoiler prevention for those who haven't read it yet.] I really don't agree with that part. ANYTHING else would've made a better ending. Cast light upon the darkened earth, save those lost in despair. O Mighty Ocean, guide us as we journey through the darkest pit of night. May time, ever fleeting, forgive us. We who have forsaken our song, and buried our future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
talkingmuffin 32 September 28, 2012 Author Share September 28, 2012 (edited) Update: I've been giving some effort and time, but I just wanted to share this with you all that I've been busy on making some "revisions" on the story to help refine it more and help it grow. Also I need you input to this so here's a simple rundown of my revision ideas: Premise: An emotionally weak and spineless low level office employee discovers the impossible that transforms him to a protector, leader, guardian and father. Possibilities: Growing to fatherhood True masculinity Deep father-daughter relationship Premise Questions: What if have the main character drastically change through the story f from a weak spineless irresponsible young man to a stoic strong willed assertive leader. What if there is a t parallel of fathering between the main character and his father and events during that time. What if you took the basic father-daughter story and create a deep metaphor Problem and challenges: Creating foreshadowing to subtly hint events in the story via dreams. To metaphor dashie as a personification of optimism in the lowest points of a person's life. Emphasize his character transformation as he rises drastically through the company ranks. Designing Principle: Use the impossible situation as a metaphor for teaching the new male generation ways to become and transform to a true man and father. Best Character Idea: A young man working as a low level employee for a bureaucratic office of a company (Box, ha.) and recovering from loss of parents. Conflict: Main character must fight himself and his emotions to be the strong father dashie needs. Cause and Effect: When discovering the impossible, an inexperienced young man and father is forced to adapt to give the fatherly love he never received as a child. Character Change: Weakness: emotionally weak and spineless, impoverish Action: Discovers and adopts dashie as a daughter Change: Assertive, responsible, strong willed and stoic father. Moral Choice: Giving up his “daughter” to live a free life or resist to protect her. (a bit obvious choice there) Audience Appeal: (Up to you now!) Me: enticing yet requires refining. Of course this part is for you to answer, from what you've read, is this something you would love to pick up and read or there are some things that doesn't feel right at all? Edited September 28, 2012 by talkingmuffin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity 3,094 September 28, 2012 Share September 28, 2012 (edited) Also, I think some parts of it, like: Today was the worst day of my life, even worse than when my parents died. Oh yes, having your daughter scream at you is worse than your parents' death? I've screamed at my parents plenty of times and suffered consequences, but they weren't the worst days of my life. I mean, I know it's probably an exaggeration, but it still bothered me. It's almost like he didn't care what happened to his parents. Also, how did the city get decayed in the first place? His dad and mom lived in a happy city, but he lived in a dead city, and it just seemed automatic. Edited September 29, 2012 by Clarity 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
talkingmuffin 32 September 29, 2012 Author Share September 29, 2012 Also, I think some parts of it, like: Today was the worst day of my life, even worse than when my parents died. Oh yes, having your daughter scream at you is worse than your parents' death? I've screamed at my parents plenty of times and suffered consequences, but they weren't the worst days of my life. I mean, I know it's probably an exaggeration, but it still bothered me. It's almost like he didn't care what happened to his parents. Also, how did the city get decayed in the first place? His dad and mom lived in a happy city, but he lived in a dead city, and it just seemed automatic. Thanks for the input, I've forgotten about the sudden drastic change of the city without any explanation, so that's another issue I'll have to tackle. I do plan on elaborating more on the relationship of the protagonist and parents and also a better narration is in order. That phrase would have worked better after dashie left and he broke down to tears. Then stating this was the first time he cried since his parents' death. THAT would've worked better. Though one thing I'll mention: I will be throwing out the ending explanation where celestia and mane six suddenly appear out of the blue. That part and explanation was the story killer and couldn't think up of a more concrete explanation without it sounding placed in. So, I'm going in a different approach with the departure and giving a more metaphorical ending to her leaving rather than having celestia blatantly showing up. Also, for some reason, every time I read the premise, I listen to the godfather theme with it and it sounds even better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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