no critique Havenstaut - My New World

[Kyoshi Frost Wolf 41,467]

Information is currently being updated and altered.

This is a new world idea that I have been working on and off with for the past year or so. Recently I decided to do an overhaul of it and get many more vital details to the world. I would love to actually write a story or stories with this though my actual writing abilities are not too good honestly. Still, I like what I have here so far. Everything here is a work in progress and may change.

The Nations
The nations are referred to as Okluas (Oh-clue-uh), which means 'Offspring'. There are many different nations, each with their own climates and people, as well as societies within them. Many nations contain different sectors or territories within them, such as the Oklua of Deven (Day-ven), which contains 6. Depending on the Oklua, each territory is governed individually. Some, like the Oklua of Eltier (El-tye-air), have the territories governed individually but has a head of government overseeing them all, in Eltier's case, it is a king or the Elteress that is the absolute head of government. In Deven's case, each territory is governed by a single person and it is this council of six individuals that oversee the nation.

Some of the major nations are as follows:
Dektren: Dektren is a warrior society. Following the many traditions of the Old Kingdom, life in Dektren can be especially brutal. Dektrens live by very high standards and are expected to be strong above all else.

Deven: Deven is a very peaceful nation. It is split into 6 different territories that follow the holy text Hanjo (Hon-yo) as their guidelines for life. Deven has two main climate regions, the snowy lands of the east and windy mountains of the west. Both are very cold though the eastern region is much colder. The Deven are very spiritual and practice different arts to express their love for their lifestyle. The winds are their main inspiration, as it is believed that a single gust of wind saved their nation long ago, according to Hanjo. The Deven also have evolved to posses a special ability that is unique to their people. They call it Han and Jo, the same phrases that make up the name of their holy book. Han stands for self-peace while Jo is the exact opposite, self chaos and despair. The special ability is that most Deven can concentrate Polustafk straight into their eyes and concentrate it into an invisible beam, thanks to special receptors. The Deven can control the particles of this Polustafk specifically, even after it has left their body. If they manage to get the Polustafk into the eyes of their target, they can have it enter their brain and with very precise control, the very thoughts and vision of their victim can be altered. This can lead to peaceful visions and hallucinations that soothe the target and bring them peace. Using it this way is Han. It can also cause them to see their worst nightmares and fears and can cause extreme mental damage. This is Jo. These are the two basic forms of the powers and it varies in strength greatly among the Deven. The most powerful users are those in the Deven Hanoo Council. Hanjo requires a massive amount of energy and control and it is these six that have mastered it above all else in Deven. Much like many nations on Okluan, Deven is split into different territories and each one is governed by a single person, with all six overseeing the grand government of Deven. Much like other nations as well, they use a hierarchical system to determine rank. The six in the Hanoo Council are the most powerful Hanjo users in Deven, each possessing their own unique abilities as well and in order, each one is more powerful than the next. In other nations, the most powerful would usually be the grand overseer of the government, but Deven doesn't work like that. Being more powerful gains you more respect but all six work together for the peace of Deven. It is later revealed that Deven is a key component in an underground slave trade regime, of which the Hanoo council hides from the people.

Eltier: Eltier is a powerful kingdom located in the far south.

Dthala: Dthala is a nation under tyrannical rule by the Falsteen family.

 

Hyet: A kingdom in the far north, dominated by water and ice.


Types of Polustafk
There are many different types of Polustafk that Havens posses and it varies among nations and people.

Tryntiine: This Polustafk is able to be manipulated into various physical forms. For example, it can be used to create large arms with hands and these can be used as a method of attack in combat. All of these things are connected to the user directly. This is the most common ability that used among all people, usually as either a weapon or for defense, I.E. creating armor from energy.

Haloustoun: This Polustafk is able to be specifically controlled after it has left the body. It can be used to manipulate the brain and control thought and vision. It can also be used to shut down muscle quickly on contact.

Since Haloustoun is concentrated through the eyes, depending on the type of Haloustoun being used and the skill level of the user, the eye colors of the Deven differ based on these factors. Hue indicates what type of Haloustoun and Saturation of the color indicates the user's ability with it. Higher level Devens usually have two different abilities, one for each eye.

Purple: Marjuna Location hallucination mastery. This type can alter the victims awareness of where they are. An example could be to trick the opponent into believing they are underwater and cannot escape, thus resulting in them simulating drowning. Through this death can occur as the victim thinks they are unable to breath and their body will seize in panic.

Blue: Hynajevo Pain chemical reaction mastery. This type of Haloustoun controls specifically the nerve in the brain that responds to pain. This can be used in two ways: One that activates the receptors but does not release any chemicals to ease pain, thus causing extreme pain to the victim without causing actual damage. The second is to activate the receptors and allow chemicals to be produced. This can potentially cause the victim to gain a high rapidly and for a very short while, crave this chemical further, resulting in self harm. The other extreme is that the high soothes the user to extreme levels. On incredibly rare occasions, death to the victim can occur from this method.

Green: Ashonyeh Muscle puppeteer mastery. This type of Haloustoun targets the muscles of the target. If applied correctly, the muscles that are affected can be manipulated into contracting, seizing the victim's body and restricting movement almost entirely. At high skill levels, the very movement of the target can be controlled.

Red: Hizo Complete paralysis mastery. This, along with Han and Jo, is a more rare form of Haloustoun. It targets the brain specifically and can be used to shut down brain function. Depending on the level, it can be used to paralyze the target momentarily or, at very rare cases, kill them.

White: Han One of the two holy Haloustoun abilities, Han is incredibly powerful. It contains parts of other Haloustoun abilities as well as its own. It can create extremely peaceful imagery and hallucinations to completely soothe the target. The target, when caught into this, can be manipulated completely at will.

Black: Jo One of the two holy Haloustoun abilities, Jo is the opposite of Han and is very powerful and feared throughout Deven and beyond. It contains parts of other Haloustoun abilities but also contains its own horrifying effects. Victims caught into it are shown their worst fears and nightmares and they experience them almost as if they were real. They can also re-experience tragic and mortifying moments of their life. This can cause extreme mental trauma in a short amount of time and can often times result in suicidal thoughts.


Min-goken: This powerful Polustafk can be used to modify the very molecules and cells within the user's body. This can result in 3 different effects usually, but it varies among users. An example is extremely increased speed. The Polustafk can enhance the user's molecules to move at near light speed at full power. This particular use is called Min-goken-Heechi. Another is vastly increased strength, this is Min-goken-Onlee. The last known effect, is Min-goken-Arkla. This effect enhances the user's vision, to such a high level that at full power they can see through solid objects and predict movement.

Trein: This is a powerful form of Polustafk that allows the user to manipulate the Polustafk in the air around them. This grants the user abilities such as Telekenesis on inanimate objects. At high levels, these objects can even be manipulated down to a molecular level.

Zantarna: This Polustafk allows its user to control the very water of the planet. It allows the manipulation of the Polustafk energy that makes up the water of Okluan. At the much higher levels, tsunamis can potentially be created, though this requires immense amounts of energy from the user.

Current Major Characters
Jhun Yhilharus of Deven (M) - Jhun was a quiet boy and the son Jhivin Yhilharus, a former Hanoo Council member and one of the highest ranking. After Jhivin's death at the Incident of Tuheeljem, Jhun fell into a deep depression and almost insanity. Taken in by a friend of Jhivin's, Jhun stayed in privacy and isolation for many years, practicing the art of Han and in secret, the dark art of Jo. Thrusted into a grim vision of reality, he mastered both of these arts in only a few years but his mental state continued to weaken. After what almost seemed like a suicide attempt, Jhun grew a much more calm and peaceful atmosphere, being more social and communicating with his adoptive father. He would later take and surpass his fathers place in the Hanoo Council of Deven, becoming the most powerful in it and one of the only Havens of Deven to master both Han and Jo. His eyes are white and black respectively because of this. He later abandon's both the Hanoo council and the teachings of Hanjo and later creates the Falze Three. After abandoning the Falze Three, Jhun goes into hiding for 3 years and eventually destroys the shadow known as Eiktay that he created as a child. Eventually, he becomes an Overseer and soon, he plans to wage war against his homeland of Deven and destroy the Hanoo council entirely. He is a Child of Ethereal. 

Jyoju Navarnte of Hyet (M) - Ruler of Hyet, former mercenary and eventually considered the strongest being on the planet. Master of water and ice. After being framed for the murder of his parents, he was thrown out of his palace and lived on the streets for a short time. He was stabbed by a gang of anti-government activists but was saved by a family friend. Though his injuries were indeed fatal, he was infused with a mysterious component of extremely cold and rare energy simply known as Kor, sealing over his wound in ice and saving his life. This was originally going to be used for the Hyet army if it was deemed viable and reproducable but no progress had been made on the project and Jyoju is the first and only success of this infusion. Originally he had to wear a special suit and a half face mask with tubing to regular this material and its extremely cold temperature. On its own, Kor regulates every body function, removing any and all normal requirements of sustenance such as food or water, but it originally caused immense weakness and an appearance of malnourshment, requiring extra strength from him for nearly all aspects of life. After taking mercenary work for many years, he become more and more in control of the Kor itself and eventually he siezed the throne of Hyet from his brother, removing the errors of the past, his own self hatred of who he now was and the mechanism that regulated the Kor as he had long become self-sufficient. 

Mauktun Najunka of Dektren (F) - The ruler of the warrior nation Dektren.  Before Mauktun rose to power, she was a simple girl of Dektren, being related to the royal family that ruled the nation. After the incident of Tuheeljem, which took the lives of Mauktun's father and uncle who was one of the current rulers of the nation, her mother fell into a deep state of depression. For two months she trained Mauktun to be a warrior, adapting the ways of the Old Kingdom into her brutal training. The Old Kingdom of Dektren was a harsh and brutal society, dominated by females. Going deeper into insanity, Mauktun's mother was afraid for her only child and wanted her to be strong above all else, like those in the Old Kingdom. As a final test of her training, Mauktun was ordered to kill her mother to test her strength and will. Seeing it as the wish of a dying soul, Mauktun ended her mother's suffering. She would much later seize control of Dektren, becoming its sole ruler. She rules with extreme might, hoping to recreate the Old Kingdom, which she eventually succeeds.

Jeppe Navarnte of Hyet (M) - The young ruler of the ice kingdom of Hyet. A scholar and a brilliant mind, he also suffers from immense anxiety and paranoid thoughts. After murdering his parents at a young age after discovering their possible declaration of war to Dektren, he framed and exiled his older brother Jyoju in order to gain absolute control over his kingdom, fearing that his brother would have simply continued what their parents wanted to start. Unknown to everyone else, these actions actually prevented a war between Hyet and Dektren and later allowed Mauktun to take power. After his brother's return, he was forced to step down from the throne and now serves as a strategist to Jyoju. 

Mija Jovayale of Deven (F) - Eventual friend of Jhun and Aktvin, helping to create the Falze Three. She would later serve Jyoju as a commander. 

Aktvin Nalhul of Eltier (M) - A former Assassin/Royal Guard that worked for the Eltier Royal Family. Aktvin later meets Jhun, becoming his best friend and secret lover. Upon the ignition of their friendship, Aktvin leaves Eltier to travel with Jhun. He later helps found the Falze Three, alongside Jhun and Mija. He is far later killed by Jyoju.

Halix Yhilharus of Deven (M) - Half-brother of Jhun and son of Twektym Hulgar as well as Jhivin Yilharus. Like Jhun, he is a Child of Ethereal.

Jhivin Yilharus  of Deven (M) - Jhivin was originally a Hanoo Council member of Deven and a devoted member of the nation. Jhivin was also an upholder of the Deven slave trade. After meeting Twektym Hulgar, a slave from Zanque, he fell in love with her and eventually lost involvement in the slave trade, allowing her to live in secrecy in Deven, though he left her due to guilt. He was later killed at the Incident of Tuheeljem, which was a terrorist attack forged by the Hanoo Council of Deven, among others. Upon his death, it is far later revealed that he was the mortal incarnate of an Ethereal, specifically one of corruption and used mortal incarnation to create offspring, that being Jhun and Halix.

Haut Holgen of Dthala (M) - Leader of the Southern Dthala Resistence. 

Fol Suut of Hyet (M) - One of Jyoju's commanders. He is often referred to as "The Cold Flame" and "Orbweaver" due to his mastery of a rare ability simply known as Cold Flame. 

The Overseers
The Overseers is an advanced mercenaries group, operating under no government.

[Fubz 300]

Oh man you're like the exact opposite writer of myself. I have like 0 ideas for a universe like the one you've created but I've studied English writing for quite a while and I've got a big bunch of notes of stories I'd like to write - just never had a fantasy universe to write it in.

 

The way I, personally, would create a universe, would be to create a skeleton of my story so that the universe complements the story rather than trying to fit the universe to a story. I just realised all this stuff is off topic > That also works for the story, you need to have a point/theme for the story first so that you have the story fitting around the theme rather than trying to insert a theme into a pre-written story, you can usually feel that once you've finished.

Anyways back to what I was saying, once you have the universe complementing the story you end up having each and every single thing there for a reason and that's some darn good story telling. For example like in my story there's a reason why it's raining and not sunny etc. whatnot. So there'd be a reason for each of those names you've chosen, a reason for each quantity, for each name for each colour for each something something.

 

That's why you can never over analyse classic stories.

 

I do not know if this relates to the OP but I'm typing this anyway so have a fun bump.

[Kyoshi Frost Wolf 41,467]

Apparently the downtime affected posts in a certain way, most of my thread was gone, I have updated it with new info, like some of the major characters which I will be adding more of.

 

I will also clean this post up a bit eventually, making certain text bold for easier indication.

[Kyoshi Frost Wolf 41,467]

I have added a bit of new info, about the Overseers. I still need to clean up the post a bit, with the bolding and whatnot but it isn't terribly important right now.

 

Let me all know what you think. :3

[Boido no dakugeitsu 51]

I've made a universe before as well! Different Magics, and such and well, as the planet is dominated by 4 semi equal races