Experiencing Some Serious Loneliness
Hey guys...as much as I try to maintain a positive attitude when I'm on here or elsewhere, I haven't been doing too well lately As much as I enjoy talking to friends here or on Skype, there's this overwhelming loneliness that takes hold of me alot.
The thing is, while I appreciate and enjoy having people talk to me on Skype so I'll at least have someone to talk to...the physical loneliness that I feel is unbearable. My grandma gets mad that I ignore her and I don't talk to her alot, but how can I talk with my greatest enemy in life? I don't get along with her, most of the time when we do talk we're fighting. I can't live like this I miss the days when I went to school and I had my friends to hang out with and talk to, and then when I got home I could talk to my mom and tell her about my day and spend time with her
When my mom got a job that kept her away from home for most of the day, during summer it was pretty difficult. As much as I enjoyed having freedom in our apartment, and being on my computer longer than usual, playing games and watching movies, I missed having her around. Even when we fought and I couldn't wait for her to leave, eventually I missed having her presence around. The thing is, me and my mom always managed to make up and be happy again no matter how many times we fought. No matter how severe she treated me at times, she still loved me and apologized. We could go back to our normal lives by the time night fell. I have that freedom I wished for alot back then, except now I can't wait for my mom to come home because she never will....
I'm the kind of person who can't hold a grudge. I can be extremely mad at you if you drive me to such a point which is pretty difficult, but then after a few hours or after I've listened to music or watched a video to calm myself down and think, I'm back to my cheerful self. Me and my mom were both like that and that's why we made up so easily. However I do that with my grandma here after we fight and just come up to her and ask what's for dinner, or say something else in a semi cheerful voice, and she just doesn't talk to me. She stays angrier for longer than I do and it's tough to live with that sort of person
Since I can't get along with her and just live in peace, and I also don't get along with my cousins that much since they're always doing their own thing in their rooms, I feel this unbearable loneliness almost daily. Some days it's not too bad, but then there are days when I'm not absorbed in making something on my laptop, when I'm not talking to anyone and just trying to figure out what to do with my life when it gets worse. Heck, sometimes when I'm talking to friends on Skype or when I'm chatting with my boyfriend, I feel this loneliness that I just can't shake off.
As much as I enjoy having friends here in this digital realm, it's not the same as having someone right beside you that you can talk to while you work. Someone to physically give you a hug when you need it. I love virtual hugs, but what I wouldn't give to have one of my mom's warm hugs again...
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and it's gonna be a pretty sad day for me for the most part. She would have been 45....and we would still be enjoying each other's company if her fight with cancer hadn't brought her to the brink :( So thank you to all of my friends who have stood by me and given me support when I need it. But if I'm still feeling sad after we've talked for awhile, please don't feel bad. It's not your fault, it's mine You guys have friends you can hang out with at school or after, I don't. I need physical interaction with people or I'm gonna go insane
*sigh* That's all I have to say. Sorry if this was so long, I had alot to let out Thanks for reading...
- 12
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