Hey.

You know what REALLY grinds my gears? These new digital Coca-Cola machines in restaurants. I'm talking about these f*cking garbage heaps:

These things are sh*t. They are so bad. They suck so bad I don't even know where to begin. The old fashioned, hands-free, regular self-serve drink machines are far superior. One of the biggest problems with these new ones is that everything coming out of one tap causes massive contamination. Your drink will always get mixed with a little splash of whatever was last used, unless you hold the button down and just let it run for a second or two. These machines are disgustingly wasteful. But there's so many problems that I think this would be best done in a pro/con bullet point format.

Old Machines

• Hands-free, more sanitary.
• Can serve 2-3 customers simultaneously, depending on the size.
• Extremely fast and convenient. Just dink the cup against the lever. Done.
• No contamination. Soda is pure.
• Easy to use.
• Separate ice dispenser makes it even faster to use.
• Reliable, simple technology.
• Levers are responsive and stop immediately when released. Easy to get a small amount.

• Not as many combinations and drinks available. Oh, so you can't get Mondo Coolers mixed with Capri Sun and Diet Dr. Berry Sprite Zero? Boo-f*cking-hoo. How many varieties of crappy fruit punch do you need?

New Machines

• Lots of varieties, unlimited combos. Now you can have some piss in your fruit punch.

• Extremely difficult to use. Takes a long time to navigate the touch screen. Who needs this sh*t? I just want some soda. I DON'T WANT TO UPDATE F*CKIN' WINDOWS!!!
• Only one tap means only one customer at a time.
• One tap coupled with the length of time required to use means that lines form. You never had to wait in lines like this for the old machines. Total bulls*t.
• Unsanitary touch screens smeared with grease.
• Soda contamination. Single tap contaminates all drinks with previous selections.
• Ice from the same tap which means even more touch screen navigation.
• Unreliable. Digital interface freezes, becomes unresponsive. Touch buttons are sluggish and unresponsive in general. Digital interface means bugs, more breakdown potential.
• Taps have a tendency to keep running after released, causing spills and messes. Very difficult to get a small amount.
• Wasteful

Is that enough?! Obviously, my review wasn't entirely unbiased, but it's still clear that the digital machines are horrible. These machines are so bad they suck. They're so f*cking suck they f*ck. They're garbage. I hate 'em. Case closed.