*shivers*

 

There's no place like home....there's no place like home.

 

Yes there is, it's called Canterlot High.

 

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

 

 

...

 

 

 

*ahem*

 

Sorry, everyone. I'm a bit......on edge these days. Ever since treading the ground My Little Pony: Equestria Girls, I haven't been quite the same. My blood pressure's spiked and I think I'm growing a vagina on my neck. This would be the third time this has happened, as only two other incidents have caused such a reaction. Watching "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" and the aforementioned Satan-Detroit incident. However, this has only previously lasted one vomiting session and then I could call it quits. I reviewed Equestria Girls last Friday. Not even making my slaves endure the pain of having hot gold poured down their rectums has brightened my mood. I keep feeling like that fucking film is gonna drive me up a wall, or worse, turn me into a likable person. In any case, I do have to get on with my series reviews. You know, of the show, which is actually good.

 

...........except for when it's not.............which happens a lot........................................................I think I'm having a seizure right now.

 

Okay, okay, I need to stop panicking. I'm...I'm a brute, man. I don't finna givashit bout 'nuttin. I can overcome this. I mean, it's not like a season premiere of this show has ever bombed as hard as My Little Pony: Equestria Girls.

 

THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE (PART 2)

 

 

Oh..............................right.................................*gulp*

 

S.......sEaSoN fOuR.....*ahem*......................we'll just see h-how season four stacks up against the p-previous season. W-will it be better? I SURE HOPE IT'S BETTER. ..... .................T-this is "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)". Spoilers a-ahead.

 

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S-So this season opens up the curtains with Rainbow Dash............a....always a grand start..................hey, I think my sarcasm's back. That didn't take long. Thanks, Rainbow Dash, for being such an unlikable bitch cunt! Anyways, it opens up with Rainbow Dash teaching Twilight Sparkle how to fly, or as we'll learn later, to perform some kind of stunt for the Summer Sun Celebration. Because Twilight the bookworm would instantly become a masterful daredevil after receiving wings. And, hey, the Summer Sun Celebration. I guess season four is when it became one year since the start of the series. I....guess that makes a little more sense out of "Apple Family Reunion", but I still stand by the fact that it came too early in season three to qualify for jack shit. Speaking of apples, as Applejack namedrops her as Princess Twilight Sparkle, we learn that she's not even comfortable being called "Princess" by her friends....which I can understand. Hot shit, character depth. This is already an improvement over Equestria Girls! Twilight proceeds to nearly die, as well.

 

Dirt are friends, not food.

 

After the title sequence digests my testicles through my kidneys until my nipples have ears and fingers of their very own (oh hey, new title sequence), we see that Twilight now has a glass mural of herself in the castle. Jesus Christ, how many spare windows do they have for this shit? It's also at this point that I realized how much the animation has improved between the previous three seasons and this one. There's a lot more focus on depth, lighting, focal point, and other shit that was disregarded in previous seasons. GG, animators. They must not be getting paid for overtime....SAUSAGE PARTY. Anyways, as Applejack drones on about how much work the other five have to do back at Ponyville, Twilight now takes into account the fact that her new princess duties will require her to be separated from her friends. This, for once, is an example of the writers taking the show exactly where it needs to go. Twilight is feeling reluctant about moving on to bigger and better things at the risk of losing her friends. If this premiere is going the way I think it is, this might be one of the better premieres just by virtue of character development well-executed alone. But let's not jump the gun just yet. Later, when Princess Celestia shows up, we learn about how the Summer Sun Celebration was a dreadful reminder that she once had to banish her own sister to the moon.

 

 

 

...HOLY FUCK THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS OFF THE CHARTS AND WE'RE ONLY FIVE MINUTES IN.

 

*jizz*

 

So, let me get this straight. Both in five minutes, Equestria Girls managed to fuck up its entire plot, but this premiere is going to incredible lengths to establish two characters deep in development that has been long due for the benefit of the series. I feel like I'm getting my hopes up too much, but seriously, I'm already in love with "Princess Twilight Sparkle". And I DON'T want to see any clopfics made out of that sentence. While Twilight and Spike go over the checklist one more time, Princess Celestia leaves them be only to be seemingly kidnapped by a....vine. Well, damn, Daniel. Fuck me and my culture references. Vine is dead and gay. As a result, the next day, Twilight and the rest of the world notices that both the sun and the moon are in the sky, indicating the disappearances of both Princesses Celestia and Luna from existence. Well, SHIT. The stakes just skyrocketed. When the royal guard inform Twilight of this, they explain that this puts her in charge of both them and the kingdom as far as a search-and-rescue mission is concerned. Well, SHIT. The stakes just skyrocketed.

 

Civil rights for purple ponies sure have come a long way. But who cares who those damn drunken grey ponies worship. With their sun kings and shit.

 

Therefore, Twilight takes the initiative and commands them to look for clues regarding their disappearances, and to not stir up panic among the audience. In this moment, Twilight beautifully takes charge of the situation, proving that she was ready for Princess status after all. The ultimate "suck it" to the fanbase at this period in time. Astonishing. However, almost as immediately as these orders are given, Twilight is informed that the Everfree Forest is "invading" Ponyville. How could an entire forest invade a city, you might ask? Well, you see, the vines they are-a growing...all over the place. In Town Hall, at Sweet Apple Acres, and even Rarity's hooker house, killer vines are coming to ruin comedy once and for all. Therefore, Twilight clumsily flies her ass over to her friends so that they can get together and figure out what in the good flying fuck is going on. After some careful deduction, Twilight and company believe there's only one person of causing all this chaos.

 

King Sombra, of course.

 

So this premiere has set up very interesting character depth in Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, and introduced Discord to the mix all in Part 1? My God, it's like Hell froze over. Although, as we quickly learn, Discord is even unsure of the nature or cause of the vines gone sexual predicament, calling to the forefront his innocence. The others don't buy it, with only Fluttershy coming to his defense, but without evidence, much is hanging in the question. Discord suggests that they ask Zecora, who happens to be trying to survive from her home going apeshit on the world. Even she doesn't know, but tells Twilight that if she drinks some magic potion thing, she might be able to uncover the answer to all of this insanity. This seems a little contrived at first, but if memory serves me right from what happens in Part 2 (and I barely remember any of this shit), then it actually doesn't cause too much of a discrepancy in the overall story considering it doesn't just spoon-feed her the answer. So, I'll let it slide for now. She drinks the potion and goes into the Avatar State or something before popping up in a strange place she's never been before. From behind two thrones emerges Princess Luna, speaking of how there can only be one princess in Equestria, and that it will be her. Enter....

 

NIGHTCARE NOON!

 

What do you mean you smell shit? I didn't shit myself! FUCK YOU!

 

As we continue on with this thrilling sce-

 

...

 

E...err.........it....it says "To Be Continued".

 

.......
S...So concludes "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)"

 

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WELL FUCK YOU TOO, THEN.

 

I was really getting into this premiere. I can't remember a time when I was so pissed at "To Be Continued". I never get pissed at that. This first part was just that good. It set up the depth we're about to explore with both Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle masterfully. With Twilight, we see that this new duty is not only taking a toll on her insecurities in the ability to lead, but also the fact that she'll have this disconnection between her friends, which we see is slowly being rectified as she reunites with them as the Elements of Harmony. With Celestia, we're about to really go into the pain that was banishing her sister to the fucking moon, which was begged of the series since episode one. On top of that, the animation is absolutely BEAUTIFUL here. Like, I don't think its ever been this good, not before 'nor after. The animators really put in time and effort to make this premiere the ultimate eye candy, and it really pays off. Also, no musical numbers. Holy shit, I never thought I'd see the fucking day. To top it all off, Discord shows up towards the end to put a stop to all my Equestria Girls PTSD. This is the ultimate make up for that film so far, and it's only the first part! For these reasons, I must give "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)" a 10/10. It's thoroughly made me excited for Part 2, and I think this is the best possible way season four could've started. This really exceeded my expectations.

 

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But what if this is like "The Crystal Empire" where Part 1 is good and Part 2 is a piece of shit?

 

...

 

Aw, come on, now I'm conflicted again. To make matters worse, I have to wait a whole week to reach satisfaction. This is just like when I have sex. Well...tune in next week I guess when we break apart the second part of the glorious season four premiere of..

 

My Little Pony...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...............................................................*cough*